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thirstyforchrist
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2008
Total Posts : 416
   Posted 8/4/2008 8:31 AM (GMT -7)   
sad   I am helpless right now.  Helpless hopeless, lost.  I just need to write all this down so maybe I can get something done around my house.
 
     I see myself on the edge of a rugged cliff.  There is a terrintial storm all around me and the winds just keep coming my way trying to push me over the edge.  At the bottom of this cliff is jagged rocks and a wild frenzy of ocean making it's way towards the rocks.  I am chained to this cliff, iron shackles on my wrists and ankles.  I can fall, but I'll just dangle above the chaos below me. There are dark masses all around me that were people.  THeir faces have turned black.  I cant see their features any longer which makes them seem to be demons.  They can only come so close to me and then they are swept away by random tornadoes.  Sometimes the storm ceases and the sun peaks out from behind the dark clouds in the angry sky.  But just as soon as I see the light, thunder rolls and the ravenous sea below becons me to come.  I try to jump but the shackles just hold me in my desperate situation.  I cry out but the billows of wind carry my small voice far far away.  I wonder if anyone hears me, I wonder if I will ever be found. I wonder when the demon that bound me will come back and devour me with his starving crooked teeth.  I would rather be devoured now but the demon is having fun torturing me.  Seeing me struggle and cry.  My tears are blood now.  The sea is blood.  Blood from the millions of corpses this demon has already swallowed and spit out.  I cannot be free.  Their are keys all around me but none of them unlock my rusty confines.  I am desperate now.  I am starving for some affection that may turn into the golden key that will be my release.  I cant find anyone.  All I can hear is the haughty laughter of the dark demon with embers for eyes.  He is laughing hysterically.  He is coming for me. I am trying to get free with all my might.  But he is too close, so close I can smell his rancid breath that he is releasing into my ears.  He is here with me now.  He whispers in my ear that I can be free.  All I have to do is take this key in his hand and unlock myself.  I take the key and it turns to a dark and emaciated woman.  Her stringy black hair flys wildly in the wind.  I know that to be free I must become like her.  So I do.
"There is hope for every man, a solid place where we can stand, in this dry in weary land, there is hope for every man... Jesus is hope for every man"  -Casting Crowns


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 8/4/2008 8:44 AM (GMT -7)   
 
Good Morning...........your post was very dark and disturbing to me.  I feel you truly need to seek profesional help. 
 
Please call one of these numbers, calll you physician or if you need to call 911 but if your writing reflects your feelings, I fear for you and I am not a professional.............so keep these numbers and call.
 
U.S. Helplines


The US Suicide Hotline 1-800-784-2433

NDMDA Depression Hotline | Support Group. 800-826-3632

Suicide Prevention Services Crisis Hotline 800-784-2433

Suicide Prevention Services Depression Hotline 630-482-9696

Crisis Help Line | For Any Kind of Crisis 800-233-4357
 
Suicide & Depression Hotline | Covenant House 800-999-9999
Online Hotline Resources
SuicideHotlines.com
 
We are here to support you but I truly believe you need a professional at this point.  Keep posting as we will be right here.
 
My prayers for you.
Gentle Hugs
Kitt

 

Kitt, Moderator: Anxiety/Panic & Depression
& GERD  Forums
*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
Not a mental health professional of any kind
It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.~Mahatma Gandhi~
Clickable Link: Anxiety-Panic Resources


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40573
   Posted 8/4/2008 8:56 AM (GMT -7)   
Thirsty,

I think that Kitt is right, you need to talk to somebody. Though I must say that your creative writing is very discriptive. Like I told Dark, you could be a creative writer, but you need to funnel it into something constructive. Please call somebody for we are all worried about you. Please seek help.

