Mom2Five's Story

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New Member

Date Joined Aug 2008
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 8/19/2008 11:59 PM (GMT -6)   
I lost a good friend to suicide when I was in High School.  I didn't talk about it much because I felt ashamed and I felt weak.   If he knew that I had felt the same way, would he have gone through with it.  If i knew how he was feeling could I have done anything?  But also if he could do it why couldn't I?

        For me it started in Jr. High, I don't know what changed, hormones, new surroundings or what.  But I just didn't feel the same anymore.  I went through the all black phase, it fit me dark and disturbed, just like any teen feels at some point.   My home life was less than idea, but I just avoided it as much as possible.  I struggled for attention all through Jr. High, I became anorexic not to lose weight but because it gave me dizzy spells.  I was involved in any activity I could be in.   I tried to keep myself busy, tried to keep my mind focused on things that I could do and get attention for.

     But the problem was when I didn't have anything to do, sitting in a class during a lecture, my notes turned from the lesson plan to my own plan.  .  I drew pictures jotted notes halfway covering them whenever the teacher walked by, halfway hoping she would see them.    I was fortunate to have teachers who really cared about their students.  I know they tried, but i wouldn't talk, I couldn't talk about it. 

  I couldn't talk about it because I was afraid my parents would find out, I was afraid I would be shipped off to some mental hospital.  I was afraid I would be labled and looked down upon.  .   All I ended up doing was making myself sick the next

Three times I tried, each time with morning and giving myself a few ulcers.   No one ever knew, no one knew how really sad the quiet girl was on the side of the room.    Of course no one knew how really sad my firend was either until he was gone.   After starting high school I found new ways to get attention, I started turning towards boys for a self esteem boost.  At the age of 14 I had my first taste of true love.   He was 19 and I liked the attention I got from him, and the attention from the adults telling me he was too old and I was too young.  I soon found out they were right, when he*****me.  I couldn't tell anyone because I was forbidden to see him, I was afraid of the trouble I would get in.  He must have felt good about it because a few years later a buddy of his said that I needed to go get an hiv test, but luckliy mine came back negative.   After that I shut myself out from the world, I gave in to all the darkness inside of me and just wanted to disappear.    I let sex mean love I felt it didn't matter anymore and became just a way to punish myself.  

After I lost my friend to suicide I saw how devesated the people around him were. I saw his parents suffering.  I felt bad yet I admired his strength.  However I also decided I was not going to copy him.    I became overly involved in my music, I may not of been good but it gave me something to drown myself in.  In order to keep the negative thoughts out of my head, I would often sneak out of classes and go in a back band room and practice or just cry.  I was fortunate to find an escape.  

   After high school I began learning about depression and Post traumatic stress disorder.  I started a healthy relationship, and my husband was the first person I shared my story with.  I lost my sister to suicide a few years ago, and with having children of my own it prompted me to finally seek treatment.   It is still a struggle, but for the past few weeks I have felt myself falling backwards into the same darkness.  It scares me.


I had to take out a couple of words in your post because we do have young adults that are only 13 and we try not to be to explicit.  We can still understand what you are saying. 

Post Edited By Moderator (stkitt) : 8/20/2008 8:12:02 AM (GMT-6)

getting by
Forum Moderator

Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40402
   Posted 8/20/2008 12:45 AM (GMT -6)   
Hello Mom2five,

Welcome to healing well. You definately came to a good place to share your story. I think that you will feel better now that you have come here.

I see that you had your share of trauma in the past. But have faith that things are going to be okay. We will help you along.

Are you currently in counseling? I know that you said you had been going, I just think that it is a good idea if you are going still.

You said something that makes me think. You said you admired the strength of your friend who took his life, I didn't quite understand that. Because it takes strength to go on. As you are. You are the strong one. Remember that.

We are here for you, so keep posting.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

Forum Moderator

Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 8/20/2008 5:54 AM (GMT -6)   

Hello Mom2five,

Thank you for baring your soul to the members of the Depression Forum.  I can feel the young girl in your post and I cry for her but I am so proud that she was able to overcome her destructive behavior and learn to love herself.
You have come a long way and having a good husband and children is wonderful.  You are all lucky to have each other.  I know that your past will help you to be a super Mom but remember to take care of yourself and do get back into treatment.  do not try to be your own physician or therapist when there is help available.
No one should have to be in pain alone.
Keep posting here and please keep these numbers handy should you need them.
U.S. Helplines

The US Suicide Hotline 1-800-784-2433

NDMDA Depression Hotline | Support Group. 800-826-3632

Suicide Prevention Services Crisis Hotline 800-784-2433

Suicide Prevention Services Depression Hotline 630-482-9696
Suicide & Depression Hotline | Covenant House 800-999-9999
My email is open if you feel you want to talk.
Gentle Hugs


Kitt, Moderator: Anxiety/Panic & Depression
& GERD  Forums
*~* *~*
Not a mental health professional of any kind
It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.~Mahatma Gandhi~
Clickable Link: Anxiety-Panic Resources

New Member

Date Joined Aug 2008
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 8/21/2008 3:21 PM (GMT -6)   
 Thank you for reading my post and your kind responsesWhen I put that I admired my friend for what he did, I meant that was how I felt at the time.     While I still struggle, I know that there are children here depending on me which is why I have come seeking guidance. 

Post Edited (Mom2Five) : 8/21/2008 9:56:28 PM (GMT-6)

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