why can't I breathe whenever I think about you?

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ediekristen
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Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 1366
   Posted 9/12/2008 1:08 PM (GMT -7)   
Lately I've been feeling this overwhelming depression and anxiety about life. I have literally no one I can talk to about it in person, no one who isn't biased anyway. It's so frustrating. I can't focus at work, I can't focus on studying for my pharmacology class, I don't want to hang out with anyone or be intimate or do anything. There's so many things on my mind but the main issue is my love life...
 
So, I've been with my boyfriend for almost 4 years. We've been through a lot and I can't count how many times he's "broken up" with me in arguments, but then an hour later everything is back to normal. But lately I'm starting to wonder if we're really on the same path in life or if this is just not going to work. It hurts to think about it because 4 years is a lot of time invested in a relationship and I can't really imagine being without him, however lately it's gotten easier to consider...
 
There are so many things involved. I mean, when we first met, we were so in love. Like any new relationship I guess, but this felt different. And there are still days when I love being with him but... Anyway. After 6 months he decided he wanted to move back home to Iowa because things weren't working for him in Florida (job, roommate, etc). So after some discussing and crying, he moved there and 5 months later I joined him. It turned out to be a huge mistake only because I HATED Iowa. I hated the cold, I hated the lack of things to do, I hated the idea of raising kids someday in a town where everyone I met has done meth before, I hated being so far from my family. But I stayed for two years because I didn't know what to do, I just felt kind of stuck, and I didn't want to lose him.
 
So when the company we both worked for went bankrupt and closed down, we decided it was time to move back to Florida. I was surprised that he came with me but he seemed to be okay with the idea. We've lived back in Florida for 5 months now and things are really just going downhill. We hardly talk anymore.. I don't remember the last time we had a real conversation. And when I try to talk about stuff he always changes the conversation to stupid things like his recent Halo game on Xbox, which I just couldn't care less about anymore. It's all he ever wants to talk about and it hurts my feelings when it seems like he completely disregards anything I say. shakehead
 
I've got a great job, and I'm back in school getting my degree for health information management, and I'm making friends again and that's great. But as for him... He refused to look for a job because he was getting unemployment ($150 a week..) but he did end up getting one recently where he works two or three days a week for maybe 4 hours. He sits around at home all the time and plays video games, doesn't go out, doesn't clean, doesn't cook, where I'm working 40+ hours a week, paying the bills...
 
But that's not even the part that bothers me. First, he talks all the time about how much he hates Florida. I mean really, he makes at least one snarky comment a day. And it's aggravating. It's like, okay well I'm not moving back to Iowa so what do you want to do?
Then there's the complete lack of trust. On his part. He does not trust me one bit, and it's actually to the point where I can't go out with friends, especially coworkers, because he thinks I'm out fooling around. And I've never given him reason to feel this way. I've turned down so many social invites because I know if I do manage to talk him in to "letting" me go, he'll be sulky and mad about it the rest of the night and be all accusatory about everything. The other night during an argument he said he would never trust me and I said "Well how do you expect to have a long lasting relationship without trust?" and he just said "What are you even talking about?" and completely avoided it.
 
Oh and don't even get me started on the idea of marriage and kids... One day he'll say "when we have a baby" or "If we get married" and the next he'll be making comments about how he hates kids and people are over populating the earth and he doesn't want to add to it, and how he doesn't believe in marriage and he would never buy a diamond ring because he doesn't want to contribute to the enslavement of South Africa or something. rolleyes
 
....................................................
 
So then there's this guy at work.... And I've developed a bit of a crush on him  nono   And it drives me crazy. I mean, it's not like I've done anything and I wouldn't, I'm not the cheating type. But we talk and maybe he's just smooth and knows how to say all the right things, but... I don't know. I'm so stuck because I don't know what to do. Here's this guy that has the same beliefs and ideals that I do, and we actually talk (a lot) and he makes me laugh and feel happy and desired and funny.
 
