So I'm really, really confused now

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LostNLooking
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2008
Total Posts : 22
   Posted 7/12/2008 9:28 PM (GMT -7)   
The last time I posted on these boards, my ex and I had just broken up. I was going through a really, really rough patch because the rest of my life just walked out the door.

Now, it's been about 3 months since our break up. I still think about her all the time, but not in a longing way. Now, I think about her in a way that makes me very angry. I keep thinking about her and the possibility of her being with someone else.

Granted, since we've broken up, I've been given 2 numbers and kissed a girl, but nothing went anywhere. And my ex is the type of person that will take any attention she can get to ignore her pain.

For the last few days, I've been feeling very, very confused. I've realized that at this stage, I'm finding a level of "normal" without her, and that scares me. What scares me more though, is her finding a level of "normal" without me.

I'm really confused about this feeling because I've been in NC for almost a month, and I've been learning a lot about me. I've gone out a few times, picked up a few hobbies, hung out with friends a lot.. and I still don't feel "right". My life feels completely wrong without having someone around.

Whats worse is that I don't feel empowered by being single. I don't feel comfortable in my skin. I don't feel like my life has gone in any positive direction since my break up. But I don't want to be with my ex. She doesn't deserve me after the BS she put me through.

I guess the reason for this post is: I'd like to know if it's normal to feel confused about my life. I don't feel normal, even though I'm falling into a normal routine.

jordaNZone
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 752
   Posted 7/13/2008 12:18 AM (GMT -7)   

Hi Staveandor - I think you are doing really well...gosh you have taken huge steps forward..it does take time to adjust and feeling 'lost' is completely normal...it's just another part of grieving for what was - just like your feelings of anger and jealousy eyes ..they will pass I promise...letting go and acceptance are the next steps in the process. If you find all of this too hard - you may wish to consider counselling of some sort - learning new skills to cope makes life so much easier :-) Keep up the good work and keep talking to us.

Sista J.


 
 
 
 
 


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 7/13/2008 6:45 AM (GMT -7)   

I agree with Sister J, you are going through a grieving process and it will take time.  Right now you are feeling anger and as long as it is controlled anger it is normal.  Your angry at her for leaving you and now you are alone and not sure what to do.

It takes time to go through the process of losing someone for whatever reason.  Please know your ok and stay in the moments.

You are pretty normal so let the feelings come and then let them go and keep working on you. Your doing ok.

Take care.
Kitt


 

Kitt, Moderator: Anxiety, Panic & Depression 
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getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40595
   Posted 7/13/2008 7:50 AM (GMT -7)   
It is obvious that you still care about her, otherwise you wouldn't have any feelings or memories. Your anger sounds like jealousy. That is normal too. But keep trying to move forward and like was said above, try to stay in the moment instead of thinking about what is going on with her.

It sounds like some counseling would help you with direction, I am glad that you are finding other things to do. Just don't dwell on your ex. That isn't healthy. Try to put those thoughts out of your head if you can. Thinking about her is normal, but dwelling isn't.

Keep moving forward, continue to do the things that you are doing. Maybe call one of those numbers, you would be suprised at the good times that you could have with another person.

Keep up the good work
hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


LostNLooking
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2008
Total Posts : 22
   Posted 7/13/2008 9:18 AM (GMT -7)   
Thank you all for replying.
 
I've just been doing what I can do "just be" for the last few weeks, and everything I do seems like a grand failure.
 
I even got in a fight with my friend last night over what had really happened with the girl that I kissed a few weeks ago. It was not good, and made me feel like a jerk for doing it and a loser for even having expressed myself.
 
I guess I'm just feeling stuck in a well that keeps dragging me down. The more I fight the current, the stronger it gets; as if the "grand scheme of things" is meant to just make sure that I don't get out of my rut.
 
I'm also feeling very envious and jealous of the positive relationships everyone around me is having. That same friend I fought with is having a child in a month. My best friend is engaged as of last week. My other best friend has had a decent relationship for coming up on 2 years, and I think he's getting ready to propose. I don't have any single friends.
 
The 2 numbers I got were duds. One I think was a fake number, as I never heard back from her. The other was to the girl that I kissed and I deleted her number last night as I don't feel like I can talk to her anymore.
 
For as normal as you're all saying these feelings are, I don't feel normal in any way.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40595
   Posted 7/13/2008 9:35 AM (GMT -7)   
One thing that you shouldn't do is compare your lives to others. There will always be people happier and sadder than you. Try, try to live in the moment of things. In the now as they say. Look at what you have accomplished in life. I am sure that you will find good things.

