Jealousy & Irrationalness

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Confusedli
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 363
   Posted 6/23/2008 2:04 AM (GMT -7)   
Can anyone give me any advice about jealousy!! I can at times be really jealous and possessive and it really tires me out and makes me really emotional, not to mention the effect it has on the people around me!
 
I obsess about the past, my bf was with this girl for 6 years, but they split up about 3 years ago and haven't spoken in maybe the last 2 years, and yet I obsess over her, I feel that she's had more experiences with him and that they must have done loads of different things and that she knows him better than i do and that he knows her better than he knows me. I go on about it and we have bad arguements!!
 
I get possessive when my bf wants to go out with his friends (i don't actually tell him) and then when he's out I obsess over it and am on edge all night! I get upset if he doesn't text me and call me loads (probably more than is reasonable) and I really know that I am being ridiculous, but it really upsets me!
 
I hate that I feel like this!
 
 
"The Optimist sees the rose and not its thorns; the pessimist stares at the thorns, oblivious of the rose."


djdaz_1985
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Date Joined Jan 2006
Total Posts : 2408
   Posted 6/23/2008 5:16 AM (GMT -7)   
Hiya,
 
Maybe there is something from your past which makes you jealous? Maybe this is why you fixate on the past? YOur best bet IMO is seeing a psychologist. There are loads of different therapies out there and there is bound to be one which will help you.
 
Darren
Everyone has a guardian angel. They help pick you up when you fall, comfort you through your times of need and help you appreciate the times when things are going well.
 
"A gold medal is a wonderful thing. But if your not enough without it, you will never be enough with it." - Irvine Blitzer (John Candy) in Cool Runnings
 
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Co-Moderator - Depression Forum
 
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Confusedli
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 363
   Posted 6/23/2008 2:37 PM (GMT -7)   
I don't feel that I can go on, I feel that I am decaying from the inside out, I feel that I can not take another step forward as for every forward step there are 5 back, so why keep trying, I can't do this anymore, I really can't.
 
 
"The Optimist sees the rose and not its thorns; the pessimist stares at the thorns, oblivious of the rose."


ediekristen
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 1366
   Posted 6/23/2008 3:10 PM (GMT -7)   
Oh man, I have this same problem!!

My boyfriend was with this girl for three years and then she dumped him and he moved to Florida where he met me. We started dating a few months later, and after about 6 months moved back to Iowa. I was always SOOO scared that we would run into her, even though she no longer lived in that town, and I worried constantly. He has a thing full of pictures and he saved their prom pictures and one day I found a CD full of pictures of her, and it made me so ridiculously jealous. All I could think was "What if he's still in love with her? What if she was a better girlfriend than me and he wishes I was more like her? What if they run into each other and get back together and he leaves me?" It was all so irrational considering she was not a good girlfriend, cheated on him multiple times, acted like she was so much smarter than everyone and made him feel stupid but still...
Then right before we were moving back to Florida I found out that she had moved back into town and was asking about him! I literally felt physically ill when I heard. He said he had no interest in even talking to her, but I still couldn't help but worry.

I think it's human nature to feel jealous, and I will never understand the people that couldn't care less what their boyfriend is out doing and who they're with. I don't call him every 5 minutes but it's nice to know. The way I see it is, if you're jealous it means you actually care.

I actually posted a thread here a long time ago about jealous and being irrational. I still haven't gotten over it but I think I'm getting better. I just tell myself, he's with me and he loves me and that's all there is to it. I always think therapy would probably really help me but I have some social anxiety problems that I haven't gotten over enough yet to actually make that step.
Female, 22, Ulcerative colitis (pancolitis) since 1999; GERD; gastritis; osteopenia in hip & lumbar region of the spine from long term prednisone use.

Current Meds:
10mg Lexapro (for depression/social anxiety)
Digestive Advantage: Crohn's and Colitis formula (2 pills per day, started 5/14/08)
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stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 6/23/2008 5:03 PM (GMT -7)   
Confusedli said...
I don't feel that I can go on, I feel that I am decaying from the inside out, I feel that I can not take another step forward as for every forward step there are 5 back, so why keep trying, I can't do this anymore, I really can't.

A person who has a poor self-image may feel threatened and believe that she has nothing to offer to keep someone else interested.
 
