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Date Joined Oct 2007
Total Posts : 11
Posted 8/14/2008 9:00 PM (GMT -6)
Real long story short..
I have struggled with depression since my freshman year in college (about
5 years ago). Bounced between most of the SSRIs, after awhile stopped seeming to help. This continued until about
a year ago when I saw another doctor who thought I had mild bipolar disorder (I have always also had problems with anger and the like). But it's been maybe 10 months since going on medicine for that, and I'm back to square one.
I have felt like crap for a long time, and I've been hesitant to tell basically everyone because I know how much it hurts them to see me like this and hear how I actually feel. I haven't been honest with my parents, and not even with my psychologist because I just don't want to trouble people. I know that this is probably the wrong mindset, but my parents have been so supportive and patient with me but I feel like they are at wits end.
I don't know why it's so bad lately, but it probably has something to do with the fact I was going to go to law school. I knew I didn't truly want to, because I don't want to be a lawyer, but again I was too afraid to tell anyone because I was scared they would be more disappointed in me than they already probably are. That's not to say that anyone pushed me into going, I just didn't push back myself. While I really wasn't interested in law, I knew that getting back in a routine everyday might be helpful.
Well, I had a talk with my dad last night and pretty much laid it all on the table. Up until now my parents have been supportive, but firm, saying that if I want to get better it's mostly on me to make it happen. Like the saying, you can't swim without getting your feet wet (or whatever it is). But the problem is I can't. And I'm not able to fake it anymore. So I was honest. I go to bed every night hoping to not wake up, and hope all through the day that something real bad happens to me. I don't want to sleep all day because I'm lazy, but because its a respite from life. I was having a hard time sleeping a few weeks ago, and came to the realization that my motivation for living is that I'll get to die at the end.
While these thoughts are obviously troubling, I would NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER do anything to myself, because that would hurt everyone who loves me more than I can even imagine. But at the same time continuing like this is hurting them too. I'm just totally stuck. My mom was out of town visiting my happy, normal sister, and I know when she gets back tomorrow she's going to be beside herself. That I don't have a plan, that I'm 23 and living at home, and that I'm still a complete mental **** up. It's getting to the point where I truly fear I'm going to destroy my family. My mom has said before while yelling at me that I am killing her. She later admitted to me and the therapist that she just said that to try and shock me into action, but I sometimes wonder. And my dad is out of town on business and I'm sure he didn't sleep a wink last night and won't tonight after our talk. I mean I think he at least finally gets the severity of the situation, as he went out of his way to get hold of a good friend and get me into what he believes is a better doctor today, but still. I'm afraid I'm losing the love and and respect of my parents, if they even have any left.
The problem now is that I have to do something. As bad as I feel I know that I have to do something, but I don't know what it is and I don't care anymore. Going back to school has been a goal of mine, but in what? I can't figure a godarned thing out. My parents say now that I won't be in school for the foreseeable future I need to find some kind of job, but I have no clue what to do. I hardly have the motivation to get out of bed and live, so I just don't know. I know I'm intelligent and could probably get many jobs, but I'm not even interested.
I'm just really hoping things improve this time, if not for good at least for a longer period than they have before. I truly am terrified that I am taking time of my parents lives by causing them so much worry and stress. Up until now I've tried to alleviate their sadness by hiding most of my own, but I can't anymore, so the cat's out of the bag, so it's going to cause a whole new set of problems for everyone. My dad has said he's behind me, and he'll explain it to my mom, but I just don't know. Oh, and don't think my mom is some insensitive *****... she just had a very hard home life growing up her self and is much more hardened emotionally than me.
If anyone has any reassuring advice on the whole family thing, or just anything kind to say, I would appreciate it. I just don't know what to do anymore. If you haven't been able to tell so far, "i don't know" has become my life mantra. I know everyone has problems of their own, so I'm sorry to spring this massive manifesto of misery on you guys, but I'm grasping at straws here.
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Date Joined Aug 2008
Total Posts : 1
Posted 8/14/2008 10:39 PM (GMT -6)
I was so touched by your email. I myself went through years of separation with my parents due to depression. The thing about
depression is that you are really not in control of it. It really exists through not having the capacity to change ourselves from having it. What is really important in all of this is that you make choices in your life moving forward that really move you into hope. I suffered from depression for over ten years. I do not have it any longer.
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Post Edited By Moderator (ShynSassy) : 8/15/2008 5:26:38 AM (GMT-6)
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Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 3036
Posted 8/15/2008 5:24 AM (GMT -6)
You are very lucky to have such caring parents, And kudo's to you for coming forward and realizing that you need help.
Now, It is time to get to a doctor and get some help. I would suggest a counselor of some sort,if you don't want to go to the one that your dad has made arrangements with,then you can start with your own family doctor,or your school counselor. If they make the decision that you need to be on meds, don't expect to feel better in one day. It takes a few weeks for them to take full effect.
You have your whole life ahead of you,and you owe yourself to get better and get back on your feet.
Use this site to vent, and share your stories. We will be here for you.
Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia
Please remember,I am not a professional..I am just a person who is also fighting depression.
I know I'm in my own little world, but it's ok. They know me here.
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 41065
Posted 8/15/2008 6:37 AM (GMT -6)
Shy is right, take some time and figure out what it is that you really want to do. There must be something that you are passionate.
Also try to take life one day at a time. And try to live in the moment. Work on yourself and hopefullly things will fall into place for you.
I can see not wanting to disappoint your parents, but this is your future that we are talking about
. And going into a field that you really don't want to, is just a waste of time and energy. Not to mention money.
Best wishes to you on finding what it is that you want to do in life. I am sure that this will all work out.
Luv and hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies
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