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Edub817
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2008
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 8/30/2008 2:20 PM (GMT -7)   
I'm currently in a very rough spot in my life. Easily the roughest spot I've ever been in. I'm dealing with a deep depression caused by an affair my wife had with a friend of mine.

First, a little bit of history. My wife and I have been together for over 6 years at this point. We met in March of 2002 and finally got married in May of 2007. Along the way, we had two children. One in April of 2004 and then another in November of 2006.

We never had that great of a relationship to begin with. I had a problem with distancing myself from her when we had problems and her main problem was lying to me or doing things behind my back. For instance, if she wanted to do something that she knew I would disagree with, she'd do it without telling me and if I asked, she'd lie about it until she knew she was caught. We've both admitted those issues to each other.

We've had fights in the past and have even split up for a day or two here and there but somehow always worked things out. For the longest time, it was a pretty ugly cycle. A lot of the things she did would make me feel disrespected and in turn, I'd want my distance form her since talking to her about our issues didn't seem to work. She'd agree with everything I said and then just turn around and continue doing things the way she was doing them. A perfect example is a car I owned. I sold it to a guy we both knew and he ripped me off a third of the money. On top of things, the guy would insult me to other people. So when my wife would still associate with the guy, or give him rides, or text message back and forth, I saw that as disrespectful. I told her I didn't like her being friends with him because of the way he treated me but it never stopped. Eventually I would get fed up and just want my distance.

In late 2007 and into early 2008 I tried to start my own business with my brother. It didn't go well and was a big source of stress for me. At the same time, we were having problems with my landlord. It was all a very stressful situation to be in. I found myself becoming depressed and basically spending most of my time by myself.

In the meantime, my wife was taking the kids up to the house of one of my friends every Tuesday night. I've known him since middle school and he has a son around the age of mine. My wife met him through me and began taking our children up to his house to play with his son. Every Tuesday night. From roughly 5PM until 1AM-2AM. She was text messaging him quite a bit throughout the day just about every day. And she began going out at night and leaving me home with the children. I was sleeping on the couch every night by this time. I was so depressed and feeling so disrespected by my wife that I'd given up. Finally, one morning we just made up. I'm not sure how it happened. I just realized how much I loved her and how much I wanted it to work. This was in March of 2008.

Finally, in April 2008 I began to grow suspicious. I started seeing red flags popping up and started putting pieces together. I got a hold of her cell phone and took a look into it. It was password protected, but the password was easy enough to guess. Inside, I found questionable (and explicit) picture mails sent to her from my friend. Also, her password on her computer was changed to my friend's nickname and birthday. I confronted her about these things and she swore to me that nothing was going on. So much so that I believed her. Above all else, I always trusted my wife. I knew she had a tendency to lie or do things behind my back, but cheating was something I thought she could NEVER do. I accepted the explanations she gave me and closed the book.

Or so I thought. The next day, I couldn't seem to get it out of my head. It just didn't make sense. So I put spy software on her computer. When she went to sleep that night, I checked the software and that's when it all came out. I found a secret email account she had and inside, several love letters to my friend. She had fallen in love with him.

I woke her up and asked her to give me the truth. She still denied it. I told her of my proof and she finally gave in. She gave me all the details that I'd asked for. They'd been intimate in his car about a month prior while I was at home with the kids. They'd been having an affair for about 4 months give or take. I told her I wanted her to do what made her happy. I told her I read the emails and I could see how in love she was with him. And from the way she talked about me in those emails, I couldn't blame her for leaving me. I told her to follow her heart.

We were up all night both basically crying. She was feeling immense guilt and I was feeling just about everything. Guilt, hurt, humiliation, sick, the list goes on. She told me all she ever wanted was me, but admitted the just a few days earlier, he made her make a choice and she chose me. He wanted her to either leave me or stop the affair. She couldn't make the decision at that time so she chose me. But wanted to remain friends with him. And it was at this time that I realized how much I loved her. It's like when they say you only know what you have once you lose it. Ever since that day, I know how much I care for her. She's my world. Always has been.

It's been a little over four months since I found out about the affair. Things are MUCH easier than they were initially. In the beginning, I couldn't even eat. For days. And I mean nothing at all. Everything looked, tasted and smelled disgusting. At this point, we're in marriage counseling. She seems committed to making our marriage and relationship work. We don't fight anymore at all. We're closer, spend more time together and are more open than ever before. But I'm still dealing with the after effects.

Neither of us have heard from my friend since I found out. She eliminated all contact with him and obviously I did too. But I still feel a lot of anger toward him. I have every intention of attacking him the second I see him. He was always the kind of guy who liked messing around with married women. He would pull women in by finding out what was wrong in their relationships and fulfilling those empty spots in the relationships. I'd seen him do it before. Several times. And I knew he'd try with my wife, but I didn't think she'd fall for it. I had warned her early on to watch out for him and so did a few other people we both know. But like I said, I trusted my wife until the very end and at this point I don't fault myself for trusting my wife. Doesn't stop me from feeling stupid about the whole thing, though.

