Post Edited (nina62) : 6/21/2008 2:30:22 AM (GMT-6)
Hi Nina..one more lil bit of info. and it's only from my own experience - depression for me never comes on suddenly - I can appear cheery on the outside for quite some time..in fact I am an expert at this and it takes a little trigger like maybe moving - like your partner - something out of my comfort zone anyway - and then aaaargh it hits real bad..and yes I push people away etc. but it's only coz it's like I don't want them to see me so low.. but in actual fact I do need people around me to help me get thru lol...hang in there Nina - can you visit him in the near future? - I see from your post you are doing the long distance thing just now..that way you will see for yourself just how things are for him just now..when I feel real bad - leaving the house and going for a walk can be a really scary thing at first - usually takes a few attempts to do it..and takes a heck of a lot of patience from my husband bless him :) and you :) x
This is my first tim on the site and I just wanted to say thank you to Nina for sharing this - and to everyone who has chimed in with support. Reading your posts, Nina, I am struck but how simliar our situations are. I"ve been with my boyfriend for a year and a half, and we were so happy and in love, and we communicated well and had plans, etc. And meanwhile I thought our relationship was helping him cope with all of the bad stuff he's dealt with this year - a friend's suicide, deaths in the family, his mom being diagnosed with breast cancer (though they caught it early and she should be OK). He reacted to all of this like everything was fine, and barely talked about it - in retrospect I think he was in denial and also afraid to show me how bad he was feeling. And then one day out of the blue he broke up with me. Just talking to him, he seemed like a different person. His thinking was so negative - like he would look at a 50% full glass and not just say it was half empty, but that it was all empty. He told me he thought he couldn't make me happy, which wasn't rational, because he does make me happy. But he also said while he felt so much loyalty to me and that he loved me very much and thinks of me as his best friend, he needed to "go through this alone" and felt he had to isolate himself. He ended the romantic relationship, then got back together we me a week later, and then broke up with me again. I was devastated. It's all been really hard, and it's especially hard not to blame myself and/or take his behavior personally. It's hard to know how much of him is actually him and how much of it is his depression. He is getting treatment, thankfully, and his doctor has confirmed it's depression.
For me, I've been faced with the same dilemma of what role I shoud play in all this. He told me he wants me in my life and that he loves me. For a while I tried to talk him out of leaving and point out the realities that our relationship is healthy, that he makes me happy, and that I want to be there. But there was no convincing him, and so I've accepted the end of our romantic relationship (at least as we've known it up until now). At first I felt I needed to be apart from him to move on and cope, but I know isolation isn't good for him and deep down I really think (and hope) it's temporary and just his illness and that as he recovers he'll be able to become my boyfriend again. So I've decided like you to be patient, tough it out, and be there for him, without pressuring him. It made him really happy when I told him that. I think he needed to not feel so guilty about doing what he needs to do for himself. So, I'm letting him take the lead. But it gives me so much hope to hear that you and your boyfriend have been able to just enjoy each other and be there for each other even without the romantic relationship. From all you've written, I think you're doing the right thing, and that it will work out OK for you. And it helps me feel like I'm not alone and also doing the right thing.
So, thank you! And thanks to you all! Hang in there, and know you aren't alone!