My life so far...

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rzg
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2008
Total Posts : 18
   Posted 8/18/2008 1:36 PM (GMT -7)   
Hello all, this is my first post so I thought I would tell a little about myself.

I have been a full-time stay-at-home dad for almost 4 years. about 2 weeks ago my wife told me she wanted a divorce after 14 years of being together, 10 married. We have 2 kids, ages 5 and 2. She told me that she didn't think I was the one she wanted to spend the rest of her life with. She said I'm not motivated to do certain things or worried about the future and that we are not a good fit anymore. She said the person I am she does not think she is in love with anymore. My world came crashing down on me. We had been discussing going to marriage counseling and then a few weeks later she dropped this on me.

Later that night I confessed some things to her that I had never told anybody in my life. I tried 1000's of times to tell her over the years but could not bring myself to do so. I was scared to say the words out loud. But I wanted her to have a better understanding of who I am and why I am the way I am sometimes. I've been fighting depression alone for most of my life. I've been hiding from it, burying it, drinking it away. Nothing ever worked and it has had a negative impact on my marriage. My depression started many years ago and probably began after I was sexually abused by an uncle when I was about 10yo.

After hearing all of this my wife agreed to try marriage counseling to see if we could make our marriage work. She said she can't promise anything because she feels she has changed and we are no longer a good match. She has lived with my depression for 14 years and never knew it. The signs were there and she did ask me a few months ago if I was depressed but I said no. She is the best thing (besides my kids) that has ever happened in my life and now I'm close to losing her.

I'm pretty sure a few other traumas in my life added to the depression. My mom (also fights depression and has for many years) and dad separated when I was 17yo but eventually got back together 6 months later. When I was 19yo I was taken hostage in my car and robbed . When I was about 23yo a friend OD'd and died in his bathtub. When I was 26yo another friend took his life. Nothing was really going well. I abused hard drugs in my early 20's but got tired of that destruction. I continued to abuse one drug until we had our first child. That was surprisingly easy to quit for me after all the years of using it to numb my head. I continued to drink quite often until about 2 weeks ago when I was finally able to tell my wife the things I had been wanting to tell her for years. All of the sudden drinking didn't seem important anymore. I have had a couple of relapses since but realized that all it did was take me back down into the deep dark pit I was in before. My days and nights are still full of sadness about my life and anger at the abuse. My stomach hasn't been right since and my appetite is shot. I've lost 9lbs in 10 days, which is good actually since most of that was beer weight.

So we have an appt to go see a marriage counselor in a couple of weeks when the kids go back to school. I am also going to see a psychiatrist to work on my own personal issues with the former abuse and my depression. I'm hoping it will work out for us because I do love her and want to be the person she can love again, too.

Thanks for letting me ramble.



:-)

Reason for edit:

I have just taken a few of the details out about your abuse as they were quite graphic and we have minors who use this site. Darren

Post Edited (rzg) : 8/19/2008 7:41:21 AM (GMT-6)


djdaz_1985
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2006
Total Posts : 2408
   Posted 8/19/2008 12:51 AM (GMT -7)   
HI there and Welcome to HealingWell!

You certainly seem to have had a lot happen in you life so far and it wouldnt surprise me if they are all having a little impact on your life today. Did you ever have councelling for any of the events? As well as marriage councelling, it may also be worth seeing a councillor on your own to help you though this.
I am glad that your wife is prepared to give this another go and I wish you all the best.

Please keep talking!!!

Darren
Everyone has a guardian angel. They help pick you up when you fall, comfort you through your times of need and help you appreciate the times when things are going well.
 
"A gold medal is a wonderful thing. But if your not enough without it, you will never be enough with it." - Irvine Blitzer (John Candy) in Cool Runnings
 
Moderator - Epilepsy Forum
Co-Moderator - Depression Forum
 
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Moofty
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2006
Total Posts : 104
   Posted 8/19/2008 1:10 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi there,

I am new to this thread, but usually on the Lyme forum as I have been really ill with that for 12 years now!

Reading your blog was like reading my own!!! My marriage has been over for a year now though and the divorce happened within 3 months, but I am still trying to get to grips with it all and trying to cope with being a part time single mom to a six year old (have joint custody), having health problems and lifelong depression on top of it all.

If you would would like to email me personally, since our stories are so much alike and I TOTALLY understand where you are coming from, then you can do so

It would be nice to chat to someone with the same history as only people who have been through what we have can only truely understand!

Debs : )


Debs, I had to take your personal email off of your post,you can email this member and give it to him. We do this for your own safety,and you don't want to get a bunch of spam on it either.

Post Edited By Moderator (ShynSassy) : 8/19/2008 5:12:12 AM (GMT-6)


ShynSassy
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 3036
   Posted 8/19/2008 4:10 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Rz

I too wanted to welcome you to the forum.

