I wish I was strong enough to tell her this!!

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''Tunny''
Regular Member


Date Joined Jan 2008
Total Posts : 43
   Posted 8/9/2008 8:14 AM (GMT -7)   
I know this is'nt the Bipolar forum but i'm so depressed and since writting the post previous I have decided to write my story and put down in this post the things I wish i could say to my ExPartner who suffers from Bipolar, the things I wish I could have changed and how I wish i could have been a better man...
 
My story started in Jan 2007, i was a young 25yr old in the Army with two children having just come out of a messy marriage and completely lost in the world. I had lost all hope and was sitting in my room on camp with nothing to my name other than two bin bags and memories. The guy in the next room came in just as I was sat there ready to attempt suicide. He dragged me out to a local quiet pub and spent the time listening and picking me up. He asked if he could borrow my mobile as I got up to use the toilet. On my return he threw back my mobile and said ''there you go sorted''. The next minute I got a text from XXX, he had set us up and it started. The next day he made an excuse to go where she worked on camp with me in tow. He showed me a picture of her on the staff wall and I could'nt believe my eyes (I won't repeat on here what I said :-) ) The next moment XXX walked around the corner and for the first time our eyes caught sight of eachother. She was the most stunning woman I had ever met. We spoke about two akward sentences and I skipped away having arranged our first date for that evening. I will never forget her walk, what she was wearing or how i felt seeing her walking down that road towards me where we had arranged to meet, she was my idealwoman that I had pictured since being a young boy. The date went perfectly and I finally managed to ease to difficulty by texting her across the pool table as we played the evening away. Stupid I know but it eased us and it began... Since that night we never spent an evening apart, living everyminute learning all about eachother and falling deeper and deeper into the fantastic love we were creating. I never believed in love at first sight but i do now! It was a fairytale and proof that dreams do come true. I moved in with her and her parents getting back on my own two feet and she taught me how to be me again for the first time in 7yrs. I have brilliant memories of sitting her in a puddle walking home one day :-) getting home soaked and her mum shouting at us both over our laughter. I remember the days spent out with my children the fun and the way she helped me get them back in my life. The holiday to skegness and being completely alone on the beach collecting shells together ''Good find baby''. I remember the time I proposed to her in a nite club when the dj stopped the music and I wound her up (God I was in trouble the next morning). I remember the love and nothing being beyond our reach. She taught me so much and how i'd never found love before that moment and that being me was something. She was my angel sent from heaven.
 
In Aug 2007 we started looking for our own place, thats when it started. She started displaying severe mood swings and started being distant. Was it a good idea moving, one moment it was all she wanted the next I worried I was pushing her. Things evened out and we found a place. Moved in in Sept 2007... kitting our own place out was brilliant we had made it ready to live our dream thinking of marriage about 2yrs down the line and possibility of having our own children. She was happy and I was living a dream. After living on our own for a month or so she started going out more and more with her friends and I started worrying about her need for drink. driving her to work drunk and depression eatting her away. Her family were brilliant and helped me guide her to get help and keep her safe. She kept falling deeper and before she managed to get help she had drunk all our savings and spent most of her time out till god knows when in the morning. She started getting fed up with my worry and concern and moved into the spare room ending our relationship. The following weeks included attempts on her life and watching her loosing weight and all respect for herself. Things got worse and worse untill one night I confronted her wanting answers of what she had been up to.... She had a breakdown. One thing led to another and the day came in Nov 2007 that we had to get her to a crisis unit. I will never forget the pain of leaving a loved one in a hospital like that, god I was scared to death walking in seeing others suffering and not being able to keep her safe. She got the help she needed so badly the satff were brilliant and got the dx of Bipolar with phycosis. I went there everyday and did all i could. I was the best man I could be for her. I acted as the friend she asked of me, got as involved as I could on ward rounds and quizzed the staff for as much knowledge as I could.
 