Argh. Maybe it's because someone is actually showing interest in me and making me feel like what I say matters, maybe I'm just acting out of loneliness. I don't know. But now I'm in a frustrating situation and it's making me incredibly depressed. Even 20mg of Lexapro can't stop the feelings, though it does seem to be preventing me from being able to cry.
 
I feel like I'm in the middle of some sort of existential crisis with a romantic crisis thrown in the mix. I'm worried about the future and whether or not I'm doing the right things with my life. And even if I am, what is the point? And what happens if I break up with my boyfriend and it turns out to be a huge mistake? What if this new guy is just a player who wants what he can't have and is just sweet talking me but isn't interested in a relationship. What am I supposed to do?? I wish I had a magic ball to tell me the answers because I'm so lost and confused that it makes me feel sick. I know no one here can give me the answers and I'll be so surprised if anyone actually read this far!!
 
Oh my gosh. Sorry for such a long post... It feels nice to actually get it all out I guess, I haven't said any of these things to anyone and it was starting to really weigh on me. Thanks for being here guys. Sorry again.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40595
   Posted 9/12/2008 1:28 PM (GMT -7)   
Don't be sorry, that is what we are all here for, to support eachother. It sounds like your current boyfriend is somewhat imature. And you can't have a relationship without trust. He should not be allowing or not allowing anything. You should make your own choices. You shouldn't have to ask his permission for anything.

I would contend with one man before I go onto another. Though I know a lot of people who don't do it that way. They have the second one in place before they drop the first. So really that is your choice. But you don't want to prove him right by getting too close to this other guy. That way if you break up, it is a clean break.

Can you make it on your own? Financially and emotionally? You have been with him for a long time, so it might be difficult. If you keep him, you need to set some rules, like he should work more and do stuff around the house and not try to control you. The thing that bothers me is if someone accuses you of cheating, they are usually doing it themselves. Either that or they are super insecure.

Take things one day at a time. Let us know how it goes.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


ediekristen
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 1366
   Posted 9/12/2008 1:42 PM (GMT -7)   
I know, I never meant to start feeling anything for this "new guy"... We just starting talking at work and I don't know what happened, I just started to like him I guess. And it's so unlike me too so it's making me really confused.

I never really had many friends throughout our relationship anyway so not going anywhere wasn't a big deal and I never thought anything of it, but now that I have ladies at work inviting me to go out with them and he's telling me I can't go, it really aggravates me. Like the other night, I fell asleep on accident and was late picking him up from work, and I made the mistake of saying "I'm almost there" when I was just leaving the house because I didn't want him to be mad that I hadn't left yet. So I get there and he's like "how did it take this long for you to get here if you were almost here? What were you doing? You lie to me and then you expect me to give you a long leash and let you do whatever you want" and I just thought... There shouldn't BE a leash, long or short, that's not how things work. And I said I shouldn't HAVE to ask permission to do anything, and that he was acting like my dad, which just made him mad and didn't get us anywhere in the conversation.

I know he's not cheating because he never even leaves the house to meet new friends, much less a secret lover. He's always been insecure about things but it makes me wonder, if after four years he still hasn't gotten over it.. Will he ever? Or will I just end up a hermit because my boyfriend/husband won't let me leave the house??

*sigh*

Female, 23, Ulcerative colitis (pancolitis) for 8 years so far; GERD; gastritis; osteopenia in femur head & lumbar spine from long term prednisone use....

Current Meds:
Lexapro 10mg, Lialda 2 pills a day, Rowasa enemas nightly

 
 


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40595
   Posted 9/12/2008 6:35 PM (GMT -7)   
Are you contented to stay at home or is it easier that way? I went through the same thing for years. Things are much different now. My husband trusts me. I think it all depends how much we want to do things as to whether we will let somebody allow us to. You are your own person no matter what you decide.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


Greensleeves
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2008
Total Posts : 19
   Posted 9/12/2008 8:30 PM (GMT -7)   
I stuck it out with the wrong guy for 12 loooong years. I hesitated to end it, because as you said, it was a lot of time to invest in a relationship, just to throw in the towel.
 
