I need a friend, im so scared!

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''Tunny''
Regular Member


Date Joined Jan 2008
Total Posts : 43
   Posted 8/9/2008 8:10 AM (GMT -7)   
I've been on here before as i'm the ex-partner of my soul mate who suffers from Bp, you won't recognise my log-on though as I used to go on the Bipolar Forum. I've not used the site for sometime as I wanted her to have privacy and be able to turn to others who had been in her shoes and that could speak from experience. Anyway i'm back because she says I need to find help and suggested I came on here the depression page now that she is'nt using the site at all. She ended our relationship yesterday saying she does'nt remember how it feels to love or be in a relationship.
 
I feel so stupid coming on here, I feel like someone walking into a hospital ward full of patients suffering from cancer and all I've got wrong is a stomach ache or something. I have the upmost respect and understanding for a suffer of Bp, the daily battle and the longing for normality. Please don't be angry with me for this post I don't have anywhere else to turn and i'm so scared.
 
The only friend I have in this world is my ex and I can see the pain in her eyes at the moment, I don't want to let her down anymore by holding her back from where she belongs. I'm not worthy of her friendship I would rather hurt myself than for her to see what's left of me.
 
I don't even know what to write. I failed at supporting her as a partner, I want to be the best man I can for her now; she wants a friendship but i'll mess that up too. I just need a friend but I can't turn to my best friend anymore because I can't let her see me not being strong.
 
I just wish it was me with Bp and not my dream come true.
 
I hurt everyone I love.
 
Why her, why did'nt I try harder, how did she forget what it felt like to be loved.
 
My hearts with her, I wish for her sake I did'nt love her.
 
I want to run and hide but I want to know she will be safe, I want her to be proud of me, I miss my best friend, I miss LOVE
 
 
 
I can't do this

 
Tunny
 
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''Tunny''
Regular Member


Date Joined Jan 2008
Total Posts : 43
   Posted 8/9/2008 8:17 AM (GMT -7)   
I text my ex that I managed to leave a post... She replied ''Good Good''... I can't stop crying... I want to get better and be there for her... I want to be strong.... I don't want her to see me like this... I want to make her proud... I want my best friend back but so scared of her seeing this... I want to stop making her life difficult and her to love me again.
 
Tunny
 
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getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40573
   Posted 8/9/2008 9:47 AM (GMT -7)   
You will be just fine, you might need to seek counseling to get through this, dealing with somebody who is depressed or has bipolar disorder is hard. You can't hold yourself responsible for her problems. You have not failed her, you have been there for her and gotten her help more than once. So you have been a Godsend to her. And I am sure she realizes that. You are playing the blame game and feeling guilty when you don't need to. Know that you have been kind to her and there for her in many situations and it is up to her to get some help.

Keep posting, we are here for you.

Hugs, Karen...
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


scrapbooklady
New Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 8/9/2008 10:51 AM (GMT -7)   
I understand your need for a friend.  I too am in a relationship that I don't know were it is going.  We have been married 25 years and now he is someone else and doesnt seem to have any real freelings for me.  He says he loves me, but he has changed his life and started doing destructive things to himself.  He also is on a forum and has made these people an important part of his life.  I feel more important than me.  We are in Maui on what is suppose to be a vacation to reconnect.  In someways we have but I fear it is more on a sexual level.  To love someone so much and then to have them feeling like they no longer want them in your life is devasting.  I know how you feel.  Patience is hard to have.  Everyone is telling me to be strong and act as if I can live without him. He has been the center of my life all these years.  How do I step away and be independent when we have shared everything?  He is going to the UK to see these people.  I don't understand this either and he is going without me.  I know how lonely you feel.  Hang in there.