I realised that her fellow suffers that she spent her days with were the best group of people I had ever met. I realised that the despite all that life had thrown their way they dealt with it and fought on. I met some good people and started to get hope back. She came home for a couple of trials throughout her crisis but everytime the medication was just not right and despite her trying all her best her medication was failing her. We had got our relationship back on track around christmas time the future was looking good again ( we got her out for the day and spent christmas together)... It was short lived in Mar 2008 she called off the relationship again and told me her decision to fight for supported housing and to go it alone. I understood why she needed to do it alone and stepped back. In April she was discharged and went into supported lodgings whilst the council got her sorted. She turned to me again and we started spending some brilliant evenings catching up and restoring a friendship. Not long after speaking with her support worker she told me that she had broken up with me because she did'nt want to hurt me anymore and that she really did love me. Life was great we were back on track. She moved in with her parents again while she did what she needed to do and plans were put in place for her to return home with me once she had sorted her battle. We went on holiday and I tried to get used to dealing with the highs and lows. I wanted it to work more than anything.
 
The past month or so has been hard, in her words... '' I can't seperate her from her illness'' ''I can't understand she can have a bad day without it being Bp'' ''I don't treat her normally''. She has just gone onto Lithium after god knows how many medication cocktails from the Dr. She started self medicating on drink because she wanted to feel normal like eveyone else. It's been so hard to know what the right thing to is. She recently told me she can't remember how to love and that she does'nt know how to have a relationship. I smelt the drink on her. She has been spending more and more time with her friends. Canceling nights we planned... I went to bed at 4 in the afternoon the other day i just could'nt cope and when I text her nite nite we ended talking and I broke down, I could'nt hide it and told her I was having nasty thoughts. It upset her and her friends had to be there to help as she howled. The other night was like reliving the day she went into hospital. I told her parents that she is drinking and all hell broke loose. Yesterday she ended our relationship again, this time for good. We had an evening watching a dvd together last night to try and start the friendship she hoped for. I broke down, I feel so alone and stupid. I pushed away all my friends when she got out of hospital to try so hard and be the best man I could for her. Now i'm alone have no one to talk to other than her. She is there for me but I don't want to hurt her anymore. I messed it all up and just wish i could tell her.
 
I wish I could tell her that it's taken till now for me to realise that the woman I love is still there. I failed her by always thinking it was my fault and blaming myself. It is so hard to treat your Bp Partner the way you need to. Its not true that a suffer should never marry, never know love, never know physical intimacy, never have children, a sufferer won't disappoint them or emotionally wound them if they are understanding like they should be. She always asked me to treat her normally and it's the biggest way in which i failed her. As a partner I should have learn't it's easy to push the closest person to you away because you know they will be there for you. It may seem like a childish game, the best thing I could have done would have been to back off and let her come to me. Eventually she would have come back from the low and seen I was there. I know I have blown it this time I can’t even begin to explain the arguments we would have at times and if I tried to defend myself it would only get worse. I was constantly in tears and it seemed all she wanted was to break me down lower and lower. Coldness towards me was confussing and so hurtful. But looking back it was me not dealing with it the way I should have. I should have listened and taken one day at a time. Treated eachday differently and never let anything carry onto the next. I used to moan about her being with her friends and instead i should have given her space. I should'nt have wrapped her in cotton wool and instead given her time alone. If I could turn back time I would have been me instead of trying to be a rock. She never meant to hurt me I was selfish. I have more respect for her than anyone I have ever met. It takes a very special person to live with Bp and it takes a very understanding person to be their partner. I was'nt that person in time. I'd do anything to have a second chance. I don't care about marriage, children or even living together. I care about the person and not the illness. I wish i'd been a better man!
 
I do'nt want people to feel sorry for me, I just hope someone learns by it and manages to support their partner a bit better because of it. Don't listen to people who say it's not worth fighting for believe me it's not worth loosing, your loved on is there you'll see them in time! Be strong and understanding but nothing but yourself, fate brought you together for a reason. work together and love will win!
 
I wish I had the courage to say to my love.... I can see the pain living in your eyes and how hard you have to try, I will never criticize all that you did for me and how my heart will always be with you. Loosing you is so painfull but I won't stand in your way. I understand if this is what you have to do, I won't hold you back. Good luck. Saying goodbye isn't saying it's the end, I want you to know through it all i'm still here for you. If you ever realsie i've learnt how to be me find me because I Love You x


 
Tunny
 
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getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40587
   Posted 8/9/2008 9:37 AM (GMT -7)   
HI Tunny,

In my eyes you didn't do anything wrong. You were concerned about her and drinking and being bipolar does not mix well. I think that you did the best you can and that is all that you can do.

