I have been on the anxiety page but I am also dealing with depression. It seems like if I'm not haveing anxiety I am depressed. It's like nothing can ever just be okay. And I don't do that on purpose. My husband and the rest of my family think I can't live without conflict, so I create it. I don't. Honestly. I think conflict stalks me. Anyway, my son has a viral infection in his mouth and has been fussy and sick. He's 2. And my husband works at a factory. He's been workin alot of overtime to make up for our vacation. He hasn't had a day off in almost two weeks now. Not even weekends. So I know that he is very tired and stressed but I feel like he's shying away from me. I feel like he doesn't care about me. When I have a panick attack he treats me like a little kid. He gets mad and yells at me to just stop it. I can't! And when I'm depressed he says "Whats wrong with you?" in a really mean and nonsympathetic way. I understand he's stressed and tired, but so am I. I love him so much, and he used to love me the same. But his neglect only makes my anxiety and depression worse. I feel like he hates being with me. But then again, I am very hard to deal with. I even drive my own self crazy. I feel like I can never do enough, or never do anything right. Any good I try to do always backfires on me. I feel like I'm under attack. I feel all locked up in this house, but I'm terrified to leave it. I can't live if I stay and I can;t live if I go. I really need to see a therapist but we have a $25 copay for every visit and we cant afford that now. My husband would never go for spending money on something he thinks I made up. I wish I made it up, that way I could just stop. I am so down right now. I could stay in bed all day just reading, smkin, and drinkin coffee. If I didn';t have my son I know that's where I'd be.
This also scares me. What if my husband and I never fix our relationship and when our son leaves home, we will have nothing. Nothing but memories. That's why I've recently been reading alot of books to try and make our marriage better. THe harder I try to do things right and change myself, the worse things are getting. He won't take the time to talk about it because he says everything I ever talk about is me. That's not true at all. But anyway, I just needed to vent I guess. Thanks for listening. Any advice would be appriciated.
"There is hope for every man, a solid place where we can stand, in this dry in weary land, there is hope for every man... Jesus is hope for every man" -Casting Crowns