Help! I dont know what else to do!!!

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Donnieboy
New Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 14
   Posted 7/22/2008 10:31 AM (GMT -7)   
Ok, Fisrt I apologise if I am posting in the wrong forum. It is not me who is depressed, it is my "girlfriend" I say girlfriend in quotations simply because we are having another one of those moments. I love this woman with all my heart and soul, she says she loves me too. THis woman has had a terrible life and now I believe its starting to wear her down. I encouraged her to go to a therapist, in which she has, she has also made an appointment with her doctor for medication. What I am asking for help with is, how or where can I go to get the mental and emotional tools to help better myself and strengthen myself to deal with her condition. Our relationship has been very taxing and its just recently I discovered she has been depressed, which would explain alot of her mood swings and alot of the suffering I have gone through during the time her and I have been together. I have done alot of research into depression and I am better understanding the pain she is suffering. I realise that alot of the things she says is not her talking, its the depression. Where can I go to better understand the stages? The ups and downs, the misdirected anger towards me? I love this woman with everything I am and I refuse to turn my back on her. She has noone else and I say that in the most serious of ways. Nobody else seems to want to deal with it where as I want to be there for her. I try so hard to put myself in her shoes and I can just imagine how lonely it must be for her and it is breaking my heart. I feel sorry for what she has suffered through however the fact I am staying by her side is not because there is nobody else, I stay because I am in love with her. I know I am rambling and this post is probably everywhere, I am just frustrated and I know its something to deal with me, so I turned to this site in hopes there may be someone else in a similar situation, and knows of what I can do, to relieve myself of this frustration and be better equipped so I do not contribute to her illness. I feel if I can become stronger and better able to handle this, I can still stay a positive in her life, not someone who contributes to the negative. Thanks in advance.

hyde123
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2007
Total Posts : 35
   Posted 7/22/2008 11:00 AM (GMT -7)   
Donnieboy,
Wow, what an amazing person you are....your girlfriend is so lucky to have you and the support that you give her. Im sorry, Im not sure how much I can help you seeing as I have never been on the other side of depression. But I think its really important for you to know that I think the fact that you not only love and support this woman, but are doing everything that you possibly can to be there for her makes you a very special person. Having someone to help you through this disease is invaluable, and that someone has such a hard, hard and thankless job.

How did she go at therapy? Often it takes a number of sessions to start making progress. And has her doctor prescribed her medication yet?

I so hope that you are able to work through this together and things get better. Hopefully if she starts on medication it will stabilise her moods and make things a bit easier to deal with on a day to day basis.

Please let us know how you are going.
Kate

els
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2005
Total Posts : 4031
   Posted 7/22/2008 11:05 AM (GMT -7)   

Hi Donnie, First let me welcome you to the forum here we are glad to have you and I do hope any and all advice/suggestions you get are helpful and supportive.

I have had depression forever it seems and indeed I too push those I most love away from me when I am in one of my depression spells.  Lucky for me I havent had one in quite some time...lol!  I do take an antidepressant and know I will always have to take one inorder to live a "normal" life...whatever "normal" means but, you get my drift right?  I am just trying to say that I understand the behavior of your girlfriend...and your right it isnt so much her as it is the depression.

For each one of us who have this it is different but seeking help either in the way of counseling or medications is the most important step.  You cant do that for her, you can encourage her strongly but taking it seriously in your mind is a totally different thing.  That stage or point in our lives is different for everyone.

She is very lucky to have your support and encouragement.  Please keep us posted on how she is doing and how things go okay?


Elisha
Co~Mod: Depression
Moderator: Heart & Cardiovascular Disease
http://www.healingwell.com/donate


Donnieboy
New Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 14
   Posted 7/22/2008 11:16 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Kate! Thank you so much! I just want to say I being on the other side of depression has given me alot of insight to the strength you all show! It is the people who suffer from this illness that are the true heros, not us who try to help. And thank you so much aswell for your kind words, sometimes I often get those "is it worth it" feelings but they last for a tenth of a second and are quickly erased by the image burned in my head of her smile.

