Depression? Anxiety? Grief?

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smackman
New Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 5
   Posted 7/25/2008 5:56 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi everyone.
 
I am 38 yrs old, married, 2 kids, and male.
 
In April of this year, my dad was diagnosed with CJD, a very rare and 100% brain virus.  By the time dad had been diagnosed, he didn't even know he was sick.  No one really had a chance to say goodbye to him, due to his mental state.  The disease lasted 4 months. We buried him 3 weeks ago.
 
about the time dad was diagnosed, I started having strange physical sensations: Lump in throat feeling, Numbness/tingling in my face, arms, legs and feet. Hot flashes. I've had a headache for 10 wks now. In the past week to 2 weeks, most of those symptoms have gone away, but now I am extremely tired - I can go to sleep at night, sleep for 6-8 hrs, and wake up feeling like I just need to go back to bed. Coincidently, at the same time I started feeling so exhausted, I got a dental abscess, and have been on antibiotics (Clindamycin) until yesterday at noon time. I am having trouble concentrating on people when I speak to them, and am sensitive to light.  It's like I cannot focus my eyes on anything, I just "look through" things, but I can still carry on a conversation.  I've noticed that I'm a little slow making decisions, will start a project (even a "project" like getting dressed) and take forever to finish it.  I've had some suicidal thoughts recently.  I have very vivid and bizarre dreams, many times violent.  My dreams seem to include lots of dead people - my dad, my grandparents, dead pets... I don't seem to have any issues doing work, like cutting grass, etc. Physically, aside from now being tired, I seem to be able to do what I need to do to get through the day.
 
I was diagnosed back in June w/ anxiety, and prescribed Celexa.  I took the Celexa (20mg) for a week, and stopped, because it made everything so much worse. Back then, the docs did blood work and said that I'm OK - kidney's working OK, liver is OK, no signs of cancer in my blood, blood sugar is OK, etc.
 
 
I am still very scared that I have a physical disease that is going to kill me. This being exhausted all the time is very disturbing. I am afraid of losing my mind, losing my job, losing my family.
 
Am I depressed? Is this grief? Has anyone experienced this? What can I do to get better?

Confusedli
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 363
   Posted 7/25/2008 6:16 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Smackman,

I think what your experiencing may be a mix of grief and anxiety. My Dad died just 4 weeks ago too, so I know some of what your feeling. The main thing which you said which I can relate to is - "I am having trouble concentrating on people when I speak to them" " It's like I cannot focus my eyes on anything, I just "look through" things, but I can still carry on a conversation." I feel exactly like that right now, like everything is unreal in a way and I am just going through the motions.

I think the last four months must have been very emotionally draining for you and so your body is probably responding in many different ways. Give yourself some time and be patient with yourself right now, because you need to greive, without worrying to much.
 
 
"The Optimist sees the rose and not its thorns; the pessimist stares at the thorns, oblivious of the rose."


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40568
   Posted 7/25/2008 6:30 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Smackman,


First of all, welcome to the forum. There are many fine members here who will give you the best advice that they can and they will be honest with you.

It sounds like you got some very good advice from somebody who has just been through the same experience as you. Let yourself grieve, we all grieve differently and that takes time. So dont be hard on yourself if you can't get back on track right away.

I hope that you feel better soon. You might want to talk to your doctor if that would make you feel better. The fatigue could be a part of depression from your tragic loss. Hopefully you will be up and running in no time. Just kind of go with it all.

Best wishes to you,
hugs, Karen...
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


smackman
New Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 5
   Posted 7/25/2008 6:39 AM (GMT -7)   
Thanks Confusedli and getting by. I appreciate your input and kind thoughts.

I am just really down, scared, etc. I feel like I want to go to the doc and say "gimme the full Monty" and have every test run on the planet to make sure I'm not dying. I cannot financially afford that, though. Which means I need to give up my need to control the situation and let God deal with it. I wish I knew for sure if I had a physical problem or not. If I knew it was all mental, I think I would feel better...maybe.

If I have a fatal disease, what can I do about it anyway?

But this way I feel now, just isn't me. I'm usually the strong one, the decision maker, the rock. I feel like I'm being broken down to dust.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40568
   Posted 7/25/2008 6:45 AM (GMT -7)   
Hey Smackman,

You are just being human. We can't be a rock all of the time. The fatigue is telling you to get a little more rest. It is a part of the depression. And I think that it will pass soon enough.

I went through many funerals, being the strong one for everybody else. But when my first husband died, after the funeral was over, I crashed. It is rather hard being the rock all of the time in a situation like that.

Best wishes, Keep posting.
hugs, Karen...
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


bfleon
New Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 7/26/2008 12:38 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi smackman,
I am going through a similar situation. Either I have situatinal depression caused by the loss of my mom or I have post traumatic stress disoder. My mother died of cancer 14 months ago. I feel you may be depressed because of everything you went through. I thought it would get better for me but it still has not. I am seriously considering seeing a grief therapist. I still can not sleep well, I have fatigue, still have headaches, I just lost all my motivation to do anything. My mother and I were very close, she was my best friend, great mother! Sometimes I think to myself I am 24 years old, I still need my mom. Seeing her go through leukemia and its painfull treatments changed me. Not only leukemia painful but the treatments are horrible, from the chemotherapy to the bone marrow biopsies. She died only three week afer her diagnosis. I feel life is so unfair. I know life is unfair , but all I had was my mom. My whole family fell apart after she died, no one gets along with each other anymore. I see my father as a spectator father, he is there but he is not. Yes, he provides financially but he adds to my depression with who he is and acts, and I feel like am stuck to live with him. Also, it hurts me that not even 6 months after my mom his wife died he was looking for female companionship. I felt he disespected my mother by him doing this. He said he loved my mother, but his actions in life and after her death proves orherwise. Also, our family dog was diagnosed with bone cancer and died after my mom died. All this just made me even more depressed. How can I confide in my father. I told him we should see a therapist to help us with our issues but he does not want to, eventhough I expressed to him I am so depressed, I have suicidal thoughts. The only thing keeping me going is our other dog and cats, I told my mom I would take care of them. Before my mom died I was energetic idealistic college pre-law student in my third year with a part time job. Now, I am not in school and no job. I have been through grief before. I lost my belove auntmy moms sister four years ago, My grandmother my moms mother died a year before my mom died. But when my mom died something snapped in me. Some days it is hard to just get out of bed. Perhaps, you should consider seeing a grief therapist. I remember what one of my professors told me that menatal illness can express itself physically. The mind can expend more energy than any physical activity! Do not wait too long like I have. I am scared too! I hope both of us can get better!

