I'm trying so hard to be positive but that old depression just keeps creeping back

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Aurora60
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Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1249
   Posted 6/8/2008 9:26 AM (GMT -7)   
I have been doing so well lately, having lots of plans and doing my hobbies and my volunteer work.  I work at the Senior Center and it is very rewarding for me.  They appreciate what I do so much and are so nice to talk to.  I recently had a big tiff with a very close friend.  She has a daughter getting married soon, just family so I don't feel bad about that.  But she told me that after the wedding she is going to Virginia.  I said I didn't know that and why was she going.  She said that because it was another of our good friends 60th birthday that there were 3 of them going to visit this other friend who moved to Virignia and they were making a celebration out of it and would be going to Washington DC too to sightsee. I asked why I was not invited as we have all been very, very close friends since our kids were small. This friend said to me that I was not actually part of the group, that the other ones were all so close because they had kids the same age that were in school together.  Well, the birthday girl's son was not in any classes with the other kids.  She and I have sons who were in the same class and I met her when our boys were a year old so I have known her longer than the others.  I told this friend I was very hurt and she said I just don't understand that I am really not a part of the group.  I told her I would not have been able to go but I would have at least liked to have been invited.  There are at least 8 of us who are friends and always get together for each others birthdays.  I know some of the others were not included but I don't think they even know of these plans.  This one friend always blurts out things she shouldn't say and has more than once hurt my feelings terriby.  I told her what I thought, that she was being mean and very insensitive to me and then got off the phone.  I am begininng to think it is not worth it to be friends with her or at least distance myself from her.  The problem is I just feel so bad it has dragged me down now and I'm not sure how to get away from these bad feelings.  I can make plans with others so I have enough to do, but it is hard to have someone react to me in such a bad way because we have been friends for so long.  How can I get over these bad feelings?

getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40593
   Posted 6/8/2008 10:13 AM (GMT -7)   
You need to embrace the way you feel. You were hurt and I can understand why. It actually sounds like your friend is jealous of you. Otherwise she wouldn't even have mentioned the trip. Or she would have invited you in on the plans. I know how you feel. And you deserve to be able to cry or be angry, whatever it takes. Then you will be able to put it behind you. I don't think this person is a true friend and said before I think that she is jealous of you.

Let it out here, vent and talk about it. It will be easier to deal with in time. I am sorry that she was so mean to you. You don't deserve it, but what comes around also goes around. She probably wont even have a very good tiime and in time it will come back on her.

luv and hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


Aurora60
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Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1249
   Posted 6/8/2008 11:20 AM (GMT -7)   
Karen, Thanks so much for your reply.  I do think this friend is jealous of me.  Not for the way I am now but she is very jealous of the way I grew up because I was very lucky to have everything that life can provide.  I'm not saying I was given what ever I wanted but my parents were very educated and we always went on wonderful vacations, went to Broadway shows and plays and all the cultural things that the city had to offer.  I also lived in a very big house on waterfront property and that I know she is extremely jealous of.  It was just the family I was born into and she never had anything and lived in a small town.  Now of course she has a lot and tries to make friends with very rich people.  I am just average now, getting by and trying to stretch a dollar just like everyone else. So I guess in her book I don't measure up.  The girl who is having the 60th birthday is a very heavy drinker - she gets really drunk a lot.  I was not invited to one friends daughter's wedding but the drunk girl was.  She had so much to drink that she passed out and fell into her dinner plate at the reception.  I on the otherhand, have gained some weight over the years and I said to her "the bride's mother would rather invite a drunk to her daughter's wedding than have a guest that is a bit overweight."  The girl who drinks too much married a very much older, very wealthy man who died unexpectedly and she inherited all his money. So she was invited to the wedding - I guess an overweight guest is far more embarrassing than somone who passes out on her plate. I became a part of this group of friends years ago because we all had kids at the same school.  Also, I was married to a successful lawyer so that made me an acceptable person to her.  She is married to a lawyer too.  But now I am divorced so I am lower on the food chain to her. I realize as I ramble on about all these things that this girl is really not my friend.  A true friend sticks by you no matter what.  I have lost 35 lbs but she says she doesn't notice anything.  I guess it is jealousy and I think the best thing I can do is keep her out of my life as much as possible and only see her when the whole group gets together.  Sorry for being so wordy I just needed to get all of this out of my mind.

stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 6/8/2008 11:41 AM (GMT -7)   

Dear Aurora,

I am not near as sweet as Karen, I would just kick this so called friend to the curb and move on.  I belonged to a group of 4 of us and the one who always wanted to be in charge was snide and and down  right nasty sometimes.  I put up with her, because that was just she  was.  I had done everything with and for this woman for 20 years.  The 4 of us went on  trip to Arizona and the whole time we were there she was very controlling..................she decided when we would eat, where we would go and always a tension underthe surface. On the way back to the air port in Phoenix, she made the mistake of taiking a pot shot at my daughter..................Boom, it was all over.  I did not need this toxic person in my life.  If she had probroblems she owned them.

