Loving yourself

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Rever
New Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 7/17/2008 1:16 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi, I am new here. Right now, I am in a love triangle, and the person I want to be with is seeing another guy. When I talk to her, I feel happy. When I don't talk to her I feel empty. My therapist says that I need to learn to love myself and that I can't love anyone until I do that. Problem is that I don't know how to love myself. I don't know exactly what that means. When I am alone and not in a relationship, I find myself to be more or less happy. I get depressed from time to time, but its nothing like when I am in a relationship. I get really obsessive when I am in a relationship and it pretty much takes over my life. I feel like I am out of control. I hate being out of control and I know that I can't control people. The only person I can control is myself. I want to be with this person...but I know I need to fix myself first. I am afraid of losing her, if I just concentrate on myself. So...if anyone has any suggestions on how to love myself or what that means exactly, I'd appreciate the advice.

Thank you.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40603
   Posted 7/17/2008 2:35 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Rever,

First of all, welcome to HealingWell. I think that this is going to be an interesting topic. There are a lot of us who struggle with the same thing. We could all learn from this.

I think, loving yourself means accepting yourself for who you are. Being good to yourself. And learning to live with any so called flaws. Getting to know yourself I think would fall in there somewhere too. Though for some of us, that takes a lifetime. We change from day to day to become who we actually are.

This could become a very deep topic. But I think that your therapist is right about you not being able to truly love somebody until you learn to love yourself. By the sound of it you are posessive. Which means that somewhere inside you, you are insecure. You feel that you have to control the other person in order to hold on to them. Well you really don't need to feel that way. That other person will be there if they want to, if they want to walk away, they should have the right to do that too. You need not control that. If you have confidence in yourself, you don't feel the need to control the invironment around you so much. You need to be able to go with the flow of things so to speak.

In other words, When you are feeling good about yourself, you are not needy. You don't feel the need to control other people. You have the confidence to let them be free to come and go as they please. You feel good whether or not they are around. You are happy within your own skin. You are happy with yourself. You are not needing somebody else to make you feel better about yourself. So Yes, you need to learn to love yourself before you can truly love someone else. You don't own other people, your girlfriend is not an item that belongs to you. She is there because she wants to be, not because you want her to be. My late husband was obssessive and posessive as you are, that only pushes the other person away. It also causes resentment.

How does that old saying go? If you love something, set it free. If it is to be yours, it will come back to you. If it doesn't, it wasn't meant to be in the first place. That is how you need to feel about people too. You can't control other people and you really shouldn't want to in the first place. We are all free. So work on being comfortable with yourself. Like yourself, love yourself. Care about yourself, stay healthy. Treat your mind and body good. Eat good food, exercise. Whatever it takes to be kind to yourself and help yourself to grow physically and mentally.

I hope that this helps you some
Best wishes,
Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


Rever
New Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 7/17/2008 5:37 PM (GMT -7)   
"Which means that somewhere inside you, you are insecure."

Thanks for the reply. That part right there was probably the most insightful. Yes, I am insecure. I am insecure about my body and my looks. I have been trying to work on that and have gotten much better. Part of my control issue, is that I am afraid of death. That I always feel like I am out of control because the one thing I fear the most is inevitable. Life feels fleeting to me :( I am always worried about a family member dieing. I think why I hold onto someone so much is because I am terribly afraid of being alone, because I don't want to die alone. I never feel happy because I always feel like we have to die someday. That if there is nothing after life, does anything we really do matter? And thats where my emptiness comes from. The feeling that nothing I do in life is meaningful because I have to do die someday :(


Hoping12, yeah man I know the feeling. Its really lonely without someone else :( I have a fast food addiction myself :P I am so out of shape, I haven't done anything physical for years. I rode a bike around the block the other day and literally was out of breath. And the other day I went bowling with my dad and my muscles were sore for a week.

stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 7/17/2008 5:43 PM (GMT -7)   

Hello Rever, this is Kitt

Many of us look at ourselves through a different kind of distorted mirror. We let other people in our lives--from parents and siblings to friends and coworkers--create a reflection of who we are, but it's rarely accurate. To truly love yourself, you need to know the truths that form the basis of a healthy self-image.

Accept yourself. Don't chase after other people's approval. Too much of what we do, say, buy or wear is motivated by our deep desire to be accepted by others. Your God accepts you  unconditionally, and in His view you  are precious and priceless. Focus on this and you will not waste any time and effort trying to be someone you're not.
 