She went to the first meeting with the therapist and let out alot of emotions as I understand. I offered to go with her anytime she needed support, however I understand and admire the courage she has shown by wanting to go at it by herself. The first session seemed to give her some insight. She is scheduled for another next week. As for the doctor she has that appointment next week aswell. She is just so fragile right now and her thoughts and feelings are everywhere, not in terms of her and I neccisarily but as to where she is where she wants to go what she wants to do. Rationally thinking some of her ideas dont make sense to me, but I have not gotten in the way, I just offer my opinion and I make it clear to her that it is just that....my opinion.

I recognise alot of the triggers in which her moods change, and I try to point them out to her as best and as gently I can. Sometimes it helps...sometimes its met with anger in a sense. Right now in this stage of her life, everything...even in my eyes seems to be going wrong for her and I totally understand her sense of hopelessness, but I try my best to show her the brighter side of things. I see now, no one has ever been there for her, and sometimes....understandibly so, she seems to question my motives and doesnt feel or take it seriously enough, that I will always be there for her no matter what.

She has suffered many forms of abuse in her relationships and I mean that in EVERY possible way someone can abuse someone, she has dealt with. So I am better prepared to handle the lashing out at me, who in no way has abused her at all. I know its alot of her pent up pain from her past that I am feeling the effects from. I just wish I saw it was depression earlier. I carry a guilt that wont go away. IF i had known then what I do now...well I would have pushed earlier for her to seek help. She admits she has wanted to get help for a long time, but no one pushed her to do it. And when she told me no one has ever suggested going to therapy before, I sort of felt I made a mistake, but see now that it was the kindest thing I could do for her if that makes any sense.

I just want the best for this woman, even if that doesnt mean me. I know I cant fix her, but I can be there for her, and I just need her to know that. She says she does so I hold that dear to me.

Again, thanks for replying and all of you are truely wonderful people...so much stronger than me thats for sure! MY thoughts and prayers are with you all aswell.

Donnieboy
New Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 14
   Posted 7/22/2008 11:25 AM (GMT -7)   
HI Els and thank you too for the kind welcome.

I do know I can only encourage her, not force her. Its just the toll its taking on me as a person. I feel if I am better equipped I can relieve myself of these silly frustrations I am having. Which is why I turned here. Also if I may I just want to say depression to me doesnt seem like anything "not normal" You are all great people and just like the rest of us in my opinion. I dont look at it as something to look down on, And again I see it as a courage that you guys show! We all have demons and issues, its the strength and courage you guys show to deal with it, name it, and battle it. I have my own share of issues and demons aswell, I lack the courage you guys demonstrate to handle it right now! I tip my hat to all of you :-) Again its you guys who are the heros, not I. Thank you so much again for the very kind words.

hyde123
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2007
Total Posts : 35
   Posted 7/22/2008 12:17 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Donnie,

Thats great that she is going back to see her therapist...it sounds like it will help her a lot considering what she has been through. I really hope that her doctor can help her too and prescribe something if he/she thinks it is appropriate.

We can all say to you not to feel guilty, but I am fully aware that guilt doesnt go away just like that. Even though I dont believe you have any reason at all to feel guilty, I can understand why you do if you look at it that way. I still have huge amounts of guilt over things that I did while I was on medication and when I came off it and even though I know I shouldnt feel that way, I still do. I just try to push it to one side and not let it take over. But remember that the MOST IMPORTANT thing is that you are both headed in the right direction now. That is such a huge step forward because often its hard to know what the right direction is and you get more and more confused and its like youre spinning around and have no idea where you are.

I would love to promise you that it will get better....I believe that it will with her treatment and the unwavering support that you show her. You have no idea how important that is and how much it helps. I went through my depression and experiences with medication completely on my own because I didnt want anyone else to know and it cost me a lot. The value of having someone there to talk to and help you is invaluable.