You have had to endure alot during your life,and it obviously has impacted your life.

Keep your appt with the marriage counselor,but I also think you need to see your family doctor and see about getting therapy on your own. They might even think about putting you on meds to help you heal from this depression.

Of course your marriage is going to suffer from this,you have been hiding this deep dark secret for all of these years. I am sure your wife is thinking that it does explain alot,like the times you snapped at someone for no reason,or were in a dark hole and no matter what anyone did you could not come out of it.

Give her time,but for now also focus on getting better and dealing with your past.
In order to heal from depression,we have to focus on what caused the depression in the first place.

We will be here for you, and hope that things work out.
Shy


Mod- Depression

Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia

Please remember,I am not a professional..I am just a person who is also fighting depression.


I know I'm in my own little world, but it's ok. They know me here.


rzg
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2008
Total Posts : 18
   Posted 8/19/2008 6:25 AM (GMT -7)   
Thanks all. And thanks for the edit, Darren. Didn't realize minors were present.

I am going to see somebody on my own. Actually waiting on a call back from a doctor today. I'm praying for the best because I don't want my marriage to fail.

Thanks again for the support!

ShynSassy
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 3036
   Posted 8/20/2008 4:30 AM (GMT -7)   
Good Luck at your appt Rz, please keep us updated and stay strong.
Shy


Mod- Depression

Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia

Please remember,I am not a professional..I am just a person who is also fighting depression.


I know I'm in my own little world, but it's ok. They know me here.


rzg
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2008
Total Posts : 18
   Posted 8/20/2008 6:14 AM (GMT -7)   
Well, back to the provider list. The doc that finally returned my call said he was not accepting new patients at this time (even though the provider website said he was) and was kind of short on the phone. Told me to "take care" and pretty much hung up. What a nice guy. Didn't even offer a recommendation of someone else who might be open to new patients.

So I'm thinking I will just call a psychologist for personal counseling and they can work with the psychiatrist if/when I need medication for depression. Is that how some of you have done it?

stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 8/20/2008 7:04 AM (GMT -7)   

rzg,

Hello and welcome to the HealingWell family.  I am Kitt.  I think perhaps one of your biggest challenges will be to find a psychiatrist but do not stop looking.  There are a lot more therapist then psychiatrist out there so please do find yourself a therapist to get started on the road to healing.

You have much to overcome and I wish you the very best in taking care of yourself  first.

I am happy your wife agreed to marriage counseling but there is much history and many years of secrets to deal with.  I am sure your wife is in her own pain over all this.

You need to give her plenty of time and know that you are supported by the members here.

Keep posting

Kitt


 

Kitt, Moderator: Anxiety/Panic & Depression
& GERD  Forums
*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
Not a mental health professional of any kind
It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.~Mahatma Gandhi~
Clickable Link: Anxiety-Panic Resources


rzg
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2008
Total Posts : 18
   Posted 8/21/2008 9:41 PM (GMT -7)   
Thanks, Kitt.

Today was a better day. We exchanged "I love you" and kisses several times and didn't talk about the negative stuff. Our first counseling session isn't until 9/4, so the next 2 weeks will be somewhat stressful while we try and keep a positive presence around our kids. They are so young and have no idea what we are going through right now. It's really hard to see them so happy in their own worlds while we are suffering every minute. God bless them. My kids are such a bright part of my day.

I really appreciate all of the kind words of encouragement here.

rzg
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2008
Total Posts : 18
   Posted 8/25/2008 12:05 PM (GMT -7)   
I got a call this morning from the first counselor I contacted who was booked up until mid September. He had a cancellation today and can see me. I guess this is the day for me to get started. I'm kind of nervous but I know I have to get started so I can be at a happy place in life.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40581
   Posted 8/25/2008 12:14 PM (GMT -7)   
Great news rzg,

I hope that you and your counselor get along well and that they can help you. It is normal to be a little nervous, this was quite sudden. Hopefully now things will start to look up for you.

hugs, ...Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 8/26/2008 8:06 PM (GMT -7)   

rzg,

I so hope the first session went well.  I know those first sessions are a lot about intake of your information, issues etc.  But know that it will get down to brass tacks quickly.

Glad you went.
Hugs
Kitt


 

Kitt, Moderator: Anxiety/Panic & Depression
& GERD  Forums
*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
Not a mental health professional of any kind
It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.~Mahatma Gandhi~
Clickable Link: Anxiety-Panic Resources


rzg
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2008
Total Posts : 18
   Posted 8/27/2008 5:55 AM (GMT -7)   
Thanks Karen and Kitt. It did go well. He seems like a good fit for me. It was weird telling a complete stranger (unlike here where anonymity helps) the details of my life but it became easier to do once I started talking. I'm going to see my doctor on Friday to discuss anti-depressants so hopefully that will help me get my head cleared up and out of this funk. I'm so tired of feeling this way. So many sad and negative thoughts are constantly running through my head that it's making me bonkers.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40581
   Posted 8/27/2008 9:54 AM (GMT -7)   
I am so happy that your counseling session went well. I am glad that you got a good counselor. Things will fall into place for you soon. You have taken some huge steps.