If she is yours, she will come back to you. But she needs to get well and all you can do about now is give tough love. Other wise you are enabling her.

I wish you the best.

I am going to now read your other post.

Hugs, Karen...
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


''Tunny''
Regular Member


Date Joined Jan 2008
Total Posts : 43
   Posted 8/9/2008 11:07 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi karen,

Your words make sense and make me feel pleased that despite my mistakes I tried my best. I'm not pretending to be her guardian angel or Mr perfect but I really did try. It's so hard watching the love of your life struggle and being so helpless in her return. She really is my soul mate the only person i've felt safe enough to open up to, being able to be completely honestly with who I am. Shes taught me that I can be loved for who I am and not for who I pretend to be. We brought out the best in eachother. No matter what went wrong around us, with her i'm safe in my own dream. I found the right person. My soulmate is the one who makes life come to life. I can't give up on her I pray she comes back to me and forgives me for the 'tough love'. With her I know I can be strong again!

Thank you for your kind words
 
Tunny
 
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ShynSassy
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 3036
   Posted 8/10/2008 5:03 AM (GMT -7)   
Tunny


Why don't you print that post out and send it to her,if nothing else at least she will know how you feel.

Sometimes we leave words unsaid,and you never know what words could make a difference.

Loosing someone from a disease like bipolar is very hard,but...my son is now 18,and for many years I had no idea where his life was heading..numerous doctors,new meds all of the time,police reports...ect ect.
about a year ago he decided that he was going to get better,go to college and make something of himself.
He is now working 2 jobs until college starts,he has everything in order for his schooling. He tells me everyday that he loves me. It is awesome.
Bipolar can be controlled. But, I know it takes alot out of the person and everyone else around them.
I hope she has a support system,and that she gets better.

But,you have to take care of you for now. You can't be strong for her if your own depression is getting worse.
If you continue to feel like this,I really suggest getting into that doctor and getting some type of therapy. Meds,counseling,whatever you feel will help you.

We will all be here for you,stay strong.
Shy


Mod- Depression

Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia

Please remember,I am not a professional..I am just a person who is also fighting depression.


I know I'm in my own little world, but it's ok. They know me here.


''Tunny''
Regular Member


Date Joined Jan 2008
Total Posts : 43
   Posted 8/10/2008 5:42 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi 'Shy',
Thankyou for finding time to reply to be thread. I use three forums on HW...

The Bipolar Forum - to try and understand the depths of the illness and get my head around the mistakes I made; so that I learn from them and make good from the past for her in the present and future in whatever form she decides one day.

This The Depression Forum - to try and get out from the safety of the rock that I hide beneath and find the courage to restore my health and be mentally strong for what ever she decides our future brings.

The Chronic Pain Forum - as I have been newly dx'd last week and need to get my head around it before telling anyone (I could'nt even tell her don't ask me why I was just to scared how she would react).

Your not the first by anymeans to mention my need to seek help through the medical system and it is something I have taken onboard and will be starting as soon as I can. Your also not the first to mention showing her the post (It is also posted on the Bipolar Forum). It just scares the hell out of me how she react and if she will see it as me messing with her. I wish I could be the friend she asks of me but deep inside myself I long for nothing than to hold her again. I feel like I would be getting in her way of recovery and starting a new better life. I love her so dearly but to be honest would rather hurt myself for the rest of my life than make hers anymore difficult for one second. I respect her so much and so much more than myself, I know that is'nt a healthy response but its the truth. Im sick of hurtting her and by hiding now im not close enough to do that anymore. She told me if i respected her then I would get help and that is what im going to do. Since her dx she has expressed several times that she is causing me to put my life on hold but that was never the case it is now that I am putting it on hold by trying to lie to myself and give up on her.

God im confussed with what to do.... Im going to get help through the doctor that is for sure.... Its the rest of it that I no not the best thing to do for her sake anymore... I know what I want to for me, but not what is fair for her!!!