I did not confront her but I just quit talking to her .  We all worked together.  She is obviously very unhappy in her life and by putting others down she felt like a very important person.  You can pick on me, but never on my kids.

I know the pain you feel,  I gave the babyshower for this gal's first child etc, how could she go after the juggular.  Well I did not care anymore,  I was just done with plaing games.

You will have to decided how you want to react but remember you are a good and kind person and your friend has a big, stupid mouth.

Try to keep only positive friends in your life.  Ones you can count on and even just one good friedn is better then 50 lousy friends.

Hugs at you
Kitt


 

Kitt, Moderator: Anxiety, Panic & Depression 
*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
Not a mental health professional of any kind
It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.~Mahatma Gandhi~


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40593
   Posted 6/8/2008 12:47 PM (GMT -7)   
I can understand how both of you feel. It is hard when you are continously hurt by somebody who is jealous of you like she is. But as Kitt says, surround yourself with people that make you feel happy and help you to feel good about yourself. Often I have felt like there is something wrong with me because of the way people have treated me in the past. But eventually I came to realize that was their problem, not mine. And I stopped allowing it to be my problem. They do have to feel miserable to have to try to belittle somebody to make themselves feel better. And money doesn't buy you happiness. I can't stand when people rate you on your financial status. That is just plain crazy.

I hope that you come to understand that you are a wonderful, kind and caring person. Here you are highly valued.

many hugs, Karen...
  Moderator-Depression
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


Aurora60
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1249
   Posted 6/8/2008 3:09 PM (GMT -7)   
Thanks Kitt & Karen for your replies.  You have made me feel better.  I also got out of the house and went grocery shopping just to get away and be among people.  I have decided to stay away from this friend for a while and just see her if there is an event everyone attends.  I have enough friends who care about me that I don't need to take this.  I have to learn to think of myself as a more valueable and worthwhile person.  Anyway, all the seniors I help like me so that is something good to keep remembering.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40593
   Posted 6/8/2008 5:23 PM (GMT -7)   
I think that it does take some time to realize our self worth. But it does happen. We learn to love ourselves for who we are. Then the rest just falls into place.

With depression, I find that one of the hardest things to do is self nurture. And that is one of the things that makes me feel good. So I don't know, it just seems like depression interferes with that.

Keep at it, your life will fall into place here soon. And that other person wont be a part of it. Strive to be happy. You deserve it.

Luv and hugs, Karen...
  Moderator-Depression
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


grammargirl
New Member


Date Joined May 2008
Total Posts : 9
   Posted 6/12/2008 6:14 AM (GMT -7)   
Hello ,
I have not posted a reply on this section before, but as a person who also suffers with depression I felt I had to comment. As an English girl we are all meant to be made of stern stuff and not moan about our problems or air them in public but I have felt better since joining this site and reading about other people in the same position as me, so thank you to everyone.