You sound so smart and compassionate. You have a lot to live for. Just remember that.

Good luck,
hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


LostNLooking
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2008
Total Posts : 22
   Posted 7/13/2008 1:53 PM (GMT -7)   
I've been thinking about my lot in life for the same past few weeks, and I really feel like I'm not supposed to be here.

There is almost nothing positive going for me right now. I work, but I hate my job and no one is hiring due to the poor economy. All of my friends are burnt out of seeing me and hanging out with me, and I can't stand being alone. I have no real motivation other than the seemingly false hope everyone's been giving me. It almost feels like the classic carrot on a string. I'm trudging along, and someone is holding what I want just out of my grasp, but no matter how hard I try to get it, I never can.

Looking around me, at every aspect of my life, I find nothing that makes me happy. I saw a therapist and all she did was tell me to get a psych eval. I talk to my friends and they tell me to shut up and not be negative. I talk to my parents and they just tell me I'm an idiot for being sad ever.

Nothing about...being... seems right anymore. I've been searching very hard for some reason to want to exist; some reason I'm on this planet at this time. I've come up blank. I always felt there was something just guiding me before my relationship. I honestly and truly felt like my goal in life was to help my ex out of her rut so she can be happy in the future. Since I failed that miserably, I've searched and I no longer feel anything guiding me. Like I'm just cast into this world now to flounder on my own. Possibly someone is meant to come find me and try to help me, but I don't see that happening due to stereotyping. I'm a man, and I'm 21, so I should be ultra-confident and on a quest for sex, so no one is going to take me seriously or give me a second thought.

I don't know why I feel this way, I just do. If my life were to end today, I'd be OK with that. I doubt I'd even try to save/help myself.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40595
   Posted 7/13/2008 2:28 PM (GMT -7)   
Hey Stave,

What makes you think that that is the definition of a man. Ultra-confident and on a quest for sex. That sounds like an invitation to an std to me. I hope that you are being careful.

You are getting too deep in your mind my friend. Take life one day at a time, one moment at a time. Be in the now. Not thinking about what happened when. That is in the past. If I worried about things like you seem to be, I would be totally overwhelmed. And I use to be. You cannot enjoy life living this way. It is utterly impossible. Take my advice my friend, slow your mind down. If you can't do it through meditation or just living in the now, talk to your doctor about medication. I take it for obsessive thinking and it really helps. I am a lot happier.

Best wishes and keep posting,
Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


CRANKY 1
Veteran Member


Date Joined Aug 2005
Total Posts : 616
   Posted 7/13/2008 4:30 PM (GMT -7)   

Hey Stave,

I've been where you are, my friend, and unfortunately, I just takes time to put things in perspective.  I have only been in two major relationships in my life, one with a ex-finance', and one with my ex-husband.  Both lasted about eight years, and I didn't really see anyone in between.  My ex-fiance' dumped me completely out of the blue, never ever having a single fight.  I still, to this day, don't get it.  I divorced my ex-husband, who turned out to be autistic(Aspberger's Syndrome), because l just couldn't live with someone who's brain and emotions were so abnormal.  He lived in his own little bubble, and started cheating on me because I started to lose some weight...go figure.  Anyway, for a very long time, I wondered about plotting little vengence activities, since I seem to be the only person wounded by the break-ups.  I never did anything, and I finally realized I didn't have a leg to stand on anyway.

Realizing that someone you care for is done with you isn't any fun, and it takes a while for that feeling to stop ruling your life.  I was kind of "stuck on stupid" for several years, but what brought me out of my funk was joining a social organization that also does charity work.  For me, it was a Parrot Head Club.  People who love all things Jimmy Buffett and tropical living.  Although we live in Virginia, it's all about a state of mind.  We "party with a purpose", and there's nothing like having a good time after doing something good for someone else's benefit.  It has worked wonders for me, and my new friends are a wide range of ages and marital statuses, from single, to divorced (like me), married or remarried.  Our age range is from mid-thirties(some with little kids) to the seventies(some of us have roped in a parent or two).

