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mollyy
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2008
Total Posts : 6
   Posted 6/22/2008 9:39 AM (GMT -7)   
Please help! confused

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40566
   Posted 6/22/2008 9:59 AM (GMT -7)   

Hi Molly,

Did you have an abortion or are you thinking about having one.

This is a choice that only you can make.  And you have to live with it no matter what. 

Please give us some more information, we are here for you.  No body will judge you so try and feel comfortable here so we can help you. 

I know that it isn't an easy decision to make.  You have to weigh out the consequences in a situation like this.  And if you do it, you can't dwell on it or feel guilty for what you did.  You can grieve it, but then you have to get on with life.  I am sure that you aren't taking this lightly, and that is normal. 

Like I say, give us some more information on you situation and we will help you get through it.  Sweetie, you are only human.  Remember that, and remember whatever you have decided was probably for the best and we are here for you.

Please post more,

Luv and hugs, Karen


  Moderator-Depression
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 6/22/2008 11:57 AM (GMT -7)   

Hello Molly,

This is Kitt and welcome to our forum.  Please do give us a few more details so we can give you the appropriate support and advice, OK.  Gentle Hugs to you.  Don't be afraid, you are not alone.

Kitt


 

Kitt, Moderator: Anxiety, Panic & Depression 
*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
Not a mental health professional of any kind
It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.~Mahatma Gandhi~


mollyy
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2008
Total Posts : 6
   Posted 6/23/2008 6:41 AM (GMT -7)   
thankyou for your warm thoughts. I had an early abortion using tablets starting last wednesday. Yesterday and this morning i felt terrible, suicidal even, but now im ok. My emotions are up and down. I knew this would be hard but i also knew i couldnt keep the baby. i never expected to feel so guilty. I already have 3 great kids, but i also had a still birth at 35 weeks gestation 11 years ago. This has brought back a lot of bad memories.
 The father of the child i have aborted has been with me for 4 years and we are very much in love, only problem is iam british and he is indian (i live in India) He is in an unhappy arranged marrage, they also have grown up children and the culture here is very strict, its hard to explain. Anyway in an ideal world we would have been very happy to keep our child who was wanted and would have been very much loved. But to keep it would have hurt a lot of people and this way only we are hurting so i guess ive done the right thing. I will be fine with time im sure. Have to go to clinic on thursday to make sure abortion is complete if not will have to have D&C which frightens me. 
 Whats done is done and i know one day i will be ok.

stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 6/23/2008 7:47 AM (GMT -7)   

Dear Molly,

I am oh so very sorry this has happened and I know how much pain your are in.  I am sure you spent a lot of time discussing all the pros and cons and what to do.  Yes, you feel depressed and I understand it bringing back old memories.  Please talk to someone close to you that you can trust and tell them how you feel.  When you return to the clinic let them know how you feel.  You are grieving and let yourself feel the sorrow. 

Yes it will get better in time but right now you need love and understanding.  You have that from me and if you want to email me my email is open, just click on the blue envelope by my name.

I will pray for you and gentle hugs

Kitt


 

Kitt, Moderator: Anxiety, Panic & Depression 
*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
Not a mental health professional of any kind
It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.~Mahatma Gandhi~


dejavu
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2008
Total Posts : 61
   Posted 6/23/2008 7:48 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Mollyy ,
First giving you a hug , There is much going on for you at the moment , first really take care of yourself physically , second it would be a good idea to see a councellor , losing a child in any circumstances or at any time in their developement is a serious and difficult time for any woman , allow yourself to feel grief but not guilt , you made a wise decision , thinking of others before yourself . You need to talk this out with a proffessional . there is also a physical chemical aspect to you distress , the hormonal seesaw which occurs after a interruption of pregnancy . this can be stabilised with appropriate meds.
You have been so very responsible in this complex situation ,, please now cherish and care for yourself , physically and mentally .

best wishes dejavu
the sun is always there, yet we cannot always see it ...


mollyy
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2008
Total Posts : 6
   Posted 6/23/2008 8:09 AM (GMT -7)   
thankyou for your support it means a lot too me as i have no friends or family here and i cannot discuss this with anyone as it is a sensitive situation. i am alone a lot of the time. you are the only people i can talk too. Do you know how long it will take for my hormones too calm down!?  

dejavu
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2008
Total Posts : 61
   Posted 6/23/2008 8:26 AM (GMT -7)   
Dear Mollyy ,
I am sorry that you have no close confident , keep posting here , I suggest you talk to the Doctors at the Clinic on thursday about your hormones . They will be able to give you the appropriate answers for you .

Take care dejavu
the sun is always there, yet we cannot always see it ...


