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Dark
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 105
   Posted 8/22/2008 5:50 AM (GMT -7)   

Been trying to put to words some of the thoughts that run wild in the confines of my mind like you asked. Its just a rant of everyday things small and irrelevant just thoughts I keep to myself cause there is no one to share them with, not sure if its normal to share. I know that sometimes my thoughts are just thoughts but sometimes they break me, drown me leave me wondering why I breath…

I think about the 8 months I have been sleeping on someone’s couch how I cant stay here forever but where else would I go don’t earn enough money to even afford a room if I stop paying some of my debt I could probable afford something but then the  court would not be happy if I break my agreement. I know they cant do much I have nothing to reposes or sell just the clothes on my back, but it leaves me feeling like a criminal they treat you like scum and you fear the shame and judgement of people concluding  you wasted your money over committed and now you are to pathetic to pay your debt. But there is also the other half of the debtors who are still looking for me every time there is a knock on the door my heart races thinking maybe they have found me they have told me they can lock me up for not paying they claim it is stealing. I feel guilty for not paying any rent where I stay in spite of them saying I don’t need to they said I could just give them massages( I do sports massages) as payment and it’s a fair deal but I feel like a slave sometimes I don’t have the option of saying no they can ask anytime. I stay inside I hide from the world when I have to go out I fear that I might run into someone I know who will ask me how I am what I am doing all the questions and how I would stutter an lie to embarrassed to tell the truth.  Staying with people in such a small space is getting to me there is no place to be alone I have to fall in with them eat what they eat when they eat  sleep wake up when they do watch what they watch I am just a guest a freeloading one at that. It drives me insane watching the same stuff every night but I am at a loss cause there is nothing else to do. The women of the house has got a part time business she runs and works at night so she is busy with work and the guys have the remote and we watch cars motorbikes boxing and so on every night they own the couch and the tv and they both seem deaf as the sound is turned on full sometimes its so loud I cant hear myself think. It’s a strange set up she has one ex boyfriend staying here they still share a room and one ex boyfriend coming for dinner every night she even makes them both sandwiches everyday for work. So the guys bond and do the tv thing she works and I go insane I sometimes cook and do dishes to keep busy but I am not to good with the cooking and she also enjoys cooking and doesn’t always want me to cook.

I struggling to get use to living with people it’s the first time in my life I have lived and interacted this closely with guys I grew up a loner no friends just me and my thoughts. Wonder if I am going to grow old and die alone if i would ever meet someone and share a life but then I look at these guys and I think I would go insane I cant stand it.In the same breath I know inside that if they would ask me to leave right now I would be totally lost and rejected would not make it on my own. I don’t fit into this life I breath and go trough the motions that’s not living ……           

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40603
   Posted 8/22/2008 9:18 AM (GMT -7)   
Remember Dark,

This is only temporary. Have you looked for any full time jobs? I think you said that you were working part time with children. That is wonderful. I am sure that it is very gratifying. Hopefully you can get a full time position and get your own place, or even room with somebody. Where things will be more even. You will have more options.

I know that it is so hard when you are sleeping on somebody's couch, but, that is a safe place for you right now. And I am happy to know that you are somewhere safe. That is so important.

Keep your eyes open for a better job with more hours. Something that will get you ahead. I couldnt see any reasoning for them locking you up over a debt, how would that enable you to pay anything. I know that maybe they think of it as stealing, but if you were in jail, you couldn't earn any money to pay on it. Though I have that same fear, I am going through court over a credit card debt that I owe. I have done everything to try to pay it, but I just don't have the money.

I guess that it is different here than it is there, but they have to have some reasoning with this. Tell them to get you a job and you would happily pay it.

I hope that writing has helped you to feel better, hopefully somebody can come on with some better advice than me. I am going through the same thing, just got a letter from the mediation services about my case. They want thirty dollars just to do this. I don't even have that.

Best wishes to you Dark. Remember that we are here for you.

Luv and hugs, Karen...
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 8/22/2008 9:47 PM (GMT -7)   

Dark,

I am with you in spirit as always................I believe in you and you rant when you need to. I will try to catch up as fast as I can.

Hugs
Kitt


 

Kitt, Moderator: Anxiety/Panic & Depression
& GERD  Forums
*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
Not a mental health professional of any kind
It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.~Mahatma Gandhi~
Clickable Link: Anxiety-Panic Resources


djdaz_1985
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2006
Total Posts : 2408
   Posted 8/23/2008 2:39 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Dark,

Im here in support as well. Always remember that nothing is permanent and that things can change in a heartbeat. We are all here for you.

Darren
Everyone has a guardian angel. They help pick you up when you fall, comfort you through your times of need and help you appreciate the times when things are going well.
 
"A gold medal is a wonderful thing. But if your not enough without it, you will never be enough with it." - Irvine Blitzer (John Candy) in Cool Runnings
 
Moderator - Epilepsy Forum
Co-Moderator - Depression Forum
 
Help support the forums so we can support you:  http://www.healingwell.com/donate
 


ShynSassy
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 3036
   Posted 8/23/2008 5:12 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Sweetie

I am very glad that you have finally talked and let us know what is going on.
I can relate to what you are going through as far as feeling like a "freeloader",but if they did not care about you then they would not have you staying with them.

