Help for depressed? husband

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New Member

Date Joined Jun 2008
Total Posts : 1
   Posted 6/12/2008 12:11 PM (GMT -6)   

My husband of 4 years (we've been together a total of 12) has started to fall apart.  He works with his family and HATES his job but feels like he is trapped.  It would be difficult for all if he left the business, and he is making good money so is afraid of change.  But he is miserable.  He has talked to his family before with no success.  The business is not doing well and would fall apart if he were to leave.  I try to tell him this is not his fault, and support him leaving, but this is an impass.

A year or so his personality started changing.  Once quiet and thoughtful, he became obnoxious and sometimes outright rude.  Once a silent observer at social gatherings, he started being the life of the party.  He drinks a lot and sometimes does drugs, mostly prescriptions he gets from "friends." 

He quit drinking cold turkey a few months ago.  He got the shakes, DTs, but wouldn't go to a doctor.  After about a week of hell he seemed better.  More stable.  We took a long vacation, and he started drinking again.  His behaviour started to worsen rapidly, to the point where i was embarrassed by him.  It seems he just stopped caring.

His return to work was difficult.  He's still drinking, and miserable, but starting to really disconnect from me.  For the longest time we still felt close, even though he was acting so strange.  Now he is pulling away from me too.  He is not suicidal i don't think but says he wishes he could implode.   He wakes up crying some mornings.  He jokes about divorce.  He says he doesn't care about the world anymore.  He says he doesn't want me to suffer (!) and to "do what i gotta do." 

I have mentioned therapy and he scoffs at the thought.  I'm afraid most psychiatrists wouldn't be able to reach him, he needs someone he trusts I think, and it is so hard to tell by ads in the yellowpages or the internet who would be a good choice anyway. 

I have always stood by him.  Always the voice of reason, supporting him.  I'm afraid I'm enabling him.  I'm starting to break.  He really is getting to me, and now I fear he is trying to push me away to protect me.  I don't really have anyone to talk to... have thought about talking to his family (we are close) but the thought makes me shudder.   I don't think he is really bipolar, but definately depressed. 

Just writing this makes me feel better though, does anyone have any advice?  Where should I start?  Is there a good way to find a psychiatrist or therapist?  I think if I found someone good he might be convinced to go.

Thanks for reading this... and for any help you can offer.

getting by
Forum Moderator

Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40393
   Posted 6/12/2008 12:57 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi Esmee,

First of all, welcome to healing well. You have found a good place for you to come. Everybody here is so helpful and I am sure that you are going to get some good advice here.

Are you going to any type of counseling? I would think in your situation that you would need some support. You are going through a lot right now.

Finding therapists has to be something that he is going to want to do. And finding a good one is like a grab in a hat. You never know for sure until you start talking to them. But the key word here is to start. You have already yourself taken the first step for yourself by coming here. Just being able to get things off of your chest is a good place to start. I am so happy that you have found us.

If he is willing, just start looking in the phone book or on the internet and pick and choose. Do you have insurance? That is always a plus. You may have to call your insurance company to find out who they will cover in your area. That is how I found my psychiatrist. And I feel I got one of the best. Not like Mr. Freud type. Very open minded and got me on the right prescriptions. I am just Joking about Sigmund. I understand he was the best in his field. But you know the stereotype of psychiatrists.LOL...

Hopefully there will be more suggestions. All I can say is always start at the beginning and take baby steps. Your husband sounds a little manic if his personality has changed that much, but I am not a professional. So I cannot say. I would start making some calls and find out the options that you have. And just go from there.

I hope that this is some help.
Hugs, Karen...
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

Regular Member

Date Joined Jul 2007
Total Posts : 144
   Posted 6/12/2008 5:30 PM (GMT -6)   
Welcome to the board. This is a really tough time for you and your husband. Karen's advice is good. Go to therapy yourself. You need to be strong while you are going through this process.
There are several good books about male depression and supporting loved ones through depression. Do searches on depression fallout and male depression.
Remember to seperate the depression from the man you love.
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