loneliness destroyed my life

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Gabby123
Regular Member


Date Joined Jan 2007
Total Posts : 113
   Posted 6/10/2008 11:04 AM (GMT -7)   
I'm so sick of this loneliness I suffer from.  I always get this "alone feeling"  almost everyday.  I'm so worn out from this illness(es) I am dealing with I dont think an ocean could hold my tears.  No one understands what I am going through, not friends, family or doctors.  I am in constant agony everyday and I pray for help but everyday I get worse.  Is there any end to this hell i am in?  I cant take this anymore
 
-Gabbs

Aurora60
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Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1249
   Posted 6/10/2008 11:28 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Gabbs,  I read your post and I know just how you are feeling.  I suffer from terrible lonliness and I often don't have a lot of people around.  I don't have much family - 2 sons, one who still lives with me because he has epilepsy but he goes away a lot during the summer especially weekends so then I am alone at night.  Not only am I lonely I am scared to be in the house alone.  I try really hard to make plans with friends for the weekends my son is gone but that doesn't always work out.  Do you have any hobbies you can work on to occupy your mind for a while? That does help me and I read a lot.  I know it sounds easy for me to say this but it isn't always easy to do. I have trouble keeping my mind occupied when I am so lonely.  The other thing I do is go to a bookstore and just browse thru the books and magazines.  Most bookstores have places to sit and read and also have coffee stands with tables.  At least if I am out and among people it helps curb the lonliness. Is there a support group in your area you can go to?  I have a depression support group and that helps some and I have a therapist I see who is very helpful, only she can't be with me 24/7.  I try very hard to come up with ideas to curb the lonliness but it is still with me just like you.  I don't know if I have been of any help but I do care about what you are going through and will always be willing to answer any of your posts.  The people on this forum are very kind and caring so just keep posting and letting your feelings out. 

Confusedli
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 363
   Posted 6/10/2008 11:33 AM (GMT -7)   
I have incredible loneliness too - i don't always have to be alone to feel it, I also get bored really easily and find it really hard to spend more than a couple of hours on my own without feeling horrible! I find myself making plans, sometimes things I don't even want to do just to avoid being alone! You should definitely try some hobbies, I have tons and tons, I'm studying in the evening for a marketing degree, I do spanish lessons, I go to the gym, I see friends, boyfriend and family, I go climbing and skiing, and I have a full time job which involves a lot of travel, I hate being on my own so much that I totally over extend myself and tire myself out!! Bit stupid really! x
 
 
"The Optomist sees the rose and not its thorns; the pessimist stares at the thorns, oblivious of the rose."


enWayen
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 585
   Posted 6/10/2008 1:15 PM (GMT -7)   
Eej Gabby!

You rightly state that it is hard, or maybe even impossible, for those who never experienced extreme loneliness or depression to know what you are going through. Just try not to blame the unknown for what they don't know. Try to look within yourself, since you are the only real cure, not some external factor. I am not suggesting that you shouldn't feel bad when you are alone though, but from my own experience I found blaming the outside will create hate, pain, and more suffering.

On a more practical level, you might want to try to get things clear. Ask yourself why you are alone, why you feel bad when you are alone, etc. You can't solve a puzzle before you get a clear view on the pieces involved.

Also, if you think it will help, you can always mail me, or add me on some IM, or even call me if that will make you feel better. Also, there are loads of really nice and helpful folks on this forum, as Aurora rightly stated.

Keep posting, and all the very best in the future to come!
Erik
Acceptance is the key

Existential depression and Insecurity

Try to keep smiling! :)


Aurora60
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1249
   Posted 6/10/2008 5:15 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Gabbs and Confused, just wondering how you both were doing with the lonliness.  I was doing OK for a while but those bad feelings just keep creeping back.  I am trying to distract myself with a book I am almost finished with and with TV.  Not doing a very good job, but at least I am trying.  I wasn't feeling well today either - very naseous and sick to my stomach so that hasn't helped.  Let me know how you are doing.  It would be good for me to hear from you and maybe I can help you too.
Aurora

USA1
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 6/10/2008 9:04 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Gabbs,
My wife is in your boat, a sea of pain and misery. She is a RN and its hard to go to work now. She is going to get Shock Treatment this week, it doesn't sound safe but I can't change her mind. No meds have ever worked without bad side affects. I will let you know the out come. It's hard to reason with her at times, like trying to reason with the Taliban, but I'm hanging in there like a hair in a biscuit.