My best friend from childhood is back in my life.  He and I were attached at the hip, from 0 to 12, but then became estranged when a new guy came to town.  I spent probably 25 years and lots of hours of therapy mourning the loss of my friend, who was like my twin brother.  One day, after moving back to my hometown(post divorce), I called him up and we worked things out.  He knows me better than any person ever could, and now we have a low-key, occasional dating-type relationship.  We will never be a couple in any sense of public knowledge, just too many people would be weirded out.  But what we have is better than I could have hoped for.  He holds a big piece of real estate in my heart that could never be filled by anyone else.  There is room for someone else, and if I find him some day, that will be great.  But for now, I'm content with what I have, and although I sometimes worry that I may spend the rest of my life alone, what I have now is just fine for the time being.  I could drive myself insane with "what if's", but it's a waste of time.  We never know how much time we have left, so taking it day by day is the only way you won't drive yourself crazy.

Hang in there, and if you ever want to converse privately, feel free to hit my email icon under my board name.

Best wishes,

Leigh Ann cool


Basic info:
  • On Disability for: Chronic Migraines, serious Back and Knee problems (will need surgery eventually), moderate Depression, Anxiety/Panic disorder, TMJ 
  • Divorced, 43, no children
  • Surgeries: Gastric Bypass, Gallbladder Removed (followed by a week in the hospital for a Blood Clot), Impacted Kidney Stone Removed, Broken Ankle, Major Dental work(four molars pulled, multiple cavities, root canals) 
  • Current Meds: Prozac, Klonopin, Atenelol, Stadol Nasal Spray, Lortab, Trazadone, Buspar, Nexium, Tramadol, Phenergan, PROHIBITED FROM ALL NSAIDS
  • Current Problem: Internal Bleeding, possible ulcer in location of Gastric Bypass
 
"The weather is here, I wish you were beautiful."
                                             - Jimmy Buffett
 
 


LostNLooking
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2008
Total Posts : 22
   Posted 7/13/2008 6:13 PM (GMT -7)   
getting by - The reason I feel like "Being confident and on a quest for sex" is how I'm supposed to feel is because how everyone in my life, but me, defines it. My dad literally tells me I'm an idiot for being sad, and I should be seeing at least 7 girls - one for each day of the week. I should also have back ups, if possible. And I should do anything I can to be with them in any sense of the word that I want. My mom doesn't exactly support this, but she doesn't tell me anything different.

All of my friends tell me that I'm an idiot for even thinking of my ex, because she hurt me really, really badly. She took advantage of me and my trust in every sense of the word, and I suspect she even cheated on me. Yet I stayed with her for 2 years, and begged her to take me back when she left. All of my friends tell me that I just can be happy if I decide to be. It's not quite that easy, else I wouldn't be depressed.

I have never actually been happy. I was seemingly happier while with my ex, but that was because I blocked out all of my problems and hid inside my relationship. I just know that compared to how I feel now, about myself and everything else including the here and now, I was happier being miserable with someone around.

CRANKY 1 - Thank you for your input. I personally don't believe in one night stands or flings. I don't even know if I'm capable of something of the sort. I enjoy commitment and that may be part of my problem.

Obviously, being so young, I am very inexperienced. I'm living each day as it comes, but I don't know how to not think about the future. At 21, all I ever hear about is the future. Weddings, children, college and careers, vacations, moving even. And I do feel overwhelmed at the prospect of 'tomorrow'.

I don't have the money to go to school, though I'd love to get an education. The only problem is that while I think I'd like to do something with computers, it doesn't seem like I'd ultimately be satisfied doing that line of work. I can't really decide what would make me happy in a career.

I have recently decided to write a book. I've always wanted to, and actually put it off because I got back with my ex. As we got more comfortable (and I decided I was going to propose), I told myself that it could wait until after we were at least engaged, and I wouldn't have to worry about certain things anymore, such as finding a partner or my true center of happiness. In light of this, the very idea of completing a book makes me very excited. I just have no idea how to approach it at the moment, so it's a daunting task.

This post is more of a giant vent. I just woke up after getting so angry I decided to try to sleep it off. I don't feel much better, but I feel some level of remorse for wanting to end my life. On a lot of levels, I just don't feel like I have anything to live for, other than the idea that my family loves me and I *might* find someone someday. These things are just barely enough to have stopped me before, but who knows anymore. I'm drowning in so much pain and sorrow and I have no way how to shed this skin and move on, and really truly find solace.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40595
   Posted 7/13/2008 6:52 PM (GMT -7)   
Well Stave,

Everybody is an individual. And your families concept of being a man isn't true for everybody. So you define who you are just by being you. And it sounds like that is a special person. So don't let other's opinions define your life. That is of your chosing.

