stuck on a hamster wheel

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Mandu58
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2008
Total Posts : 6
   Posted 8/24/2008 4:15 PM (GMT -7)   
This is my first posting so please be patient with me. I feel as though I am stuck on a hamster wheel, just trudging and trudging but not going anywhere. I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder in 1995 and it seems I've been getting worse every since.
 
Lately I feel immobilized or paralyzed by the depression. I am so overwhelmed by everything that I can't bring myself to do ANYTHING. I was reading some postings where people were discussing their hygiene, well, mine has been suffering for months, if not longer. I used to take one or two showers a day and brush my teeth at least twice a day but sometimes it has been as much as a week between showers and a day or two between brushing my teeth. I know this seems gross but I figure why bother when all I am going to do is sit around the house and do nothing or why bother when you just have to do it again anyway so one day turns into another into another and so on.
 
Our house is a mess and all cluttered, forget about dusting and washing the floors. The state of the house is one of the things, if not THE thing that overwhelms me the most. I used to clean my house at least once a week and pick up every day. I didn't mind having people over or opening my door to the mailman or UPS guy. Now I don't even answer the door if someone comes, I sit there and let the dogs bark until the person goes away. Then I look out the window to see who it was. If we order pizza I go outside and wait for the guy. I don't know where to begin with the house and really don't know what to do when I get started. There's so much stuff and no place to put it.
 
I tried to describe all of this to my therapist but she told me that I frustrated her because she wonders if all of this is just pure laziness, then she says that if it's not that then she can't imagine being this incredibly depressed. The last time I went to see her she told me not to make an appointment and she would call me. That was four or five months ago. If you feel, or know, that your therapist doesn't care about you, how can anyone else care about you? I say to myself, what of therapist does that make her, but it still bothers me. (I just want to add that my REAL therapist left and went 2 hours away because she needed to get out of the Center I go to and this "new" therapist is one that was recommended to me.) As I'm sure you all know, discussing your depression with friends or family is difficult because they don't understand it and you get the reaction that my therapist had.
 
So my days consist of the occassional shower then sitting in my recliner for hours on end watching TV and my mind just going and going; mostly thinking about how disgusting I am, how I just want to go to sleep and never wake up, will it always be like this or will it somehow get worse like it has been over the years, how hopeless, helpless, unworthy and empty I feel, just on and on and on. I also go for weeks and weeks staying in the house, just can't bring myself to go out unless I have an appointment. Luckily my roommate, who is bipolar, does the shopping and stuff. I don't know what I would do without her. I know she has problems and demons of her own but she pushes herself to keep going. I really admire her.
 
Well, I guess I've rambled on enough about my problems, even though I could probably keep going. Thanks for letting me go on, as I'm sure you know, sometimes you just need to vent. Funny thing, though, I wasn't planning on writing what I did but then again I'm not really sure what I was planning on writing. Thanks again.
 
Mandu58  

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40598
   Posted 8/24/2008 6:10 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Mandu58,
 
You are not lazy.  At least I don't think that you are.  You are depressed.  And I don't think that your therapist is a very good one.  Well, when she said that you were maybe severly depressed, that part was right.  Let's give her a silver star for coming close to a diagnosis. 
 
When I get really depressed, I do the same thing that you do.  I could care less about going to the door and I do let the dogs bark until the people go away.  I don't answer my phone either, just let the answering system get it.  I don't want to see anybody, talk to anybody or do anything.  My self nurturuing is usually the first thing to go.  And I have no energy to clean.  So I know exactly how you feel.  People can say shake it off, but let's see them do it. 
 
I believe in time, you will start doing these things again.  Give yourself permission to be depressed for a while.  I don't mean don't try.  Just give yourself a break and get off of the guilt trip for a while.  I honestly think that the worse we feel about ourselves for not doing what we want to or should, the harder it is to get moving. 
 
Start writing a list of small accomplishments that you would like to get done every day.  Make it a short list so that you are more apt to finish it.  If you don't finish it, don't beat yourself up over that.  Just try again the next day.  As you start to move around you will feel better and eventually you can add more to your list.
 
I think as you do more, you will start to feel better about yourself.  As you do that the self nurturing will come back.  When that starts you will realize that you feel better when you are clean.  Then you will eventually get back in that routine that you were in before. 
 
Are you working anywhere?  If not, try going for walks.  You would be so amazed at how good you can feel.  Maybe take one of the dogs with you.  That is good for the dog too.  So not only do you get the feeling of accomplishment for youself, but for walking the dog too.  This will increase your energy.  Also try meditation for your self relaxation.  Practice thinking about your accomplishments and feeling good about yourself.  You can control the meditation, so that makes you feel like you have the situation handled as apposed to not being able to do anything that you would like to be able to do.
 
I really hope that this helps some, I would be looking for a new therapist if I were you.  The one that you had wasn't helping you at all.  In fact she could be making you feel worse about yourself.  Especially by saying that you are lazy. 
 
I am sure that you are going to find others here going through the same thing, depression does this to us.  It makes us feel like we are not worth while and we lose interest in life. 
 
Are you taking any medications?  Have you talked to your doctor about how you feel? 
 
I hope that you start feeling better soon.  You have come to a good place and I think that the other members surely will understand how you feel.
 