We've since been to two sessions of the counseling and they don't seem to be helping me all that much yet. I'm still pretty depressed about the whole thing. I haven't gone back to work yet. Which doesn't help with the depression. Not working makes me feel like I'm not providing as I should be but at the same time, I am having a hard time being away from her for too long.

I'm in a weird place at the moment with trust. One one hand, I trust her fully again because she's so much different now than she was when the affair was going on. Every single one of the red flags are gone and she's been more loving than ever. It's hard to imagine her doing this again now or in the future. But in the back of my mind, I'm reminded of the fact that she had my full trust before and still was able to do this. So at this point I've confused. Do I trust her full again or not?

And she's told me that she now wants to be a better person and keep the lies out of our relationship. I've assured her that she can tell me anything and I'll be supportive. There's no reason to lie about things anymore. There's no reason to do things without telling me in fear that I might get mad at her.

Some times I feel like I should leave her, some times I feel like I want to have more children with her, sometimes I feel like I just want to pass away so that I don't have to deal with ANY of this anymore.

At times I have a hard time putting it out of my head. Other times I'm fine. There's even been times recently where I just want to sleep all the time. No real appetite. And on top of it, in a strange way, I feel bad for her that she has to deal with me when I get like that. I feel bad for her most of the time.

One of the biggest things that bother me to this day is that she fell in love with him. She ended all of her emails telling him how much she loved him and assuring him that no matter what happened, she would always hold him in her heart, always dream of him and always miss him. That's hard to live with. And I'm not even sure how to.

Just thought I'd share my story on a few forums. Always looking for advice.

Thank you.

stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 8/30/2008 3:26 PM (GMT -7)   

Edub,

Wow, I am so sorry but I saw red flags reading your story way before you did. Early in your post you stated "We never had that great of a relationship to begin with."

It is very difficult to build a marriage when you feel your relationship is not good right from the beginning. 

We have had many members with stories similiar to yours but it feels to me like you need to deal with your depression issues before you can truly make this relationship work.  Do you see a therapist or are you on any meds?

The marriage counselor is good and I hope you can work things out. A lot of what I sense in your post is you are blaming the guy for what happened. You posted "And I knew he'd try with my wife, but I didn't think she'd fall for it. I had warned her early on to watch out for him and so did a few other people we both know." I am not sure how you could ever call this person a friend.

I do not remember seeing anywhere in your post where you say your wife loves you.  You do say you love her.

Again I hope you can work things out so that you are both happy and will be able to provide a good home for the children.  It is the children that get hurt in these situations as well as the adults.  The children are so innocent, please think of them too as you go through counseling.

Bless you

Kitt


 

Kitt, Moderator: Anxiety/Panic & Depression
& GERD  Forums
*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
Not a mental health professional of any kind
It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.~Mahatma Gandhi~
Clickable Link: Anxiety-Panic Resources


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40566
   Posted 8/30/2008 3:43 PM (GMT -7)   
First of all Edub,
 
Welcome to the forum.  As Kitt said, we have had similar situations to yours on here.  The only thing that really makes me wonder is it is as if you knew everything that was going on, and instead of confronting her, you introverted.  You didn't want to face it.  I think you knew for a long time.  Maybe not consciously, but you knew.  It is as if you would accept anything that she did and you would still be there for her.  I don't know if that is healthy for you. 
 
Like Kitt said also, think of the children first.  Do what is in their best interest and everything else will work itself out.  The children first, then you, then her.  You really do need some counseling I believe.  I don't think you have much self esteme, or else you are super passive.  I think that you deserve better from yourself.  But you might chose to just live with it all. 
 
I really hope that things work out for you and your family.
 
Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


Hamster_01
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2006
Total Posts : 8
   Posted 8/30/2008 5:07 PM (GMT -7)   
It can take up to two years to get a marriage back on track after a spouse cheats.

You were betrayed in a bad way, a double betrayal! A friend whom you thought you could trust and your own wife, who said vows to you!

Do all that you can to work together to save your marriage, for the kids sake. If it doesn't work out then atleast you'll know you gave it your best. Do marriage counselling, together and individually, but use the marriage counsellor for both.

As for your friend, no need to go after him. He isn't worthy of your fist, that will only land you possibly in jail or with a lawsuit! Also, your anger should be more directed at your wife because she is the one you're married to, not your friend. She made a very selfish choice by going outside of your marriage. THAT is not your fault, it's hers and hers only. Don't let her justify her actions, or use the problems in the marriage as an excuse of why she cheated. She owns that. Whatever issues/problems you two had before her affair, you both own 50-50.

Google marriagebuilders, there's alot of useful info on there.

