Hi Staveandor - I think you are doing really well...gosh you have taken huge steps forward..it does take time to adjust and feeling 'lost' is completely normal...it's just another part of grieving for what was - just like your feelings of anger and jealousy ..they will pass I promise...letting go and acceptance are the next steps in the process. If you find all of this too hard - you may wish to consider counselling of some sort - learning new skills to cope makes life so much easier Keep up the good work and keep talking to us.
I agree with Sister J, you are going through a grieving process and it will take time. Right now you are feeling anger and as long as it is controlled anger it is normal. Your angry at her for leaving you and now you are alone and not sure what to do.
It takes time to go through the process of losing someone for whatever reason. Please know your ok and stay in the moments.
You are pretty normal so let the feelings come and then let them go and keep working on you. Your doing ok.
Kitt, Moderator: Anxiety, Panic & Depression *~*
I've been where you are, my friend, and unfortunately, I just takes time to put things in perspective. I have only been in two major relationships in my life, one with a ex-finance', and one with my ex-husband. Both lasted about eight years, and I didn't really see anyone in between. My ex-fiance' dumped me completely out of the blue, never ever having a single fight. I still, to this day, don't get it. I divorced my ex-husband, who turned out to be autistic(Aspberger's Syndrome), because l just couldn't live with someone who's brain and emotions were so abnormal. He lived in his own little bubble, and started cheating on me because I started to lose some weight...go figure. Anyway, for a very long time, I wondered about plotting little vengence activities, since I seem to be the only person wounded by the break-ups. I never did anything, and I finally realized I didn't have a leg to stand on anyway.
Realizing that someone you care for is done with you isn't any fun, and it takes a while for that feeling to stop ruling your life. I was kind of "stuck on stupid" for several years, but what brought me out of my funk was joining a social organization that also does charity work. For me, it was a Parrot Head Club. People who love all things Jimmy Buffett and tropical living. Although we live in Virginia, it's all about a state of mind. We "party with a purpose", and there's nothing like having a good time after doing something good for someone else's benefit. It has worked wonders for me, and my new friends are a wide range of ages and marital statuses, from single, to divorced (like me), married or remarried. Our age range is from mid-thirties(some with little kids) to the seventies(some of us have roped in a parent or two).
My best friend from childhood is back in my life. He and I were attached at the hip, from 0 to 12, but then became estranged when a new guy came to town. I spent probably 25 years and lots of hours of therapy mourning the loss of my friend, who was like my twin brother. One day, after moving back to my hometown(post divorce), I called him up and we worked things out. He knows me better than any person ever could, and now we have a low-key, occasional dating-type relationship. We will never be a couple in any sense of public knowledge, just too many people would be weirded out. But what we have is better than I could have hoped for. He holds a big piece of real estate in my heart that could never be filled by anyone else. There is room for someone else, and if I find him some day, that will be great. But for now, I'm content with what I have, and although I sometimes worry that I may spend the rest of my life alone, what I have now is just fine for the time being. I could drive myself insane with "what if's", but it's a waste of time. We never know how much time we have left, so taking it day by day is the only way you won't drive yourself crazy.
Hang in there, and if you ever want to converse privately, feel free to hit my email icon under my board name.
Wow, I didn't realize that you are quite as young as you are...heck, I'm 43 and I think I still have some shoes that are older than you...LOL!!! I wasn't advocating any "one night stands" or "casual flings", as those are quite empty and don't help anyone emotionally. The girl for every day of the week, plus backups, is a load of horse-hockey if you ask me. People that can say things like that are quite cavalier in attitude, and clearly don't get the depth of your sensitive nature. I'm impressed that someone of your youth realizes that advice like that is pretty hollow. Yes, you are young, but you have your whole life ahead of you. As I am older, at least chronicallogically so, I've had time to live a lot more and have more experience, but that, by no means, makes me any kind of expert. My relationship with my BFF is right for me at this stage in life, but since our lives are on two very different paths, I just cherish the closeness we feel, as that is a constant in our lives. Heck, I even have his name tattooed on my wrist, just as he owns a patch of territory in my heart that will always belong to him, even if I were to meet a new partner in life tomorrow. It's not like it's the name of some "ex", that I would feel embarrassed about if I'm with someone new.
I just can identify with how you feel. When I was in college, I struggled between learning something that I could use to support myself if I stayed single, versus studying something that I loved or made me happy. I wasn't much of a dater in high school, so I struggled with the idea that I might not ever find a husband that I could share the cost of living with, thus, I was pretty conflicted. This caused me to change majors six times, and I never did complete my degree. Years later, after taking time off to work for a while, I went back to a trade school to be a computer technician. I actually met my ex-husband there, but in hindsight, I should have spent more time on my studies and less getting to know him.
