My Husband Is An Alcoholic

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willow57
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2008
Total Posts : 12
   Posted 6/17/2008 10:24 AM (GMT -7)   
This is my first time putting me and my problems out in open like this. I have been a member only a short time and I will admitt it has taken me a few day's to get to this point. I have been reading everyones entries and I can clearly see the compation that everyone on this site has. It fills my heart with gladness to know there is a safe place for people share there everyday crisis.
My husband has always had a drinking problem, he was what some might call 'A Functional Alcoholic', and we just kept sliding by. In 06 he knew something was wrong he was getting sicker and sicker, instead of listening to my advice to see a doctor, he went to drinking more, I guess to cover up his fears. In late Dec., he finally agree to make the appointment. He was diagnosed with cancer. Large B Cell Lymphoma.  I fought him everyday to get him to agree with the Doctor's plan of therapy, 8 month's of Chemo., and as the days got closer, he began drinking more and more. I was getting to the point I wanted him to leave, but I stuck it out because I knew he would not follow through if I wasn't there to push him. Then the day arrived for his regimen to begin, he went.  The first treatment was very long, he had a really hard time. The next one went a little easier so he managed to push that first beer down. After that day, he road the pace he had managed to set for himself. Every Chemo., more beer. By the time he got to his last treatment he had become a heavy duty, full blown alcoholic. The family support was gone, the kids didn't want to come around any more. My life had managed to head for a ride of no return in sight. At this point, I was becoming more and more depressed. I got angry with my kids, I didn't want nothing to do with our families, in my eye's everyone abandoned me. I have been left to deal with all these problems I created.  
Recently I asked him to leave. He went off to PA with his family. Everday he calls trying to get me to cave, as I have time and time again. Last night he called to inform me, he has made an appointment with our local outpatient rehab., clinic for help and he would be home this coming Sunday. I told him they have Rehab., centers everywhere and he should stay in PA, with his family where he would have alot of love and support. He insist he can't do this without me. This is the point I start caving...He know's it and so do I.  Do I stick to my dicision and let him face all the pain he has caused, or do I treat this as another disease and stand by him once again?
Lost and confused...
Always look to your past to better your future


thirstyforchrist
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2008
Total Posts : 416
   Posted 6/17/2008 11:01 AM (GMT -7)   
OKay, this is just what I think I would do. you know your situation and I don't but I can share my thoughts. I think if I were in your position I would give him another chance. But I would make it a deal where he has to complete the whole rehab program and be sober for so long before he could come back home. Let him know that your serious but that you still love and support him. You have to let him know how serious you are. And I will be praying for you. Stay strong in whatever you decide to do and let us know how everything is going!!
"There is hope for every man, a solid place where we can stand, in this dry in weary land, there is hope for every man... Jesus is hope for every man"  -Casting Crowns


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40601
   Posted 6/17/2008 2:05 PM (GMT -7)   
I tend to agree with Thirsty. I think that you should give him that last chance and stand by him. If he doesn't follow through with it, then you know that you did all that you could for him. It is so hard in these situations, I know that you love him. I can see your point though about wanting him to go into rehab there. In a way that would be good because then he did it on his own. And he does have to do this for himself. Now I am more mixed up than I was. So I am not much help. I am sorry for this. But either way, you are still there for him and I know that is what matters to you. It is going to be hard for the both of you for him to get through this, but you battled cancer with him, so I think that you could get through just about anything.

We tend to get so angry with this disease, alcoholism, it changes people and makes them sick, but it is a disease, just like the cancer was. So with saying that, I can see I am no help. Let's see what other members have to say.

I do hope this helped, even if just a little.

Hugs, Karen...
  Moderator-Depression
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 6/17/2008 6:52 PM (GMT -7)   
Hello, I am Kitt and I am going to do the 360 degree and agree with your present thinking.  Alcoholics can be very manipulative and pulling you back into enabling him is not going to benefit him.  He needs to find an inpatient rehab center IMHO and get himself treatment.  Only he can do that and you have stood beside him and are still there. You can tell him you are praying for him and love him but he must do this on his own.  His family in PA will perhaps not be so emotionally involved and will not fall for his plea to get his own way.
 
However for your sake you have to take care of you.  He will continue to sweet talk you as he is after something......he wants to come home where he is back in his old stomping grounds.

Alcohol addiction is no laughing matter.  Your husband drank his way through chemo, I wish the physicians would have known that. They may have been able to intercede.
The best way to treat severe alcohol addiction is through an inpatient treatment. It provides a more intensive treatment since it is highly supervised by doctors.
I hope this helps you in some small way but in the end your decision is your own to make and either way I support you.  I do not judge, but I do give hugs.
 
