Its the same old stuff just need to say it......somedays i seem to be in a free fall heading for the bottom at a rate of knots and i cant stop .......I don't know where its all heading and why .. i just seem to breath everyday not out of want but reflex....in spite of it all i am still here not sure why ???? Am i being punished for all the wrong i have and still do, am i reaping what i have sowed, is it just bad luck or is it my own patheticness that leaves me lying broken,sitting wasting away with no will or want just routine in obligation to others as not to offend or be rude... I have never seemed to know what i want to do in life never lasting long with any job lose motivation drive cant just do something cause i have to it ironic and irrational but its there.... my sport i used as escape to be free once became just another cross something i hated but stuck to cause i had to eat and its al i was sort of good at,it started as my escape from the problems of life, my feel good moment as i was accepted noticed and lifted to something more than just an invisible child and pathetic human being it , turned into a career a way to survive ended in an everyday reminder of failure and weakness ...... I let it all go as there was nothing left to hold onto my partner and i grabbed onto a opportunity tried something new started dreaming planning hoping took the leap but it blew up things got worse the money wasn't coming in the promises never materialized lost it all .....Hid away from the debtors with there summonses and non stop phone calls .......
Broke up an 8 year relationship that should never have been it was wrong in every way socially physically and biblically we were both just so lonely hurt and lost what we needed was friendship but it turned out ugly and wacked both more hurt and lost than before , it had to happen i just never knew how to walk away and everything that happen i guess was a blessing as i would probable have taken the easy way out by now.....
the past months alot has happend..ending a relationship dealing with all the issues attached to that, had to stand up and face the debtors face the world, tell them that i wasn't who they got to know had to realize that in spite of what i say they not going believe me and the stigma that went with it wont go away.Had to eat humble pie sleep on someone's couch live off there kindness... lost so called friends endure there betrayal....,endure my ex`s stalking the phone calls the drunkenness the guilt i feel for her inability to deal with it and move on,the continued worry of how it will end..... Watched a friend die ..... lost a niece to a brain tumour..... got burgled...
I have also found God sorry if that's breaking rules but no other way to say it if i didn't find that hope, i think i would not have survived all that i have it doesn't make me perfect it doesn't take away the problems infact i think the devils is coming at me harder than ever i keep falling and failing .......... still fall facedown in the mud grovelling for a long time not sure how to get up sometimes its real hard to get up again especially if you still not sure why...I know everything in my life is changing i am changing ......It is just real hard sometimes.....
Good Morning Dark,
That was a great post and yes you can say you found your God. I pray that He will help you through the down times and help you remember there is good in this world.
You keep on fighting and know that I support you.
Have you tried the journaling yet? Bless you my friend. I am here for you.
Kitt, Moderator: Anxiety/Panic & Depression& GERD Forums*~*
Good Morning. I am glad to hear you are journaling but don't make it to hard. Jot down a thought and it can be happy thoughts or a sad thought, just how your feeling at the moment.
Also don't get obsessed with feeling you must journal everyday, it is ok to take a break....................if you don't feel like going back and reading your old posts in your journal, you don't have to.
Remember the journal is just a place for you to let out your feeliings.
We care and we are all here praying for you..........now remember you have made it before and you will again this time. Sending many warm hugs your way.
If only the world could see what I feelthen, would the world, know who I amI've loved, lost and feared the worldfor it is sometimes too much to bareControl, power, is what I fearfor I am weak inside and full of painI shout and cry, but knowingthere is nobody there to hear meI swallow the shame and angerthat lies beneath meI am lost to reality and living in timeThough I am struggling through lifeand all that it offers, I am only humanand that is what makes me . . . Me.Still, I wish for the happiness and pleasurethat I have earned, but realize that, I havenot yet overcome the world's greatest challengeLove! and how to accept it -I am ready to face my fears~ Kimberly ~
Thought this might help you to read a poem by someone else that knows about despair.
You can learn to love yourself and accept love too..........face those fears my friend and you will come out a winner.