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40566
   Posted 6/23/2008 9:03 AM (GMT -7)   
dearest Molly,

I just want to say that I really feel for you. And that my thoughts and prayers are with you throughout this difficult time. Like as was said above, grieve, but don't feel guilty. Just go with your feelings for now and embrace them.

Keep posting, we are here for you.

Luv and hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 6/23/2008 9:07 AM (GMT -7)   

Dear Molly,

We are open 24/7 so you can always come here and talk to us.  We are more then happy to support you and talk with you.  I am sorry you have no one to talk to where you are but I do understand completely.

Gentle Hugs

Kitt


 

Kitt, Moderator: Anxiety, Panic & Depression 
*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
Not a mental health professional of any kind
It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.~Mahatma Gandhi~


tigereye
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2008
Total Posts : 21
   Posted 6/24/2008 5:53 AM (GMT -7)   
hi molly ,i dont know if you have any religeous or spiritual beliefs or what your upbringing was like regards that.i do know some of those beliefs may affect how you deal with your abortion it shouldnt but it does .sometime later when your hormones have settled down it can take a while ,think about talking it over with a good friend or cousellor.it can help you work with your
feelings your left with ,no one can tell you what those will be see how you are you may feel different in a few months than you do now. you may at sometime think about forgiving yourself as it sounds as though you were very torn and this will be one of the keys to your healing.this baby was not meant to be .only god knows that you have no need to feel guilty but you will anyway .it sounds as though inside you know that youve got your head screwed on the right way.only time and support will heal,sometimes we have to make these really painful choices in life and also come to terms eventually with the pain and hurt in making them.
my healing thoughts are with you,dont give yourself a hard time take care tigereye in the uk

stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 6/24/2008 7:27 AM (GMT -7)   

Good Morning Molly,

Just dropping in to say hello and to let you know Iam thinking of you so post when you feel up to it.  We are here for you.

Hugs

Kitt


 

Kitt, Moderator: Anxiety, Panic & Depression 
*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
Not a mental health professional of any kind
It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.~Mahatma Gandhi~


Enz
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2008
Total Posts : 8
   Posted 6/25/2008 6:28 PM (GMT -7)   
Dear Molly,

I had a very similar experience almost 10 years ago. I have suffered from major depressive disorder my whole life. I also moved to a different country where I knew no one and ended up isolating myself further. The person I eventually started a relationship with was ashamed of me (because we were different races) and so we never went outside. I didn't see anything wrong with it at the time because I was very lonely and isolated and he was my only contact to the outside world (aside from work).

about eight months later I became pregnant, I told him and he got very angry and told me to "just get rid of it". He didn't return my calls for 6 weeks and ended up cleaning out my bank account (I had stupidly given him access). So I had to go to the clinic alone, while there were protesters outside (this was in the US bible belt) throwing eggs. I also took the pills to induce, but they didn't work and so I had to go back a week later for a D&C.

Because I had noone to take me or stay with me, I wasn't allowed any anesthetic and it was the most excruciating pain I've felt in my life. Both emotionally and physically.

I could not tell my mother, she was half a world away and I know she would've been devastated. The one friend I had at work turned her back on me since she didn't believe in abortion for religious reasons. I went to a psychologist through the EAP at work who was puzzled and shocked as she hadn't had someone with this problem. She said that god will forgive me eventually. I am not religious. This sent me into a deep downward spiral and the only thing stopping me was not wanting my mother to have to deal with the consequences if I took my own life, she didn't deserve to be put through that. Sometimes I even secretly hated her because she was the only thing keeping me from ending the pain.

All I can say is, that it most definitely gets easier with time. That probably doesn't help right now, but taking one day at a time, one minute at a time helps. Don't be hard on yourself, and do not second guess your decision to terminate because you made the right one in the moment. This was difficult for me living in the US where there is such a stigma against abortion unlike my native country where it is accepted more readily.

I'm not sure of your support system, but the more conservative the country, then the more careful you have to be in who you confide in. I lost my only friend and boyfriend because of what happened, though looking back that was probably a good thing since they weren't really my friends. There's also the danger that people will criticize you for getting pregnant in the first place. I told another friend about 5 years later and she chastized me saying that I should've known better than that, and how could I have been so stupid. Accidents happen. So you may need to prepare yourself for adverse reactions from people you confide in. I wasn't and that just compounded everything.

Another thing I found is that the huge fluctuation in my hormone levels contributed to my suicidal state and if this happens you should get help immediately. My guilt, shame and depression was made worse by the biological effects which I wasn't aware of at the time.

Ten years later I don't feel guilt, I know it was the right decision. And I think after 18 years I finally have the right combination of meds. There is hope and despite what you think, you aren't alone and others have survived similar experiences. So just try and hang in there, I promise it does get easier.