USA1

Pamela Neckpain
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2008
Total Posts : 1821
   Posted 6/11/2008 12:03 AM (GMT -7)   
I know Depression.
I'm too sleepy. My eyes cross.
USA1- Are you a columnist?

Confusedli
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 363
   Posted 6/11/2008 1:12 AM (GMT -7)   
Hey Aurora,
 
Thanks for asking, I am not doing too well at the minute to be honest, I'm at work, but I haven't got loads to do and I am feeling lonely, it's times like these when I start thinking excessively and I've just texted my boyfriend and caused a bit of an arguement over nothing, and now he's not speaking to me and so inevitably I am now going to spend the whole day feeling bad! Thats generally how I react to being lonely, by looking for some attention, even negative attention will do!  Ridiculous really and I know it is, but when I'm on my own I just can't stop myself behaving totally irrationally, I am not sure why I'm like this as when I was a kid I used to love my own company!  Not sure where it changed! x
 
 
"The Optomist sees the rose and not its thorns; the pessimist stares at the thorns, oblivious of the rose."


Aurora60
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1249
   Posted 6/11/2008 8:53 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi confused, I know the feeling - I am not doing too well either today.  I have my volunteer job to go to this afternoon but I have been pretty sick to my stomach the past few days so I don't know if I will be able to get there.  That means being alone all day in the house and that is so hard on me.  I keep wishing the phone would ring just to have someone to talk to.  There isn't anyone I can call cause they are all busy or working.  So while I am trying to look on the bright side it is just very hard for me right now.  And my son who lives with me is going away for 5 days so I will truly be alone and the night time is so bad for me.  I am just so scared.  I think I just need some new friends but that is not always so easy to do.  Thanks for listening.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40588
   Posted 6/11/2008 10:42 AM (GMT -7)   
I am really happy that both of you are coming here to talk about the loneliness. This is one of the best places to come and get some company. I honestly feel this is helping both of you. And you each can relate to how the other one is feeling.

Just had to chime in and say that.

hugs to both of you
Karen...
  Moderator-Depression
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


Aurora60
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1249
   Posted 6/11/2008 11:42 AM (GMT -7)   

Karen, thanks so much for your reply.  I am really in a bad way today.  I know I have put myself in my own living bad show but I honestly don't know how to combat this horrible lonliness.  I see my therapist on Tues. and she is a great help.  I just need to wait out the time to see her. I know the weekend is going to be rough although I do have plans with a friend on Sat.  I will just have to try to find other things to do.  I just feel so down inside and I am having trouble with crying so much.  I know it helps to let it out but it just never stops.  I am seriously considering calling the depression hotline if I don't improve because I can't take these feelings much longer.  Do you know if the hotline is a good source for someone to listen to me?  If so I think I may call.  Thanks for listening and being so supportive.

Aurora


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40588
   Posted 6/11/2008 1:40 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Aurora,

Yes I think that the hotline would help. Do you have a number to call? I can see that you are a people person. You seem to need the stimulation of being around other people. I wish that I was more that way. I am so much to myself. I could go weeks without seeing anybody and I would be fine. But it isn't healthy. It is healthier to interact with people as you do. It seems like we both go to extremes only in an opposite way.

I think you have a good idea about talking to somebody. Let me know how it goes. I am sorry that I was away from the computer so long. I was doing housework. It takes a lot of energy for me to do anything anymore. Dishes are like an all day thing.

Let me know how everything goes,

Luv and hugs, Karen...
  Moderator-Depression
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


Aurora60
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1249
   Posted 6/11/2008 4:11 PM (GMT -7)   