Scrapbooklady


''Tunny''
Regular Member


Date Joined Jan 2008
Total Posts : 43
   Posted 8/9/2008 12:37 PM (GMT -7)   
karen,
Thanks for your kind words again. Rest assured I will be seeking the help I need that is three of you who have suggested it now (one of whom being my ex). It's so easy to blame myself when I see her in such pain and feel so helpless. I want to continue being there for her but at the same time not smothering her as i have so many times in the past. I did fail her by not listening to how I made things more difficult for her. I just pray that now that I have learnt my errors it is not too late for us. This could be an opportunity to learn by my mistakes and for us to begin again. This time with my ears open and ready to step back when she needs her space. Time will tell but im determined to get my feet back on the ground so that im not letting her down. I will go see the doctor on my camp and seek the help i need to suceed and be strong again being the best man I can for her.
Thank you
 Tunny
 
Trying to win back and support my Ex-Partner (Bipolar sufferer)
Depression 
Newly diagnosed with Chronic Pain
 
Help support the forums so they can support you:  http://www.healingwell.com/donate


''Tunny''
Regular Member


Date Joined Jan 2008
Total Posts : 43
   Posted 8/9/2008 1:03 PM (GMT -7)   
Scrapbooklady,
Thankyou for your reply, hey were not alone but still it feels like this could never happen to anyone else I know. Please don't be offended but it's good to read others stories and realise that your partner is'nt the only one displaying such behaviour. As I said in my long post earlier today my partner prior to addmission into hospital spent every living minute with her friends, escaping the reality of what was happening to her. I now understand that it was her way of not facing what was happening to her. Let's face it what 20yr old wants to face that they can hear voices in there head. But now although she is struggling and i'll admit i'm worried sick knowing she is verging on a state of mania even with the return of the voices; I think I now understand even though it may be too late for us. My ex does'nt use a forum anymore instead she gets her support from two friends who shared her experience during her time in hospital. At times i've felt gutted that she seems to spend every living moment with them recently and constantly letting me down on our plans. But now I realsie it has been her escape and time for space. She spends time being understood by them in a way I geuss I never will manage. She helps them through their own trials and daily struggle associated with being dealt the hand of a mental illness. I wish I had accepted this earlier and been more understanding to her needs regarding these friends and the closeness they share through personal experience. I know just how hard it is to try and support someone who seems to throw everything you offer and do back in your face. I've sat here sobbing my eyes out for 24hrs now. People around me seem to find it hard to understand that someone can be worth that. Well all I say to myself is that unless pushed into our shoes they will never know. Between me and the love I lost from her, there is a series of obstacles, there is nothing I want more, no obstacles i've ever faced less daunting. My decision is to be me, to have and do something out of the ordinary although facing difficulties and challenges that are greater than anyone else can imagine. Her love is worth it. Don't listen to others if you want to make it through it and live from now till the day after eternity together then go for it. Don't make the same mistake i did and loose it before reaching the best part. You tell me to hang in there do the same if he is worth it to you!!
Keep in touch and thankyou
 Tunny
 
Trying to win back and support my Ex-Partner (Bipolar sufferer)
Depression 
Newly diagnosed with Chronic Pain
 
Help support the forums so they can support you:  http://www.healingwell.com/donate


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40573
   Posted 8/9/2008 1:18 PM (GMT -7)   
I have to be honest here and tell both of you that you need to be happy with yourself as a person before you can help anybody else. Both of you have devoted yourselves to another person without thinking about yourselves first. This is so important as a human being for recovery. In order for you to be happy in any relationship, you both have to love yourselves.

I hope that I haven't made either of you feel bad, but you can't live your lives waiting for somebody else to change. You can still be there, but in the meantime work on being you. You are both wonderful human beings and you both deserve to be happy and that comes from within yourselves.

Best wishes for a wonderful day, both of you...

Hugs, Karen...
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


''Tunny''
Regular Member


Date Joined Jan 2008
Total Posts : 43
   Posted 8/9/2008 1:43 PM (GMT -7)   
Karen,
I've heard similar words with the same meaning before the scary thing is it was from my ex last night. Your both right and as i'm learning to realise it's oh so true. It's been hard to love myself when the only person I have in my life seemed not to. I sit here praying it was the illness blocking that, but as time passes the way i've being hating myself and my reactions to times of difficulty so much can't have made it easy. Time to get me back to being me again and see if it restores what she has lost within. I think the quote goes “You must love yourself before you love another. By accepting yourself and fully being what you are, your simple presence can make others happy.” Maybe it's time I listened and remembered what my ex fell for ME she taught me to be me again! It takes so much courage to be me, but Its time I found it.
Thank you for opening my eyes
 Tunny
 