Try not to worry about the future so much. Yes you can make tentative plans, but that is all they are is tentative. You could change your mind a hundred times before you decide what you want to do. And that is defined by what you do from day to day and who you are each day. What I mean is we become who we are by living.

Worrying about having a family is something that you should do after you are more financially secure. You want to be able to support that future family.

And you can't let others control your emotions. and if they do, you can't hold them responsible for them. Those come from inside yourself. You own them, they are yours, just like you can't say somebody makes you happy. That is yours and yours alone. You allowed yourself to be happy.

I think taht your dad doesn't want to see you living in the past and moping about your ex. It sounds that way to me. He feels that you should be out dating and meeting different girls to see what it is that you are going to want in the future.

When my husband died of cancer I thought I would never get married again. Here I am eight years later married to a wonderful man. He treats me so good. I never imagined that anybody would be so kind to me. In fact I didn't realize that I even deserved it. But now I see that I do. AT first it was hard for me to get use to somebody being good to me. That is how messed up I was.

Things change everyday in life whether we like it or recognise it. You are young and have so much living to do. I suggest you start realizing that and enjoy what life has to offer. And it is there, all you have to do is see it.

Good luck to you,
Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


CRANKY 1
Veteran Member


Date Joined Aug 2005
Total Posts : 616
   Posted 7/13/2008 7:41 PM (GMT -7)   

Hey Stave,

Wow, I didn't realize that you are quite as young as you are...heck, I'm 43 and I think I still have some shoes that are older than you...LOL!!!  I wasn't advocating any "one night stands" or "casual flings", as those are quite empty and don't help anyone emotionally.  The girl for every day of the week, plus backups, is a load of horse-hockey if you ask me.  People that can say things like that are quite cavalier in attitude, and clearly don't get the depth of your sensitive nature.  I'm impressed that someone of your youth realizes that advice like that is pretty hollow.  Yes, you are young, but you have your whole life ahead of you.  As I am older, at least chronicallogically so, I've had time to live a lot more and have more experience, but that, by no means, makes me any kind of expert.  My relationship with my BFF is right for me at this stage in life, but since our lives are on two very different paths, I just cherish the closeness we feel, as that is a constant in our lives.  Heck, I even have his name tattooed on my wrist, just as he owns a patch of territory in my heart that will always belong to him, even if I were to meet a new partner in life tomorrow.  It's not like it's the name of some "ex", that I would feel embarrassed about if I'm with someone new. 

I just can identify with how you feel.  When I was in college, I struggled between learning something that I could use to support myself if I stayed single, versus studying something that I loved or made me happy.  I wasn't much of a dater in high school, so I struggled with the idea that I might not ever find a husband that I could share the cost of living with, thus, I was pretty conflicted.  This caused me to change majors six times, and I never did complete my degree.  Years later, after taking time off to work for a while, I went back to a trade school to be a computer technician.  I actually met my ex-husband there, but in hindsight, I should have spent more time on my studies and less getting to know him. 

I worked fulltime as a nanny for my goddaughter and her older siblings while I was in school.  I had spent the previous several years as a traveling baby photographer and district manager.  I got a lot of experience with child-raising, but I never ended up with any children of my own.  All I ever really wanted was to have a family of my own, but it was never the right time to bring a child into the world.  Being spawn-free is one of my biggest regrets in life, but ever since my divorce, I recognized that it just wasn't in the cards for me.  But who knows, maybe I still might meet someone that already has kids, I'm just not counting on it at this point.  YOU, on the other hand, have all the time in the world to find a partner, get married, and raise a family. Take comfort that you are so young.  One thing I've learned over the years is that when you aren't looking for something or someone, that's when opportunity tends to knock.  Comparing yourself to the friends you have is easy to do, but remember, chances are about 50% that they will be back in your position, sometime in the future.  They may seem smug about how well things are going for them now, but statistic show that half of them are doomed to fail at least once.  The longer it takes to find "Mrs. Right", the more time and experience you will have on your side.  Ms. Right-Now is never a sure bet.

As for your planned book, it's quite a coincidence, as I've just started to write a book myself.  It's just in the beginning stages, but I can tell you that the process can be quite cathartic, regardless of what your writing is about.  I don't have my format all planned out, so I'm just writing small chunks at a time, and figure that eventually the proper structure will emerge in its own time.