Well...I finally threw in the towel and it was the best decision I ever made! It wasn't too long before I found the man of my dreams and am now living my happily ever after.
 
We still have our problems, sure, but compared to what I put myself through for so long, they're nothing.
 
If you can't say with at least 95 percent certainty on your worst days that this is how you want to live, don't do it. You might feel out of sorts for a while, but I promise, you won't die from it.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40595
   Posted 9/13/2008 5:25 AM (GMT -7)   
Isn't it wonderful when we have a partner that treats us with respect and trust? It makes our whole world seem different.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 9/13/2008 9:24 PM (GMT -7)   

ediekristen

Hey there, this is Kitt.  I think you listed all the reasons you recognize are wrong with your current situation.

Can you ask yourself these questions:

Are you happy in the relationship? Sit back for a moment and think to yourself 'Am I happy in my relationship?' If you are happy, then great! If you're not happy then you need to ask another question. Ask yourself 'Can I foresee myself ever being happy in this relationship?'

It feels to me like he is not happy either but one of you needs to make the move to talk things out.

I wish you peace and happines but most of all I wish you love.

Gentle Hugs

Kitt


 


 

Kitt, Moderator: Anxiety/Panic & Depression
& GERD  Forums
*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
Not a mental health professional of any kind
It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.~Mahatma Gandhi~
Clickable Link: Anxiety-Panic Resources


ediekristen
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 1366
   Posted 9/15/2008 2:33 PM (GMT -7)   
Thanks everyone, you're always so helpful. You have no idea how much I appreciate it.

I just got in a fight with my boyfriend because I said I was going to hang out with a friend after work and he freaked out and was like "blah blah blah I sit at home by myself all day and you can't even come home and spend time with me" and I was like it's NOT my fault that you don't want to get a freaking JOB so you're not sitting at home all day... He works like 6 hours a week, tops, and then has the nerve to complain to me because I work 40 hours a week and never take a day off during the week to spend the day with him, but it's "okay" for me to take a day off for a colonoscopy. HOW is that even in the same ballpark!?!? Like "Sorry, new employer, I need to take a personal day" as opposed to "Sorry, I have to have a camera shoved up my butt, I can't come to work". I'm trying to be responsible and pay the bills since he isn't helping there, and he gets mad at me for it?!

So he told me he's going back to Iowa and he already bought a bus ticket and whatever and I think he's full of it but either way.... I just said "Think about it. If you can't spend your life with me HERE, in Florida, babies, marriage and all, then what are we doing?" and he says "I don't WANT babies, and I don't want to ever get married I just want a girlfriend, and I hate Florida" so I said well I don't want to be a girlfriend for the rest of my life so I guess that's that.

I don't know. I don't know what to think. I'm sitting here at work trying my hardest not to cry because as angry as I am and as much as I think this is for the best, it still really hurts and I spent four years with him and it's scary to think it might be over and I'm not sure what things will be like.

Just thought I would update you all. Thanks for listening.

Female, 23, Ulcerative colitis (pancolitis) for 8 years so far; GERD; gastritis; osteopenia in femur head & lumbar spine from long term prednisone use....

Current Meds:
Lexapro 10mg, Lialda 2 pills a day, Rowasa enemas nightly

 
 


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40595
   Posted 9/15/2008 4:01 PM (GMT -7)   
I think that everything will work out the way that it should. He is getting a practically free ride by only working six hours a week. That isn't fair to you. He should pay at least half of the expenses.

And you're right about it being his choice to just sit around the house instead of getting a job. But not only does he want to sit around, he wants to manipulate your time. I think that you are quite tolerant in this situation. Maybe too much.

I hope that it works out to what is best for you.

Best wishes to you.