Luv and hugs, ...Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


rzg
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2008
Total Posts : 18
   Posted 9/2/2008 3:37 PM (GMT -7)   
Well, I'm on the 5th day of the drug Pristiq, the new one from the makers of Effexor. The first 3 days I felt a little weird in the head, had some dizziness and blurry vision, and was really tired. Yesterday and today have been much better as far as the initial side effects go and I feel more normal. The Dr, said it usually takes 4-6 weeks for this one to fully kick in. I have been in a better mood the last couple of days but that could be because I'm trying not to get down about my family situation and focusing my irritability and defensiveness in a more positive manner. I started reading the book Feeling Good by Dr. David Burns so I can get a jump start on my therapy by understanding more about what it is I'm dealing with. I hope to finish the book before my next personal counseling session so I will be ahead in the process of getting better.

Thanks to you all for the words of support here. I'll keep in touch.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40581
   Posted 9/2/2008 6:28 PM (GMT -7)   
I am happy that the pristiq is working for you.  Is it anything like effexor?  Maybe you wont know that until you have been on it a while.  So that was probably a dumb question.  Wont be the first time I have done that.
 
I hope that it continues to work good for you.  That is a good book that you have, I have it too.  I read it years ago, but want to read it again.  I started it, then started reading a book on fibromyalgia instead. 
 
Best wishes to you and taking your new medication
 
Hugs, ...Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


rzg
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2008
Total Posts : 18
   Posted 9/2/2008 6:51 PM (GMT -7)   
Thanks Karen. It is similar to Effexor but is an SNRI and not an SSRI. There is only the 50mg dose as they seem to have found the sweet spot. We'll see. I have never taken Effexor but Pristiq is supposed to have less side effects and also does not break down in the liver.

stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 9/2/2008 7:54 PM (GMT -7)   

Hey there my rzg,

I am so proud of you.  Your taking care of number one and the Pristiq is on board.  continue to be patient with the med as it truly does take 4-6 weeks for it to kick into full therapeutic dose.  It will just happen and you won't even notice at first until you realize life is better and your feeling better.

Know we all care and keep posting.

Hugs

Kitt



 

Kitt, Moderator: Anxiety/Panic & Depression
& GERD  Forums
*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
Not a mental health professional of any kind
It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.~Mahatma Gandhi~
Clickable Link: Anxiety-Panic Resources

Post Edited (stkitt) : 10/8/2008 7:06:28 AM (GMT-6)


rzg
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2008
Total Posts : 18
   Posted 9/3/2008 5:53 AM (GMT -7)   
Thanks, Kitt! It's nice to be able to bounce stuff off others here that have experience dealing with depression out in the open. I hid mine for so long.

(btw, I'm a man not a lady) ;-)
 
I caught that but my brain did not..........lol.  I know your a stay at home DAD. idea    Sorry my hands don't always type what my brain is thinking, maybe I am broken. :-)
Hugs,
Kitt

Post Edited By Moderator (stkitt) : 10/8/2008 7:08:44 AM (GMT-6)


rzg
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2008
Total Posts : 18
   Posted 10/7/2008 7:45 AM (GMT -7)   
I'm on week 6 of the Pristiq and I guess it is working. I am less stressed and anxious for sure. My thoughts are more organized and my moods are better.

My wife and I switched marriage counselors since we didn't feel like the first one really wanted to help us. He just didn't seem into the process so we got a recommendation from a friend and are going to see this woman tomorrow. Our relationship has improved on the communication end so now we just need to figure out how to grow our new marriage.

Confusedli
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 363
   Posted 10/8/2008 2:44 AM (GMT -7)   
Hey RZG,

Glad to hear that you are doing better!

Hopefully the counselor you are seeing today will be better than the other 1!
Confusedli
 
"The Optimist sees the rose and not its thorns; the pessimist stares at the thorns, oblivious of the rose."
 
"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, its about learning to dance in the rain"


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 10/8/2008 6:13 AM (GMT -7)   

rzg,

I do believe you are one of the first to give us any info on how this new med works.  I am so glad it is helping you. Pristiq is becoming more popular and we have started getting questions re if anyone has tried it so thanks for that input.

I agree with switching counselors if you are not having positive results working with the one you have been.  You are sounding better and that makes me happy. 

Keep talking to us and know we support you.

Kitt


 

Kitt, Moderator: Anxiety/Panic & Depression
& GERD  Forums
*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
Not a mental health professional of any kind
It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.~Mahatma Gandhi~
Clickable Link: Anxiety-Panic Resources

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