Luv and hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


thirstyforchrist
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2008
Total Posts : 416
   Posted 8/4/2008 11:38 AM (GMT -7)   
I dont know what to do. I have an app with my therapist on Thursday morning. Does that count as professional help? I think I really am losin it. And what I wrote is how I feel. I dont know how to get away from this. I have sooo much to do and I cant do it. I am too depressed. And I just walk around in circles and dont get anything done. I feel so guilty about all this. I feel guilty that I am a mess and nothing helps me. My husband doesn't know what to do with me anymoe. And I cant help with that because I dont know what to do with myself. I cant do this much longer. I need some help. I am shaky and tired and I can hardly move. But I am so fake because I can act like everythings okay while the whole time I am dying on the inside. I cant even cry about this. I cant cry at all unless someone really really hurts me. I need so much help and I cant get it. I dont want to bother anyone else by asking them for help. I dont want to be like this anymore. I didn't ask for this but I cant help but think it's all my fault. Like I'm paying for all my sins. I am being punished. I am suffering for being so ugly on the inside. I cant reach out to anyone because nobody, and I do mean nobody understands this. THey just cant. It's like I am unreachable. I am all alone. I can pray and talk to God but I dont get any answers. I haven't done anything that bad. I am just moody and grumpy alot. And so I dont know why all this is happening. I just want to sleep for ever. I dont want to die. I just need to rest so desperately. I need to get better. I just dont know how to get it.
"There is hope for every man, a solid place where we can stand, in this dry in weary land, there is hope for every man... Jesus is hope for every man"  -Casting Crowns


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40573
   Posted 8/4/2008 1:58 PM (GMT -7)   
Hang on, relax. You have so much going on in your mind right now.

Yes therapy is professional help. I am so happy to know that you are going on Thursday. You will feel so much better. Be honest, no faking here, you have to let them know how you feel so they can treat you.

You are on the road to recovery now. These two posts must have made you feel a little relieved to get it out to somebody who isn't going to judge you.

You are not at fault. Depression is a disease and nobody asks for it. You will learn in therapy, different ways to think. You wont have these scarey thoughts anymore. You will be happy. I promise you. It may take a little time, don't dispair. Have faith sweetie, everything is going to be okay.

I hope that you are feeling better. I know that you are tired, this takes a lot out of us. Try to rest, maybe take a nap if you can. Just think, in three more days you will get relief. And in the meantime, keep posting, we will help you the best that we can until your appointment.

Luv and hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


thirstyforchrist
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2008
Total Posts : 416
   Posted 8/4/2008 2:51 PM (GMT -7)   
Thanks so much Karen. I dont know what I would do without this site. I am so desperate right now. I feel so sick. I dont know how long I can hang on before I go off the deep end and am totaly crazy. My husband is home now so maybe together we can make a dent in all this mess. Thanks again.
"There is hope for every man, a solid place where we can stand, in this dry in weary land, there is hope for every man... Jesus is hope for every man"  -Casting Crowns


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 8/4/2008 7:37 PM (GMT -7)   

Hello Thirsty,

I am very concerned about you.  Please stop with the "faking it behavior".  You are sick and from what I can read here you need help now.  You do not have to pretend you are ok as you will eventually have a major meltdown from pretending you are the happy face in the crowd.

Call your Doctor, go to an ER or call a freind to come over and be with you.  Call one of the crisis numbers.  Yes, sweetie, your therapist is a professional but sometimes we need help before the appointed time scheduled.

Please do  not be afraid to seek help.  I had a meltdown once and now I speak out when I am getting overwhelmed.......................many warm hugs to you and please stiack with us.

Kitt


 

Kitt, Moderator: Anxiety/Panic & Depression
& GERD  Forums
*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
Not a mental health professional of any kind
It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.~Mahatma Gandhi~
Clickable Link: Anxiety-Panic Resources