Trying to win back and support my Ex-Partner (Bipolar sufferer)
Depression 
Newly diagnosed with Chronic Pain
 
Help support the forums so they can support you:  http://www.healingwell.com/donate


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40573
   Posted 8/9/2008 3:42 PM (GMT -7)   
You are so very welcome. And it wont be long and you will be happy again. Be good to yourself. Another thing that will help you is to be in the present. Not in the future, not in the past, but in the present. I have said this before, there is a saying that goes: Yesterday is history, tomorrow a mystery. Today is a gift, that's why it's called the present. If your ex told you what you said she did about finding you again. I think that she really cares. So there is another goal for you.

Best wishes for a wonderful evening.

Hugs, Karen...
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


''Tunny''
Regular Member


Date Joined Jan 2008
Total Posts : 43
   Posted 8/10/2008 3:19 AM (GMT -7)   
karen,
I live in the u.k. so have just got out of bed and woken up to your message waiting for me. I like that saying it makes you stop and think. I'm beginning to finally have the motivation to return back to work tonight for my night shift and face the world. My ex says I dwell in self pitty and if I don't help myself then there is no point in anyone else trying. I understand now that she is oh so right and although I sit back worrying about her coping stratergies now I can see she has the right idea. I have been making life so hard for her during her difficult time by keeping her in the past, she needed to move on to the now to live it the way she knows she must. Now by me learning to do the same I will be becoming a better person and be able to offer her more than the memories I clutch so tightly. I understand now that I need to get myself sorted, face it, deal with my problems and then and only then could a future involving her be possible. Why doe's it always take me to loose her to realise my mistakes?
Your a star
 Tunny
 Treat people as if they were what they ought to be
and you help them to become what they are capable of being
 
Trying to be me so she can find me & I can support my Ex-Partner    - Bipolar Forum
Depression    - Depression Forum                 
Newly diagnosed with Chronic Pain    - Chronic Pain Forum
 
 


''Tunny''
Regular Member


Date Joined Jan 2008
Total Posts : 43
   Posted 8/10/2008 7:57 AM (GMT -7)   
I'm off to get ready for work for first time in 3 weeks, ready for a 12hr night shift. Thankyou for all your support and giving me the courage to face this and start dealing with it.
 Tunny
 Treat people as if they were what they ought to be
and you help them to become what they are capable of being
 
Trying to be me so she can find me & I can support my Ex-Partner    - Bipolar Forum
Depression    - Depression Forum                 
Newly diagnosed with Chronic Pain    - Chronic Pain Forum
 
 


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40573
   Posted 8/10/2008 11:07 AM (GMT -7)   
Tunny,

You keep refering to your mistakes. I don't see mistakes, I just see learning experiences. Don't be so hard on yourself. You are a good person.

Luv and hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


''Tunny''
Regular Member


Date Joined Jan 2008
Total Posts : 43
   Posted 8/11/2008 6:41 AM (GMT -7)   
:-)
 Tunny
 Treat people as if they were what they ought to be
and you help them to become what they are capable of being
 
Trying to be me so she can find me & I can support my Ex-Partner    - Bipolar Forum
Depression    - Depression Forum                 
Newly diagnosed with Chronic Pain    - Chronic Pain Forum
 
 


''Tunny''
Regular Member


Date Joined Jan 2008
Total Posts : 43
   Posted 8/11/2008 7:14 AM (GMT -7)   
I was wondering if It would be a good idea to send a letter via my ex's support worker, explaining all my feelings my errors and feelings. then he can decide what is best for her at the moment and ever read it / give it to her when the time is right weather that be next week, a month or never. I just don't want to drag her down but want her to know. What do you think? Can you think of a better idea or anyother suggestions? I want to protect her from me messing this up!
 Tunny
 Treat people as if they were what they ought to be
and you help them to become what they are capable of being
 
Trying to be me so she can find me & I can support my Ex-Partner    - Bipolar Forum
Depression    - Depression Forum                 
Newly diagnosed with Chronic Pain    - Chronic Pain Forum
 
 

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