Im Distant...sigh

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TeNNiSd0C09
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Date Joined Jul 2007
Total Posts : 1303
   Posted 7/16/2008 8:14 PM (GMT -7)   
Ok, so I have been thinking alot. I have so much that I could write about, but its always the same stuff and I figure nothing can be done so..I figured I would vent/ask for some thoughts about being distant.
 
I am a quiet person. I wasnt when I was little, but over time I have gotten quiet. I have always been pretty shy. But, I notice, for example, today I volunteered. There were 7 of us. They basically broke into 2's and I was the odd one out..They sat around me talking to whomever, and I just sat there. I suppose I could have joined in, but I felt no need to. Yet, I felt very loney at the same time. I just sat there wondering why I wasnt involved. I just never say anything unless I have to. Its like I dont talk without a reason, which is good at times, but its leaves me feeling left out. Its like I make myself distant. They talk, I may listen then listen to the others, or I may think about something else. It just seems like they are deeply involved in there conversation why I sit there all quiet dreaming or whatever. eyes
 
But, for a while now I have been distant from people, not talking unless I had too. I tried talking and did several times, but it didnt last, each time I ended up sitting quietly again wondering why I felt the way I did. I just cant figure out why I dont have a need to say anything, yet I feel left out because I dont. I feel like I want to participate and be out there more, but my lack of "jumping in" is holding me back... Maybe its because I am always thinking about so much...I dont know. I just always find myself sitting there being quiet not saying anything. It just really bothers me, but Im never sure what to say so... confused
 
I think I still have alot on my mind. I always do... I've tried to quit thinking about so much, but I just havent been able to. I just hate not being involved more.
 
Well, anyways, thanks for letting me vent. Some of you have probably had this before, and I have tried to do more, I just cant seem to be able to so... I have attempted mulitple things, so Im starting to wonder if its something more... sad

"Healing is an energy phenomenon. Hope is another word for Healing.
"Cracks in the concrete are just reminders that you fall apart no matter how strong you are"
"Sometimes it is best to forget what you feel and remember what you deserve"
"Im going to smile like nothing is wrong, talk like everything is perfect, act like its all a dream, and pretend its not hurting me."


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40603
   Posted 7/16/2008 9:57 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Christi,

Actually I am that way too. But I have gotten better over time. I get that way on the phone too. I am so desperately trying to come up with something to say and all there is is that awkward silence. It is hard at times.

If it is really important to you to be able to join in, start by trying to break the ice. Think of things that you can us for a topic. Mine is usually the weather or something like that. The more you talk, the more you will relax and before you know it you wont have that fear anymore.

Then again, you might just be a quiet person, like I usually am.LOL... You wouldn't know it sometimes. ANd there is nothing wrong with that either. Everybody is different, you might just become the quiet one in the bunch, but I know that you will still be a part of the group.

You have yet to master that trick of being in the now. Just try to keep focused on the people around you. I found complimenting people is a good way to start a conversation, plus it makes them feel good. Then they are more apt to come up with something to talk about. Then you just stay in the conversation. Being in the now, the present. It also keeps anxiety down. Keeps you from all that over obsessive thinking patterns....So... Try to stay in the moment Christi. There is always time to think about other things. That is when the time comes for that. In the moment..........

But also like I said, there is nothing wrong with being quiet. That might just be the type of person that you are. It is okay... Not everybody can be yacky and perky. I am certainly not. But I don't want to be either. I think that I converse enough with people. ANd we are all individuals here. So it takes all kinds to make this world go around.

You will grow into just the type of individual that you want to be, so , no worries....

Have fun in life

hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


Confusedli
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 363
   Posted 7/17/2008 2:39 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Tennis,

You made me smile when you said - "I've tried to quit thinking about so much, but I just havent been able to" as thats something I've said so so many times. I am always thinking too much, I overthink everything. My mind is constantly full and I find it really hard to switch off and be in the here and now! This makes me feel distanced from people at times.

Sometimes I can be out for dinner with friends and I'll feel so lonely! Just because I can't really connect with them. and I think in away its because I'm not really fully there - my mind is somewhere else! I think sometimes it's worth making the effort to connect with people, as then you'll feel more involved.
 
 
"The Optimist sees the rose and not its thorns; the pessimist stares at the thorns, oblivious of the rose."