Karen, thank you again so much for your replies.  It really helps to know someone is thinking about me.  I am a people person.  I just really like to be around people even if it is one person just so I have someone to talk to.  That is my biggest problem - needing to be able to talk and feel connected.  I had a strange experience today when I went to volunteer at the Senior Center. A man came up to ask me where a meeting was ( I volunteer at the reception desk).  Anyway, I told him and he went.  He came back a few minutes later and said he thought I was very nice and attractive and would I like to go out to lunch with him.  He told me he was very well meaning and had only good intentions.  Well, he also told me he was 89 yrs. old!  He is old enough to be my father.  He asked if I was married and I told him I was divorced but now I probably should have said I was married.  He left and came back a second time and asked again if I would consider going to lunch.  I told him I would have to think about it.  I think I would be very uncomfortable going out with someone so much older than me.  He said his wife had died and he showed me a picture of his daughter who is obviously older than me and his grandchildren and great grandchildren.  I imagine he is very lonely like me but I don't think I am comfortable with the situation.  I guess I will have to stick to my plan of going to the bookstore this weekend so I can be around people.  It beats sitting home alone and crying.  By the way I do have the number for the depression hotline so if things get too bad for me I will call.  I have never used it before and I don't want them to get the wrong ideal - I would never hurt myself, I just want someone to talk to and give a little advice.

Hugs to you, Aurora


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40588
   Posted 6/11/2008 4:47 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Aurora,

You are very good at occupying your time. You go to the bookstore, you donate time. You seem to keep your life very fullfilled. I am in awe. I wish I had the energy to donate time. I would go to the animal shelter and work with the dogs. I always plan to do that, but I never can get the time. But I admire the ways you occupy your time. And the way that you connect with people. That I think is just something that you need in your life. There is nothing wrong with that. I have to stay busy doing something all of the time, or using my brain. I can't stand to be bored. It drives me nuts. Actually I am very seldom bored, but there has been an ocassion. I guess that it doesn't take much to amuse me.LOL...

You should set it up that you find something to do in the evenings a few nights a week, if that is the hardest time for you. But give yourself just enough time to sleep. Maybe a little unwind time. And use it as so.

I think that You will work things out to keep youself around other people. It looks like you are being very constructive about it all. You are finding helpful and wonderful things to do.

Let me know if you go out to lunch. I hope his intentions are good.

Hugs, Karen...
  Moderator-Depression
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


Gabby123
Regular Member


Date Joined Jan 2007
Total Posts : 113
   Posted 6/12/2008 6:44 AM (GMT -7)   

hi everyone, thanks so much for replying.  Hugs to u confused and Aurora and everyone else here who suffers from loneliness.  This is something I have battled practically since I was a teenager.  But when I graduated college is when it really got bad, and I turned to anorexia and binge eating as a way to try and control my life.  I always feel alone, even when I am around people.  I dont understand why I suffer with this so much, it feels like a knife in my heart most days.  I am 27 years old and i have no social life.   I dont have many friends and i just broke up with my boyfriend....and even when I was with him I still was haunted by loneliness.  Like last night, I sat up in my bed and cried...I just looked around my dark room all by myself and thought about how many nights Ive slept here alone....no one there but me and the darkness.  And then I think about the past 5 years of my life and how much i hate it all....the choices ive made, the career I lost, the extreme loneliness, the many illness I have, the chronic pain i suffer with everyday.  All of it is too much for me.  All Ive ever wanted was a family and to be happy and well.  Ive prayed for years and still  am here hurting and alone and fighting this awful depression, loneliness, and pain everyday.  I am seeing a therapist and it helps some but still doesnt take away all the longings in my heart that never go away, and the constant pain and heartache I feel everyday of my life.  People tell me this too shall pass, and there is a light at the end of the tunnel but I havent seen that light for years and it seems like it will never get here.  Sorry for being so down I just cant take this anymore....I thought your 20s were supposed to be the best time of your life but to me they are the worst

-Gabbs


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40588
   Posted 6/12/2008 7:24 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Gabby,

Actually the thrities were good years for me. And now I am at the end of my fourties, so do not dispair.

I am so sorry for you feeling so alone. Just remember you are always with a wonderful person and that is YOU. I know how hard it is when you are in bed alone. I lost my first husband to lung cancer and I could hardly take the lonely nights. I was so use to haveing somebody there with me. Luckily I had my dogs, they helped me, plus one good friend. But that doesn't always make up for being alone. You are like Aroura. You are a people person. You need to find ways to occupy your time with social experiences. Donate time if you have to so that the only alone time that you have is when you have to sleep.

I can be lonely in a crowd of people so it doesn't matter to me. I spend a lot of time by myself, I know that isn't really healthy, but that is who I am. You are you, and that is a wonderful person.

Don't give up, we are here for you.
Luv and hugs, Karen...
  Moderator-Depression
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 6/12/2008 8:46 AM (GMT -7)   

Hey Gabby,

Hi this is Kitt and the 50's were good for me.  I have times when I am desperately lonely and I do know how it feels so know you are in a good place here with us.

