When is enough enough?

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thatgrrI3
New Member


Date Joined Nov 2007
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 6/17/2008 5:03 AM (GMT -7)   
It's been awhile since I've posted on here, but I could sure use some advice and perspective.  I am currently in the military and overseas in Kuwait.  I am married with three children. two under the age of 5.  My spouse was diagnosed with depression a long time ago and exhibits symptoms of adhd and other possible issues.  He has been seeing a pyschiatrist who has been prescribing him medication for roughly about 4 months now.  He was also on medication when we first met. 
 
My husband's depression and anxiety has gotten so bad that it has literally ripped our marriage to shreds and I stand here wondering whether I should even attempt to collect the pieces and attempt to put it back together.  We have fought constantly about everything from finances to the kids and his lack of employment/direction.  Due to his depression, he has been unable to hold down a job for any length of time and I am forced to provide financially for our family.  What is worse is that he is not supportive of me making any sort of career in anything because seeing me succeed makes him feel bad about himself. 
 
I have tried to be supportive of him, though I admit that I definately was not in the beginning and I have failed to be a soft place to land on my fair share of occasions.  I have been frustrated to no end because he has severely financially handicapped me and our family on numerous occasions due to his impulse buying (read thousands of dollars down the drain.)  To add insult to injury, I found out right before I deployed that he had created a fake persona online and presented himself as a single, separated individual looking for someone to date.  He met two different girls and kissed one of them.  It's been a torture just dealing with all of this while being over here away from my family and I feel trapped and don't know what to do.  I really do want my marriage to work but I can't help but think that I'm just being taken for a ride and he's just going to take everything away from me and I will come back, penniless and with no family. 
 
He has said time and time again that he wants to work it out and that he is sorry.  He says sorry everytime he messes up and I just want all of the lying, deception and fighting to stop.  He goes through cycles that drive me crazy, meaning that he seems to be ok and tells me he loves me and supports me one minute but then later tells me how much I piss him off and how he thinks I've abandoned my children (since I'm deployed for 9 months).  What is a person to do?  Is it possible to fix something like this from this far away?  My husband does have a support network in my family and friends while I am away, but he doesn't care.  All he tells me is that his life is hell (taking care of the kids) and that I am on a vacation.
 
Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

ShynSassy
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 3036
   Posted 6/17/2008 5:15 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi there

I am so sorry that you have had to go through this,dealing with someone that has depression is so hard.
He needs help,and needs it now,and quite frankly it seems that men are more stubborn about asking for help.

If he refuses to get help,then I suggest that you try to get yourself into some type of counseling..we have to watch out for ourselves at some point. Then maybe he will get it.

Thank you for your service also!
Shy


Mod- Depression

Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia

Please remember,I am not a professional..I am just a person who is also fighting depression.


I know I'm in my own little world, but it's ok. They know me here.


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 6/17/2008 6:09 AM (GMT -7)   

Great reply by Shy. I agree 100% with her.  Everyone has a breaking point when you have to say enough and take care of you.  Do try therapy and then make you decisions based on what is going to be best for you and the children.

You deserve happiness and right now you are miserable.  Remember you cannot change your husband, he must get help for himself or risk losing life as he knows it now.

Respectfully
Kitt


willow57
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2008
Total Posts : 12
   Posted 6/17/2008 6:20 AM (GMT -7)   
First of all, thank you and all our troop for doing what you do.
I can only imagine what kind of spot you have been placed in. You are where you are already fighting a battle and it sound like your biggest battle is your unhappiness because your trying so hard to turn a bad situation into more then maybe what it can be.
I am just learning myself, you can not take the resposibility of someone elses happiness, that comes from with in. What you can do is stop putting so much of your energy into him and start healing yourself.
If you build a home on a sandy beach, eventually the home is going to sink. Sometimes people search the world to find someone that is kind hearted like you to carry them through the hard times and when we continue to put ourselves out there to fill those huge shoes they learn how to take total advantage of that. In your case, maybe that's necessarily what he intended on doing, but if you are always the one that is expected to pick up the pieces, eventually he will find it easier for others to carry the burden instead of facing his own demans.
My suggestion to your doubt, is learn to take care of you, again only you are responible for your happiness and well..being. He has to learn, 'If he thinks the grass is greener on the otherside, he might want to try watering his lawn'....
You take care of you, your children will be needed when your job is done.
Please be safe...
Bonnie
Always look to your past to better your future


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40574
   Posted 6/17/2008 7:15 AM (GMT -7)   
I am so proud of what you are doing, though I agree with the others. You need to take care of you right now. You don't need this additional burden where you are. You need to be alert and in the now. You never know what is around the next corner. I think that you are an awesome person and deserve the best.

Your husbands thinking is way off course. If he only knew the sacrifices that you are making for your family right now. I hope that he gets help for himself. What he is doing is not right.

You hang in there and be safe. You are a great asset to this country and to your family. You are one fine person and never forget that.