To sum it all up, you have a good head on your shoulders, and the emotional capability of having a good, stable relationship when the right person shows up.  Take all the time you need, and remind yourself that Rome wasn't built in a day, and that you have all the time in the world to get things right.  You have ever right to mourn the loss of your relationship, and take all the time you need to put things in perspective.  There are no time requirements when it comes to love, and as you go along, you will realize that what is meant to be, will be...sometimes it's just a pain in the ass waiting for your destiny to fall into place.  Heck, I'm twice your age and my life is still a work in progress. 

Sorry I got to rambling so much, I just wanted you to know that all is not lost.  Life is a journey, not a destination...(oh, geez...did I really just say that???)  I guess it's easier to say than do sometimes.
 
Please keep us updated on how you're doing.  We are always here for you.
 
Leigh Ann cool
Basic info:
  • On Disability for: Chronic Migraines, serious Back and Knee problems (will need surgery eventually), moderate Depression, Anxiety/Panic disorder, TMJ 
  • Divorced, 43, no children
  • Surgeries: Gastric Bypass, Gallbladder Removed (followed by a week in the hospital for a Blood Clot), Impacted Kidney Stone Removed, Broken Ankle, Major Dental work(four molars pulled, multiple cavities, root canals) 
  • Current Meds: Prozac, Klonopin, Atenelol, Stadol Nasal Spray, Lortab, Trazadone, Buspar, Nexium, Tramadol, Phenergan, PROHIBITED FROM ALL NSAIDS
  • Current Problem: Internal Bleeding, possible ulcer in location of Gastric Bypass
 
"The weather is here, I wish you were beautiful."
                                             - Jimmy Buffett
 
 


LostNLooking
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2008
Total Posts : 22
   Posted 7/13/2008 10:38 PM (GMT -7)   
So I just got home from the pool hall, hanging out with friends. I realized that I am completely unhappy about every aspect of my life. All of my friends were on edge around me, and didn't want to talk to me but "want me around". It was pretty awkward being in a strange new place and having my friends so on edge with me there.

They say they want me around, but I get the feeling that they really don't; they're just pitying me and trying to include me because I'm down.

I don't know what's wrong with me, but it's got me thinking. Maybe I should just get rid of my phone, delete my social page, move, and get a new job. That way I don't have to bother anyone anymore.

CRANKY 1
Veteran Member


Date Joined Aug 2005
Total Posts : 616
   Posted 7/14/2008 1:55 AM (GMT -7)   
Hey Stave,
 
Dude, you are really on the wallowing wagon.  Your friends may seem uncomfortable around you, but cut them a break.  Young adult males are not known for their empathic abilities, much less the skill of saying what you need to hear right now.  They aren't keeping you around out of pity, you're their buddy.  That doesn't change just cuz you broke up with your girl.  You feel bad and they can tell, they just don't know what to do to help you out of your funk. 
 
Your life is not over, by far.  Yeah, your life seems to suck right now, but it won't last forever.  By all means, don't dump all your connections to the outside world.  If you do, you're going to be more miserable than you are now.  Cutting everyone out of your life is just cutting your nose off to spite your face.  OK, stupid phrase, but it's true.  I can tell you, when I moved back to my hometown after my divorce, I had to start from scratch.  The only two friends I had left in town wore both pretty messed up, so the last thing I needed was to add more negativity. 
 
My answer was to get a cat.  Then I got another cat.  Then I got a third cat.  Getting three cats will not fix a broken heart, but a little unconditional love goes a long way.  I was pretty lonely for a while, and I had a lot of health problems to contend with.  You seem to have all the right stuff to put yourself back into the game.  Take your time, there's no schedule you have to keep.  Continue to go out with your friends, even if it is awkward for a while.  Relationships come and go.  Heck, maybe one of your buddies will end up in the same position at some point, and you gave give them the benefit of your experience.  The world has NOT come to an end.  You seem like a great, sensitive guy, and the right girl will come along when you aren't expecting it, and she will appreciate all you have to share.
 
Take each day at a time, and come hang out here on the board when you feel the need.
 
(((((BIG HUGS!!!)))))
 