I am disgusted at how this "so called best friend" of yours has treated you. What a nasty piece of work she sounds. As other people have said she is obviously jealous of you for some reason, so feels the only way to get attention for herself is to put you down constantly and, in this situation, she has made you feel like an outsider from a group that you have been part of for a long time. Why do people do this? They must be so insecure in themselves that they feel they can put others down to the point that it is bullying and harrassment.
I had a boss like this once who was recently promoted. We had previously got on really well and worked together as a team but it was when I wanted to go for promotion myself (and kept getting pushed aside in favour of younger, newer more unsuitable people) that she started picking on me when I began to shout up for myself. She obviously felt immensely threatened by my capability and enthusiasm for some reason. Maybe she was frightened I was after her job (which, incidentally I could easily have done) and she did not like the fact I was sticking up for myself. Anyway, after she made up a whole load of lies about me and bullying accusations (which she was actually doing to me!!) I got the sack but then won unfair dismissal and a large payout. It did not get me my job back and she is still there but it made me feel like I had won a victory.
This is similar to what your friend has done to you. How dare anybody judge you for your weight .It is genetic and cannot be helped-as long as you feel OK in yourself then who needs to be anorexic? I am a larger person myself and get so mad at stick thin people who drink, smoke and party all the time but are acceptable to the world because they are thin. So called "Celebrities" have got this down to a tee. (Need I mention names, Amy Winehouse???? The name sums it all up!). Anybody who would rather have a drunk at a party than a nice, caring, larger person like yourself has got a serious problem. She tries to make you feel like an outsider and then has that evil knack of turning it on you so it seems you are the one in the wrong. She obviously wants this group to herself and has never been a friend to you-looks like she has used you all along as a means to getting what she wanted. My advice is to dump this "friend" completely. Do not take her calls, see her or share any information with her ever again as she is not to be trusted. I would also be very careful of the circle of friends that you were both in as they could also be doing the same thing in a roundabout way. Life is too short to be treated badly by people, especially when every day is a struggle trying to cope with depression. You need to surround yourself with loving, caring people and the elderly folks seem a lovely lot. They do not judge you and can talk to them without fear of them spreading nasty gossip and rumours about you. You are part of their little group and that is a lovely thing to be part of. Good luck to you.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40593
   Posted 6/12/2008 7:17 AM (GMT -7)   
HI Grammargirl,

I just wanted to welcome you to the depression forum. You said it. You summed it all up and can read it for what it is. I agree with you, jealousy. And I know it hurts when others are jealous of you, but I guess it is their problem, like you said. Insecurity.

I think that you will enjoy the forum. As you can see, we all whine about our problems, but we understand eachother. We call that venting. And it is often needed to feel better. So chime in at anytime or start your own thread. We are all happy to have you here. And I liked your comment about miss Amy Winehouse. So true.

have a great day, hugs, Karen...
  Moderator-Depression
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


Aurora60
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1249
   Posted 6/12/2008 3:02 PM (GMT -7)   

Hi Grammargirl, Thanks so much for your post.  You are right in what you have said and I am certainly distancing myself from this "friend."  I understand about the other friends as they are part of the group but I will not mention it to anyone.  Besides 2 of them live out of state so I rarely see them, only the occaisional correspondence.  This friend I am sure will be dying to call me after her daughter gets married next week.  I am not going to answer the calls.  She loves to talk and we have been very, very close in the past.  I know she will want to give me all the details of the wedding and show me pictures.  I am going to ignore her as long as possible.  I think I still need to keep her somewhat as a friend as we are all part of the same group and go out for birthdays, etc. One of the reasons I talk to this friend so much is because she calls and keeps me company so that helps me with my feelings of lonliness. Also, my son is getting married in a little over a year and I am going to have to include her or I could lose the others as friends.  I am sure she will have plenty of criticism of his wedding which is going to be a very simple close family and friends wedding.  Well, I have just rambled on as usual but it does make me feel better when I get all my feelings out.  Take care and I hope we can post each other again.

Aurora


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40593
   Posted 6/12/2008 6:37 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Aurora,

It looks as if you have solved your own problem. Distance yourself but keep just close enough so you aren't being rude. Actually you are the one coming out on top in spite of how she treated you. So she just dug her own hole so to speak. I think that you are doing the right thing.

Plus like you said, she does give you somebody to talk to when you are lonely. Though hopefully you wont need her for that. I think you are a wonderful person who stays really busy and will end up having conversations with lots of other people in the times to come.

I am happy that you feel better after you post, that is what it is all about. It really does help to put things down I think.

hugs, Karen...
  Moderator-Depression
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 6/12/2008 6:50 PM (GMT -7)   

Dear Aurora,

I am so glad that HealingWell meets your needs and helps you get out your frustrations and feelings.

Also I respect your decision to keep this person in your life but remember my  lovely lady, only you can control you feelings, she cannot.  So do not let her comments into your head, let they flit through and right back out again.

The miracle of your existence calls for celebration every day. Eat cake and feel good. I will share a piece of cake with you.

Hugs
Kitt


 

Kitt, Moderator: Anxiety, Panic & Depression 
*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
Not a mental health professional of any kind
It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.~Mahatma Gandhi~


Aurora60
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1249
   Posted 6/12/2008 7:31 PM (GMT -7)   

Kitt, thanks for the piece of cake!  It is the best I have had without putting on a pound. Thanks also for being there for me when I have needed support.

Hugs, Aurora

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