It sounds like until she gets some medical help, you just need to keep doing what youre doing. Give her advice and hugs, make sure she eats well and gets enough sleep etc. But please look after yourself as well and try to take some time out for you.

Im so sorry I cant be of any more help.
Kate

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40573
   Posted 7/22/2008 1:07 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Donnie,

Welcome to HealingWell.

I would suggest you read some books on depression. Have you ever thought about going to counseling yourself to help you deal with her depression? Even if you only go once, they might be able to tell you some books to read or some coping mechinisms to use. To maybe explain things to you so you know more about what she is going through.

If nothing else, I would suggest reading some books on depression and see where that takes you. It should give you a better insight as to what she is going through.

You are doing well by just being there for her. And it sounds like you give her the space that she needs to learn how to deal with her issues. It is a long process, but though it can be tough at times, it is quite amazing how the human mind can help itself. Allow her to go through the necessary changes, and just be there like you have been. Maybe ask her if she needs to talk now and then and continue by not pushing too hard. It sounds like you are doing all the right things right now. She is very fortunate to have such a compassionate person loving her and I think that with your help she will be just fine. Baby steps, and one day at a time.

Best wishes,
hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


snowflake
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2007
Total Posts : 595
   Posted 7/22/2008 2:00 PM (GMT -7)   
Morning Donnie,
Wow your friend is so lucky to have the support that you are willing to give her .I think having that would be a great suooprt in itself.
As you are probably aware depression is like a rollercoaster with plenty of up`s and down`s .For some reason we push away those who mean so much to us but we do this not really knowing we are doing this .
As for helping your partener have you considered going to the therapist seperately and asking for some help which will enable you to help her .I know my hubby wouldn`t even talk to a therapist he doesn`t believe in them but one day when i was away having treatment for cancer he had a wake up call from a psycharitist who had to get his permission to treat me .Hubby was about 1000km away at the time .Things were ok for a short while after i came home but reverted back to where i was before treatment .I know if you had the support of the therapist then they would be able to help you a lot .
Just talking to everyone in here you will be able to pick up on a lot of do`s and don`ts .
Everyone is here for the same reason because depression has affected their lives in some way weather it be as a suffer or a carer .
I wish you luck .
Jane
~  we can not judge anyone unless we have walked in their shoes and have live through what they live through ~


Donnieboy
New Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 14
   Posted 7/22/2008 2:16 PM (GMT -7)   
Thank you again so much everybody! Yes I seriously have considered going to a therapist myself and even expressed the idea to my girlfriend, her first reaction was wow then said dont because its too expensive. I laughed and then got serious with her and said money is no object and is no waste if it meant me being stronger and more able to handle the ups and downs. ITs for this that I really want to be able to do because in the beginning I wasnt well enough aware of her depression, and there is alot I probably could have done or said differently.

It does concearn me at this point right now ebcause I dont know how to handle this new "stage" She feels that if she were to relocate to another province or country, things will get better. Having done some reading on depression, I personally have come to realise that it may not be the answer, because without her admitting it, she has carried this burden for a long time and no matter where she is or goes it will just be a "quick fix" and what deaper issues she is battling will only resurface.

She is a big dreamer and I am the first to tell her follow your real dream and make it a reality, however inside myself I find I struggle with the thought that she just wants to escape and she believes leaving will "cure" her. I would never ever get in the way of someone following thier dream, let alone the woman I love but something makes the hair on the back of my neck stand up thinking its just as I said...a quick fix.

I dont know if this is typical behavoir or thoughts, or if its really her dream. So I am torn. She knows no matter where she goes I would follow if she asked me to and this is truth, however this is her home, and where she was born. I know she loves her hometown alot.

Finding this site has already given me alot of insight, and I am more than willing to go to support groups or therapy or anywhere just as long as I can help. Its not pity, its a genuine feeling the need to be there for her in everyway I can be. This woman is my soul mate and I would die for her in a heartbeat, but I wont let my ignorance nor my lack of education on the issue bring me down to. I will go through this journey with her as long as it takes and any advice given is greatly appreciated.

