Hey im just here to get my feelings out, so please no links on anti depressant meds, i like to go all natural. Well I am gonna start on why i think im depressed. My parents got a divorce when i was 12, and my mom wanted to live on her own and get a job, so she decided to take my sister and i up north to new jersey(we were in LA). I dont think the divorce affected me that much, it was a random drastic change, but i didn't think about
it to much. I had to get used to the change, and i did. It's hard to write everything down from 5 years ago to where i am now. Ill try to make it make sense. This is gonna be pretty long, i'm summing up 5 years of my life to why i am like this now. Trying to add everything that contributed to this.
I have, what i call "I think your gay disease." when i was in LA i had little puppy love flings with girl, but i never thought about
why i am with them or nobody ever talked about
what to do, i guess i missed the big picture on why you would have a puppy love thing going on. darn its hard to write this and make sense but when i was in NJ i felt like i was pressured to do stuff with girls, i had possible chances to have sex but i shyed away from it, i mean my dad or anybody never talked to me about
girls, so i was just put in a situation where here have sex. I mean i come from where we just played sports and hung out with dudes, and all of a sudden i was pressured into all this. My friends didnt understand and probably suspected i was gay(not the case), rumors started to go around that i was gay on my first year of high school. That really affected me, it made me be conscience of where i looked i was always worried about
somebody looking at me, thinking i was gay. Man in gym i was so afraid to change around dudes, cuz i was afraid they will think i will be looking at them, so i just looked up all the time, i mean if i could go back in time i realize now how silly it all was but now its embedded in me. Been living in NJ for like 3 years and the gay thing happened on my 3rd year living there, which would be my last year living in NJ.. My best friends stop being my friend because they though i was gay and didnt want people to think we were friends, I had only one true friend that stuck with me through all of this... pause. To this day i still don't have a friend after this happened.
My mom got a call, that my brother was missing for 3 days, turns out he committed suicide, shot himself. That was the last thing i ever thought would happen, at that time i was so emotionally turned off from my situation that when my mom came running in with the phone in her hand she went on her knees and yelled He killed himself, i just turned around and continued playing the game i was playing at the time while my mom was there crying. So my mom wanted to be close to the family in LA, so we moved back down to LA. I moved back in with my dad and my future step-mom. My mom went to live with my sister across the lake. So i was moved in with my stepmom's family and my dad, she had 5 red head kids and one girl. On the first week at my new living situation, i was talking with my one true friend that stuck with me on AIM. I was getting a wierd vibe from him in the conversation, than he asked me What do you think about
me and you? Turns out he was only my friend because he was gay thinking i was gay! I never expected him to be gay after all those times we hung out, but now when i look back i see certain hints. BUt that really affected me, everytime i talk to a guy i think the guy likes me.
Well in my new living situation i have to move in with 5 strangers in a 3 bedroom house, 4 stepbrothers and a stepmom. Im moving in to a house with 4 dudes so i was a little to nice for them so they also suspected i was gay, my own dad thought i was gay i would hear him talking about
me in the other room, like i can't believe my son is gay,(talking to the stepbrothers). So the youngest stepbrother, him and his friend would try to walk in on me . Keep in mind i was still afraid to stare at a guy for more than 3 seconds. So this one time i just got out of the shower and this guy with no shirt was crying on tv and i just happened to be fixing my zipper on my pants when his friend
opened the door so it looked i was doing something, man that affected me to. Looking back it is all silly but i was 15ish at the time thinking people's opinion mattered. this all happened in my first summer there. Well school comes around and im still worried about
people thinking im gay so i just keep my head down not looking at anybody at school. During lunch i would hide in the library or my stepmom's classroom. Gradually from year to year i was look and see how silly not looking at anybody was but i was still worried about
people thinking i was gay. My whole highschool life i would get socially better about
people thinking im gay. This I think your gay disease killed my baseball career, because i was afraid to try and make new friends and play baseball again. I regret not trying out so much. No prom, at graduation i was so ashamed of not having friends at school and having my family watch me by myself, it tears me up that they know me like that now. I used to be cool before i moved to NJ and i had a couple of cool years in NJ too but that darn rumor getting inside my head.
I do believe that I would of killed myself by now if my brother didn't kill himself, I can't see doing that to my family again. So i just try to make it through waiting for 2012 supposely something is going to happen. You know i told my dad all of this because i was tired of him thinking im gay, so we went for a ride and in that ride i felt like he though i was coming out of the closet. Man it makes me sick to my stomach everytime i think about
it but nowadays i gotten over that and me and my dad's relationship is pretty good. We still buTT heads or whatever the spelling on that. If i didn't have xbox live to have a life through my friends list playing games with them or being able to visit my REAL family up the lake i don't know how i would of got past all this.
My dad, hooked me up with job after high-school i did that for a year and a half, people there suspected i was gay when i first worked their but once we went out in the field together they like me, we had some good times but i still didnt make a friend after that i realized it was hard work that i dont want to be doing the rest of my life. Thats how all my jobs go i just quit randomly and never say goodbye. Thats how i was when i was normal too i suck at goodbyes. Well recently enrolled into a community college and i know my major, but its just hard to go through with the whole process, because everynow and than i see people smirking at me like in their head they are saying queer, its just real tough being me sometimes. Im not the most attractive guy but i wont be getting chased by pitchforks either, im pretty tall and skinny so i guess people see tall skinny queers on tv so they relate that with me, dman society nowadays so pop culturey relying on tv to tell them what is what. I think this i think your gay disease is either a blessing or a curse for me because it did make me look outside the bubble that society is in and realize what is on the outside, but it is a curse when i have to be in the bubble people just stare at me sometimes, i jsut want to smile at them and screan what the hell are you looking at ho. lol man if you read through all of this your probably thinking how pathetic i am, i look at myself being pathetic too.
Well recently i've been tired all the time i dont really feel like working out anymore i see results but i just dont feel like working out, home bench with dumbells i tried going to the gym but the chicks on the treadmeal would just stare at me my whole workout it was really frustrating the looks i get, trust me i know when a girl is liking me and i know the look of i think your gay. But back to what i was saying i am depressed, im trying to get past this but its hard im to focused on the past and what i used to be and i think way to negative. Sometimes i just wish i could be depressed in some 3rd world country and let somebody who is deserving of the opportunites i have and got to take my place. Well i feel better now that i got all this off my chest i've been writing this for like 45 minutes, im kind of tired of writing so thank you for your time if you got this far. Sometimes i feel good about
my life others i am real negative and look at my life as being so pathetic. Im going on 21 and i have only online friends no real life friends, i see some of my old friends from LA on myspace and see how good they look its really good to see them like that but its like i could of been like that. Well again, thanks for your time i know they're gaps in my story but its hard to write 5 years of my life in one post, hope it made somewhat sense, enjoy my story
Post Edited By Moderator (ShynSassy) : 8/21/2008 10:03:46 AM (GMT-6)