If this is what is upsetting you tonight then I definitely think you need to seek help from a professional as your above quote is very concerning.  I am going to post the crisis hotline numbers for you and ask you to please contact them if you truly feel you cannot do this anymore.
 
NDMDA Depression Hotline | Support Group. 800-826-3632
Crisis Help Line | For Any Kind of Crisis 800-233-4357
The US Suicide Hotline 1-800-784-2433

I agree with Darren, you need professional counseling and we are not professionals, we are peers and here to suppot you as you take steps toward trying to heal.

Gentle hugs and please try to work toward getting better.

Kitt

 



 

Kitt, Moderator: Anxiety, Panic & Depression 
*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
Not a mental health professional of any kind
It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.~Mahatma Gandhi~


Aurora60
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1249
   Posted 6/23/2008 5:40 PM (GMT -7)   

Confused,  I think it is natural to feel a certain amount of jealousy but it is something you will need to get over if you are going to have a successful relationship with your bf.  Social anxiety is getting to be a more common thing and it is something that can be resolved by working with a therapist and also I know there are meds that help.  If you get too jealous and possesive with your bf you may drive him away.  It is natural for people to keep mementos or pictures from past relationships.  I have been divorced 25 years and I still have my wedding album and sometimes look at the pictures because it was a happy day for me.  But that does not mean in any way that I would want to be with my ex.  If your bf has not spoken to his old girlfirend in several years you don't really need to worry.  The point is he is with you now and that is what matters.  Having fights with him and obsessing about him with his friends is going to make him rethink your relationship and you may end up pushing him away without wanting to.  I think as the others have said you need to have the advice of a neutral person and that would be a good therapist who can teach you ways to cope with your feelings.  I hope you will consider therapy and in the mean time if you need immediate help do contact one of the crises hotlines that Kitt has listed for you.  We all have hard times but you can do this and find that you will have a happier life.  Please keep us posted on what you are doing. I survived my ex leaving one day when I was gone and came home to crying children and a house with all his possesions moved out and I had no idea he was planning this.  I made a new life for myself, so take heart in knowing that you can work out your feelings.

Aurora


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40573
   Posted 6/23/2008 11:52 PM (GMT -7)   
Li,

We all go through days when we feel like we just can't get ahead. I hope that you realize how special you are and remember that we are always here for you. You have so many special qualities.

I hope that you are feeling better, let me know what's going on right now.  Email me...

Luv and hugs, Karen


  Moderator-Depression
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

Post Edited (getting by) : 6/24/2008 12:55:05 AM (GMT-6)


Confusedli
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 363
   Posted 6/24/2008 1:22 AM (GMT -7)   
Thanks for your messages, I do see a counsellor and it is really helping me, but I feel that the bad times hit harder now that they are interspersed with happiness! I'm finding things hard right now and can't see a way to make things better - I guess I will keep looking....
 
 
"The Optimist sees the rose and not its thorns; the pessimist stares at the thorns, oblivious of the rose."


djdaz_1985
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2006
Total Posts : 2408
   Posted 6/24/2008 1:24 AM (GMT -7)   
Try to use the happy times as a goal. You know that they are going to come around again soon so maybe you can pick yourself up by holding out for the good times?

Everyone has a guardian angel. They help pick you up when you fall, comfort you through your times of need and help you appreciate the times when things are going well.
 
"A gold medal is a wonderful thing. But if your not enough without it, you will never be enough with it." - Irvine Blitzer (John Candy) in Cool Runnings
 
Moderator - Epilepsy Forum
Co-Moderator - Depression Forum
 
Help support the forums so we can support you:  http://www.healingwell.com/donate
 


ShynSassy
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 3036
   Posted 6/24/2008 4:04 AM (GMT -7)   
Confused

I am 38 years old,and have had a hard life..been through alot so you would think that I would have gotten over the jealous issues...nope,I hate it when my b/f even mentions his ex girlfriends. I too get nervous when he is not around..

It is our self esteem issues that cause us to think that we are going to loose someone that we love.

I have been working on trying to remember the things he says and does that proves he loves me and no one else.
Also, try to remember that you are worth it,you deserve him and that there is no one else that will take better care of him than you do.

It is going to take awhile,but just trying to do things like that and once a day will help...
Shy


Mod- Depression

Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia

Please remember,I am not a professional..I am just a person who is also fighting depression.