Luv and hugs, Karen...
  Moderator-Depression
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


thatgrrI3
New Member


Date Joined Nov 2007
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 6/17/2008 9:00 AM (GMT -7)   
Thank you so much for the kind replies and the words of encouragement.  It's definately hard being away from my boys.  I miss them all (even my husband.)  I know me being away stresses him out, but I wish, at least, he wouldn't always tell me that he thinks what I'm doing is worthless.  He says that it really annoys him that he doesn't get attention for what he's doing, taking care of the kids while I'm gone.  I really do appreciate him being there for them when I cannot be.  I second guess myself and what I do all the time.  Sometimes it would be nice to have someone to lean on who supports me.  I wish I had that.  I'm not the greatest person to help him with his depression.  He says that I don't do a good job of making him feel good.  I guess I'm just tired because it seems like nothing helps.  I would really like for him to get into some counseling, but his psychiatrist is refusing to refer him right now because he said they need to get his medication figured out first.  I don't understand that because I really think he probably needs the counseling more than the medication at this point because he needs someone to talk to.  Our insurance won't pay for it though unless the psychiatrist refers him first.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40574
   Posted 6/17/2008 9:31 AM (GMT -7)   
I think that you are right about the counseling, so hopefully the psychiatrist will refer him soon.

You are not to blame for his depression and you are not responsible for making him feel better, he has to do that himself. He has no right to blame you for him not feeling well. That is all up to him. I don't think that he realizes the extent of what you are doing. You are supporting the family and helping America. YOu are doing a good thing. I think that he is taking that for granted, not intentionally, but still. I hope that he sees the sacrifices that you are making for the family and the country. You are a wonderful person. I hope that you realize that.

Have a wonderful day
hugs, Karen...
  Moderator-Depression
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


ShynSassy
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 3036
   Posted 6/18/2008 4:17 AM (GMT -7)   
My b/f's brother in law has to take care of the kids most of the time because his wife is a pharmacist and works crazy hours.
He is very angry all of the time,and always complains. He simply does not like being the "housewife".
I think it is hard on his ego,even though he lives in a huge expensive house,gets whatever he wants and drives a brand new car because of her job.

Men and their ego's... I really think this is what it is coming down to.
I am not sure how to fix that.. maybe he needs to get a sitter one day a week when you are gone,and have some time with the guys.

Will he go to family counseling with you?
Shy


Mod- Depression

Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia

Please remember,I am not a professional..I am just a person who is also fighting depression.


I know I'm in my own little world, but it's ok. They know me here.


thatgrrI3
New Member


Date Joined Nov 2007
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 6/19/2008 2:50 AM (GMT -7)   
Yes, he is willing to attend counseling with me upon my return.  The problem has really never been his ability to admit that there are problems or mistakes being made.  It's just that the mistakes being made are devastating (financial and infidelity) and are happening repeatedly.  In other words, there is little to no action following the promises to change.  I try to remind myself this is because of the depression.  He tells me that his depression makes it so that he can't control his feelings and how he reacts to things.  It's almost as if he is saying it is out of his hands.  Someone plese help me understand how this works, because it's hard for me to imagine being in a relationship where I am at the mercy of someone else's whim.  My husband has even gone as far as asking my 10 year old son to cover (read: lie) for him.  I only found out about that because my son told me about it.  I was so furious about that and I screamed at him because I couldn't believe he did that and I made him tell my son that he was completely wrong for that. Everytime there is a promise of change I REALLY want to believe him.  Am I an idiot for hoping or will this get better with counseling and medication?

ShynSassy
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 3036
   Posted 6/19/2008 4:12 AM (GMT -7)   
Counseling will make him come to terms with his depression and how it is affecting everyone around him.

Now, having depression does not give him a pass for lying and treating his family like crap. Simple as that.

Depression does give him a pass for feeling crappy inside,and not being able to be happy.

I hope that his counselor will make him understand that.

It is unforgivable that he made his own son try to cover for his lies.
That just makes me sick. He needs to stop with the excuses and start acting like the man of the house and get to the doctor.

I wonder if he worries that once he has been to the doctor, that maybe then he won't have anything to blame his acts on..

Keep these thoughts in the back of your mind,and remember you can't change him...he can only change yourself..it is up to you on how much more you take.
You have to take care of yourself, if he is not willing to get help,then get help by yourself and try to figure out what road you want to turn on.
Shy


Mod- Depression

Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia

Please remember,I am not a professional..I am just a person who is also fighting depression.


I know I'm in my own little world, but it's ok. They know me here.


tigereye
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2008
Total Posts : 21
   Posted 6/19/2008 6:18 AM (GMT -7)   

hi there,ihave to be blunt,i agree with al the other replies ,however what effect is his behaviour having on the emotional development of your children?i know you love yor career,but whats important here.if youhavnt already your gonna reach breaking point he already resents you being away but maybe the support you say he gets from family and  friends just isnt enough maybe he needs you ,so do the kids,depressions bad enough but when your roc k bottom its really hard to be honest with people you love about what help, is actually given and what is actually neede d.this bloke needs some action now before  something happens.youneed time out i knoew thats not as simple when your in your line of wirk,but something needs to give asap if not for the kids sake its not just about him and his illness ,depression affecys everone around them.oh and are you sure hes not bipolar theres a lot of similar trates ie spending etc i know that  can also be a comfort thing to.

look im sorry to be so blunt but it does matter,my thoughts are with you,take care tigereye in the uk


tigereye
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2008
Total Posts : 21
   Posted 6/19/2008 6:26 AM (GMT -7)   
hi im back,i forgot to say dont let his depression be an excuse for bad behaviour,thats what alcoholics do.ok it may lead you to make the wrong decisions at times but thats different,god knows ive made a few.depression doesnt make you thick or stupid but can sometimes cloud your judgement or you r perspective on things.have you any support through your job because it must be difficult to fully focus when youve got all this going on?my thoughts are with you tigereye
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