Be True to yourself. Accept and enjoy your "shape,' and by that I'm talking about far more than the contours of your physical body--although you should rejoice in those too. To get to know yourself, make a list of your abilities and be as honest as you can. Ask friends for their input too. Then consider your heart--what you love to do--as well as the strengths and weaknesses of your personality. Don't deny your weaknesses; we all have a bundle of them. Be content with them.
 
Forgive yourself. Don't  expect perfection, but be honest. When you honestly admit your  errors and ask forgiveness most people will not  hold a grudge.  Practice such a forgiving attitude with yourself.
 
Believe in Yourself. Start affirming the truth about yourself! The truth is  you were created with talents, abilities, personality and background in a combination that is uniquely you.
 
If you can learn do  these things you will know what loving yourself is all about. I believe in you.
 
Take Care
Kitt

 

Kitt, Moderator: Anxiety, Panic & Depression 
*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
Not a mental health professional of any kind
It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.~Mahatma Gandhi~
Clickable Link: Anxiety-Panic Resources


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 7/17/2008 5:48 PM (GMT -7)   

Hoping12

This is Rever's thread but you posted a thought that caught my eye and may be the key to why you are so unhappy.  You also need to learn to love your self.

Hoping12 said...I did the "love myself" to the hilt for so many years. gave myself every pleasure i could think of.
me alone.
no one else.

Loving yourself is not about giving yourself every pleasure you think of, it is what has been posted above for Rever.  It is about your selfesteem and who you are not what you have.  It is not about gathering pleasures for yourself.

I hope this helps give you something to think about.

Sincerely
Kitt


 

Kitt, Moderator: Anxiety, Panic & Depression 
*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
Not a mental health professional of any kind
It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.~Mahatma Gandhi~
Clickable Link: Anxiety-Panic Resources


Rever
New Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 7/17/2008 5:49 PM (GMT -7)   
Hmm...I don't think that I do hehe. I mainly eat fast food cause thats what my parents always gave me. We never had food in the house or family dinners. It was always McDonalds, Burger King etc. Fast and easy. But I do think that is a good topic.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40603
   Posted 7/17/2008 5:53 PM (GMT -7)   
Hoping,

Go ahead and start that thread,

I think it is a good idea.
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


sheryl=jk
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2004
Total Posts : 4083
   Posted 7/18/2008 8:10 AM (GMT -7)   
Dont feel so bad I have a bad haibit of hijacking threads too eyes
 
So what im seeing here as far loving youslef must start with self esteem,. and knowing that count as a person, i have a hard time with this topic too, vry touchy for me, i dont feel i love my slef, and self esteem is poor, but i have to work on that, seek what my inner strengths are and go from there.......
 
God Bless,and have a Great Day!!.......Love.....Sheryl
xcema,hypermobile,Chronic Bronchitus,Fatigue,Positive ANAFibro-05--Had surgery on left & right knees 06, Interstial Cystitis-06 Spondlylosis/Disc Degernation Disease severe arthitis lower back -08,implantedInterstim-06 hysterectomy & IBS-06 Arthiritus-04 Depression-04GERDS/ Hiatial hernia -07   Anxiety-07 Gastroparesis-08--Occasional Migraines
 Reglan,Protonix,Prozac,Wellbutrin,Erthomyicin,klonipin,occasional phernergan, loratab, zanaflex  marrried 2 children, 1 with mild autism, Bipolar(8),  Abilify, Buspar, Celexa Son(13) is bipolarw/migraines, Topamax, ZantacGod plz grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference..." Plz help HW to help others by donating: http://www.healingwell.com/donate/


Rever
New Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 7/19/2008 6:49 PM (GMT -7)   
Aww man...I just wrote a nice post and I accidentally closed the screen! :(

I have been going out with my brother and his gf the past few days. Its been nice to get out of the house and not think about her. I havent talked to her for a few days now and I dont think she is going to talk to me until at least next week. I have been really worried about her contacting me actually. Right now, I feel as though I am really thinking for myself and trying to learn to love myself. If she starts talking to me again, I might use her as a distraction and never help myself. Part of it is my caring for her and then the other part is the need to be needed. I dont know what I am going to do if she talks to me again. I dont think its a good thing for my life right now, but I dont really know how to tell her that. I have my therapy session on Monday and I am hoping to go into greater depth about loving myself with my therapist.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40603
   Posted 7/19/2008 7:33 PM (GMT -7)   
I am glad that you are on the right track Rever. I am glad that you are seeing your therapist on Monday. Make sure that you write a list of things to talk about. That way you are sure to go over everything. I am happy for what you want to accomplish.

Best wishes
Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

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