Confussing or what!
 Tunny
 Treat people as if they were what they ought to be
and you help them to become what they are capable of being
 
Trying to be me so she can find me & I can support my Ex-Partner    - Bipolar Forum
Depression    - Depression Forum                 
Newly diagnosed with Chronic Pain    - Chronic Pain Forum
 
 


''Tunny''
Regular Member


Date Joined Jan 2008
Total Posts : 43
   Posted 8/10/2008 5:49 AM (GMT -7)   
I just reread what i put.... I meant I feel like I would be getting in her way of her having a better life.

Im dreading going to work tonight and having this going over and over in my mind for 12hrs.

I just feel lost and stupid, I wish i could give up for her sake but I can't.

I don't feel like I owe her and it's a duty bound, just that it's what is right and what my heart and head say is meant to be.

:-) Do I hide, do i tell her, do i lie for her sake and walk..... No deffiently not the later

I need that help she pushed me to find so much.
 Tunny
 Treat people as if they were what they ought to be
and you help them to become what they are capable of being
 
Trying to be me so she can find me & I can support my Ex-Partner    - Bipolar Forum
Depression    - Depression Forum                 
Newly diagnosed with Chronic Pain    - Chronic Pain Forum
 
 


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40587
   Posted 8/10/2008 11:29 AM (GMT -7)   
Try to take this one day at a time, once you start helping yourself, the rest will fall into place, I promise you that.

You are a wonderful person, you have been there for her through thick and thin. Now it is time to work on you and I am sure that she will be there when you start feeling better while she is working on herself.

Good luck at work,

Try to stay in the now and take your mind off of this for a while.

Best wishes,

hugs, Karen...
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


worsenow!!!
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 208
   Posted 8/10/2008 3:27 PM (GMT -7)   
hi tunny, you may remember me from the pain forum. I agree with a lot of things posted to you. 1st i think you do need to get yourself better, but secondly i also agree that you should print what you wrote and send it to her. What you wrote was beautiful and so heartfelt, it would maybe make sense to your girl too. I also think you need support like your girl does. By the sounds of it so much has been happening to both of you, that is why it got like that. far too much for both of you. I do hope you both get better and you both end up back together realising how good you both are for each other. I t may just take some more time. xx

extreme constipation from birth
fainting spells aged 15, then diagnosed I.B.S
anal fissures, haemorrhoids internal and external
mucous and bleeding
sigmoidoscopies, endoscpies, scans, x-rays, bloods
h-pylori aged 24-26
more tests, diagnosed severe slow transit, marker tests took 3-4 weeks to come away
large colon removed in 2007, aged 27( surgeon said removed 10ft) no colostomy
still in severe pain, awaiting dietician appt, now lots of food intoleraces
 
meds- ibuprofen, fluoxetine, amitriptyline,and omeprazole


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 8/10/2008 9:17 PM (GMT -7)   

Tunny,

One thing you are not is stupid and my heart goes out to you.  I would ask that you try to stay in the moment for now and just do one day at a time.  We are all here to help you and tomorrow when my brain is not so tired I will try to give you some decent advice.

For tonight I just wanted to say hello, and you have found a new family here at HealingWell that will stand beside you and help you through this difficult time.

REspectfully
Kitt


 

Kitt, Moderator: Anxiety/Panic & Depression
& GERD  Forums
*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
Not a mental health professional of any kind
It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.~Mahatma Gandhi~
Clickable Link: Anxiety-Panic Resources


ShynSassy
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 3036
   Posted 8/11/2008 3:18 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Tunny

Whatever you do,make sure you are comfortable with it. It is very hard to end a relationship,but it really sounds as though you did everything you could.

Take things one day at a time,and keep posting.
Shy


Mod- Depression

Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia

Please remember,I am not a professional..I am just a person who is also fighting depression.


I know I'm in my own little world, but it's ok. They know me here.


''Tunny''
Regular Member


Date Joined Jan 2008
Total Posts : 43
   Posted 8/11/2008 6:38 AM (GMT -7)   
Morning people,

I just got up after my night shift at work, it was a really tough night. I had some bad news about my dream job transfer being out of my reach now and all my courses regarding it being cancelled due to a recent dx of mine. It was going to be a fresh start for me and was part of me trying to seperate my personal life and work life more. I was looking at moving Army camps and starting fresh in a new place with new people and specialising in a new field. Just feels like another wall has been built in my way now of getting through all this.

