Once more I have no hope no reason I cant explain it. It has always been there sometimes its in my face sometimes silent in the back of my mind but its always there.
I took a walk to the ocean this morning it was crisp the wind sliced trough me at times it was as if it intensified what I felt inside cold, lost, distant I don’t really have the words to express what it felt like or what I feel like now. I just sat there on the rocks watching the waves break row upon row I watched the whales and the birds but there was no connection it felt as if I stood in a bubble isolated from it all it seemed so far so unreal
I thought of how many times I have talked and pleaded with my two friends to not give up how sad it made me, how frustration and fear of losing another left me hopeless with tears, how I knew the feeling I knew that words didn’t mean much how tired they felt how death seemed the only way. How Conni gave up and how Dawn will soon follow if nothing changes.
I thought about who I am what my life is all about it all just seemed a waste of time moments of movement of pretended smiles and actions how I couldn’t find meaning in any of it …how I needed to so desperately ……..
I spoke to God to .. in spite of my doubt I cant dismiss that there has to be a God and if there is a God there has to be a devil and the war for our souls the life death hell eternity story it could be real. They keep saying when you hit rock bottom when you reach the end of your rope God will be there that you need to let go and let God help you that His love and grace is beyond comprehension that meaning and hope lies with Him…..
I am lost empty I haven’t been able to find hope in the world and as much as I want to find hope in Him I cant He knows my heart He knows there is nothing there…..
My Dear dear friend,
I am glad to see you putting your feelings into words and I swear the above members took my thoughts right out of my head. You have an excellent way with words. Have you ever thought of writing a book about your experiences and feelings and perhaps you will be able to make the ending all about how you overcame all these fears and learned the real reason for why you were put here on earth.
I think it is to help others through your own experiences and having the strength to go on and find the answers of being a survivor.
I also thought about you working with a youth group, a mission, with the people in need and yes you will have people that you cannot save but that does not mean God has forsaken you. I lost my son.................I did not feel very loved and cared about. I doubted major how a God would take a 21 year old young and healthy person and leave poor elderly person to lay in nursing homes suffering and praying to be relieved of their pain.
I had to accept that it was not within my control to decide who is to live and who is to go before us. You are one awesome person and as you sit there watching the wave roll in look for the messages in the waves.
Kitt, Moderator: Anxiety, Panic & Depression *~*
Post Edited (stkitt) : 6/10/2008 9:39:31 AM (GMT-6)
Would you like to start a thread of your own? That way we all get a chance to meet you and you will have your own place to share your good and your not so good times with us. Welcome to HW.
Post Edited By Moderator (stkitt) : 6/13/2008 10:41:35 AM (GMT-6)
Just a reminder, Limited religious references are allowed (ie. "my prayers are with you" or a brief quote as part of a larger post) so please be careful when posting again. Thank you for your understanding.
Post Edited By Moderator (stkitt) : 6/13/2008 10:49:47 AM (GMT-6)