How do you pretend to be happy?

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Veteran Member

Date Joined Nov 2006
Total Posts : 1331
   Posted 6/30/2008 12:56 PM (GMT -6)   
I normally post on the arthritis board but I thought this may be a better place.  Lately I have been struggling with family issues.  My oldest son who will soon be 16, decided to move to his dads (1200miles away) and before he left there was much conflict within our family.  It's difficult to be a blended family to say the least.  At this point, my middle son is missing his brother very much, he is 14 and decided not to go for the summer visit, and my daughter who is 11 only goes for a few weeks due to summer activities.  Anyway, I really miss my son and am finding myself getting depressed but at the same time I have to keep a happy face because I don't want my other two children to feel worse than they do.  My current husband and I don't talk about the situation, and this past weekend we went down to my in laws and all I heard was how bad my son was because he didn't want to visit them and had a negative attitude. I wanted to tell them he is my son and he is hurting and it isn't about them.
My son used to be a really good kid, student of the year, well mannered, always with a smile and then he turned 15, started 9th grade and totally changed confused None of us really understand what happend, he turned our household upside down with his anger and we tried to get him counseling, medication, but nothing helped. My son refused the treatment and when we would take him to counseling he would just sit there or argue. It just kills me that he was hurting so much and still is and I couldn't help him.
At this point, I feel defeated, helpless, at times hopeless.  I want my other two children to have a fun and enjoyable summer but yet I feel like there is this huge void without my son here, and nobody really seems to understand.  There are days when I feel like I'm going to come unglued. Anyway, thanks for listening to me.

Veteran Member

Date Joined Jan 2007
Total Posts : 1042
   Posted 6/30/2008 3:44 PM (GMT -6)   
You have so much going on right now and no where to turn.  I've been there...the hormones the angry teen.  You already know that you cant force him to go to councelling, at the moment it is just fueling the fire in his heart.  I dont know why some get so angry when they hit puberty...I used to think it was just us girls who were impossible in our teens devil    I have raised 5 sons...and I know how hard it is.  even harder when one or more has issues.  I think that for now, you should go see your family doctor, or call that councellor your son was seeing, and go on with it yourself.  You need someone to guide you, (along with friends here) so that your missing him, doesnt spill over onto your current relationship. Of course you are grieving..he is your baby, and you feel so frustrated.  Do you have a good relationship with your ex?  He may be able to help in this now that your son is living there.  I'm sorry that your inlaws were so negative when you were visiting.  I guess they couldnt see your broken heart. They were just adding insult to injury.
Your son is still the good kid, he is just growing up, and is confused.  I dont know where his anger is coming from, but hopefully with him away, and your ex watching over will get some answers.  Maybe you could use this situation to help your other son cope.  Like..telling him that if he ever feels anger, or hateful, that he can talk to you anytime.  Tell him it's so important that he keep his relationhip with  You might be able to help each other through this difficult time.
It is very important that you have something to hold on to...being venting here, or get that councelling..but dont just suffer and fret over the "what happened to my child" you need stability now too, so that you can keep that family from falling apart.  What about your current husband?  Is he supportive?
You are a mother, and of course you feel the void when one of your children is missing.  I hope I can think of something better to say later, but I just had to reply now so you know that you are not alone, and that this is fixable even though it feels hopeless.  Things will get better.  Let me know about your ex..and if you can count on any help from  him. 
Holding you close in my thoughts, from one mother to another

Fibromyagia, R/A, Diabetes, Atrial Fib, depression

folic acid, metformin, diamicron, bisoprolol, fenofibrate, pantoloc, wellbutrin, propafenone, ibprofen, warfarin, methotrexate

Some people dream of angels, I held one in my arms

Veteran Member

Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 585
   Posted 6/30/2008 4:46 PM (GMT -6)   

As a young male myself I can somewhat understand his anger, I used to have something similar myself. Being a smart kid will make you think, a lot. He probably won't admit his own problems because in his mind he has plenty of reason to be angry, or sad, or whatever he is feeling like. He might think it isn't his fault, and is angry because others are screwing up, or he could think everything is his fault, and thus he need to fix it himself (remind that this is suggesting based on my own experience).
I used to think the latter, and had some hard times because I always screwed up. I got angry, and depressed because of that.

But what ericsmom says is true. The hormones and the evolutionairy urge to move at, to disconnect, are important factors. Puberty has been the time to leave the tribe, and I think the urge to move out is genetical, not something mental only.

And don't blame him for being the way he is right now. He'd probably don't want help, and counseling won't work unless you accept your state of being and are ready to try to change it.