I know I'm in my own little world, but it's ok. They know me here.


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 6/24/2008 8:24 AM (GMT -7)   

Dang I hate admitting to the dumb things I did................but if it helps you see you are not alone.  When my husband and I got married he had all these pictures from when he was in the navy.  They were party pictures of him out with his buddies and girls sitting on his lap..............Oh yeah, I got the scissors and cut out all the girls in the pictures of him with them.

Now that was sick, and he was angry with me..............I was expecting our baby and feeling really fat and ugly and these cute tiny little gals draped all over him just rocked my boat.

I have learned now that he is a man of his word and he has never strayed in 37 years although he may look,  tongue   he is  the best hubby.

I had an ex husband who was a creep so I had some reasons to not trust.  I learned quickly and I think you will too if you remember your the one your b/f chose so be confident that he has chosen well.

Hugs to you

Kitt


 

Kitt, Moderator: Anxiety, Panic & Depression 
*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
Not a mental health professional of any kind
It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.~Mahatma Gandhi~


Confusedli
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 363
   Posted 6/24/2008 8:35 AM (GMT -7)   
Thanks Kitt, You message made me smile, my day isn't feeling to good so it was nice to smile!
 
 
"The Optimist sees the rose and not its thorns; the pessimist stares at the thorns, oblivious of the rose."


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 6/24/2008 11:14 AM (GMT -7)   

I am so glad my confession put a smile on your face.............. :-)

Let the sun warm you and I wish for you peace and happiness but most of all I wish you love.

Hugs

Kitt


 

Kitt, Moderator: Anxiety, Panic & Depression 
*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
Not a mental health professional of any kind
It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.~Mahatma Gandhi~


ShynSassy
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 3036
   Posted 6/25/2008 3:53 AM (GMT -7)   
Kitt
I have had to walk away from my b/f's photo album!!
It would be so easy to cut her out of those..but I am putting my foot down with myself lol..
Shy


Mod- Depression

Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia

Please remember,I am not a professional..I am just a person who is also fighting depression.


I know I'm in my own little world, but it's ok. They know me here.


sheryl=jk
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2004
Total Posts : 4083
   Posted 6/25/2008 5:36 AM (GMT -7)   
I typed this whole post and my son erased to show me some monstors, hes is 14. eyes
Now I got to type all over again.
Kitt i did the same thing, didnt cut pictures but snooped around, i was pretty pregnat with my now husbands child the one that just lost my whole page. But i found recent pics of when we were going out with his ex around his neck, she has in the last 17 years not made it a secret she wants him even told on her 40th B-day party that if anyone could steal him away from me it would be her. i read notes from her, ooh drove me crazy, cuz im haveing his child, but we only knew each other a year and a half, before i was pregnant with my page losing son. so it really upset me. and still does sometimes, i know my marriageis kinda rocky right now, but i dont think he would go back to her, she hsnt had a boyfriend sinc him, this is some 20 odd years now, she cant find someone as good as him I guess. So i had real fear of being jeluos back then, she was trying to take my man, and still does, i dont worry aboutit anymore cuz he doesnt want her, hopefully he wants me( things are rocky). he had another ex that would never leave him alone and sheis still his friend too, and i have to grin and bear it, he has many ex girlfriends that are still friends, and some still want him and two kids and a wife isnt a detterent.  But I know he is with me, if he wanted to be with them he would have. But he chose me.
 
God Bless,and have a Great Day!!.......Love.....Sheryl
xcema,hypermobile,Chronic Bronchitus,Fatigue,Positive ANAFibro-05--Had surgery on left & right knees 06, Interstial Cystitis-06  implanted Interstim-06 hysterectomy & IBS-06 Arthiritus-04 Depression-04GERDS/ Hiatial hernia -07   Anxiety-07 Gastroparesis-08--Occasional Migraines Reglan,Protonix,Prozac,Wellbutrin,Erthomyicin,klonipin,occasional phernergan Im marrried 2 children, one with mild autism, Bipolar(8), she takes Abilify, Buspar, Celexa Son(13) is bipolarw/migraines, Topamax, ZantacGod plz grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference..." Plz help HW to help others by donating: http://www.healingwell.com/donate/

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