You all are truely wonderful people and to help a stranger shows just how amazing you people are. Let Karma shower you all with hope and happiness. Honestly from the bottom of my heart thank you all so much for the feedback, I already feel somewhat stronger having a voice and a forum to discuss my dilemas and trials. Thank you

snowflake
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2007
Total Posts : 595
   Posted 7/22/2008 2:24 PM (GMT -7)   
Donnie ,
Moving will not solve the problem and especially now she has started therapy ,believe me i know just how hard it is to keep going through my story with new therapists i`m at the stage now where i will not see a therapist because i want to move on not keep going over it everytime a new one comes out here .Stand beside her and support her be there for when she falls you have by far the toughest job of all .I admire you for the strength you have in just doing what you are doing .
Jane
~  we can not judge anyone unless we have walked in their shoes and have live through what they live through ~


Donnieboy
New Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 14
   Posted 7/22/2008 2:35 PM (GMT -7)   
Thanks alot Jane, oddly its not all that tough of a job I have chosen, I would do it all over again if I had to. I do feel aswell moving is not a good idea right now, but as I said I dont know whether its just one of her dreams (which it isnt really because there is nothing out there for her as of yet, just a whim and a prayer ) or if its just a "stage" which is common.

I too admire you and am proud of your you and your courage...its truely remarkable! That attitude alone shows you just how strong you are! Its not the job of those who want to help that is difficult or hard, its the job of those fighting this that have it harder. Sometimes it just feels I have hiccups walking down this path with her and sometimes question my own abilities. Its this that I came here for help. I know I love her and sometimes it troubles me when I get pushed too far away or hurt, that I wonder if I really should just "go away". I absolutely do not want to leave her, and my love for her has grown through all fo this, and the more I learn and understand, the stronger my love and compassion for her grows.

I wish I had a wand to erase depression from exsistance however realistically I know I cannot, the only thing I can control in all of this is me, and in order for that to happen benificially for myself and for her, I seek guidance, and guidance has been found in the words of strangers..For this I am eternally grateful! Thank you.

snowflake
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2007
Total Posts : 595
   Posted 7/22/2008 2:56 PM (GMT -7)   
Donnie i know another fellow from my own country who i did meet when i was having my cancer treatment he is an ambulance officer he has a heart as big as yours and you remind me of him so much .His wife also is suffering from depression and like you he is right beside her every step of the way .I really envey both yor parteners and only wish my hubby would be even a small bit interested in my depression and for him to know it`s not something i can just get over in a few days but a life long struggle just to get through each day .
Hopefully your partener will realise just how wonderful you really are ,Please don`t walk away as it`s only the depression pushing you away .But you need to find something that you can escape into just for a little while to have a break so it does not burn you out too .
Jane
~  we can not judge anyone unless we have walked in their shoes and have live through what they live through ~


