End of Rope with depressed fiance

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Hemi
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2008
Total Posts : 5
   Posted 8/9/2008 7:22 AM (GMT -7)   
Hello,

I have dealt with depression myself for a long time. I started therapy when I was 23 because I figured out that something was just wrong with me. I was never happy. Eventually I started medication. I'm 37 now, just stopped medication (lexapro), and see a therapist about twice a month. The therapy I've just grown to like. I don't consider myself depressed now and see life as an opportunity.

Now with that said, I've been living with my boyfriend for four years. His depression goes in cycles, sometimes he is great other times he is really down. The cycles run over apprx 4 to 6 weeks at a time. So it has taken me a long time to see the pattern. For ages I have begged him to see a therapist. He has refused to go or once when he did go only went to pacify me and didn't really reveal to the therapist how he was feeling.

He is in a really bad down cycle at the moment. He had me take him to the psych hospital. He was admitted for the night released the next day and now he is in a series of evaluations to determine what is going on.

For years I have tried to be the caring, helpful partner. He doesn't want to see his son (who lives with his ex-wife). At times he doesn't want any help from me at all (like getting him to appointments). He just wants to wallow in his own self-hating feelings. I am finding him impossible to deal with. As a result I am becoming more angry by the day. I'm really pissed off as I write. It's like I don't have a partner, I have a child.

I know what it is like to be where he is. I do. I'm just at a point where I don't want to deal this anymore. I've worked for a long time to be mentally healthy and still have my own issues. Being around him is threatening to suck me down into the depression vortex.

When he is in an up cycle - he is so the man I want to be with. He is a good father. He was in an up cycle recently when he proposed. I said yes, but now I am seriously rethinking. I don't want a life dealing with this madness. I've have to remind myself that depression is a disease but it is hard remembering that at times.

Neither of us is in a position to move financially. I'm really afraid he will hurt himself if I move. (Not sure if he will do anything). I totally love his son. My biological clock is ticking. What do I do? How do I handle this?

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40595
   Posted 8/9/2008 8:01 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Hemi,

Welcome to HealingWell depression forum. It is great to hear from you. You have come to a good place where all of the members are so kind and compassionate. There is no judging going on here and I think that you will be happy that you joined.

The most important thing is to not let him pull you down, so continue working on yourself. Hopefully he will follow what you are doing. You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink. That is an old saying but so true. All you can do is send him in the right direction but you can't make him seek help. I know how hard it is honey, and I can clearly see he needs to address his own issues and get the help that he needs.

If he doesn't start spending time with his son, he will end up regretting it in the long run. Which is very sad to me. I truly hope that he will see a counselor or a doctor as needed.

In the meantime, keep posting. We are here for you and will listen and give advice as we see fit. A lot of us have experienced what you are going through. There is another post on the same thing that you are experiencing so read read read. You will see how others deal with this particular situation.

I wish you the best with all of this. Try to stay relaxed, and like I said, keep working on you. Hopefully he will come around and see that he needs some serious help and take the initiative to help himself.

Keep posting and let us know what is going on with you. We are always here for you.

Sending you (((((hugs)))))

Karen...
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


JD68
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2008
Total Posts : 205
   Posted 8/9/2008 8:25 AM (GMT -7)   
Welcome Hemi-

I too am going through what you are although I do not have depression my husband does. He too goes up and down....what a ride it has been! I totally understand how you feel when you say you cannot take it anymore, as I am very much feeling the same way. I do everything alone and take care of everything around the house including him.......It gets exhausting and I too am very angry. I resent him m ost times these days as he just takes and takes and has given me nothng in return.

With that being said. You need to think about your own well being and your future. Do what's right for you and only you........Life is to short to not enjoy it that is for sure. Hang in there and please do not hesitate to keep posting when you feel you need someone to talk to. You will always find someone to listen and understand.

Take care.....Jenn

Hemi
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2008
Total Posts : 5
   Posted 8/9/2008 9:01 AM (GMT -7)   
Thanks Jenn and Karen.

Jenn - I've read the thread you started on something similar.

Since I'm not married, technically I can walk away. But when he is at his best, he's the man I want. It's so aggravating. Am i being naive that maybe things will get better since he is now getting serious help?

m

JD68
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2008
Total Posts : 205
   Posted 8/9/2008 10:13 AM (GMT -7)   
I do not think you're naive at all......but keep in mind this likely will be a lifelong affliction with probably times of relapse. Now if he continues to actively seek treatment and has a strong desire to not feel that way I believe you have hope. My situation is difficult in that he has not yet actively sought treatment in the last few years in spite of meds starting to not be effective. That's when you have a tough decision to make, which is what I am going through at the moment.