Gentle Hugs
Kitt
 
 

Kitt, Moderator: Anxiety, Panic & Depression 
*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
Not a mental health professional of any kind
It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.~Mahatma Gandhi~


chrissy27
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2007
Total Posts : 67
   Posted 6/17/2008 7:14 PM (GMT -7)   
My husband's brother and cousin are both alcoholics and my mother in law is a drug addict. In my personal opinion you can't trust a person who is being controlled by a substance. It's not really them talking. This is just my opinion but I think that before you can take care of things between you and your husband you have to take care of yourself first. You've been through a lot and you have to heal and help yourself see a little clearly. Feelings can be manipulated very easily...especially if it's someone you love..... cancer is something hard to cope with too but it's no excuse to waste time with alcohol. Life is too precious. I agree with Kitt. I think you should tell him you will be praying for him but he should do this on his own. If being with you is important to him he will want to be with you sober.
28 yr old female, diagnosed with crohn's colitis with stricture of the colon april 2007, first fistula- october 07 :(  
joint pain and swelling
 
 
current medications:  Imuran 50 MG, Lialda 1.2g, tramadol 50mg when needed, remicade every 8wks


chrissy27
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2007
Total Posts : 67
   Posted 6/17/2008 7:16 PM (GMT -7)   
I'm sorry i wanted to add that i don't judge your husband for what he does. People make mistakes. And if you decide to let him come home i don't judge you for that either. You take care. God Bless

christina
28 yr old female, diagnosed with crohn's colitis with stricture of the colon april 2007, first fistula- october 07 :(  
joint pain and swelling
 
 
current medications:  Imuran 50 MG, Lialda 1.2g, tramadol 50mg when needed, remicade every 8wks


willow57
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2008
Total Posts : 12
   Posted 6/18/2008 5:58 AM (GMT -7)   
I thank you for the love and support. I haven't had any for such a long time.
Although I know I need to stand my ground with him, I'm scared. I am so worried if I don't continue to stand behind him, he will find a way in his sick mind to turn this aroud on me. It's probable the signs of a stereotype alcoholic.
I don't know for sure becuase I haven't seen it, but I'm afraid if I turn him away now then he will use this to give him the confidence to take it to the next level. From mental abuse to physical.
How do I put these genuine fears to rest so I can stand strong??
Always look to your past to better your future


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 6/18/2008 8:22 AM (GMT -7)   

Dear willow, Have you thought of joining Al-Anon.  Here is the link to locate a site near you.

http://www.al-anonfamilygroups.org/meetings/meeting.html

They also have electronic meetings, it is all on the website. Please take a look.
Hugs
Kitt

 

Kitt, Moderator: Anxiety, Panic & Depression 
*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
Not a mental health professional of any kind
It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.~Mahatma Gandhi~


willow57
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2008
Total Posts : 12
   Posted 6/18/2008 10:08 AM (GMT -7)   
Kitt,
I have, unfortunatly in my local area the few meetings that are available are not in my schedule. I own a small business. I know that is no reason, but if I don't have that I don't have anything. I went to my dr. for help, he is trying to get me in therapy, again, unfortunatly my insurance does not cover mental health, or addictions. Sad hey!! They will cover you if you want to slash your wrist, because now that's and emergency. Who ever heard of such a stupid statement.
I am not in a very good place today, It seems like every way I turn, there's another closed door. I spent the last 3 hours of my life laying on my sofa crying like a little lost child. I prayed for help and guidence. I am so lost and wraped up in this problem and I'm angry at myself for being here and my husband for placing me here. I know this was not meant to defet me but to make me stronger. I now all the words to say to someone else in this place. What I don't know is how I get me out of it.
I guess that will come eventually, when it's time.
Gotta go, buth than you Kitt for caring
Always look to your past to better your future


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40601
   Posted 6/18/2008 10:13 AM (GMT -7)   
Willow,

I know that it doesn't feel like it right now, but this is making you stronger. Just keep praying and keep the faith that everything will work out.

Remember that you have us here to listen and offer suggestions as we see needed. We all care about you and want the best for you. Follow your heart my dear. You will make it.

Luv and hugs, Karen...
  Moderator-Depression
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 6/18/2008 4:17 PM (GMT -7)   

Hello Dear Sweet Lady,

I am going to give you the link to Hazelden Rehab Facility.  But first this:

Today's thought from Hazelden is:

Today I will practice detachment by letting go of things. I can't control.

Detachment means standing back and looking at a situation without having a hand in it. Watching fireworks is practicing detachment. Flying a kite is not. Allowing friends the freedom to have their own opinions is practicing detachment. Feeling compelled to change their minds is not. Watching a child create her own drawing is practicing detachment. Holding her hand while she draws is not.

I can't control other people, their actions, or their beliefs by forcing them to act or believe as I do. Detachment helps me see the big picture, since I can see things more clearly from a distance.