Donnieboy
New Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 14
   Posted 7/24/2008 8:11 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi guys! Thanks again for the words of encouragement, it is so much appreciated. Well today seems to have been a good day for us. We talked alot and she made many realisations and seems to be figuring alot out for herself, yet she still feels empty as she says inside. She says she knows I love her and she knows I am always there for her, yet still says she cant remember how to be herself anymore and doesnt remember how it is to feel love for someone. She always says she is sorry and I keep telling her that what she feels and what has happened to her isnt her fault. She carries so much guilt and pain inside her and blames herself for way too much and no matter how much I say its not her fault....she still doesnt accept it. I have no intention what so ever of abandonning her or walking away, my love for her is far too strong to allow me to do that. And I do try to escape things for awhile, yet my thoughts no matter what I do are consumed by her. She really is a fantastic woman and is so special to this world and I remind her everyday of that, but still....she just cant seem to accept that. Im mortified by the fact that everyone, and I mean everyone tells her its in her head or that she is being silly. Its to the point where I find myself angry at certain people in her life...including her parents. I cant believe they dont and havent seen the pain she is in. She tells me she has to be selfish right now for herself and I encourage this because in the end right now is all about her and her well being, I just struggle sometimes with the fact she pushes me away one day, and hold me so close the next. I admit its confusing at times and has been an emotional strain on me, but the more I realise and read from this site, the more I understand its a normal stage in what she is suffering through. I am just so afraid for her at times, if she recieves another kick to the stomach so to say...I dont know what else more she can handle especially being so fragile. I know my love for her cant save her or fix her, I am aware though that I can be whatever it is she needs me to be right now and I have committed my entire being to be just that. Everybody uses and takes advantage of this poor woman and I mean everybody. She doesnt trust anybody anymore so she says, but she is too trusting of people. She says she trusts me and I feel she does, but also says that something always flashes in her head about her past and its me who feels the effects from it. I know actions speak louder than words and all I can do is be who I have always been to her and let her find the answers for herself. I told her last night, I cant force her to love me, I cant force her to trust me and I cant force her to be with me, all I can do is stay who I am. LAter that night she told me I am the only person she can talk to about anything, she says if this depression wasnt happening, that we would probably living together now etc etc she then says if she didnt mess up everything would have been perfect between her and I, I cut her off and said stop. I wont let her blame herself for the trouble and ups and downs we have been through. I know its not her fault, and I try to convince her of that aswell, and assure her its just the illness. I told her that she can feel better again and she has every right to be happy in life too. I told her what happened between us is such a small thing that it didnt effect me at all, I then took her hand and put it on my face and said that I am still here beside her and I am not going anywhere. She smiled and said she wanted so much to say what she feels about me and tell me she loves me, but she just cant right now. This has to be a positive I would guess. I told her not to stress for this right now and said the improtant thing at this moment is her and her alone, I told her not to stress about "us" because we have all the time in the world. I just hope what I am saying and doing in terms of her is healthy for her and the depression and if I am doing something wrong I really need to know. I in no way at all want to contribute to this illness at all, I just want her happiness and health. Thanks again all of you. Just venting this all out is like my own personal self help and its so much appreciated having a voice in here and recieving feedback.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40573
   Posted 7/24/2008 10:48 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Donnieboy,

She is so lucky to have you, though I would think that her not being able to tell you she loves you right now must really hurt. But I guess she wants to make sure that she is honest in telling you. So I can understand that.

What she is going through is very difficult. And it sounds like she is being completely honest. I feel that she does love you, it is just that the disease of depression is getting in the way.

Please keep us posted on how everything is going for you and her. We are here for you, don't ever forget that.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 7/24/2008 11:04 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Donnieboy,
It takes a special person to standby someone with mental health issues and I know how hopeless you can feel as a person with depression.
 
You do get caught up in all the guilt for the pain you know your illness is causing others and you get on a merry-go-round that is hard to get off of.
 
We are here for you and I am Kitt.  I have a husband that has gone through hades with me sometimes but although he gets frustrated and at his wit's end as what to do,  he is still right here.  Sometimes when depresssion has us deep in a hole just knowing someone is there to hold you and let you cry is the best thing in the world.
 
Bless you,  you are strong and you have grit.
Kitt
 

Kitt, Moderator: Anxiety, Panic & Depression 
*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
Not a mental health professional of any kind
It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.~Mahatma Gandhi~
Clickable Link: Anxiety-Panic Resources