thirstyforchrist
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2008
Total Posts : 416
   Posted 8/4/2008 9:01 PM (GMT -7)   
I feel like nothing is real.  Nothing but the fear that is eating me alive.  I cant live this way.  Something has got to give.  I felt a bit better when my husband came home but he stayed on the computer so we never got to talk.  He's in the bed and so is my son so I am alone now.  I am terrified of something.  I dont know what but I am terrified of it.  I feel so crazy.  I hinted to my momma and granny and my husband about how bad I feel but I just lightly said it.  Nothing like I can say here.  They wouldn't believe me.  Because I act so fine all the time.  They all love me and care about me but I know they cant handle this.  I dont want to put it on them anyway.  Sometimes I think that they are all poisonous relationships.  They can easily manipulate me and talk me into doing things and being a certain way.  They dont mean to, they just know I'll do whatever they want.  I have broken out in some kind of rash on my neck and chest.  It itches and is kinda worrying me. Plus I had diarreah today which really scares me because I think now that I am getting sick.  I cant be sick.  If I get sick, I will be a gonner.  I will t totally check myself into a mental place.  I know I shouldn't be fake but if I told my family and showed them how I really think and feel they would commit me for sure.  Or they would think I was making it all up.  But I'm not.  I am so down and so unmotivated to do anything at all.  It took everything in me to get done what I did today.  And it was very very little compared to what I usally do.  I feel so awful, I dont want to eat.  I dont want to talk.  I dont want to do anything.  I dont know what to do.  I need some help and I dont know how to get it or what to say.  I am so lost here.  I feel cold and alone and numb.  And the numbness is what scares me the most.  I think I might die from all this.  I am serious.  I dont know what to do.  I am so scared.  I scare myself.  I dont want  to die, and I dont want to hurt myself or anyone else.  But I dont know what to do except give in and just lay in bed for days and days.  I think thats what I'll do.  Just not get up except to go to the bathroom.  If I didn't have my son that's excactly what I'd do.  If I had someone to keep him for me thats what I'd do.  But school is back in and most of my family works for the school system and cant watch him for me.  I am so lost.  I need so much help and love is not gonna save me.  I thought it would.  I thought that if my husband just would show me love I'd be okay but i'm not.  I'm far from it.  I am worse than I have ever been and nobody knows it but me.  Nobody can tell because I'm such a good actress.  Nobody would understand because nobody has been here.  And I feel so guilty for all this.  I should be happy but I'm not.  I cant just stop this like everyone thinks I can.  I cannot just call on God and have HIm come rescue me.  Because I have.  and He didn't.  I dont know what to think now.  I dont know where to go or who to go to.  I am so far from where I was.  I feel a thousand miles away from happiness and love and my family.  Even though it's all right here in this house.  I think I am losing all of it.  I think I'm gonna wake up and everything is gonna be smoldering ashes and I will be left completely alone.  I think that I am not gonna pull through this.  And I hate myself for being this way.  I hate that I cannot just snap out of it and be me again.  I hate that I am so ugly inside.  I hate that I cannot control my own mind and emotions.  I hate that I am where I am.  I hate that I put myself here.  I dont know what to do.  I dont think i can even ask for help.  I am too lost.  I am too far gone.  I am sinking lower and lower into the abiss of my own demons.  And they are winning the fight.  I am losing badly.  I am falling farther and farther away from the life I have known.  I am spinning into oblivion and it's not a pretty place to be.  I am crazy and I know it.  I am gone and I know it.  I am dying and I know it.

"There is hope for every man, a solid place where we can stand, in this dry in weary land, there is hope for every man... Jesus is hope for every man"  -Casting Crowns


thirstyforchrist
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2008
Total Posts : 416
   Posted 8/5/2008 7:40 AM (GMT -7)   
Hey yall,
Im sorry about all this bleak stuff. I am just so lost and I still dont know what to do. I am going to go try and get something done around my house. My husband made me a list of errands that have to get done so I'm not looking foward to that at all. I dont know that I'll be able to do anything after that. I dont know what to do. I just want to stay in bed forever and ever.
 


epvitale
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2008
Total Posts : 8
   Posted 8/5/2008 8:46 AM (GMT -7)   
Thirsty,

Please get some help. I am so glad that you are seeing your therapist on Thursday. If you really need to talk you may want to see if you can see them earlier. Hold on and hang in there. We have all been there (and are still there sometimes) and we are all here for you.

On the positive side, all I can say is WOW! Your initial post was fantastic writing!! Dark, yes. That's okay because it represents how you feel and any feelings you have are valid and should not be ignored or chastised. From a creative standpoint it was amazing! You have a real talent Thirsty. It was descriptive and emotive. I vividly pictured everything you wrote.

Be proud that God has blessed you with this muse.

I will keep you in my heart, thoughts and prayers, my dear

You will be okay.

