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MrsRed
New Member

Date Joined Jun 2008
Total Posts : 2

Posted 6/8/2008 8:35 PM (GMT -7)

Hi - I am new here - but does anyone have any sage advise on how to deal with a depressed spouse. It is so tiring and sad to be married but living like roomates. I am beginning to question myself and could really use a hug or two (or a thousand). I know it is all beyond him, but I need to stay above water.

lainey8787
New Member

Date Joined Jun 2008
Total Posts : 5

Posted 6/9/2008 1:02 AM (GMT -7)

MrsRed. I am going through the exact same thing. I just posted a topic on the same exact thing. I know its so tiring and I seem like I became depress and thats not me at all. I couldnt have said it better, I feel like roommates. What other symptoms does he have? Does he take medicine for depression and does he take it faithly?

ShynSassy
Veteran Member

Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 3036

Posted 6/9/2008 5:35 AM (GMT -7)

MrsRed

Welcome to the forum,we are very glad that you found us.

Living with a depressed spouse is so hard,you want to help them..but you have to understand that he also needs to reach out and ask for help..

I have found some info for you below...use this board,as you will see there are alot of spouses on here that will understand what you are going through.

www.rd.com/content/how-to-cope-with-a-depressed-spouse/

www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5014_qa.html

www.mental-health-matters.com/articles/article.php?artID=526

Shy

Mod- Depression

Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia

Please remember,I am not a professional..I am just a person who is also fighting depression.

I know I'm in my own little world, but it's ok. They know me here.

MrsRed
New Member

Date Joined Jun 2008
Total Posts : 2

Posted 6/9/2008 7:03 AM (GMT -7)

Thank you for the responses. It is just nice to know that you arent the only person going thru this. And no, he isnt on any medication, he just rides it out. He tried Prozac years ago and he didnt like the way it made him feel.

stkitt
Forum Moderator

Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 18028

Posted 6/9/2008 7:30 AM (GMT -7)

MrsRed

Hello and welcome to HealingWell and the Depression Forum. I have depression and my husband is living with a depressed spouse. I have seen him get weary of it, and even angry as he knows it is a disease but does not understand it well. I have taken him with me to my therapy appointments and that has helped.

My hubby has Crohns so I live with a spouse who has Crohns Disease, I think we break even. We work it out.

I am glad Shy gave you sites to read. I hope this helps you but if you find it does not work out you will make the right decision one way or another and no one should judge you.'

Kitt

Kitt, Moderator: Anxiety, Panic & Depression
*~* http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
Not a mental health professional of any kind
^{It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.~Mahatma Gandhi~}

Red09
Regular Member

Date Joined Dec 2003
Total Posts : 430

Posted 6/9/2008 10:35 AM (GMT -7)

Do you and your husband have children? How long has been depressed?

Try your best to get him into counselling. Be involved and go with him, physically take him to the therapist if need be. As hard as this is on you, right now he needs you to be the "parent" here and because of that it will change your dynamic with him for a while. I know it sucks and it isn't what you bargained for, but sadly these are the cards you've been dealt with.

He needs to be on meds, so hopefully with the help of counselling they can find a drug that works well with him and doesn't have bad side effects.

You also should do counselling as well, it'll help you cope with this and deal with him better.

Hope this helps.

Wifeofdepression
Regular Member

Date Joined Jul 2007
Total Posts : 132

Posted 6/12/2008 4:35 PM (GMT -7)

Mrs. Red,
Also check out depressionfallout.com--I prefer the books, but the website is ok. There are alot of us who have spouses who are depressed. I love the cymbalta commercial. Depression does effect everyone in the house.
There is hope. My husband is getting better, stronger. It is not perfect, but better. The medications brought my husband back.
Lynne

Sheroz
New Member

Date Joined Sep 2008
Total Posts : 2

Posted 9/8/2008 10:30 PM (GMT -7)

Hi I am also a new member. My problem is complicated more than just living with a depressed wife. My wife believes, when she's depressed, that our marriage is the reason for her depression. Because of this, I have very limited ability to comfort her while she's depressed. I have never seen her depression as bad as these days. I just want to feel that I am not alone. I don't know what to do sometimes.

getting by
Forum Moderator

Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 9726

Posted 9/9/2008 8:00 AM (GMT -7)

HI Mrs Red, Lainey and Sheroz,

I would like to welcome you all to the forum. I know these are hard times and I am so happy that you all found eachother so you can work on this. I do recommend counseling for all of you, it makes the situation easier to have an objective person in the midst of things.