Donnieboy
New Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 14
   Posted 7/24/2008 11:06 AM (GMT -7)   
Thanks so much Karen. Im lucky to have her too. She does have moments where she tells me she loves me and she sees a future together for us, then she just shuts down so yes it is hard sometimes but I cant say it hurts that much. I feel she loves me, I see it in her eyes also and I am not just reading into it and hoping. She has been really honest with me and I tell her I appreciate it, its just the inconsistency that gets to me and not knowing if it is just the illness or not. When her and I are together everything seems great and she tells me all the time she feels happy. When we arent together she says its bizarre to her when I am not there. I can see its the time apart when things get difficult for the two of us, I am not so sure she realises it yet or if she can realise it being that her head is all over the place. I cant impose myself or force her to spend time with me, I let her decide when we can be together, yet I know when she is away from me, she goes into a funk. I tried to explain that to her and she tells me I am right. What can I do?? Tell ok lets move in together when she feels that if we do that, she might have a bad episode and kick me out? I assure her and I am trying to show her through actions that I am getting stronger handling all of this now that I recognise she is depressed. I know there will be days where she will lash out at me and say things she doesnt mean, Before Iw ould react, now I believe I wouldnt and just give her time to calm down and talk. We havent experienced an episode like that yet since I discovered she is depressed but I am prepared for it if and when it happens. When we do discuss those moments we had in the early stages of our relationship I refuse to let her take all the blame, I didnt make it easy at first for her either, because I didnt know why she acted the way she did, now I know why. I also told her one day she will be able to realise how we are together and she told me she hopes so, I ended that topic by saying dont hope so start knowing so. I try so hard to put a positive spin on the negative feelings she is having, I hope myself she sees the truth in time.

Donnieboy
New Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 14
   Posted 7/24/2008 11:14 AM (GMT -7)   
Thank you Kitt, oddly your words come as a great comfort as have everyones words do. I do hold her when she cries, we did that last night, she held me tighter than she has ever held me and told me she loves me so much. I assured her once again I am not going anywhere and I want to walk this road with her, I told her this is not scaring me and I will not turn my back. Sometimes she says its the wrong time to love her, I turned around and said its the perfect time to love her. It breaks my heart seeing her suffer yet I know I cant fix anything. I just wish sometimes there was some way to get through to her and show her I am not one of the bad guys. I said all I can say to her, I have been there for her through this all, I have shown her I am not going to leave her, now I suppose its in Gods hands. Ahhh the joys of love huh? lol brings out the best in us...I know that this trial has brought alot I didnt know about myself in me. Its weird sometimes I feel afraid that when she is all better again I will get forgotten, and then its her who tells me I need to be more confident with her lol irony?? She asked me to give her time, and time is what I give her because she is worth it, bizarre because she doesnt think she is.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40573
   Posted 7/24/2008 11:35 AM (GMT -7)   
You are such a wonderful caring person. If you feel it will work out in the end, give her time. I can see how much you love her and I am sure once she gets this under control that the two of you will be together. It is just that her self esteem is so low right now that she doesn't feel she is worth it. But as long as she keeps trying, she is.

Continue to be patient with her. If she doesn't want to move in together yet, I guess that she has her reasons. Maybe she doesn't want you to see her when she is at her lowest, though you probably already have.

But when you are depressed, you feel like such a burden to others and you feel you are not worth the trouble. But we, and you, know that isn't true. You see the good in her that she doesn't see.

I hope that we are helping you to cope, but I wonder if it would be good for you to seek counseling to help you through all of this that you are going through. It can't be easy for you. I see that you are really sticking by her and she is lucky for that. Keep up the good work.

Keep posting and let us know what is going on with your situation. Again, you are a wonderful, compassionate and strong person to stick this out. And I hope that she starts feeling better soon. For both your sake.

Hugs, Karen...
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


Donnieboy
New Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 14
   Posted 7/24/2008 11:40 AM (GMT -7)   
Thank you...reading that actuallly just brought me to tears and I am so sorry for admitting that. I think I do need conseling because its been harder than I admit or I will show her. She is so special and amazing and it kills me hearing her say she isnt. Sometimes I feel my efforts dont pay off at all, then I see the way she smiles when she sees me and it takes everything I have inside me to not break down in her arms. Ill post more later, I just need a few minutes to regroup...again thank you so much for saying all you guys have!