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40568
   Posted 7/26/2008 5:45 AM (GMT -7)   
HI bfleon,

I am so sorry for your loss. It is so hard when you are so close to somebody. Just take time and let the grieving process happen.

I do suggest counseling for this matter. It will help you through. So please get in touch with your counselor and talk about this. Or like you said a grief therapist. You spent many good years with your mom and it takes time to get over it.

I am sorry that your father disappointed you with his early quest for another woman. But I guess we do all grieve differently and some people take more time and some people take less. There might have been some issues between the two of them that you weren't aware of.

I really wish you the best.
Keep posting, we are here for you.
hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


hh527
New Member


Date Joined Mar 2006
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 7/27/2008 1:18 PM (GMT -7)   
Hello Smackman,
I think you should go see about another depression medication. All medications are different and work differently on different people.
You are feeling depressed with all that you are feeling. Explain to the doctor how you are feeling, considering your circumstances and give yourself time.
hugs

stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 7/27/2008 4:56 PM (GMT -7)   

Hello Smackman,

Welcome to the forum.

You have been through  a huge amount of stress and with a past history it is easy to start transferring your Father's death to your own sx. I am so sorry for your loss.  You are in the grieving process too. Allow yourself to feel the loss and the fear and face it head on.  If you need to, see your physician.  There are many new meds available that may help you and therapy is a really good idea to help you through this time.

Grieve at your own pace, there is no time frame tied to how long it lasts.  It is your pain and your loss.

God Bless you and stick with us. We are here for you.

Hugs

Kitt


 

Kitt, Moderator: Anxiety, Panic & Depression 
*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
Not a mental health professional of any kind
It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.~Mahatma Gandhi~
Clickable Link: Anxiety-Panic Resources


smackman
New Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 5
   Posted 7/28/2008 5:22 AM (GMT -7)   

Thank you...

 

I just cannot seem to shake the feeling that something is very wrong with me.  I am going to see my Dr. today, so hopefully he can give me some re-assurance and we can get on to some sort of program to try to turn the corner/start climbing out of this hole I feel like I'm in.

If just one symptom would get better, I'd feel so much better about life in general.  But with things just staying the same or getting a little worse every day, there's not a whole lot of will to want to get better/invest in the future. I know that probably sounds stupid, but sometimes I just feel so hopeless.


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40568
   Posted 7/28/2008 10:06 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Smackman,

Keep holding on, things will get better. But sometimes it takes a little time. Work on one thing at a time. Take life one day at a time, baby steps as we call them.

Remember that we are here for you and will always be.

Keep posting and let us know how you are doing.

hugs, Karen...
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 7/28/2008 10:33 AM (GMT -7)   
smackman
 
I am glad your seeing your Doctor and I hope you find the answer to your problem.  I am proud of you for advocating for yourself.
 
Keep it up.  Please know we are here for you 24/7 so post and share whenever you feel you would like to.
Gentle Hugs
Kitt
 

Kitt, Moderator: Anxiety, Panic & Depression 
*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
Not a mental health professional of any kind
It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.~Mahatma Gandhi~
Clickable Link: Anxiety-Panic Resources


smackman
New Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 5
   Posted 7/31/2008 9:45 AM (GMT -7)   
I went to the DR on Monday. He didn't even lay a stethescope on me. Said I was fine, just needed ot give things more time. My 4 month long headache, twinges, numbness, etc. did not concern him at all, as blood work done a couple of months back came back normal. He said that if I were his brother, he still wouldn't recommend any further testing. I asked him if he liked his brother or not :)

Now I have something wrong with my foot. In a walking cast. Had to get an MRI last night on my foot, and I barely made it through. I was ready to totally freak out laying on the table. But, nothing happened to me (bad), so I should focus on the positive, instead of the fear.

I'm still in so much physical pain from my foot, and now the other ankle, due to compensation in walking. I still have the headache, twinges, chest pain, exhaustion, etc etc etc. It's so hard to have hope, when it seems that every day I get worse... But I am still alive.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40568
   Posted 7/31/2008 10:37 AM (GMT -7)   
Evidently this is something that your doctor seems to think will pass. Hopefully it will. But if it continues, maybe you should see another doctor. A second oppinion never hurts.

Good luck and keep us posted.

hugs, Karen...
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


Confusedli
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 363
   Posted 8/1/2008 2:47 AM (GMT -7)   
Smackman,
 
Sounds to me like you need some rest and relaxation.  Have you tried yoga or some sort of meditation.  I think it would be good for you - to help you stop worrying about things and maybe to ease tension - as that could be what is causing your headaches.
Confusedli
 
"The Optimist sees the rose and not its thorns; the pessimist stares at the thorns, oblivious of the rose."
 
"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, its about learning to dance in the rain"

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