Edub817
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2008
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 8/30/2008 8:06 PM (GMT -7)   
Kitt- Thank you for the reply. I agree with you in that I do need to seek help for my depression. I'm just not 100% sure about how I want to go about it, yet. I thought the marriage counselor would be a pretty good start. She's already explained to us how my brain is reacting to the "trauma" I've endured and she's taught me a few methods for calming myself down when I hit those rough spots. Pressure points, exercise, things to do to get my mind focused, etc.

As far as the other guy goes, I guess I blame the both of them equally. I just want to blame him more. I came to find out that he came on to my wife back in July of 2007 and she never told me. She didn't want me to lose my friend, she said. From what I understand (ANd I found out WAY more than I should have) he put the offer on the table and when she was ready, she took it. I just can't help but think that if I was a better husband she would have never gone that route. I do believe she was keeping him as a friend in order to have a fall back option. He and I rarely talked when she was seeing him. I was having a hard time getting a hold of him and when I did get a hold of him, he didn't seem to want to talk a whole lot and he would never make an effore to get in touch with me. Always me calling him. That was another thing that made me suspicious.

I do believe my wife loves me. I've always believed that. It's why I trusted her so much. She has always told me, every day that she loves me. I think that's why I thought I could get away with just distancing myself whenever I wanted to. And it was the small things that she still did during her affair, for me, that made me realize that she still cared for me even when she had this "great guy" (as she referenced him in an email) that she could have left me for. She still did everything for me. Still tried to be close, still said nice things, etc. And the fact that she didn't leave - she had the chance - and in the end told me she wanted to be my wife... Like I said, this whole thing is very confusing. If she had such a great thing going, everything she wanted in a man, why not take it?

But thank you again for the reply. I really appreciate the support and the opportunity to talk with you.


getting by- Thank you for the welcome and the reply. I think I knew as well. From time to time I the thought would cross my mind, but I couldn't see her doing that. So I would just blow it off. Even with all the signs, I just always believed there was a logical explanation. I never thought I would let any woman do this to me, but in my experience, you never know how you're going to react to a situation like this until you actually have to live through it. And my reaction wasn't what I thought it would be. It made me think of the 6 years we'd been together, our kids, all the things she'd done for me, the love she'd shown me and I actually felt guilty. I felt like I drove her to this. I know there is no explanation for doing what she did, but I can't help but feel responsible for it.

As for my children, I do think of them in this. I worry about them. They were actually the most horrifying aspect of this whole ugly situation. The thought of losing them. The thought of my wife taking them from me and moving them into my friend's trailer. That hit me the hardest. If that would have happened, I know for a fact 100% that I wouldn't be here typing this right now. I couldn't be.

But thank you for the reply, I really appreciated it.


Hamster- Two years? Really? I was under the assumption that it would be, at most, one year and thinking about it the other night, I actually wondered if it might take longer. I don't want it to take that long, so I'll just have to keep working at it.

And you're right, going after this guy isn't the smart thing to do. If I really wanted to do so I would have already. I know where he lives, I know where he works and heck, he drops his kid off at his dad's place every morning two blocks from my house and picks him up every afternoon. I'm just worried about that chance encounter around town. I'm not sure I'm strong enough o just turn and walk away. To me, he's the source of the hell my life has become internally. It just seems like he's getting away with a crime or something unpunished. Although, I do believe in karma so I guess he'll get what's coming to him eventually, in the end.

Thanks for the marriagebuilders tip. I'll definitely look into that.

Again, thanks for the replies. I really do appreciate them. Talking this out has proven to be therapeutic for me in the past few months.

Have a great night.

sox167
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2008
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 8/31/2008 7:10 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Edub, for me, exercise can be one of the best things to help with depression. If you can, join a gym where you can work with a trainer to set up a routine - it makes a big difference to be shown how to do it right. A little bit of weight lifting a couple times a week, a little bit of cardio a couple times a week, and you will feel like a new person. It makes me feel productive and like myself more.

stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 8/31/2008 4:38 PM (GMT -7)   

Edub817

Hello my friend.  I think you are taking on way to much guilt for what has happened.  As someone said the problems before the affair were 50/50.

I would really like to see you in therapy just for you as well as continue the marriage counseling.  You need someone you can spill out all your feelings to.  In counseling you will not speak out and speak of the anger you feel or learn ways to change how to deal with your feelings of low self esteem.

Do check out the site that was posted, anything that may help you now.................and this is your forum, so keep it for you.  This is where you can share your feelings and let out some anger.  I know you are devestated by this and feel there is something lacking in you  but your wrong...................You did not cause your wife to make the decision she made....that is her mistake.

Can you forgive and get past it, I  hope so but I worry about you.

Hugs

Kitt


 

Kitt, Moderator: Anxiety/Panic & Depression
& GERD  Forums
*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
Not a mental health professional of any kind
It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.~Mahatma Gandhi~
Clickable Link: Anxiety-Panic Resources

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