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40573
   Posted 7/24/2008 1:43 PM (GMT -7)   
Take all the time you need, I will be here for a while.

hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


snowflake
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2007
Total Posts : 595
   Posted 7/24/2008 5:11 PM (GMT -7)   
Morning Donnie sounds as though you have had a draining evening .(((( HUGS )))) .
Fighting depression is much harder for me to fight than the cancer .I know i have pushed everyone in my life away and not even realising it until it was too late .I lost a son just over twelve months ago ,death is such a horrible thing .Depression isn`t much better .The thoughts that go through my head constantly has robbed me of so much .Not only that but the abuse i have suffered all my life has taken away so much .I have periods where i just do not want to go on .I have a husband who has been with me for a long time butsince a lot of this has come to a head he is only with me he but he isn`t htere for me ,i can`t talk to him about how i`m feeling or what this has all done to me ,nor can i tell him how he makes me feel .For a long time i have only existed from day to day .Maybe if i had his support things would of been different but somewhere along the way we have lost each other ,I`m not even sure if i love him anymore ,i know i miss him if he is not here and i know i feel so down when he is home from work on his days off .The psycharitist tells me it`s the depression that is making me feel like this but as time goes on i just feel it`s getting worse .I can now sit in the same room as him and not know what to even say to him .This really makes me feel so down .I see that i`m pushing away the only one i can say i have ever loved but i still can`t stop this horrid process .But i also know i could not live if i was not with him .
Have you even though of just spending a couple of days together with your partener and seeing how it goes ,by the sound of it the others in her life are the ones giving her so much negative ideas something she doesn`t need .
I hope you can both work something out .
Take care .
Jane
~  we can not judge anyone unless we have walked in their shoes and have live through what they live through ~


Donnieboy
New Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 14
   Posted 7/25/2008 12:51 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi again everyone! Jane I am so sorry things are difficult for you right now, I know for me the best thing that happened in dealing with my girlfriends depression was when she hinted she had something to say and really looked serious and I pushed her to talk about what she is feeling. Sometimes we are so blind to what seems simple to us, but something so desperately painful to others. Maybe try to bridge the gap between you guys like my girlfriend did with me, maybe your hubbie will pick up on something and maybe he needs to be drawn out aswell.

As for me, yeah it was a draining night, I think being reminded of how hard this has all been on me shattered my walls a bit and my knees buckled so to speak. I have never asked for a thank you or anything like that, and people telling me how kind or compassionate or loving and strong I am just seemed to provoke a bizarre feeling inside me and I lost my footing for awhile. If I really had to break it down as to what happened tonight on here, I guess I could just say this...if you guys see its been hard for me, and if you can see and appreciate what I am doing for her.....how come she cant see it.

I realised maybe I am looking for a little of her appreciation and attention for my feelings, but I also stopped those thoughts with me telling myself how selfish that would be of me. I guess I learned early on in life that if you love something or someone...I mean really loved them...then you put that person and that persons needs ahead of your own. This is how I have always lived my life and loved how I have loved.

I wont let myself get sucked into this depression hole of hers, but I will and DO try to reach an arm in to help pull her out of it.

She seemed to have a good night tonight, although she is very tired, she swung by my work ( i work nights) and said she couldnt sleep and wanted to pass by to see me and tell me she loved me! It felt really good. When her and I first started together, she always use to do little things like that out of the blue. She also called me to say goodnight and that she loved me again. I felt very good inside, even though I know in the back of my head this may just be temporary as her illness could drag her down again and into another shut down mode. I see how hard she tries to be herself and try to be affectionate, but thats just it, its not coming naturally right now its like she is forcing herself..I thanked her time and time again for passing by and reminded her how sweet she is and that driving to see me at work was just a small example of how wonderful she is. She smiled and I tell you that smile is something I would kill for to keep on her face.