Loneliness can be overcome. But it depends on you. It is important to know that loneliness is a common experience. Loneliness does not have to be a permanent state of affairs. Instead it can best be viewed as a signal that important needs are not currently being met.

Begin by identifying which needs are not being met in your specific situation. You may need to learn to do things for yourself, without friends and/or learn to feel better or more content about yourself in general. If you are lonely, do something about it:

  • Put yourself in new situations where you will meet people, a church, a health club, something your interested in.  A craft class.
  • Learn to be assertive. If you are shy, learn to say hello or start a short conversation with someone you see daily,  the check out clerk in the grocery store, someone that you sense is a safe person.
  • Learn to enjoy life by developing your social skills. If you see someone that you like, don't just sit there and hope that the person will come to you. Make the first move. Use verbal or nonverbal cues to let the person know that you are interested in getting to know him/her. For example, make eye contact and smile. You can also go over, say "Hi" and introduce yourself.
  • Do some volunteer work. Helping others will boost your self-esteem and make you feel good about yourself.

Gabby, avoid merely vegetating (sitting around doing nothing) - deal with your situation actively. Recognize that there are many creative and enjoyable ways to use your alone time.

I have great faith in you and remember just start with babysteps

Hugs
Kitt


 

Kitt, Moderator: Anxiety, Panic & Depression 
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Confusedli
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 363
   Posted 6/12/2008 10:51 AM (GMT -7)   

Hi Gabby/Aurora,

I'm 25 and plagued by loneliness, I am really lucky as I have tons of friends, family & a fab bf, but it still isn't enough!!!!!!!!  ridiculous I know, I am only on my own maybe 1 or 2 nights a week and I go nuts, nervous wreck, I then end up taking it out on someone close to me and generally upsetting other people and myself and if I have to spend a whole weekend day on my own I end up going out shopping or doing something totally random, just to stop it hurting!! Wish I could be happy in my own company, but I just can't, not sure why!!!!  drives me insane!!  I enjoy reading, writing, cooking, all sorts of things I can do on my own, but when I'm on my own I just can't motivate to do them!!!  also I am the same as you Gabby in that I can be with other people and still feel lonely and detached from the situation!!  I really do end up exhausting myself just to aviod being on my own!


 
 
"The Optimist sees the rose and not its thorns; the pessimist stares at the thorns, oblivious of the rose."


Aurora60
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1249
   Posted 6/12/2008 4:16 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Gabby,  You mentioned that you like to read.  If you are alone on a weekend why not do what I do and go to a bookstore and just browse among the books and magazines.  If you have a big bookstore like one of the chains they always have comfortable chairs to sit and you can read and decide if you want to buy anything.  A lot of stores also have coffee shops where you can get all kinds of coffee drinks or tea and sandwiches, etc,  I find this a very helpful activity for me when I am lonely because I am among people and then I don't feel so alone or lonely.  Other places I go to are garden stores - can be a disaster for me as I love plants so much - they are fun to look around at.  Also, if there are linen and bath shops.  They always have so much to look at and you might find something you need, maybe a can opener or pillow cases or dish towels. These are just a few suggestions that may keep you occupied.  I know if I can't make plans with a friend I always do some of these things and then it is not so bad to come home. 
I might not do so well at night as I hate being alone in the house - I get scared but I try my best to get by and tell myself it will only be a few more days before my son gets home or I can see a friend.  I hope you find this of some help.
Aurora

davidt
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2008
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 6/16/2008 12:22 AM (GMT -7)   

I have a different problem than most people. Ever since when I was a child (5yr old), I’ve never had anyone to play with. I have older siblings but most of the time I was left alone to play by myself. After my high school year, I find myself again without any friend. The old loneliness feeling would creeps right back again. I knew then that I would have to prepare for a lonely life ahead so I’ve trained my self not to depend on anyone for my emotional needs.

 

  I have worked for the same company for 25 years and the last 10 years was like in hell.  No one at work would have a social contact with me. They will talk to me only if they need to or want something.  Everyday for over 10 years, I would eat alone in my office since no one would invite me to sit with them. If I invite myself over, they would make excuses and leave the table immediately. Since the company was downsizing anyway, I’ve decided to volunteer and take their severance package, because I wasn’t really happy and I was fortunate enough to be financially secure for early retirement in my late 40’s.  That was over 3 years ago.