EP
"I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be." - Douglas Adams


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40573
   Posted 8/5/2008 10:25 AM (GMT -7)   
Thirsty,

Epvitale is right, about your creative writing, maybe that would be your inspiration. Try writing some more on paper. Then try writing positive things too. The beauty of the earth, the clouds, the trees, whatever comes to mind.

You will get through this and we are here for you. Don't ever forget that.

But when you go to therapy, tell them everything that you are feeling, they wont commit you or anything, they will just help you.

luv and hugs, Karen...
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


thirstyforchrist
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2008
Total Posts : 416
   Posted 8/5/2008 8:51 PM (GMT -7)   
I am still so down. I cannot see the light from where I am. I am fading fast nobody knows it but me. I am scared of what I might do to myself. I am so scared. I just want to sleep. I just want to go far away and sleep forever. I dont know what I'm gonna do. I honestly dont even want to live now. I wont do anything though because I dont want to cause my family any pain. And I dont want my son growing up without a mother. Even though I am no good mother because of all this. I am so tired all the time. I am dying. Nobody believes me but I know I am.
 


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40573
   Posted 8/5/2008 9:00 PM (GMT -7)   
Depression and anxiety can make you feel like you are dieing, but you are not. The hard part is living, just hold on. Maybe take a nap and see if you feel better. Allow yourself to rest. Allow yourself to go to bed if that is what you want. You will feel better after you rest your mind.

I know it is only two days until you get help. So hang in there. You can do this.

hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


thirstyforchrist
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2008
Total Posts : 416
   Posted 8/6/2008 7:37 AM (GMT -7)   
Karen,
Thanks for being here for me. IT really means alot to me. I am going to make today a good day. It's cloudy outside and for some reason that always motivates me to get stuff done inside. Weird huh? I have to work tonight so I am going to be posative all day and hope for the best. Thanks again. I really do appriciate all the help I get here from you and others. Will be on throughout the day to help and be helped. Love to you all!
Rachel
 


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40573
   Posted 8/6/2008 8:20 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Rachel,

I am so happy that you are feeling better today. One more day to counseling, I can't wait to find out how that goes. Keep up the good work my friend. You are going to be truly blessed. So keep the faith my dear.

Take care, keep posting,

luv and hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 8/6/2008 5:09 PM (GMT -7)   

Rachel,

I thought your writing was good too and I like reading dark material as long as I do not suspect it is a cryptic message to us. :)

I just posted to your thread above.

Kitt

 


tryin
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2008
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 8/25/2008 6:52 PM (GMT -7)   
Wow, I could have written your post..........how are you now?  I'm so stuck there.....like i'm drowning.  it sucks

dysthymia
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2008
Total Posts : 79
   Posted 8/26/2008 7:50 AM (GMT -7)   
Dear thirsty for Christ,I feel I can relate to your present sadness and desperation:the feeling that you are unworthy,that there's nothing wrong with you anyway(just trying to get attention),that putting on such a good face that people assume you're functioning normally.Oh.of course there's that horrible feeling that you're so loathsome even God couldn't love you(I hope I don't offend you by making a reference to Christ;perhaps I wrongly inferred that you were a Christian,given your username.)And then,of course there's the endless apologising,sorry I'm ill,sorry I'm using up oxygen that a more worthy life-form could be using,etc etc.
Your later posts sound a little more hopeful----has your therapist/doctor helped you to see at least a little light in the darkness?I'm seeing my doctor tomorrow,and hope some adjustments to my many medications will do something to alleviate what feels like real despair at the moment.You may find it hard to believe right now,but you have every right to be happy.I hope you're getting the help you need.
Sorry if I have said anything amiss.I have shocking insomnia,so if there is any comfort I can give you,or if you just want to shoot the breeze,feel free--I'm awake more often than not.The internet is an amazing thing.
I wish you peace and healing