Hang in there and do not lose yourself in all of this.......This is going to take time and the road will be rought for awhile, but you will know if you are willing to hang in there and you will also know when you have had enough and need to move on. I hope for your sake it's that you hang in there and he gets well again so you can have some normalcy in your life.

Keep us posted.........I will keep you in my thoughts!!

-Jenn

LoveSpouse
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2008
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 9/16/2008 3:29 PM (GMT -7)   

I am married to a man who has depression, has been diagnosed twice in three years, takes meds, but still lives in denial that he has depression or that it impacts the way he behaves or that it has an impact on me.

My advice is to stand firm that you can not be with this person unless he will take care of his depression.

I am mad at the universe, in a general way, that my husband has depression.  It's not fair, and I feel great compassion that he has to suffer in this way.  However, I am mad at my husband that he does not take the appropriate steps to cure his disease.

I have been married for 9 years, and I have a 5 year old.  I am considering leaving, and have given my husband a timeline as to when I will leave if he does not get his act together.

It is not easy being married to a depressed person, and it IS important to feel compassion for those who are suffering from disease.  But please be sure that he does not drag you down with him.  In my humble, unprofessional opinion, without commitment to change, your husband could be dangerous for YOUR mental health.  I too mother my husband, and it makes us both bitter and angry.  Do not allow yourself to fall into that trap; stop it now, before it continues.

I wish you all the best - good luck to you.


Hemi
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2008
Total Posts : 5
   Posted 9/17/2008 7:56 AM (GMT -7)   
Everyone,

Thanks for the feedback.

Here's an update. I picked up Anne Sheffield's book, Depression Fallout. As a result I've been attending the Mood Disorder Support Group here in NYC. My boyfriend/fiance has attended a few meetings as well - to my surprise.

The Group is fantastic. I attend the friends and family group while my bf goes to the one for the depressed. One, I get to hear stories from others and lets me know I am not unique in my situation. Two, they offer great information on how to cope and deal with the situation at hand.

I laid down some ground rules with my bf and he has agreed to meet them. In the coming weeks I have to judge his level of commitment.

I admit at times I forget I am dealing with a depressed person. Unfortunately this means dealing with a different set of when it comes to interpersonal relationships. When he talks negatively about himself, my first reaction is to put a positive swing on it. Now I have to really think about how to phrase things when I want to be supportive.

stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 9/17/2008 8:02 PM (GMT -7)   

Hemi,

Welcome to HealingWell and I am so happy to read the steps you have taken to resolve you issues.  Wow, I am so proud of you and your a newbie but what great insite you have into your own issues.

You are being proactive, congratulations to you.  I think you are going to be fine but please remember we are all here to support you.

Sincerely
Kitt


 

Kitt, Moderator: Anxiety/Panic & Depression
& GERD  Forums
*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
Not a mental health professional of any kind
It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.~Mahatma Gandhi~
Clickable Link: Anxiety-Panic Resources


lovemybed
New Member


Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 6
   Posted 10/2/2008 8:08 PM (GMT -7)   
Hemi,

I know that you are confused. I know that you are wondering what to do. Remember your bf didn't ask for his depression, if he could choose to be better he probably would. I have anxiety attacks/panic attacks and depression. I was diagnosed four years ago. I am on my second relaspe with depression right now which is going on three months. I take meds and try to function but it is very difficult. I am a mother and trust me if I could just stop feeling this way I would. I can't sleep at night and since I have kids I only sleep for couple hours a day. Just remember that he is going through alot and doesn't probably tell you everything that he is feeling. When you have this it is hard to function and live a normal life. So what I say is this STAND BY YOUR MAN!!!! I know its hard but would you walk away from him if god for bid he had cancer. NO! He needs you more than you think.
Good Luck

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40595
   Posted 10/3/2008 1:27 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Lovemybed,

I just wanted to welcome you to the depression forum. Thank you for giving the advice that you gave. We all try to help eachother and I think that is what makes this forum so good.

Keep posting and also there is an introduction post if you would like to tell us a little about yourself.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 10/3/2008 2:44 PM (GMT -7)   

Hi lovemybed

Welcome to HealingWell.  I am glad to see you found us.  As Karen mentioned we do have a thread for new members to introuce themselves if you wouldlike to.

I will bump it up so you can find it easier.

Take care and please continue to post.

Kitt


 

Kitt, Moderator: Anxiety/Panic & Depression
& GERD  Forums
*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
Not a mental health professional of any kind
It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.~Mahatma Gandhi~
Clickable Link: Anxiety-Panic Resources

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