Lots of Hugs
E

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40566
   Posted 6/25/2008 7:22 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Enz,

I just wanted to welcome you to HealingWell and the depression forum. You have in my opinion given some good advice. I hope that you stick with the forum and post some more.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


Enz
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2008
Total Posts : 8
   Posted 6/26/2008 4:38 AM (GMT -7)   

Hi Karen,

Thanks so much for the welcome.  I just discovered this forum yesterday and I don't think I've seen the level of support among posters and moderators in a mental health forum before. In fact, this is the first message I've ever posted on such a forum - I usually just stick to the ones discussing TV shows!

Thank you for maintaining such a comprehensive well laid-out forum.  I've found a lot of the discussions here to be useful and informative, especially the ones on medications, I've probably tried 16 different ones over the years. I hope I can contribute something useful in the other threads also.

Hugs back,

Enz

 


mollyy
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2008
Total Posts : 6
   Posted 6/26/2008 7:01 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Enz,
 Your story realy toutched me, thankyou for sharing your experience. I feel lucky that at least i still have my boyfriend who also wishes we could have kept the baby. Hes as supportive as he can be but tends to put on a front to hide emotions and says i should forget the whole experience now as whats done is done. Thats easy for him too say and i am trying. There is no counceling offered here and i have no other support, eg friends that i can talk to. My work is in tourism and i have to take care of guests and make sure they have a happy holiday which is hard at the moment.
  I also chose not to tell my mum about all this and have foned her today for the first time in 2 weeks i couldnt face calling her before. She would be upset if she knew the truth.
  I think im coping well aulthough not eating very well and having nightmares. I will survive this and like u say time heals.
     Again thankyou muck luv Moll
 

Enz
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2008
Total Posts : 8
   Posted 6/26/2008 10:24 AM (GMT -7)   

Hi Molly,

Thanks for the kind words.  It is good that your boyfriend is sticking by you. But it is ok to "pick and choose" from whatever he says to heart.  The "get over it" attitude is the default response for a lot of guys in this situation simply because they don't know what to say or how to act, and they may even feel some guilt and sadness themselves that they do not know how to fully express. 

I think this is especially true of Hindu men (I'm guessing your boyfriend is), because I have also been in a previous relationship with one (Nepalese) - their family values are very traditional and ingrained, and children out of wedlock is frowned upon. I suggest that you try to explain to him that it will take some time to make the emotional (and physical) adjustment and to please be understanding and patient.

My thoughts are with you, I was in exactly the same position with regards to not having someone available to speak to candidly without fear of judgement and living in a foreign country. However you have a bigger challenge living in such a radically different culture. I would strongly urge you to seek out someone to talk to, only if it is for a few sessions. Sometimes its good to just get it all out in one go. I did a quick internet search and I found the Indian Psychologists Association -  http://www.iacp.in/index.htm . They may be a good place to start if you want to try that avenue.  Try not to be discouraged by negative reactions, keep going until you find someone.  Maybe even ask for a referral or suggestions from a social group in the British Embassy? I came across a few british expat sites, here is one for india: http://brit.meetup.com/cities/in/

You also face a big challenge having to work in a service industry and trying to put on a "brave face" every day. I was lucky in that I could just hide in my office under my desk!  If it is available to you, I would also suggest taking one or two days off work just to take some time for yourself as long as you don't isolate yourself for too long. Don't place pressure on yourself to 'get over' this, try to cut down as many work, social or other stress-inducing obligations as you can.

If there's one thing I've learned, its that in times of stress, proper nutrition is vital.  Getting the proper nutrients, (espcially tryptophan and glutomate which stimulate neural transmitters including serotonin), drinking water and getting some exposure to sun light are all good non-drug therapy.

I hope you return to keep us updated. I've signed off to be notified of any replies here, and so I'm here to offer advice or just "listen".

Enz (a fellow Commonwealthian!)


Ankh
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2008
Total Posts : 18
   Posted 6/27/2008 8:15 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi, molly. Just wanted to say I'm thinking about you. I had an abortion a few years ago due to health concerns. I was also very young and not ready, but I did want to have the baby. I can say that the hormones didn't last more than a couple weeks after, but I remember being very hormonal and depressed. It's perfectly normal and usually does fade with a little time.

I don't think about it too much. I was worried at the time that I would always think about how old he/she would have been as the years ticked by, but I really don't. It was the right decision to make. When I have my first child, it will be when I am in good health and ready to take care of him or her.

It's a shame there is such a stigma around this that people feel they can't share with family and friends. It would make it so much easier to cope with if we could have support networks. But I remember the feeling all too well of feeling so alone in my sadness and turmoil; perhaps that was the hardest part.