I wish you all well, keep posting for this is a good place to get a type of therapy. Just knowing that you aren't alone in this situation helps. I think that you all will find that you have come to a good place. The members here are so very kind and compassionate. Also very understanding.

Here's wishing you all a wonderful day.

Hugs, ...Karen

Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia

fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

stkitt
Forum Moderator

Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 18028

Posted 9/9/2008 8:49 AM (GMT -7)

Good Morning to all,

Welcome to HealingWell and know you have come to a wonderful site. The members know where your coming from and what you are going through.

Shy posted some great links to sites that you may want to look at.

Also we have a thread for new members to post a bit about themselves. We love new members and please feel comfortable to post or support another. We are family here.

Again a warm welcome to all.

Kitt

Kitt, Moderator: Anxiety/Panic & Depression
& GERD Forums
*~* http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
Not a mental health professional of any kind
^{It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.~Mahatma Gandhi~}Clickable Link: Anxiety-Panic Resources

Sheroz
New Member

Date Joined Sep 2008
Total Posts : 2

Posted 9/9/2008 9:58 AM (GMT -7)

Thanks for the nice welcome. Since I am a new member I want to ask if there is some chat rooms that the members can go in and discuss their issues in a direct conversation type. I would like to be able to talk to some of the members that are more experienced in handling these situations and exchange some information. Please let me know. Thanks.

Sheroz

getting by
Forum Moderator

Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 9726

Posted 9/9/2008 12:19 PM (GMT -7)

We are having chat today. At the top of the page it shows chat, just click on that and then you have to give your member name and you will be logged in. Also the disorder, for lack of a better word at this moment, that you want to chat under.

Good luck,

Hugs, Karen...

PS you can chat at any time. Usually if you go into a room, somebody will pop in.

Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia

fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

pharble
New Member

Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 12

Posted 10/20/2008 5:36 PM (GMT -7)

hello,
first timer here.
i agree with the last post. Dealing with a depressed spouse is exhausting. He also has PT SD and it manifests as a form of agoraphobia.
What I am asking for is some kind of montra or sage thought to help me cope with what I fear is growing resentment.
I am the only one bringing in money now. We are still waiting for some kind of gov. aid.
The bills, the medicines and coping with work are a killer.
I spend every minute I can with him trying to be supportive, and give him what he needs which sometimes means an entire night of just holding on to him while he has his spells. I dont want to complain but it makes going to work in the morning less than a joy.
our ten year old is having trouble understanding why daddy gets so 'weird and scary'. he is never violent, he just blows up and roars...stupid sounding when i say it. But he's a pacifist and never does this stuff.
While I know the drugs are helping they don't seem to be doing the job right.
To make things worse his friends come over to 'cheer' him up every single day....this has been going on for months.
I have no privacy and no real time to rest. When I asked him to limit their visits, he accuses me of being jealous ( he may be right they see so much more of him than i do) and unsociable.......I don't know anymore.
If anyone has any suggestions, please I am at the end of my tether.
thanks so much

getting by
Forum Moderator

Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 9726

Posted 10/21/2008 10:50 AM (GMT -7)

HI Pharble,

First of all, welcome to healing well. I know that this is a hard situation for you. Try to relax and take things one day at a time. Depression is so hard, especially for the other person. I guess that maybe you should try to understand when his friends come over to cheer him up. Could you join in on that? I know that you want some time to yourself. Maybe if you ask him to limit his time with his friends that would help. I am not much good this morning, so my advice probably isn't the best. Hopefully somebody will come along with some thing better.