Hugs, Karen


  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


ediekristen
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 1366
   Posted 9/17/2008 5:42 AM (GMT -7)   
Reached a boiling point last night. I cried for about 8 hours and slept for 2. I feel like hell. No, I feel like the most worthless, stupid piece of crap in the world. I wish I could tell the future because I am so scared I don't know if I'm doing the right thing. He even made suicidal comments last night. What if he's serious? What if I just ruined someone's entire life because I'm so stupid?

I don't even know how I'll go to work today I look like I got punched in both eyes because they're so swollen. That should be fun to explain all day.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40595
   Posted 9/17/2008 6:22 AM (GMT -7)   
Sweetie,

Please don't feel guilty over his suicide threats. I know from experience that is somebody is going to do it, they will, and it doesn't matter what you do or say. It sounds like he is trying to put you on a guilt trip. Just remember you are not responsible for somebody elses moods. No matter what you say or do. It is within themselves.

You have a life to live and you deserve to be happy. So drop that extra baggage, I know that it is hard. But you are not responsible for his words or actions. You are a good person and just remember that.

Hugs, Karen...
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


ediekristen
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 1366
   Posted 9/17/2008 1:28 PM (GMT -7)   

Thank you Karen, your words mean a lot.

It's so hard. I've been sitting here at work all day with red teary eyes and I can't seem to shake it off, everyone's been asking me what's wrong but I know I'll start bawling if I say anything. When we talked last night, he actually cried and told me how much he loves me and worships me and that everything we have here is all he has and it just crushed me, I don't know what to think. Part of me figures even if somehow we did decide to work things out, it would just be worse or at least go back to how it was and things will never get better and it will end up falling through anyway. But then I worry, what if I'm wrong? What if I'm making a huge mistake? What if he really would change and we could have a great life?

Another thing he said that killed me... I was saying to him "If you can't imagine living your life HERE, with me, having kids and getting married, then what's the point?" and he told me this morning that the other night after I said that he "actually felt deep in his heart that he could have a kid with me and he actually thought about waking me up to tell me that". But maybe it's just another guilt trip... And even if it's not, maybe he was just thinking of ways to keep me in which I could not do that, having a baby isn't just going to fix anything. If anything it would just make him resent me and the baby and I'd probably end up alone anyway and a single mom to boot.

Why does life have to be so complicated? And if it's the right thing, why does it hurt so much?


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40595
   Posted 9/17/2008 3:07 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Sweetie,

I honestly think that before you even start thinking about having a child, that he needs to get a full time job. You have been the breadwinner for so long now. I think if he really was serious, he would be out looking for work instead of sitting home all day. So think seriously about that before you try to have a baby. If he isn't serious, you will end up being the one to resent him. Think about it. You are the one working and taking the responsibility of all the bills and he is trying to be the one to call all of the shots. And to want you to take a day off of work to be with him, that is very immature. I hope that this doesn't upset you, but, that is just my opinion. So take it one day at a time. Nothing has to be decided on at this moment. Life can be complicated. Don't let it get more complicated. I know that you would not want to bring a child into this world unprepared. You are too kind to do that. So take it slow and see what happens. But I would be pushing him to get a real job. You are enabling him by not.

I wish for you some answers and for the very best evening.

Hugs, karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 9/17/2008 7:45 PM (GMT -7)   

Hey there, I am so sorry you had a bad day but please remember to stop beating yourself up.  You are a good person and no one else can take that away from you.

You are at a crossroads, whether to go or whether to stay.

The decision to separate is never easy, but you do have options. You need to be able to look at your life as whole and decide if it is good or bad. You also need to look at every possible aspect of your relationship with your partner and see if the good outweighs the bad, or if the bad outweighs the good. Sometimes your judgment is clouded when you only focus on the good or only on the bad. The bottom line is to do what you need to do to have a more fulfilling and happy life.

I wish you peace and happiness but most of all I wish you love.

Keep talking to us.