 

 Sometimes I feel that because I am from an Asian decent, people are not comfortable to socialize with me. Both of my parents are gone now for over 30 years. My siblings have not spoken to me or corresponded with me for over 5 years. We have never been a close- knit family. The only reason I have not broken down emotionally is because I’ve been preparing for this lonely life of mine, my entire life.

 

 Today, I am sitting alone at home with no one to talk to for at least the last 3 years. I have no friends, no family, no love, no social life, and no one cares. My only fear today is, dying alone in my house and never gets discovered for years. No one really knows or care that I exist.


Confusedli
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 363
   Posted 6/16/2008 1:21 AM (GMT -7)   
Davidt,
 
That must be really hard, Don't you have any hobbies that you could do to help you meet new people?? 
 
 
 
 
"The Optimist sees the rose and not its thorns; the pessimist stares at the thorns, oblivious of the rose."


djdaz_1985
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2006
Total Posts : 2408
   Posted 6/16/2008 1:25 AM (GMT -7)   

Hi David and Welcome to HealingWell!

I know its not the same as having tangible friends but you can be assured that you will come to have many friends here on HealingWell and I am proud to be the first!

I am assuming you are from the US so please correct me if I am wrong. Do you live in an area where there are very few asian people? Perhaps, if you are financially secure then you might consider moving to an area with a higher proportion of asians as this may help because there are probably loads of asian people just like you. Also, have you considered joining hobby groups? Maybe a sport or a collectors club etc? You can often make friends there.

Please remeber we are always here

Darren


Everyone has a guardian angel. They help pick you up when you fall, comfort you through your times of need and help you appreciate the times when things are going well.
 
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getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40588
   Posted 6/16/2008 8:31 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi David,

I would also like to welcome you to healing well. There are so many wonderful people here. I think that you will find that you are happy to join.

I too seperate myself from a lot of people and don't always ger asked to join in on things, but gradually I have come around to do things with others.

Here it is easy, you can say anything and talk to whoever you wish. Just chiime in whenever you wish, there is no pressure and that makes it easy.

Hugs to you
Karen...
  Moderator-Depression
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


davidt
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2008
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 6/16/2008 10:14 AM (GMT -7)   

Hi Everyone,

 

Thanks for your welcoming support. The last time I had a girlfriend was 7 years ago. I have been living in a life of total seclusion and social isolation. Even when I do make an effort and trying to initiate a friendly conversation with someone, they would reject me because they think I am a weird person who is always alone and doesn’t associate with anyone, although it is not my choosing.  It is so ironic that people wouldn’t associate with me because I am a loner and that is just too weird for them, yet at the same time I am a loner because no one wants to associate with me. At this stage in my life, moving to a new location would not be an option.

 

 I know this prolong total lack of human contact is affecting my psyche. I am beginning to develop problems in communication with day-to-day activities. I am also becoming very forgetful and sometimes unable to do a simple task. I do go to the gym regularly for the past 10 years but I have never spoken with anyone at the gym, although I have tried. Perhaps, I give off a bad vibes. I do have many hobbies like oil painting, biking, etc., but still longing for a conversation with someone, anyone. I think I have gone beyond being lonely. It is like being in a perpetual solitary confinement with no end in sight. I desperately need human contact.


Aurora60
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1249
   Posted 6/16/2008 10:56 AM (GMT -7)   

Hi David, I truly sympathize with your lonliness as I suffer too.  You sound like a very inteligent person. We are all here to help you and available to post anytime.  Also, you might want to join in the depression chat on Tues. See the post or look at the calendar to find out when we are chatting in your time zone.  I don't know if you have any religious affiliation but maybe going to church or wherever you worship would be a good place to meet people. I think most church groups have activities and would welcome you.  The other thing I do is volunteer at my local Senior center.  They are wonderful people and so appreciative of what I do for them.  It is really rewarding.  And even though you are younger than the seniors you would ge surprised at the friends you can make.  If you are in a big city there could be many possibilities for you to find activities.  You say you bike - is there a biking group you can join and ride with?  I am just trying to offer some suggestions.  I don't think it is good for you to isolate yourself so much.  Please try to see if you can find an activity with people and let us know how you are doing.  You can post anytime and I will be glad to answer you. Take care.

Aurora

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