I am glad that you have joined our group. We are like a family here and do try to help eachother. Don't give up hope. Something good will happen.

Hugs, Karen

Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia

fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

thomson2008
New Member

Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 3

Posted 10/22/2008 5:01 AM (GMT -7)

I have been married to my husband for two and a half years, and we've been together for four years. Throughout almost our entire relationship, my husband has been either mildly or severely depressed. His job creates so much stress for him that it affects his entire life, but I fear it's not his job that makes him miserable. He has a lot of emotional baggage from his past that he denies affects him, including his adoption at birth and the murder of his sister ten years ago, neither of which he has dealt with, and to sum it all up, he feels he has no value as a person.
(Please read the Forum Rules on the right. No advertising.)

Post Edited By Moderator (LanieG) : 10/22/2008 9:10:14 AM (GMT-6)

stkitt
Forum Moderator

Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 18028

Posted 10/22/2008 10:22 AM (GMT -7)

Hello pharble

Welcome to HealingWell. I am glad you found our forum.

Please know your not alone in this as we have many other members that are ging through the same thing as you are. Please read through the thread topics and you will find some.

Does your husband go to counseling? What does he do when he is not visiting with his friends.

You might consider seeing a therapist just for you. You are obviously stressing here and it is affecting your child.

I wish you peace so keep on talking to us.

Hugs

Kitt

Kitt, Co-Moderator: Anxiety/Panic & Depression
& GERD Forums
*~* http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
Not a mental health professional of any kind
^{It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.~Mahatma Gandhi~}Clickable Link: Anxiety-Panic Resources

pharble
New Member

Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 12

Posted 10/22/2008 10:56 AM (GMT -7)

Thanks for the welcome.
It's just nice to know that there is someone out there.
Reading other posts have helped me feel as if I'm not a lone in this.
Yes my husband does see a councilor, and he takes a lot of drugs for his problem. At this time counseling is out for me as I am the sole provider for our family and every moment is taken up by either work, his needs or my child's......sometimes I even get to walk the dog.
But enough moping
I just want you to know how important it is that there is someone that knows and people like me can reach out to.
thanks again
elf

deb52
Regular Member

Date Joined Sep 2008
Total Posts : 27

Posted 10/23/2008 7:13 AM (GMT -7)

I so understand your pain. My husband went back to work last week and it is not working out at all. He says he just can't do the assignments given to him. This was never a problem before. I asked him to please try and accept the challenge given to him. He is on medication and does very well in other aspects of focusing and doing things at home. I just don't know if we are dealing with depression or midlife crisis. I just don't know. If he loses his job, my job comes no where near covering the bills. I am so stressed I just don't know what to do. I told him if he wants another job I will do everything to help him find what makes him happy, just lets do it in a way in which we can survive. I have a child in college and this is all so heavy and stressful.

I hope we can help each other through this----I pray everyday but things are still not better.

How do you do it being the only financial source?? I stayed home for years with my child and just don't have the years of experience my husband does to bring home an adequate salary.

Thanks for listening.
Debbie

pharble
New Member

Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 12

Posted 11/7/2008 6:54 AM (GMT -7)

I really hope he can hold on. Be sure to look into any insurance and other resources that you can before he cant continue.
my husbands break down was a total surprise, and I was both unprepared and am unable to keep up with the bills.
I had always believed that if one became disabled the gov. had ways to help. That is why we pay social security, right? Nope.
IT takes a LOT of red tape and at least 6 months to a year to achieve any kind of help.
Good luck

stkitt
Forum Moderator

Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 18028

Posted 11/7/2008 1:07 PM (GMT -7)

pharble

That was good advice. I have hear of people taking up to 2-3 years before their disability has finally been approved.

I am sorry with all the medical concerns and other stress people are going through that the red tape makes it harder on them.