Please remember it is not your fault, not his fault, not anyones fault. Your son probably has got reasons to be angry, and this anger is most likely to pass in a year, or two years. In the meantime, maybe you could help him find a hobby, something to keep give him a little distraction (music was the key for me, and I used to be a musician "hater" until I reached 13).

I wish you all the best, and if you and your son ever want to talk to anyone who might understand, I am here :)
Acceptance is the key

Existential depression and Insecurity

Try to keep smiling! :)

Veteran Member

Date Joined Nov 2006
Total Posts : 1331
   Posted 6/30/2008 6:29 PM (GMT -6)   

Thanks to both of much!!

At this point it is such a struggle because he won't talk to me on the phone and has just shut us out witht he exception of his brother.  The first couple of times they spoke on the phone he was very rude and short on the phone but at least this last time, he made the effort to call here and talk with his brother and was nice to him.  He does have a job down with his dad and seems to  be happy about that..

My middle son is so much more open and struggled with some depression in the past and we were able to get him help and back on track..he is pretty open emotionally and easy to talk to, and before his brother left, he told him how much he was going to miss him etc and my oldest just told him to stop being so whiney and emotional sad

I don't blame him for being the way he is, he has a lot of anger and I don't know how to help him..I know some teenagers just have more of a struggle than others..As far as his dad goes, I think he will watch out for him okay, but he has been a bachelor for a very long time and it is going to be an adjustment for him to have a teen with him, plus they have never been close.  I have tried to explain to him that our son struggles socially and somewhat academically but he doesn't seem to understand what he is in for..There are no rules there and my son can do pretty much whatever he would like to do, which is part of the appeal.

I worry about how he will do in school, will he make friends, grades, classes, he will be a sophomore, and here he went to a non-traditional school and has since elementary school, down there they don't have such a school.  His dad is going to let him get his license and I don't think he is emotionally ready..I think he is too impulsive and quick to anger. I have lost a lot of sleep lately!


Thank you so much for your support,I really appreciate it! It is so nice to hear from another mom, especially from one who has raised 5!!! bless you!! And Eric, you sound awesome..thank you!

Regular Member

Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 106
   Posted 7/2/2008 12:18 PM (GMT -6)   
My heart goes out to you honey. I've raised two children myself. I just wanted to throw this out there and please try not to be upset with me. Where your son has kind of gone from one extreme to another, do you think he's drinking or doing drugs? I've seen this happen to the neighbor kids. In fact, your son sounds just like the youngest daughter. She was so smart. She was the kind of kid who came home everyday and did her school work and studied really hard. She was a really good girl. Then, all of a sudden, almost overnight, she completely went the other direction. She changed her friends, school went down the tubes, and I cannot even begin to tell you how bad her attitude about everything was. Now she drinks, does drugs, and fights (physically) with others, not to mention she also has a baby and another on the way.

Please, if you ever need to vent, we are all soooo here for you. We all really try to help each other. I can't tell enough how supportive this forum has been to me. Good luck to you sweetheart, and please keep posting.
Diagnosed with chronic fatigue syndrome, Epstein-Barr virus, and severe depression. Have been on Prozac, cylexa, Effexor, and Wellbutrin. Currently, I'm dealing with my own issues, as well as a husband in a rehab, who also is being diagnosed with depression.

Veteran Member

Date Joined Nov 2006
Total Posts : 1331
   Posted 7/2/2008 4:14 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi Bionca,
No offense taken at all! My husband and I both suspected he had used something at least on a few occasions, but we couldn't prove it.  The kids he started hanging around with were known to use drugs, My middle son was afraid of his brothers friends....I picked the kids up everyday from school and a few times he was off if you know what I mean?? I know he skipped school several times too sad   On the last day of school, we went to pick him up and he wasn't there, he had skiipped the afternoon, and showed up at my daughters school who is in elementary school. His eyes had a strange look to them, so I don't know where he had been or what he was doing. So he would do stupid things but never enough to really get into trouble such as running away etc. He knew he had better be at her school by 3:30.  I tried to tell his father these things and in one ear and out the other eyes There were times when my son would be really happy and then by dinner time, angry at all of us, so yes I would say that was part of it.  I tried talking to him about this and he called his dad and "told" on me that I was accusing him of doing drugs.
I"m so sorry to hear about your little girl sad As a mom it's heartwrenching when they end up in a bad situation..and you just can't seem to stop it from snowballing.  I appreciate hearing from other moms! Thank you so much for sharing with me, it means a lot.
Hugs to you!!
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