Leigh Ann cool

Basic info:
  • On Disability for: Chronic Migraines, serious Back and Knee problems (will need surgery eventually), moderate Depression, Anxiety/Panic disorder, TMJ 
  • Divorced, 43, no children
  • Surgeries: Gastric Bypass, Gallbladder Removed (followed by a week in the hospital for a Blood Clot), Impacted Kidney Stone Removed, Broken Ankle, Major Dental work(four molars pulled, multiple cavities, root canals) 
  • Current Meds: Prozac, Klonopin, Atenelol, Stadol Nasal Spray, Lortab, Trazadone, Buspar, Nexium, Tramadol, Phenergan, PROHIBITED FROM ALL NSAIDS
  • Current Problem: Internal Bleeding, possible ulcer in location of Gastric Bypass
 
"The weather is here, I wish you were beautiful."
                                             - Jimmy Buffett
 
 


jordaNZone
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 752
   Posted 7/14/2008 2:04 AM (GMT -7)   

Stave...I really believe that you need some help with all these sad feelings you have - sometimes, as you may be aware we need meds and/or counselling to help us thru the rough patches in life - plz seek some help :-)

Sista J.


 
 
 
 
 


djdaz_1985
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2006
Total Posts : 2408
   Posted 7/14/2008 3:06 AM (GMT -7)   
I think jordaNZone is right. It sounds like you need to get some kind of professional help with this one. Moving house, deleting social pages & changing your mobile number only move the problem somewhere else... the problem still remains.
 
There are loads of forms of treatment out there... You can get loads of different types of meds, there are conventional "talking" therapies, more unconventional "alternative" therapies such as Hypnosis and Acupuncture and also there are "Herbal" meds which can help as well. But the one thing I must stress is that NONE OF THEM should be undertaken without a fully licenced health professional.
 
Darren
Everyone has a guardian angel. They help pick you up when you fall, comfort you through your times of need and help you appreciate the times when things are going well.
 
"A gold medal is a wonderful thing. But if your not enough without it, you will never be enough with it." - Irvine Blitzer (John Candy) in Cool Runnings
 
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LostNLooking
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2008
Total Posts : 22
   Posted 7/14/2008 7:10 AM (GMT -7)   
I don't think even a professional could help me right now. The only thing that can is some unexpected measure of positivity to come into my life somehow. Be it a promotion (which I've been trying for), or someone/thing special, or an old friendship, or something to that effect.
 
Last night, I had strange dreams, but fortunately my ex wasn't involved. I woke up and thought for a few seconds about my dream, then BAM! Thoughts of my ex. This happens to me daily, at 4am when I wake up, and it doesn't matter if I slept for 3 hours like last night or 12 like Friday night. I always wake up and think about my ex, completely unbidden, and that starts my day off on the wrong foot.
 
I can't really explain what a whirlwind my thoughts are at any given moment. I just feel that putting medication into my system can help suppress the pain for longer periods of time, but ultimately, wont help me cope.
 
But I'm not going to fall off the face of the Earth, or disappear. I'm just going to step back, stop posting, and try to find the right place to take my next step in life.

Confusedli
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 363
   Posted 7/14/2008 8:18 AM (GMT -7)   
Hey Staveandor,

I think what your feeling is normal, when I've split up with boyfriends before now I've had similar feelings. Confusion is normal too I guess.

I think you need to stop worrying about what is expected and stereotypes and just be yourself. If you need to feel sad for the end of your relationship, then take some time out to feel sad, or if you need to take your mind off it then get out and do different things.

Try and concentrate more on yourself and your feelings.
 
 
"The Optimist sees the rose and not its thorns; the pessimist stares at the thorns, oblivious of the rose."


djdaz_1985
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2006
Total Posts : 2408
   Posted 7/14/2008 3:04 PM (GMT -7)   

Hiya,

You would be surprised how good some professionals are with treatments. I think it is completely normal to feel like you are beyond professional help but please have a little faith. You need to bnreak the destructive cycle and starting a form of therapy is a great way to help that

Darren


Everyone has a guardian angel. They help pick you up when you fall, comfort you through your times of need and help you appreciate the times when things are going well.
 
"A gold medal is a wonderful thing. But if your not enough without it, you will never be enough with it." - Irvine Blitzer (John Candy) in Cool Runnings
 
Moderator - Epilepsy Forum
Co-Moderator - Depression Forum
 
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LostNLooking
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2008
Total Posts : 22
   Posted 7/15/2008 5:24 AM (GMT -7)   
After taking a day to calm down as much as I feel like I can, I've come to one conclusion: I'm letting her win.
 
I haven't had my ex in my life for 3 months, and I haven't seen her in almost a month. And yet I'm still very sad, and I still mope around. I still think about her every single day, and dozens of times per day. I don't long for her, I long for the idea of her; or someone to fill the gap. And when I get rejected, I take it really hard and I want to reach out to her and talk to her.
 