TeNNiSd0C09
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2007
Total Posts : 1303
   Posted 7/17/2008 7:36 AM (GMT -7)   
I agree with everything you just said confused! lol I do the same thing. Karen, you will be so proud(!), I have been going out alot more, being with friends, going to the mall, etc...and I can be with them and feel so alone still. I can talk to them and feel totally ok, but the second I get quiet I lose the connection with them and my mind picks up on something and I start thinking about some other thing(s). I was trying to stay with it yesterday, but I have a hard time saying things, I guess I have a huge fear of saying the wrong thing to someone... but, I would listen to all of them and sometimes I would break in and tell my story or something else, but then it was like they went on and my time was up..and I was started wondering on...

Karen, I have become that quiet person. I never was before. I liked it better before. I was never a loud person or over-talked, but at least I talked! People are always asking me why Im not saying anything, I just say because I have nothing important TOO say! I like never say anything unless I feel its important... Sometimes I can be very random, I can be thinking of something way off-topic to what the others are talking about and I will almost make myself laugh and say something out loud...then they all laugh...so I tend to be that random person.

I guess it bothers me more that I have such a hard time focusing. There is one thing that worries me most, and please dont freak out or get worried. I have been a good driver! But, sometimes when I drive my mind is wondering and the whole time its like I keep smacking my brain to get it to focus on driving. I dont take my eyes off the road, but sometimes I have these thoughts that somethings going to happen. Im going to wreck or something. One day it was really bad.

I had to drive my dad somewhere, but I didnt feel like it really, but I went. My mind kept flashing with images of things. I felt like I really wasnt there, but I had to be because I was driving. I felt like things would go blurry when my mind flashed. My head felt really weird. I almost told him to drive back home, but I didnt want to explain why. It was ok, ya know. But, I just sometimes get the thoughts of actually wanting to wreck.

I wish there was a switch I could turn. Or something to help me focus, or not to worry.... sigh...thanks for the posts.. I just really needed to vent.

"Healing is an energy phenomenon. Hope is another word for Healing.
"Cracks in the concrete are just reminders that you fall apart no matter how strong you are"
"Sometimes it is best to forget what you feel and remember what you deserve"
"Im going to smile like nothing is wrong, talk like everything is perfect, act like its all a dream, and pretend its not hurting me."


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40603
   Posted 7/17/2008 9:55 AM (GMT -7)   
Christi,

I don't think you really want to wreck, you are just worrying about it, but keep trying to focus, you wont wreck. You need to be in the moment when you are driving, though I find myself doing the same thing when I am in heavy traffic. You will be just fine, I know that I have said that before, but all worked out for you, didn't it?

Maybe you need more structure again. How soon before you go back to school? You will be a lot better when your mind is busy.

I am so proud of you, getting out with your friends is good for you. You work and study so hard all of the time. You need that break now and then. You have come such a long way Christi and we all know that it is from some very hard work. You will succeed in this, I just know it. Even though you feel yourself 'spacing' with your friends, you are still making progress. And I am really really proud of you. As always...

Just keep trying Christi, things will work out for you. You are a very deep person, as am I. It just takes a little longer for us.

Have a wonderful day,
Thinking of you,
Luv and hugs, Karen...
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


enWayen
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 585
   Posted 7/17/2008 11:13 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Christi,

I was struck by what you wrote, since I experience the exact same thing. I used to be a pretty happy person, who what absolutely no trouble with socializing. Well, that changed a lot. It is so hard to try to follow and be actively involved in a conversation, only to find your mind wondering off, again. And the enormous effort you have to make to even start a conversation, or in my case, get out of my room to see others.

But in the end I learned that is just who I am. I always felt bad because being on my own made me feel so much better than being around others. I always blamed myself for that, and blame makes it even worse.

Some of us just are that way, and there ain't nothing wrong with that. What I do to stop the loneliness when I am with others, is just to focus on something like my breathing, and stop the thinking. Because I feel bad and lonely not because I hate being on my own, but because I think others will think bad of me for that. But the fact is, most of them don't think bad of you when you are not actively involved in conversations. So it's better not to feel bad because of something that rarely is that way. I hope that you are still following me :).

But I don't know how this is with you, but once someone start on music, or sports, I will join in at once and keep talking for like forever. I just need something to say, as you mentioned before.

But Christi, I really want to say this one more time, please don't feel bad of who you are. It is so easy to blame yourself for your sometimes imaginary "lacks".

All the best!
Erik
Acceptance is the key

Existential depression and Insecurity

Try to keep smiling! :)


TeNNiSd0C09
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2007
Total Posts : 1303
   Posted 7/17/2008 11:48 AM (GMT -7)   
Erik, you have no idea how that takes on an extra meaning in my case... not feeling bad or guilty for "who I am."