Anyways, its late I need some rest. Thank you all once again, I am so grateful I fell upon this site and eternally thankful for all the support and encouragement I recieve from you wonderful people. Sweet dreams all of you and I Wish you the greatest day tomorrow. Ill peak in and keep you guys all posted. Thanks so much.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40573
   Posted 7/25/2008 11:49 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Don,

It does sound like the symptoms that she is experiencing could be a part of depression. A lot of times there is fatigue and pain. And just an all over blah ness about things.

I think that you getting the tennis equipment is a good idea. I hope that she wants to go. She might have fun beating your butt. LOL...

But just getting her out for the exercise and the fun will be good for her. Just you remembering the things that she enjoys is going to mean a lot to her. You are a very thoughtful person and she is lucky to have you supporting her. Just think of you now and then and pace yourself with this. You are putting a lot of energy into everything. Go slow.

hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


snowflake
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2007
Total Posts : 595
   Posted 7/25/2008 5:09 PM (GMT -7)   
Donnie how easy it would be to give up i have often though of doing it so many times .I know that being told by someone on the outside is not heard nearly as well by those helping as it is from the ones being helped .Hell i slave away all day to keep my house clean ,i cook something different for them every day ,Anything they want i will do for them reguardless of how i`m feeling but not once has any of them ever said thankyou .It`s been years since anyone in my family even gave me a hug .( all i would really love is for hubby to give me a big hug and tell me everything will be alright ) but i know it will never happen .
The sleeplessness and the pains your partener are experiencing are part of depression i have spoken to a few drs on this as i always seem to be having something going on at one time or another ,They told me my whole system is down and we feel things a lot more but as time goes on they just get worse .
Any type of exercise is great for depression especially if it was something you loved to do .For me it was swimming but now as the years pass i just do not do anything my depression has taken over a great part of my life even to walk is so hard ,i`m at a stage where i just want to stay at home and not be seen by others ,so encourage your partener to get out ,go for walks ,picnics,any outdoor sport is great .
Down the track it may be a year or two but your partener will realise just how wonderful you are and just how lucky she is to have you by her side especially when her depression has leveled out some .
You mentioned earlier that she was going to see the drs about medication ,Thats great but they do take some weeks before you will see how they go and hopefully she will begin to feel a bit better .
Hang in there you are doing a fantastic job .
Jane
~  we can not judge anyone unless we have walked in their shoes and have live through what they live through ~


Donnieboy
New Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 14
   Posted 8/3/2008 3:26 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi all! Sorry for the long time between posts.
 
Ok now I am just as confused as ever. Since the perfect Sunday together everything has gone down hill again. As of right now I am still dumped, and the reason is as she says "in my head I dont want to come back" I asked why and she said she cant forgive herself for the pain she has caused me, I explained to her that it wasnt her who hurt me with the ups and downs, it was just her depression, she then asked why do I seem hurt all the time and I honestly answered its because she dumps me. She says shes afraid to come back to me because she is afraid she will hurt me again or mess up again, I tried to tell her its a risk I am willing to take but it fell on deaf ears. We spoke today and she hinted that she is sad for what happened to her and I and she is sad for what happened between us. She says she doesnt like the way things are between us now and doesnt like seeing me sad, I just assured her that her and I are ok but if I am sad its just because I miss her. Is there anything I can say to her that will alliviate her guilt for the hurt she thinks shes caused me? Is there anything I can say? She knows how much I love her and value her and cherish her, why did she give up? What can I do? All the time she tells me I am perfect, I tell her I am not, All the time she says she should and I deserve a chance with her? She says she doesnt trust herself. She keeps thinking she will mess up....What can I do? She also reminds me of a time when she had a girlfriend of hers who was depressed and with somebody, she said her girlfriend when she was feeling better just dumped the boyfriend just like that. She says shes afraid she will do it to me....Argh! I need some help...what can I do? Sometimes she also says she doesnt stop herself from dumping me and wont try because she doesnt know if she loves me enough...Is there something I am missing? Is this just a slow painful way of her telling me any slim chance of her and I are now finished?  Shes constantly saying she needs to be alone, but I hear thats the worse thing for someone who is depressed to be left as...alone.
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