Kitt

pharble
New Member

Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 12

Posted 11/10/2008 12:02 PM (GMT -7)

The medical, and financial concerns are pretty harsh. But you need to really get a support team together.
Some one to just talk to you about stupid stuff that has nothing to do with your life or problems. The ability to feel like a human being for just a few minutes is golden.
When times get tough, it's the care givers fault and everyone will be quick to belabor that point. This gets really hard to bear. It's good to have someone who will remind you that your A; human B; not responsible for this situation and C; there is still something to look forward to in life.
This person is so valuable as to be a life saver.

getting by
Forum Moderator

Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 9726

Posted 11/10/2008 12:27 PM (GMT -7)

Hi Elf,

It is good to see you posting again. You do give out very good advice and information. I agree about the support system. That is so important in a situation like this. I know it is hard when your partner is suffering with depression.

I hope that you are having a good day. It has snowed here, we got about six inches last night. I was hoping to walk my dogs, but I don't know if I will be able to.

I am going to have to start bundling up when I go outside.

Hugs, Karen

Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia

fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

pharble
New Member

Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 12

Posted 11/10/2008 6:55 PM (GMT -7)

no snow yet, here. But enough frost to make the dog threaten to hold it till spring...manly brute my tired feet!
Getting out helps. I have found that sneaking out to the library when my mate is in therapy and the child goes to school helps a lot.
It's kind of like a church but without the guilt. I set and absorb the silence....very nice. Generally there are places in every library that no one ever goes to like the periodicals, or genealogy sections. Those are the best.
Being the only functioning adult in a house hold, and not having the authority to control the one who cannot cope with day to day living is frustrating. some days you just want to run away and hide, but the dishes still need doing and the laundry doesn't do itself , the bills need to be addressed (paying can often be a luxury that is lovelier than ice cream) and I am sure the puppy will explode if there isn't someone to walk him twice a day....not a pleasant picture.
When someone gets cancer or AIDS the world is there to sympathies. And for good or bad there is an end in sight.
When your mate has a breakdown the world in general tells you to make him 'buck up' and if you cant make him behave you deserve what happens.
In truth I have lived with a person dying of cancer (my dad) and its easier than what I deal with now. heart breaking and miserable but lots of institutions and people willing to help out.
Cancer leaves your loved one mostly the person you knew. Depression gives you a whole new person from moment to moment to deal with. Will he be friendly, quietly morose, scary as all get out... There is little or no support system for them or their families. The gov. thinks that their needs are a scam to get out of working. And friends evaporate like morning mist.
All I can say to the others who are holding on to their depressed spouse is 'good job'.

getting by
Forum Moderator

Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 9726

Posted 11/10/2008 8:49 PM (GMT -7)

It truly isn't easy. But you are doing the best that you can and that is what matters. I know that it seems like nobody understands. Sometimes they don't. All we can do is take each day as it comes. Keep trying to learn more about it and go with the flow of things. I know that sounds easier than done, but that is about all we can do.

You are really working hard. You will be blessed for everything that you are doing. And there are going to be hard days. I just hope that we can help you through them.

Best wishes for a wonderful evening.

Hugs, Karen

Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia

fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

deb52
Regular Member

Date Joined Sep 2008
Total Posts : 27

Posted 11/11/2008 9:11 AM (GMT -7)

"and friends evaporate like morning mist" This has been so true for me and my depressed husband. There are times I feel so alone and just don't know what the next step should be. I feel like I should be doing more to help him, but I just don't know what. It has been like I was cut off at the knees when this all of a sudden came on him in May. He is part time at work but I don't know how it is working out. He just won't talk about it. I pray and ask for prayers that he works it out---. He has been talking several medications----lots of issues with them---the most recent seems to have some positive effect but he is not there yet although it has been about 6 weeks on the newest one--some days he just doesn't talk at all--others he will and sometimes even smile, but never about work. I really don't have any support system--family is so far away and they just don't get it. This is really the only place that seems to understand. Any guidance as to how to help will be greatly appreciated. And so will the prayers.

Thanks for listening
Debbie

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