Thats really all I can say right now.

"Healing is an energy phenomenon. Hope is another word for Healing.
"Cracks in the concrete are just reminders that you fall apart no matter how strong you are"
"Sometimes it is best to forget what you feel and remember what you deserve"
"Im going to smile like nothing is wrong, talk like everything is perfect, act like its all a dream, and pretend its not hurting me."


enWayen
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 585
   Posted 7/17/2008 1:59 PM (GMT -7)   
Heej Christi,

I understand, and I apologise if I hurt you in any way.
Sorry
Acceptance is the key

Existential depression and Insecurity

Try to keep smiling! :)


bookworm21
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 1766
   Posted 7/17/2008 8:53 PM (GMT -7)   
Christi,
I know what you mean! Except I've been like that my entire life. A lot of times I just don't have things to add to conversations, and then I just sit there and listen for a while, and then sometimes I just drift off in my own world and then when someone actually talks to me, I seem spacey or daydream-y. (wow, that was a run-on sentence!) Even when I'm in a group a friends, I feel lonely a lot of the time. It feels like when I start talking, the conversation ends up falling dead in a matter of seconds. Oh, and I ALWAYS ALWAYS overthink.
 

TeNNiSd0C09
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2007
Total Posts : 1303
   Posted 7/18/2008 11:56 AM (GMT -7)   
enWayen, NO, no...you didnt hurt me in any way. I didnt mean it like that. What you wrote took on a different meaning for me, I will explain if needed. But you wrote

"But Christi, I really want to say this one more time, please don't feel bad of who you are. It is so easy to blame yourself for your sometimes imaginary "lacks"."

You told me to not feel bad for who I am, but its not just that I am a quiet person, its more, thats why it takes on a double meaning in my case! Thats all I could say because I was thinking so much, I didnt know what to say really.. I have had alot on my mind lately...

But anyways, please dont apologize because you didnt do anything! I should have emphasized exactly what I meant! Thats what happens when I have so much going on.. Im sorry.

"Healing is an energy phenomenon. Hope is another word for Healing.
"Cracks in the concrete are just reminders that you fall apart no matter how strong you are"
"Sometimes it is best to forget what you feel and remember what you deserve"
"Im going to smile like nothing is wrong, talk like everything is perfect, act like its all a dream, and pretend its not hurting me."


enWayen
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 585
   Posted 7/19/2008 3:51 AM (GMT -7)   
Christi,

Don't worry 'bout me :), and the same for you, you don't have to apologize.

I just have a pretty different way of thinking than most others (as far as I can know). Because of that, I can't really get a good image of how the things I say will be interpreted by others. And I know sometimes I will write things down that will hurt others (fortunately, not in your case). I found out that the best thing is to say sorry, because you might have a hit a weak spot with your remarks.

But thanks for the explanation. Feel free to explain it further if you want to, but only if you want to. I wish you all the best!
Erik
Acceptance is the key

Existential depression and Insecurity

Try to keep smiling! :)


TeNNiSd0C09
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2007
Total Posts : 1303
   Posted 7/19/2008 9:46 PM (GMT -7)   
Its ok. I know exactly what you mean! I have done that before, and sometimes its hard because we "dont" all think alike, sometimes people interpret things differently so...I understand! I would rather not explain fully, a few people know, but Im not sure how everyone would feel(although I have no problem saying it, but I want to respect others) and I dont want to do anything to challenge that... I have been trying to talk to a friend about it. And I joined an online group with people who relate, it has been going very well. I guess all I can say is that I have had issues about questioning myself and wondering who I am. When I realized who I really was, it scared me and I wasnt sure how to talk about it, but I have been more and more.

I dont want to confuse anyone. But, anyways, what it is has gotten better and I am having to learn to fully accept who I am. Thats why you struck me when you told me to just be exactly who I am because for several months now I have struggled with being who I am, but now I have decided to be who I am because theres a reason why I am myself! Everyones different, and no ones perfect, so I decided its finally time to be myself!

But, thats great advice to give someone, to always be themselves! Thanks for the reminder! =]

"Healing is an energy phenomenon. Hope is another word for Healing.
"Cracks in the concrete are just reminders that you fall apart no matter how strong you are"
"Sometimes it is best to forget what you feel and remember what you deserve"
"Im going to smile like nothing is wrong, talk like everything is perfect, act like its all a dream, and pretend its not hurting me."


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40603
   Posted 7/20/2008 10:32 AM (GMT -7)   
Christi,

You are a wonderful person.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

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