This is great news and I am really happy for all of you. Please be sure to take care of you too. Together you will overcome the depression.
Kitt, Moderator: Anxiety/Panic & Depression& GERD Forums*~*
Post Edited (stkitt) : 9/10/2008 9:35:18 AM (GMT-6)
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Tilly I would just like to say I have gone through a very similar situation with my boyfriend. However, he turned to drugs as well as the alcohol to cope with the depression. It took him a couple months before he turned to help, but in the midst of getting up was still using. His last episode, 3 months ago was sooo bad I had to call 911. Not only was he physically hurting himself, he also took it out on me. It took having him charged for him to hit rock bottom.
Now he is fully committed to his therapy and completely off the drugs and alcohol and coping with everything with a clear head. He apologized for everything he has put me through and tells me his he wants to have me back in his life. He now has goals, puts himself first instead of others etc.
Here is my dilemma, can someone really change???? My friends are telling me not to trust him that it is a form a manipulation. My therapist says to do what feels right. My heart tells me that things are on the right track, but feedback with others who've had a similar experience would be great.
Thanks Karen for the kind words and sharing your experience. I am very glad to hear from someone else who has had a similar experience. It is not always listening to your heart, but your gut as well. Always need to go with the first instinct.
Hello and welcome to Healing Well, we do have a thread for new members to post a bit about themselves so if you would like to post in there.
Now, I believe you have to go with what your instinct is telling you.
There are some things you can do to decide if you are in the wrong relationship and if you need to get out.
Is your partner abusive? If your partner has abused you in the past, he probably will do so again in the future.
Has your partner cheated on you? For some people this is unforgivable. If your partner has cheated on you you need to decide if you will be able to forgive him or not.
Are you happy in the relationship? Sit back for a moment and think to yourself 'Am I happy in my relationship?' If you are happy, then great! If you're not happy then you need to ask another question. Ask yourself 'Can I foresee myself ever being happy in this relationship?'
Just food for thought. I support your decisions and I do hope he has changed. I believe that people can change.
Again welcome and gentle hugs
I agree with everyone.
From what I’ve seen, this is very common.
Trying to reach folks who are discouraged and despondent is frustrating and bewildering.
With someone who is apathetic and unmotivated, it’s hard to find grounds for inspiration and engagement.
I have experienced that with family members and friends, as well as with my wife.
Then, I read a really great book by Peter Breggin called, “The Heart of Being Helpful.”
In that book, Dr. Breggin describes approaches that appeal to the person we are trying to reach, on grounds that are interesting to them.
As irrational or out-of-touch those grounds may seem to us, sometimes it is our only starting point.
We engage them on their dim and narrow grounds, nurturing their interests (however irrational) and cultivating their inspiration, and then very slowly drawing them into a wider realm of brighter strategies and encouraging alternatives.
It helps to have brighter strategies and encouraging alternatives ready and on hand when he is ready to consider them.
Therefore, part of Dr. Breggin’s counsel is develop our own repertoire as well.
You partner is very fortunate to have your support and efforts on his side.
I must say I was extremely happy when he was happy, not feeling depressed. I shut him out of my life for a few months after his last episode (instigated by the drugs/alcohol he was taking), now that the door has opened again things seem better then when we first got together. He is seeing a therapist, established goals for himself, understands the effects of drugs/alcohol to the body (will not even take Tylenol for a headache), learning to deal with stress and taking care of himself first before anyone else.
He verbally abusive towards me when he was on the drugs/alcohol but never sober. He was physically abusive to himself and had to call 911 that day of his last episode. I feared he was going to die on me. I had him charged with assault because of the verbal abuse I put up with.
Now that he has been clean & sober for 4 months, therapist regularly (in person once a week and phone discussions when needed) I enjoy talking to him. Just the sound of hearing his voice always puts a smile on my face. I enjoy spending our time with him, we have so much in common and are in tune with eachother...we finish each others sentences etc.). We have been together for less than one year. Everything seems fine right now, but I am concerned that he might relapse and turn back to the drugs/alcohol to cope again. It scars me to see another episode like the last.
I’m no expert, but I think the best way to tell if he is serious about staying off alcohol and drugs is the evaluate how much he really wants to be alcohol and drug free.
Some ways to tell are, ‘how enthusiastic is he about his therapy?’ Is he practicing his therapists advice?
If he goes to a 12 step program, is he trying to actually work the steps, or is he just talking about them?
I believe he deserves the benefit of the doubt in terms of trust as long as you believe he is making a sincere effort.
Therapy and programs only work as well as the person.
There is an old light-bulb joke that really makes the point:
How many programs does it take to change a light-bulb?
Only one, but the light bulb has to really want to change.