Welcome to HealingWell. I am Kitt. I am so glad you found this wonderful forum where members care about each other and share and support.
I hope you continue to fight this awful depression and that you know talking to us is a good thing. There is something comforting about baring your soul to the members of the Depression Forum and still being able to be anonymous.
Have you ever tried journaling your thoughts? Journaling Tips that may help you.
1.Set your journal where you will see it everyday, i.e., on your nightstand, at your desk, where you have coffee. This will help to remind you to journal.
2.Part of keeping a journal, is not skipping a day, a week, and even months.
3.Writing a word, sentences, or paragraphs, journaling whatever you have to say that day is just the right amount to write.
4.Journal whatever is important for you to write about right then and there. I've journaled about a fabulous day I have had, my concerns about a friendship, my dreams for the future.
5.Keeping your journal private. That can mean setting boundaries with those in your home, it may mean hiding it, or locking it away. You will have to make an individual decision about what that means to you.
6.Re-read your journal or not. Rarely do I re-read my journals. Some people always read what they have written. Again it is a personal choice.
7.Remember to use your journal for your benefit and well being, what ever that that means to you. Keeping a journal is a powerful tool that you can give to yourself everyday. Plus, this creates time for you every day.
Also is there any chance you can see your therapist more often? I do hope you are talking to your therapist and sharing your thoughts. I hope your relationship with your therapist is a trust relationship.
I am posting a couple of crisis hot lines for you. Please do not hesitate to use them.
The Samaritans 0845 790 9090
The US Suicide Hotline 1-800-784-2433
NDMDA Depression Hotline | Support Group. 800-826-3632
Suicide Prevention Services Crisis Hotline 800-784-2433
Suicide Prevention Services Depression Hotline 630-482-9696
Suicide & Depression Hotline | Covenant House 800-999-9999
Please keep looking for the light at the end of the tunnel, it is there and it is all of us holding candles to light your way.