Just know that people can definitely relate. You are not alone. And it does get better. :-)

thirstyforchrist
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2008
Total Posts : 416
   Posted 6/27/2008 9:20 AM (GMT -7)   
Oh mollly,
I don't know exactly what to say. I will share my story though. I have a beautiful two year old son with my husband. We are now seperated and may be getting divorced. Anyway in October of last year I got pregnant again. I was exited at first but then I got mad. I didn't want to have another baby. I didn't want to have another baby with my husband because he never helped me with our son. I was 16 when I got pregnant with him and 17 when I got married and had our boy. He never helped me or supported any decisions I made. He didn't help me with the post partum depression I went through either. So anyway when I got pregnant in October I hated the baby before it was even big enough to be called a baby. I prayed that I would miscarry and I spoke out loud that I wished it would die. Or that I would be in an accident and it would kill the baby. Two weeks after I had found out I was pregnant, I miscarried. And I still believe to this day that I aborted my baby with my mind and with my words. I had tremendous guilt about it. I still have guilty times everynow and then but I know that I was not meant to have that baby. And so all I have to tell you is that the guilt and the crazy emotions will fade with time. I will be praying for you and your boyfriend. I hope this helps you. Try and have a good day.
"There is hope for every man, a solid place where we can stand, in this dry in weary land, there is hope for every man... Jesus is hope for every man"  -Casting Crowns


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 6/27/2008 11:01 AM (GMT -7)   

Hi Enz,

This is Kitt and Welcome to HealingWell.  Please feel comfortable starting your own thread as we would all love to meet you.
 
I cannot tell you how much I admire your post and the generous sharing of your story.  You went through a horrible ordeal without support and that was so wrong.  I am sorry that happened to you.
 
Sharing with others here was a very special thing for you to do.  You reached out and helped another understand they were not alone and I know there are lots of stories like yours but it is still wrong for people to pass judgement on others. 
 
I feel bad that you were not able to ever talk with your Mother yet I understand.  I am sure glad she was alive and well so even thow you were mad at her,  she held the ties that kept your with us.  She has no idea of the miralce she performed just by being alive. :-)

There is something comforting about baring your soul to the members of HealingWell and still being able to be anonymous.

Please stick with us as you are one awesome lady.

Gentle Hugs

Kitt


 

Kitt, Moderator: Anxiety, Panic & Depression 
*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
Not a mental health professional of any kind
It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.~Mahatma Gandhi~


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 6/27/2008 11:04 AM (GMT -7)   

Hello Molly,

Just checking in to see how you are and to let you know I am here and if you need anything please ask.

I am so happy with the wonderful support and responses you have received.  I am especially happy to see how the women are willing to share their own stories with you.  That makes this forum a success as well as a safe place to come and talk with other members.

Gentle Hugs to you today and know I care.
Kitt


 

Kitt, Moderator: Anxiety, Panic & Depression 
*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
Not a mental health professional of any kind
It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.~Mahatma Gandhi~


Enz
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2008
Total Posts : 8
   Posted 6/28/2008 4:44 PM (GMT -7)   

Hi Kitt,

Thank you for being so welcoming and supportive, I wish I had discovered this forum sooner. Normally I'm pretty guarded and not so candid, but I had such difficulty finding anything, even just self-help books on the subject and so it was here I felt compelled to share. And you are so right, there is something comforting about getting everything out.

Thank you for the suggestion, I would like to come back and contribute more in other threads about topics I'm familiar with like major and chronic depression, feeling suicidal, bulimia, anxiety, cutting, OCD... basically the whole gamut of mood disorders! As well as my experiences with different meds, their effectiveness and side effects. In fact I only stumbled upon this site last week after searching for info on zoloft withdrawal.

Thank you for being so kind, I have ctrl-D'd this site to my favorites!

Lots hugs

Enz


mollyy
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2008
Total Posts : 6
   Posted 6/29/2008 2:41 AM (GMT -7)   

Hello all,

 Thanx to everyone for your support.

 I had the crazy idea of getting pregnant again and keeping the baby, i guess to try and heal the pain. I suggested this to my boyfriend who says its a realy bad idea and one day i will understand that i have done the right thing.

 Now i am becoming obsessed with my weight, i know this is a keeping control of things issue and am familliar with this type of depression but once i get into it i cant help myself. I also own a gym which im spending every free moment in and eating very little. my weight is dropping fast and i know its not healthy but like i say it gives me some satisfaction to be on control of something, i feel my life is out of control. My weight is now 54kg, it was 65 two weeks ago before all this happened.

 I have to get control somehow for the sake of my kids. I used to drink to forget my problems but have not had any alcohol since march when i had my seccond attack of pancreasitis. It was very severe and docs told me to stop drinking and live or drink and die. I chose to live but now im so messed up!!

 Its great to be able to let out all this stuff here and remain anonymous. Thanx all x

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