Do you have to option of declaring bankruptcy there? I know it is the last resort,but if your bills are taking all of your money,then it might be time to do that.

I can research it on the net for you,just tell me if that is an option.
Shy


Mod- Depression

Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia

Please remember,I am not a professional..I am just a person who is also fighting depression.


I know I'm in my own little world, but it's ok. They know me here.


Dark
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 105
   Posted 8/24/2008 5:59 AM (GMT -7)   

Thank you all for the support (((((((((((((hugs))))))))))

Shy i have looked at bankcruptcy not an option i need some assets they can sell if i want to declare, its the dumest thing i have heard...thanks anwyay.

stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 8/24/2008 12:27 PM (GMT -7)   

Hey Dark,

I  am glad you are taking the time to post and I am so sorry you are still struggling but look how far you have come and you are still with us.  You have the support and caring of a special family here on HealingWell.

My prayers for you and you email me if you feel like it turn

Hugs

Kitt


 

Kitt, Moderator: Anxiety/Panic & Depression
& GERD  Forums
*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
Not a mental health professional of any kind
It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.~Mahatma Gandhi~
Clickable Link: Anxiety-Panic Resources


ShynSassy
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 3036
   Posted 8/24/2008 12:54 PM (GMT -7)   
Ugh that is so frustrating! you would think there would be other options,I don't get it.

Just remember that we will always be here for you,and you will get through this....one day at a time is all we can do right?
Shy


Mod- Depression

Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia

Please remember,I am not a professional..I am just a person who is also fighting depression.


I know I'm in my own little world, but it's ok. They know me here.


Dark
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 105
   Posted 8/25/2008 8:01 AM (GMT -7)   

I feel like I am going insane….I am trying but it all seems pointless. this morning when I woke up it felt as if the whole world was resting on ,it was the first feeling as I opened my eyes don’t know if it was all the stupid dreams I have which I cant remember most of the time its just a heaviness…I pulled the blankets over my head and tried to just sleep again forget the day but I couldn’t I got irritated and angry with myself for being so useless cause today would be the same as every other day if I didn’t do something but what ???The rain cleared for a bit and I got up grab a raincoat and went for a walk on the beach there was a icy wind blowing and my mind just could not shut up for every positive there was a negative I felt like screaming like running into the sea and just keep going. I walked until my legs felt wobbly and the anger and frustration turned to apathy the I don’t care attitude….. I watch the waves the rainbow and the dark rain clouds and I got sad cause all of it was so incredible amazing yet there I was I should be happy ….

 

I went back to the flat took a shower ate some fruit and sunflower seeds cleaned up a bit the housemate was tapping away on her computer she gets so caught up in it …. I tried to think of something to do I switched on the tv to see if there was anything on discovery or history channel but noting a hundred channels and nothing interests me I did some bible study for a bit but that ended to she left for work at around 11am and there I was I checked my e-mails and surfed the web for abit but that irritated me to I wrecked my brain trying to find something to do but nothing it drives me insane!!!!! I ended up eating in spite of not being hungry which just made it worse…. I folded the washing and I made beans and rice for dinner tonight its amazing how much time there is in a day when you trying to fill it so you don’t think to much ….I have to stay busy have to do stuff find a fulltime job or a hobby anything  but I don’t KNOW what I cant think I don’t know what I like or don’t like I don’t care I don’t want to do anything specific aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagggggggggrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr I am going insane I don’t know how and where to start how to fix this I have to take responsibility for my own life but I don’t seem to be getting it right……………. 


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40603
   Posted 8/25/2008 9:04 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Dark,
 
Whether you know it or not, you are getting better.  You are recognizing everything for what it is.  The beautiful rainbow you saw.  Though it didn't seem to be inspiring, I think it was.  You are staying busy, helping around the house.  Looking for a full time job, so you are doing all of the right things, and I honestly think that in time, you will start to feel a difference. 
 
Did you ever think that maybe there just wasn't anything good on tv?  I know that we have tons of channels, and there are still times when nothing interests me.  It isn't because I am down, it is just that there is nothing good on.  Maybe that was the case with you today.  I am just trying to find some positives here I guess.  I think that you are too hard on yourself at times.  You are not worthless, you are not pathetic, you are a wonderful person who just happens to have run up on hard times.  By the way you dinner sounds good.
 
I got out and walked my dogs this morning.  It was a beautiful time.  It wasn't too hot or too cold, it was just right.  Just like Goldilocks and the three bears.  I got to say hello to a couple of people, but the conversations were short, I like it that way.  I find if I have mostly aquaintances instead of friends, it goes a lot easier.  I guess I don't like to open up to people that much and that way I don't have to.  Don't know if that is healthy or not, but it is easier for me.
 
I hope that you have a lovely day today.
 
Keep in touch,
 
Luv and hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

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