New on this forum...need some help

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New Member

Date Joined Aug 2008
Total Posts : 6
   Posted 8/1/2008 1:45 PM (GMT -6)   
I am depressed.  I don't think it or suspect it, I know it.
I wake up every day hours earlier than I need to and mentally beat myself up and curse my life.  I lay there and wish that I hadn't woken up at all.  I review all of the mistakes I'd made the previous day and anticipate screwing up that day too.  Sometimes I just cry, sometimes I sob.  My husband is tired of it.  He has stopped even trying to console me.  He just tells me to get help and goes back to sleep.  I don't blame him.  I'm tired of me too.
There are things I used to be good at that I no longer can get myself to do.  My finances are a mess.  My house is usually a disaster.  I've lost contact with most of my friends. I'm not sure I ever had friends to begin with. My rising career is no longer rising...hardly even holding steady. 
I try to hide it publicly, but not always well.  Sometimes I cry at work.  Sometimes I snap at people inappropriately.  Mostly I crack jokes and hope my sadness is hidden by my sarcasm.  People think I'm funny.  I don't feel funny.
I think I've been sort of like this for most of my life.  I was already slightly broken.  But the sadness and stress of the past 5 years has taken me from slightly broken to broken down.  5 years have passed and I look and feel 20 years older.
Setting "goals" for myself seems to help because I throw myself into it, but once the goal is accomplished I feel worse than before.  Much worse.  And I'm always disappointed in the outcome.  Never good enough.  More fodder for my morning self-flaggelation.  And a void where that activity was.
My husband says "talk to your family".  My family is made of stone.  If they read what I've written here they'd feign concern and chuckle amongst themselves about how weak I am.  Maybe not in those words nor with intended malice, but that would be the point.  I have been calling them more often, but it's frequently just a reminder of what I don't have. 
My husband says "get a hobby".  Well, now I do yoga, work out, sew, I tried cross stitch and crochet.  The exercise seems to help but the craft work just keeps my hands busy.  Doesn't give me something to live for if that what he was going for.  And when I tell people about it I feel like I'm saying "these are the things I'm doing to fill my empty life".
I guess there are reasons for me to be sad, but other people have it worse and aren't falling apart.  I want my Dad back.  I want my two miscarried babies to be living children.  I want to be able to have children.  I don't want anymore needles, procedures, raised hopes and crushing disappointments.  I want to live where my family is, not in the woods.  I want a normal, straight body. I want a job that means something and that I can enjoy.  I want to be good at something.  I want to feel better.
I don't want drugs and I don't want someone else to tell me to "just adopt" or tell me about how their friend used donor eggs and it's the same.  I'd rather be profoundly depressed and pregnant than upbeat and still barren.  This is why I'm afraid to get help.  They'll either try to medicate me or to talk me out of what I know I want.
But it's getting to the point where I'm afraid not to get help.  I think about death all the time.  Wishing for it.  I don't see suicide as an option because I don't want to leave my husband with that emotionally or financially.  That would be a final failure.  But I don't want to live either.  I want the pain and anger and self-loathing to stop.

Regular Member

Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 26
   Posted 8/1/2008 4:16 PM (GMT -6)   
I'm about to tell you exactly what you don't want to hear but it really is your only option.
I was horrible to my boyfriend, he was sick of my problems and I don't blame him looking back.
I went to see a doctor and she literally begged me to try anti-depressants but I wouldn't because I thought I would be high all the time or maybe lose my personality.
However it is the best thing I ever did.
All anti depressants do is stop the pessimistic views of life.
I don't beat myself up over everything or dread responsibilities.
I know you do not want drugs and I was against them but they literally saved my life.
You may not need them forever.
You need to go to a doctor as soon as possible.
Give anti-depressants a TRY, if they are not what you want.. you will not be forced to take them.
thats what I did. and I was stubborn.
Please TRY!  You cannot rely on yourhusband for your emotional well-being.  It really takes a toll on a relationship.
The sun can't shine every day :)

Regular Member

Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 26
   Posted 8/1/2008 4:24 PM (GMT -6)   
your babies are in heaven watching over you. You are still their mother.
I believe in my heart that they want you to be happy.
Talk to them, prey to them.

I will say a prayer for you tonight wishing you the strength you need to get well.
Remember that it is never too late.

I will be thinking of you.
The sun can't shine every day :)

New Member

Date Joined Aug 2008
Total Posts : 6
   Posted 8/1/2008 7:11 PM (GMT -6)   
Thank you for your responses. I guess I feel like I should be able to get this without meds. And I don't want them to interfere with my attempts to get and stay pregnant. And I don't want to become dependent...and, and, and... Every thought I have about going on anti-depressants is negative. Ironic, huh? I just feel so awful. I also can't picture going into the dr. to ask for anti-depressants. How do you do that? Whenever I try to talk even a little about how I feel I become a melodramatic pool of tears. I hate it. I avoid it. That's not me. And I imagine my family finding out I'm on them and scoffing at it. I'm all over the place here. But you get the point.

Thanks again for your responses. And for your prayers. When I read your second response I broke down. Sometimes I picture my babies with my Dad in heaven. Other times I find the thought ridiculous and childish. I want that to be true though.

getting by
Forum Moderator

Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40395
   Posted 8/1/2008 8:24 PM (GMT -6)   
Your children are with your dad in heaven. At least that is what I believe. So keep believing. And they all would want you to be happy. Atleast talk to the doctor and get yourself some kind of help. Counseling works wonders also.

Robyn is right about talking to your doctor and I agree with her. I really think you should as soon as you can, let them know that you are trying to get pregnant though so they will give you something safe. Tell them everything, and it is okay if you cry. That way he will see that you are being sincere and that you need something for emotions.

I take meds and go to counseling. Both has helped me so much. I can finally live a halfway normal life. I wasn't normal to begin with that is why I say halfway.LOL...

Please keep posting and let us know how you are feeling.

Best wishes to you,
hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

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