Hugs
Kitt


 

Kitt, Moderator: Anxiety/Panic & Depression
& GERD  Forums
*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
Not a mental health professional of any kind
It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.~Mahatma Gandhi~
Clickable Link: Anxiety-Panic Resources


ediekristen
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 1366
   Posted 9/18/2008 1:34 PM (GMT -7)   
Thanks everyone!
 
Wow, things are really just all over the place. Yesterday at work was miserable. There wasn't a single moment throughout the day where my eyes weren't brimming with tears. I looked like a mess, I couldn't even fake a smile. So since there was literally nothing going on and all the surgeries had finished for the day, I decided to leave at 6:30 (two hours early). I just couldn't take it anymore.
 
So here's the bad part... I had been texting that guy for the past two weeks, NOTHING inappropriate or over the line, just two friends talking when bored at work about stupid stuff, like what we did over the weekend or how his moving went. And the only reason we were texting and not just talking is because we work with a bunch of nosey people who always come up and crowd around the desk and make stupid comments and it just gets annoying so we were just having text conversations instead. Anyway whatever. So David goes on the Cingular website and sees this large number of texts and FREAKS out. And I guess if I knew he was doing the same thing I'd be upset too but plenty of people have friends of the opposite sex without anything going on... I don't know.
 
Well I get home and we argue about this for a long time. He's convinced that I'm sleeping with this guy and that I was planning on leaving for him. Which is totally not the case though I could see how that could be imagined for sure and I understand and know I messed up. But now he's saying that I won't be "allowed" to do things for a long time and I can basically forget about hanging out with friends after work or dropping him off at work and having the car; He's even dropped me off at work the last two days.
 
So we talked and talked and got to the point where we "kissed and made up" last night and said we really wanted to try and make things work, but things were still sad and he was still saying "Do you promise you didn't sleep with him?" etc etc... And then this morning he's back to being all argumentative and saying I have to tell him who this guy is and what he looks like and where his car is, and when I refuse he accuses me of protecting him because I like him so much.  shocked Just because I don't want my boyfriend to go beat up a guy just because I was talking to him means I want to leave and be with him?! It just seems so crazy. I am a total pacifist and I don't think violence is justified for very many reasons if any at all, especially not something like this.
 
But........................... I just don't know where to go from here. Tonight he's picking me up from work and we're going to grab some food and go sit on the beach and talk. I thought it would be nice to get out of the house and do something "romantic" for a change. But I wonder if there's any hope? I mean, things seemed like it could be okay last night until he started saying this morning that I would be on a "short leash" for a long time. How is THAT going to make anything better? He doesn't understand why I was talking to someone else but he never talks to me and when I talk to him in the car he'll turn the music up over me, or he changes the subject to video games and it's so annoying and I feel neglected and ignored.
 
 
Funny thing is, all his friends are on my side with this which is weird because I didn't think they liked me that much but apparently they were all saying "Dude that doesn't sound like Edie... She would do anything for you, she'd never cheat on you" and telling him to do whatever he could to make things better. I'm sure that's not the reaction he wanted from them but doesn't that say something?

ediekristen
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 1366
   Posted 9/18/2008 1:38 PM (GMT -7)   
Gah. Sorry for the novel again. I just lost control of my fingers there and let it all spew out. And there's still so much more I want to say, haha.

It's so hard to know what's right. It's like I have two doors in front of me and one is the one that I go through every day and I have an idea what's behind the door and part of me just wants to go through that one because it's easy. But the other one I've never gone through and it's scary and I have no idea what's behind it and I even though I want to know and I think it might be better, I'm too afraid to open it. Like there might be a monster waiting behind it to eat me, or there might be all the answers and happiness I've been looking for. I just don't know.

Female, 23, Ulcerative colitis (pancolitis) for 8 years so far; GERD; gastritis; osteopenia in femur head & lumbar spine from long term prednisone use....

Current Meds:
Lexapro 10mg, Lialda 2 pills a day, Rowasa enemas nightly

 
 

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