Best wishes to you,
hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


Mandu58
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2008
Total Posts : 6
   Posted 8/24/2008 7:18 PM (GMT -7)   
Thanks, getting by,

I've been being treated since 1995. I am currently on Lexapro, Geodon, Trazadone and Straterra. Just started the Straterra but it makes me sleep!!! I felt a little better when the Geodon was added but that only lasted for a short while. I've been on so many meds that I can't remember them all. I was on Prozac for the longest time and then it just quit working. Then I was on Effexor and I attempted suicide and from there the list goes on. I've had 7 psychiatrists or nurse practitioners, 3 therapists and 3 hospitalizations.

I am going to get another therapist, just have to find one, that's all. I wanted to just go with the med maintenance for a while to see how that goes, did it once before and didn't do too awfully bad. This therapist certainly didn't help much at all. Her kind of "therapy" has kind of made me leary about finding another one and going through that whole "getting to know you" period. But then again, no one could hold a candle to the therapist I had before her.

I am on disability, took me almost 2 years to get it, and sometimes I wonder if I was right to try and get it. At least when I was working I was functioning. But I was fired for calling in sick too much and especially since I haven't been working I've been functioning even less. The problem is is that I give in too easily to the depression, I don't even try to fight it anymore. Someone said that life is a roller coaster full of ups and down, well, I feel like my roller coaster car is stuck on down.

I find it more difficult with each passing day to leave the house. I was in the house for 6 or 7 weeks and only went out a week ago to go to an 80th birthday party that I absolutely couldn't get out of. It was hard but I did it, and it was quite crowded too. Then I went out a few days later for a med maintenance appointment but I was 10 minutes late and the nurse practioner wouldn't see me, she told me to reschedule. I waited for several months for the Center to hire a new one, then waited a month after she was hired to get in to see her and now I have to wait another month before I can see her again!!! So I went out for nothing on that day. I was furious but didn't say anything to anyone, it's not worth it to me to get into things. I think my days with the Center are surely numbered now, especially after the therapist and now this. It's just making the effort to get in with someone else and I've been with the Center for almost 4 years, I think. But it's a state or county run thing and the care has been getting worse and worse. I know I have to think of my best interest, but even that is difficult to do.

Well, thanks for posting back, I really appreciate it. Thanks for the words of encouragement.

Anne

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40598
   Posted 8/24/2008 7:49 PM (GMT -7)   
Anne,
 
I think that if you try to get out for walks that would help.  It would get you out of the house and you don't have to talk to anybody if you don't want to.  Though I find it kind of enjoyable just to say hello to somebody and be on my way.  That is why I like to take the dogs, they want to keep moving. 
 
Life is full of the ups and downs as you said.  And it often does seem like we are on the down side for a long time.  But it will go up again.  Some of us have to fight it and some of us have to go with it.  I find if I kind of go with it, it doesn't last quite so long.  I don't think it does anyway.  It is kind of hard to compare that I guess.  But it makes it easier.  I am by no means saying to give up, I am just saying to go with the flow.  I hope that makes sense.
 
Any way, I hope that you start to feel better really soon.  Keep posting, we are here for you.
 
Hugs, ...Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


tryin
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2008
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 8/25/2008 6:42 PM (GMT -7)   
I so could have written most of your original post.  Lately the depression has been paralyzing.  Sorry you're struggling.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40598
   Posted 8/25/2008 6:53 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Tryin,
 
I would like to welcome you to HealingWell.  You have come to a wonderful place.  All of the members here are so kind and understanding.
 
Keep posting, for we would like to hear more about you.
 
Best wishes,
 
Hugs, ... Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


tryin
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2008
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 8/25/2008 7:17 PM (GMT -7)   
That's my name too.

stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 8/26/2008 4:33 PM (GMT -7)   

Mandu,

Welcome to HealingWell, I am Kitt.  IMHO you need a new physician so please do start looking for one with more compassion and one you can build a trust relationship with.

When your fears have the best of you, it is easy to feel that things will not get any better. This is not true. There is much help available in today’s society and the best way to deal with your fears is to find effective ways to overcome them. Instead of focusing on doom, stay in the moment. Give yourself breathing space. Consider what matters to you. Establish a few manageable goals, then take small steps toward achieving them. Don’t try to stop everything as once as you may be setting yourself up for failure.

Please know coming here is a wonderful and courageous step. You are voicing your fears so you know what they are.

Gentle Hugs to you and keep posting.
Kitt

 

Kitt, Moderator: Anxiety/Panic & Depression
& GERD  Forums
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genniefstr
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2008
Total Posts : 97
   Posted 8/28/2008 8:04 AM (GMT -7)   
nono  I don't think you're lazy . Just depreesed. You need  a new therapist. Start with that goal, you may have to turn over many stones till you find the one right for you. So that will be some reason you have to get out. You wrote for alot of us. I let the dogs bark too. My first goal for each day is to get out of my bedroom. My second goal is to check the posts here, it helps me set my third and usually last goal. Good luck,and try to smile at least twice today. smilewinkgrin
                         
                           Smiles,
                                Gennie 

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40598
   Posted 8/28/2008 4:45 PM (GMT -7)   
I think a lot of us feel this way at one point or another. And I really think for a while you have to just let yourself go with it. But keep trying for the most part. We just can't beat ourselves up for being depressed. I know that it is hard, because you know that you should be able to do more, but you just don't have the energy or the enthusiasm to keep going. Set small goals. Take baby steps. Eventually you will be able to go to that door and shut the dogs up.LOL.

I still let mine bark if I don't want to see anybody. They eventaully go away.LOL...

Take care,

Hugs, ...Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

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