Today, and from now on, I will practice taking care of myself by detaching from people or situations that aren't good for me. Today I will pay close attention to when I am trying to force the issue, and I'll remember that my time would be better spent leaving it alone.

 
I belong to their online community as I find a lot of wonderful info on ther site and everyday I automatically receive Today's thought from Hazelden.  It speaks to your heart and soul so often and is emailed right to you.
 
Anything that can help you feel better or understand you are not alone to me is helpful.
Gentle Hugs
Kitt
 

Kitt, Moderator: Anxiety, Panic & Depression 
*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
Not a mental health professional of any kind
It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.~Mahatma Gandhi~


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40601
   Posted 6/18/2008 4:45 PM (GMT -7)   
Kitt,

Thank you again for that information. You are so good at acquiring things. I wish I had that talent. This is so helpful to me also. Thank you again...

Luv and hugs, Karen...
  Moderator-Depression
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


willow57
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2008
Total Posts : 12
   Posted 6/19/2008 5:12 AM (GMT -7)   
Kitt
Again, thank you for your advice. I believe you must have been sent from heaven. You have so much compassion, you always seem to know the right thing to say at the right moment. I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Yesterday I hit my bottom. I was so distraught, there was so much pressure coming from my husband, my work and just noraml life disappointment I allowed my self to get caught up in the moment.

I did take your advice with the al-anon web site. I went to their chat room and finally for the first time realized, I am not the only one. I knew that in my mind, but when you are on the slide going down to no where, you can't see, it grabs ahold of your mind and twist everything together.

I called my brother and we did a prayer meeting at my home. My husband called and I put him on speaker phone. Now other's know. When we hung up I was told to stop it. of course not intentionally I was setting myself up again. I was told, the only way to stop this was to ask him to except the responsibility of carrying this bucket he has placed on my back.

He called me again last night. I told him I can no longer be of use to you. I said, I have had to carry
your burdens for such a long time I have now lost sight of myself. I informed him, the only way you can come home is if you call the center for recovery and accept the help they offered to you. That is a 30 day inhouse rehab. and even then, you can't come back to me, until the day you are to be admitted. Or, you can stay in PA., find a program in your home town. You have family there that will love and support you. Those are the only choices I have to offer you. I told him I love love and I will not abandon you, but, if YOU choose not to follow through, that is your choice. If you choose to continue on the same road, then walk that road with your head up high because I will no longer be ahead of you to clear your path. I told him, although I love you....I love me more and you do not have the right dictate my choices in my life because he is not healthy enough to make his own. I am taking that power away from you.. I said, I have no more to say about this now the ball is back in your court and I will not take part in your self distruction. The end

You all on this forum have played such an important roll in my well being I can't express my gratituted enough. Thank you...Like I have always told other's.
"God never closes a door with out opening a window."
Always look to your past to better your future


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 6/19/2008 7:49 AM (GMT -7)   

Willow,

I am so proud of you and now you have no dark secrets to worry about, you have people to talk to and you have done the right thing.  There will be moments when you weaken but then you  will pull strength from deep down inside and you will make it through.

You have your HW family every step of the way so lean on all of us and what you did last night is absolutley awe inspiring. I think this is your prayer for today...............one I am sure you know well.

The Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.

The miracle of your existence calls for celebration every day.
Gentle Hugs
Kitt


 

Kitt, Moderator: Anxiety, Panic & Depression 
*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
Not a mental health professional of any kind
It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.~Mahatma Gandhi~


willow57
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2008
Total Posts : 12
   Posted 6/19/2008 10:32 PM (GMT -7)   
I'm asking for your love and thoughts once again.
My husband called a little while ago and he claims he is coming home. I did stand tough as I promised myself I would. darn, I'm so mad at this worthless, distructive and manipulative disease. If it was a physical identity you could stand up and face it right in the eye, but it's not. So here I am with my mind going crazy trying to always stay atleast on step ahead of it.

My question is, should I change the locks on the doors and get an order of protection to keep him away? I'm not going to say I'm not in fear of what his intentions would be if he chose to come after I've made it loud and clear that that's not an option available to him, because it's not his mind, it's the disease taken control. My main goal would be, if he was to come then I would have the law behind me and he would be forced to face the reality of his disease. And just maybe since this already has been well documented with our local Center for Recovery and our family dr., the court sysem its self would be in charge of his so needed in patient care.

I'm so displaced with all of this I'm grasping for straws with trying to stay constant with my demands
Thank you for your input,
Willow
Always look to your past to better your future


ShynSassy
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 3036
   Posted 6/20/2008 3:35 AM (GMT -7)   
Willow

You are a very strong person,and I think that he will take your advice

I am keeping my fingers crossed for you.
Shy


Mod- Depression

Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia

Please remember,I am not a professional..I am just a person who is also fighting depression.


I know I'm in my own little world, but it's ok. They know me here.

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