On my way to work this morning, I heard 2 songs that remind me of how I should really be feeling: 1) It's never enough - Five Finger Death Punch and 2) Beautiful - 10 Years.
 
If you haven't heard the songs, Song 1 is about how no matter what someone does, it's never enough for those around him/her. I very much feel that was the case with my ex; I could never do enough for her and never got anything in return. Song 2 is about how no matter how beautiful someone may think someone else is, if your personality sucks and you're just... not nice, people will eventually see that you're pitiful and not what you claim to be.
 
This morning I woke up and immediately reached for the spot my ex would have been laying in, were she in my bed. I had some really, really messed up dreams last night and I wanted a hug before I had to come to work. I'm very sad today because I've gone 3 months without one, and I feel like this was the only support system I really had to keep my spirits up sometimes - getting a hug. Now that I have nowhere to turn with some of my most mentally crippling thoughts/fears when the strike, I bottle it all up, and I have days like 7/12 where I just feel like I can't go on.
 
Today, I do feel like I can go on, but I'm just stumbling along in the dark, alone. There's no one path my feet are on, and no real direction I'm going, I'm just going because I'm still alive. Some people revel in this feeling of "freedom". I am a person that prefers structure and balance. I feel like this "freedom" is nothing at all; like there's no purpose to where I am because there's no goal in sight. And there are no goals I feel I can set for myself at this time because everything is just out of reach and unattainable for one reason or another.
 
I really appreciate the advice that's been offered to me by everyone on this board. I know you all care, even though I'm a complete stranger. And I feel like a jerk for shutting you down at every turn. I'm sorry, and thank you all for caring so much.
 
Lyrics for 10 years - Beautiful: http://www.lyricstop.com/b/beautiful-10years.html
 

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40595
   Posted 7/15/2008 5:42 AM (GMT -7)   
Good morning Stave,

I think that in time this will dissappear. It just takes time. You can't get over somebody over night. But you need to get stronger and that is what we are here for. To boost your self esteem. And it sounds llike you need a jump in that department. Keep posting and remember that we are here for you. We cannot fix your problems but we can direct you down the right paths.

Have a wonderful day,
thinking of you,
Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


LostNLooking
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2008
Total Posts : 22
   Posted 7/15/2008 5:07 PM (GMT -7)   
I'm going though a whirlwind right now, just need to vent.

I can't get my ex out of my head. She's heading to this side of town for work in an hour (if she still has her job) and I have the impulse to call her at work and try to get her to talk to me.

I have NO idea where this came from, but I want it to go away. It would be an incredibly dumb thing to call her, or even try to get in touch with her.

I guess that there's still a part of me that wants her to care what I think, care what I'm doing, care where I am and that I'm safe. And a part of me wants to check up on her, make sure she's not being dumb.

This can't be healthy. I don't love her, but I still care about her. And since I know her so well, I know she's gone down 1 of 2 paths since we broke up. 1) I'm afraid of this one because this is her clinging to any guy that gives her attention. She will do whatever it takes (literally) to feel loved. This was the person I met 2.5 years ago. 2) She had re-joined her church right before we broke up, and path 2 is her joining the church and re-committing to it whole-heartedly.

If path 2 has been taken, I'd be able to relax. If it's path 1... I'd feel like a complete failure as my love and adoration didn't do anything to help her change.

Then again, I realize that she didn't do much to help me change either. I've had to learn things AFTER our break up, and it's entirely feasible that she's doing the same.

AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH get out of my head!!

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40595
   Posted 7/15/2008 6:26 PM (GMT -7)   
Hey Stave,

Me again...

she can't change you and you can't change her. It comes from within yourself. I hope that she did go with path 2. But what can you do if she didn't? You can't protect her all of her life.

If you want to call her, do so. But will that be sufice to you? Or will it bring back all of those old feelings. Or maybe you do love her after all. But what if she is with somebody else now? Is that going to hurt you?

Have you ever thought that if it is meant to be, you will run into eachother somewhere when you least expect it? That is how life goes you know. When you very least expect it, something or somebody will cross your path and then life goes on. Well, it goes on anyway but you know what I mean.

Only you can make this decision. And you will live with the consequences of what you decide. But I thought I would throw some for instances out there for you to think about.

I hope that this works out for you Stave. And I hope that you are happy with whatever happens.