I managed to text my ex and let her know I am still there if she ever needs or wants my support, she replied that she was ok and thanked me anyway. Im just pleased she now knows im still caring. Just that she knows she is never alone is enough to keep me plodding on for another day. I miss her so much and just wish she would ask for me. She is getting her help from her support network today, im not expecting to hear how it goes but just to know she is'nt alone like me makes it a bit easier for me just now.

When i walked into work last night two of my colleagues asked after her, all i could say was that she was doing well; I did'nt know what else to say. I was working with one of them last night who knows of my ex and her condition and my struggles in the past. We had been standing there for about ten minutes when she just looked at me and said ''What are you doing in tonight?''. I did'nt have to say anything she just knew. She looked at me again and said she had an idea what might be going on and that she knew I would never be able to give up and that It was time I looked after myself before getting stuck back in for round two. Sounds familiar hey lol. I really am going to do that I know I need to. I am starting to slow down and try and take one day at a time.

Im gutted that my ex did'nt want my shoulder to lean on when I offerered it last night i'll be honest but I had to offer. Im gutted my dream of this job has been swept away from me, partly a revenge on the militarys behalf for my dx I suspect. Im going to be booking a doctors appointment as soo as I can however the rest of the forces are on leave at the moment so it is going to be some 3-4 weeks till I have medical cover. Im considering if the time is right sometime in that inbetween period writting to my ex and letting her know all of this and my feelings and asking if she would come with me to the doctor. one to help me with my dx which i still have not been able to tell her but more importantly to help me face the depression and get the help i need. I know she would give me the courage to speak up and tell it all. One of my concerns is that I am Armed Response and I know they are going to take my weapon off me and then I won't have work to take my mind off all this. I need to see how the next week or two pans out and if it is right for me to tell my partner and if it is right to drag her through my own problems.

God this can be tough if i hide I only hurt myself.

Sorry and Thank you your words really do help everyone x
 Tunny
 Treat people as if they were what they ought to be
and you help them to become what they are capable of being
 
Trying to be me so she can find me & I can support my Ex-Partner    - Bipolar Forum
Depression    - Depression Forum                 
Newly diagnosed with Chronic Pain    - Chronic Pain Forum
 
 


Howlyncat
Elite Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 8/12/2008 8:16 AM (GMT -7)   
Tunny
My heart does go out to you
Keep letting out your feelings to us
Stay with us for sure
As there are so many caring and helpful ppl here to
help you sort thru all of this ....

Take Care
.........LYN
  DX With Crohns,Pyoderma Gangrenosum,Anxiety/Panic,Fibro & Other DD
                                    Donate at  www.healingwell.com
 
Moderator @ Alzheimer's,Co Mod @ Anxiety/ Panic,Co Mod @ Crohns 
 
                                    FIGHT the FIGHT with all YOU HAVE
               Look For The GOOD,Even At Your Lowest
 
     Listen To Your Heart,Look Inside Yourself,Understand You
 
 
 
                    


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 8/12/2008 9:05 AM (GMT -7)   

Tunny

I am glad you can come here and let it all out. There is something comforting about baring your soul to the members of Depression and still being able to be anonymous.

I feel for you as I know you are in a dark place but look up and see the light, it is there and you will overcome this depression.  Life has much good in your future, you must believe.

When your fears and depression have the best of you, it is easy to feel that things will not get any better. This is not true. There is much help available in today’s society and the best way to deal with your fears is to find effective ways to overcome them. You make and keep the appointment with the therapist or physician. 

Keep on posting to us.

Rethink asking your ex to go to your appointment as you need to go and if she refuses to go with you that may trigger your depression and make you feel worse.

Go slow, very slow.  Take tiny baby steps toward recovery and know we care.

Many gentle hugs to you

Kitt


 

Kitt, Moderator: Anxiety/Panic & Depression
& GERD  Forums
*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
Not a mental health professional of any kind
It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.~Mahatma Gandhi~
Clickable Link: Anxiety-Panic Resources

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