I worked fulltime as a nanny for my goddaughter and her older siblings while I was in school. I had spent the previous several years as a traveling baby photographer and district manager. I got a lot of experience with child-raising, but I never ended up with any children of my own. All I ever really wanted was to have a family of my own, but it was never the right time to bring a child into the world. Being spawn-free is one of my biggest regrets in life, but ever since my divorce, I recognized that it just wasn't in the cards for me. But who knows, maybe I still might meet someone that already has kids, I'm just not counting on it at this point. YOU, on the other hand, have all the time in the world to find a partner, get married, and raise a family. Take comfort that you are so young. One thing I've learned over the years is that when you aren't looking for something or someone, that's when opportunity tends to knock. Comparing yourself to the friends you have is easy to do, but remember, chances are about 50% that they will be back in your position, sometime in the future. They may seem smug about how well things are going for them now, but statistic show that half of them are doomed to fail at least once. The longer it takes to find "Mrs. Right", the more time and experience you will have on your side. Ms. Right-Now is never a sure bet.
As for your planned book, it's quite a coincidence, as I've just started to write a book myself. It's just in the beginning stages, but I can tell you that the process can be quite cathartic, regardless of what your writing is about. I don't have my format all planned out, so I'm just writing small chunks at a time, and figure that eventually the proper structure will emerge in its own time.
To sum it all up, you have a good head on your shoulders, and the emotional capability of having a good, stable relationship when the right person shows up. Take all the time you need, and remind yourself that Rome wasn't built in a day, and that you have all the time in the world to get things right. You have ever right to mourn the loss of your relationship, and take all the time you need to put things in perspective. There are no time requirements when it comes to love, and as you go along, you will realize that what is meant to be, will be...sometimes it's just a pain in the ass waiting for your destiny to fall into place. Heck, I'm twice your age and my life is still a work in progress.
Stave...I really believe that you need some help with all these sad feelings you have - sometimes, as you may be aware we need meds and/or counselling to help us thru the rough patches in life - plz seek some help
You would be surprised how good some professionals are with treatments. I think it is completely normal to feel like you are beyond professional help but please have a little faith. You need to bnreak the destructive cycle and starting a form of therapy is a great way to help that
Your posts today sound so much better and I'm so glad. It sounds like you are still spending time missing a "significant other", but you seem to be processing things a bit better now. You are gaining some perspective about the situation, and I'm so proud of you. Yeah, I'm a stranger, but I hope you think of the board members here as a new support system. We may not know you personally, but when you share your thought and feelings with us, we do feel like we are getting to know a new friend. We are from all over the planet, so someone is usually here 24/7.
What route your ex takes is her own deal. You can hope she does the smart thing, but spending any more of you time stewing over it just stiffles your own progress. I totally get the dream problem you mentioned earlier. I still get crazy nightmares about my ex's, because at the root of my frustration with both of them, is that I had absolutely no control over either breakup. Ultimately, I was not a "partner" in either relationship, much to my horror. Both guys held all the power, and when they left the relationships emotionally, I had absolutely no leverage in determining my fate. I'm sure you can agree, that's a pretty lousy feeling to realize, especially after the fact.
When I get my nightmares, they usually revolve around me trying to have some level of control, but I have none, and I wake up pretty pissed off. Not a great way to start the day by any means. Where your mind takes you when you are asleep is controlled by your subconscious, and you just have to remember that you can't control where your brain runs off to at night. Heck, I still have nightmares about my former career as a traveling baby photographer/district manager, which I quit in May of 1994. That's fourteen years ago and I still have nightmares about having to get to a studio two hours away, that already has a huge line of screaming, waiting customers, cuz my photographer disappeared.
It was a nightmare in real life, and it still comes back to haunt me in my sleep. I'm hoping that writing the book I mentioned before will get all those nightmares out of my system. I'm sure that you won't have nightmares about your ex for anywhere close to fourteen years. You weren't together for that long, not that (by any means) negates the depth of your feelings for had for your ex, but it does limit the number of significant memories you have for your subconscious to hang on to. When you feel like it, I would love to hear more about the book you want to write. It would be great to bounce ideas back and forth with you.
Anyway, I just want to say again how great it is to hear that you are really processing things better and that you can see that you do have a future to live.
Please continue to let us know how you're doing. Supporting others helps us too.