Best wishes,
Karen...
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


CRANKY 1
Veteran Member


Date Joined Aug 2005
Total Posts : 616
   Posted 7/15/2008 7:39 PM (GMT -7)   

Hey Stave,

Your posts today sound so much better and I'm so glad.  It sounds like you are still spending time missing a "significant other", but you seem to be processing things a bit better now.  You are gaining some perspective about the situation, and I'm so proud of you.  Yeah, I'm a stranger, but I hope you think of the board members here as a new support system.  We may not know you personally, but when you share your thought and feelings with us, we do feel like we are getting to know a new friend.  We are from all over the planet, so someone is usually here 24/7. 

What route your ex takes is her own deal.  You can hope she does the smart thing, but spending any more of you time stewing over it just stiffles your own progress.  I totally get the dream problem you mentioned earlier.  I still get crazy nightmares about my ex's, because at the root of my frustration with both of them, is that I had absolutely no control over either breakup.  Ultimately, I was not a "partner" in either relationship, much to my horror.  Both guys held all the power, and when they left the relationships emotionally, I had absolutely no leverage in determining my fate.  I'm sure you can agree, that's a pretty lousy feeling to realize, especially after the fact. 

When I get my nightmares, they usually revolve around me trying to have some level of control, but I have none, and I wake up pretty pissed off.  Not a great way to start the day by any means.  Where your mind takes you when you are asleep is controlled by your subconscious, and you just have to remember that you can't control where your brain runs off to at night.  Heck, I still have nightmares about my former career as a traveling baby photographer/district manager, which I quit in May of 1994.  That's fourteen years ago and I still have nightmares about having to get to a studio two hours away, that already has a huge line of screaming, waiting customers, cuz my photographer disappeared. 

It was a nightmare in real life, and it still comes back to haunt me in my sleep.  I'm hoping that writing the book I mentioned before will get all those nightmares out of my system.  I'm sure that you won't have nightmares about your ex for anywhere close to fourteen years.  You weren't together for that long, not that (by any means) negates the depth of your feelings for had for your ex, but it does limit the number of significant memories you have for your subconscious to hang on to.  When you feel like it, I would love to hear more about the book you want to write.  It would be great to bounce ideas back and forth with you. 

Anyway, I just want to say again how great it is to hear that you are really processing things better and that you can see that you do have a future to live.

Please continue to let us know how you're doing.  Supporting others helps us too.

Leigh Ann cool


Basic info:
  • On Disability for: Chronic Migraines, serious Back and Knee problems (will need surgery eventually), moderate Depression, Anxiety/Panic disorder, TMJ 
  • Divorced, 43, no children
  • Surgeries: Gastric Bypass, Gallbladder Removed (followed by a week in the hospital for a Blood Clot), Impacted Kidney Stone Removed, Broken Ankle, Major Dental work(four molars pulled, multiple cavities, root canals) 
  • Current Meds: Prozac, Klonopin, Atenelol, Stadol Nasal Spray, Lortab, Trazadone, Buspar, Nexium, Tramadol, Phenergan, PROHIBITED FROM ALL NSAIDS
  • Current Problem: Internal Bleeding, possible ulcer in location of Gastric Bypass
 
"The weather is here, I wish you were beautiful."
                                             - Jimmy Buffett
 
 


LostNLooking
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2008
Total Posts : 22
   Posted 7/15/2008 7:55 PM (GMT -7)   
Getting by - I know that fate is well beyond my means of perception, and I have no idea what my life has in store for me. Calling her will not help anything at all; it would only drag up old feelings of anxiety and fear, and drag me back to days like 7/12. I'm not going to call her, but I still wonder how she's doing a lot. I suppose if I'm meant to know, I will at some point.

Her being with someone else is her choice. But it would destroy me emotionally if I had to confront her/see her/talk to her about it. So, in this, I choose no contact and to remain blissfully ignorant.

CRANKY 1 - Thank you for supporting me as well. As I stated ( I think) I don't miss her, I miss the connection, the comfort of having someone around that I can just... vent to.

I think I'm going to use this board as a support system/journal for the really tough moments. I can't bottle this up anymore, and just writing my feelings, getting responses, and being able to re-read them later does allow me to find a new perspective. I can see how ridiculous I was feeling at the moment, and take the time to reflect on what I need to do to make it better.


I just had a really good workout, and I physically feel really good. I'm feeling very fit, especially compared to a month ago when I started working out and never had energy. I've started making friends in my kickboxing class, and I'm not dead after class. I'm getting tone, building muscle, and even though its not much, I've gained a little confidence.
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