snowflake
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2007
Total Posts : 595
   Posted 8/26/2008 8:32 AM (GMT -7)   
Hello Rachel,I`m sorry but what you wrote really frightened me .I see so much of what i have and am going through in your words .I think everyone does it`s that sort of disease that robs us of all sense of reality .
You said up there that when your hubby wrote a list of things to do you felt a bit better it gave you a sence of having something to do something you needed to accomplish .
Try each day to write your own list but don`t overload it with too many things i have done this and it does help to see the things that need to be done just around the house and at the end of the day to feel good that you atleast accomplished some of those tasks if not all of them .
Being in such a dark place it`s really hard to get out but the good news is you have that appointment to attend and if you are turly honest with your therapist then i`m sure you will get the help you need .
I still to this day hide my depression from everyone not because i`m ashamed of it but because i think people won`t understand it and how it affects me .I know after all these years my family do not understand and will never .
Remember there is light at the end of that long tunnel but sometimed it`s dimmer switch had been turned down a tad .Keep fighting it`s a long slow road ahead
Jane
~  we can not judge anyone unless we have walked in their shoes and have live through what they live through ~


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 8/26/2008 3:25 PM (GMT -7)   

Hello Rachel,

From the recent posts you have been doing much better and I am so happy.  You have been offering so much support to me and to others.  You are truly making grand progess.

Please know I am here and  you are moving on as I knew you would. smilewinkgrin

Hugs
Kitt


 

Kitt, Moderator: Anxiety/Panic & Depression
& GERD  Forums
*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
Not a mental health professional of any kind
It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.~Mahatma Gandhi~
Clickable Link: Anxiety-Panic Resources


SpiritualStuffing
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2008
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 8/28/2008 5:09 AM (GMT -7)   
thirstyforchrist said...
sad   I am helpless right now.  Helpless hopeless, lost.  I just need to write all this down so maybe I can get something done around my house.
 
     I see myself on the edge of a rugged cliff.  There is a terrintial storm all around me and the winds just keep coming my way trying to push me over the edge.  At the bottom of this cliff is jagged rocks and a wild frenzy of ocean making it's way towards the rocks.  I am chained to this cliff, iron shackles on my wrists and ankles.  I can fall, but I'll just dangle above the chaos below me. There are dark masses all around me that were people.  THeir faces have turned black.  I cant see their features any longer which makes them seem to be demons.  They can only come so close to me and then they are swept away by random tornadoes.  Sometimes the storm ceases and the sun peaks out from behind the dark clouds in the angry sky.  But just as soon as I see the light, thunder rolls and the ravenous sea below becons me to come.  I try to jump but the shackles just hold me in my desperate situation.  I cry out but the billows of wind carry my small voice far far away.  I wonder if anyone hears me, I wonder if I will ever be found. I wonder when the demon that bound me will come back and devour me with his starving crooked teeth.  I would rather be devoured now but the demon is having fun torturing me.  Seeing me struggle and cry.  My tears are blood now.  The sea is blood.  Blood from the millions of corpses this demon has already swallowed and spit out.  I cannot be free.  Their are keys all around me but none of them unlock my rusty confines.  I am desperate now.  I am starving for some affection that may turn into the golden key that will be my release.  I cant find anyone.  All I can hear is the haughty laughter of the dark demon with embers for eyes.  He is laughing hysterically.  He is coming for me. I am trying to get free with all my might.  But he is too close, so close I can smell his rancid breath that he is releasing into my ears.  He is here with me now.  He whispers in my ear that I can be free.  All I have to do is take this key in his hand and unlock myself.  I take the key and it turns to a dark and emaciated woman.  Her stringy black hair flys wildly in the wind.  I know that to be free I must become like her.  So I do.

:-)
 

Wow! Rachel!

This is some pretty awesome writing!

It can really be very inspiring.

It makes me wonder what is happening on the other side of the stormy seas.

 

I imagine a humble herdsman toiling in the field when he hears a faint cry in the wind.

He rushes back to the stables and musters his kinsmen.

They saddle up, thunder across the grassy vale and then up to the summit of the distant mountain.

From there they see the stormy seas and decide to make camp.

They will start building ships in the morning.

 

Do you think you can visualize and write this side of the story?

Can you imagine and write how this story unfolds from other possible perspectives?

 

What does the dark demon and his key represent?

Who does the dark, emaciated woman represent?

 

Just curious.
 
:-)  
 
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