Just two weeks ago I was happy...functional, everything. Nothing CHANGED. Nothing HAPPENED. But now it's 1:00 am and I can't sleep anymore, and my mind is crashing out of control. I can't stop thinking
I keep listening to the same song over and over again. (Lenda, by Ceu) And every second after everyone has gone to bed my mind cannot focus on anything but my mingling mantra-- "It could all be over tomorrow. It could all be over tomorrow."
All the while I have this image in my mind of myself laying on asphault as far as the eye can see with no one around, no sun in the sky but it's pale, pale, blue and blindingly hot. My fingers are clutching at the ground but there's nothing, not even a crack. There's all this space but I can't run and all my mind can think about
is how pretty the heat waves look. And then a storm comes up suddenly and the sky darkens winds howl but I'm still just clutching at the ground and thinking about
how pretty the thunder sounds and how the black asphault looks like a black sea with rain being pelted down on it. I can feel how my cotton shirt gets weighed down with water and how it clings to my skin and I can feel myself thinking how unfortunate it is that I chose to wear a white shirt, but that it doesn't really matter because no one is around. I can feel how my finger tips are pink and raw struggling to grip the perfectly flat unmarred ground, I can see my chipped nailpolish (white) in contrast to the ground. I'm not wearing nailpolish, don't own a bottle but I can see it. I can see that world through eyes with eyelashes weighed down with rain drops, sparkly yet painful to the eyes. I can feel my feet grow wrinkled from the soggy drenched socks I am wearing.
I can't stop thinking. But these thoughts don't even feel like mine, it's as if they've just appeared and taken over my life. All I feel is the WEIGHT in my shoulder and arms and even now my fingers are the only extensions that I don't have to struggle to find motivation to use. I can't stop thinking and I haven't slept in days. No more than three hours.
I have no idea what to do or why this is happening.
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Post Edited By Moderator (ShynSassy) : 8/8/2008 5:33:27 AM (GMT-6)