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Bailey2008
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2008
Total Posts : 33
   Posted 9/13/2008 11:09 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Everyone.
I'm so glad to have found you all. I hope I'll be able to be of help to others here too. Right now I'm feeling desperate, hopeless & totally forgotten by everyone. Sadly, I've been praying to die...things are so bad in every direction. I've been a nurse for nearly 30 years, but am now on Disability. Four+ years ago I hurt my back badly lifting too heavy. I also have multiple pain issues including: Fibromyalgia, Osteoarthritis, chronic regional pain syndrome, RSD, myofacial pain syndrome, heel spurs, multuiple herniated disc & pinced spinal nerves +++ Depression, PTSD, panic disorder,etc... If not for my faith I know I'd try to end my life...but I hope I never feel so over the edge that I would actually harm myself. I can't be sure I won't reach that point & am afraid.
When the medical/pain problems got so bad I could no longer work (in 2004), I lost EVERYTHING :-( !!! I lost my home, my boyfriend, career, friends, had to move back in w/ my mom & stepdad & had to claim bankruptcy b/c of medical bills. The worst is having to live w/ nt mom & s-dad! My real dad was my best friend but he died of a heart attack on the day I was moving in w/ him. I've never recovered from that loss. He knew my situation w/ my mom & s-dad & did all he could to help me. He was my rock. I have no siblings or anywhere else I can go. I can't handle living like I am now & there is no way out! I pray so hard! The pain is unbearable 24/7 & I have no medical insurance. I must pay for all meds & Dr. visits out of pocket, therefore I cant afford a place of my own. Medicare is useless! I'm not eligable for any Assistance b/c my mom-s-dad make too much money...yet I pay them $300 a mo. to live here. I desperately need my own place...I NEED HELP & SOMEONE TO TALK TO. I hope to find support here. Thank You!
Willow

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40590
   Posted 9/13/2008 11:25 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Willow,

I am so sorry for how things are going for you right now. I know the feeling of losing your goals with the fibromyalgia. I went through that also about the same time as you. I lost my business, but fortunately didn't lose my home, but thought I was losing my mind. I spent two years in bed with this disorder. Luckily I had a friend to take me places and make sure that I was okay. It wasn't until I started taking adderall that I was able to function.

I know that it is a tough living situation for you. If you got out into your own place would you be eligible for assisstance? That would be a thought. You are in need of your own life and some privacy when you want. I can understand how it feels to live under somebody elses roof. And it sounds like you might of had some issues before with sd.

We are here for you. So post whenever you need to. I want to welcome you to Healing Well. I usually do that first, but got caught up in the topic and I forgot. I think that you will find that this is a wonderful place to come and open up. Everybody here is very kind and compassionate and nobody judges here.

Are you going to any type of counseling? That is one thing that we try to recommend here. It really helps a lot. There are programs that will help you with that if you can't afford. Do you have to always put down the other income in the house hold. Could you explain that you are just renting space there and that their income has nothing to do with you? I really don't think that their income should effect you if you are paying them rent.

I hope that this helps in some small way anyway. I hope that you can live in the moment and not have to worry about the future so much. I wish for you a wonderful day.

Hugs, Karen...
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 9/13/2008 9:10 PM (GMT -7)   

Hello Willow and I am glad you found us.  It sounds like you have gone through many losses and I understand some of yourw well as I have experienced them.

I am a bit confused why you are not eligible for any medical assistance from your state as you are not insured by your step Father and they cannot claim you on their income taxes if you are paying them for living there.

I am also very concern about your feelings of not wanting to go on anymore.  You are an important person and everyone of us is here to make the world a better place because we live and serve within it.  This includes you.

I am posting these crisis numbers for you, please use them if you need to or call 911.

The US Suicide Hotline 1-800-784-2433

NDMDA Depression Hotline | Support Group. 800-826-3632

Suicide Prevention Services Crisis Hotline 800-784-2433

Suicide Prevention Services Depression Hotline 630-482-9696

Do you have a priest or minister you can talk with as you appear to be a woman of great faith.  Also do you seee a therapist?

Please keep the faith and know you can come here and vent.  We are thrilled to have you with us.

Hugs

Kitt


 

Kitt, Moderator: Anxiety/Panic & Depression
& GERD  Forums
*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
Not a mental health professional of any kind
It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.~Mahatma Gandhi~
Clickable Link: Anxiety-Panic Resources


Bailey2008
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2008
Total Posts : 33
   Posted 9/14/2008 8:08 AM (GMT -7)   
Thank you SO much for you replies! It feels like the first time I've gotten to 'talk' to someone(s) who understand in a long long time. My regular computer isn't working so I'm typing on my tiny cell phone keys :-) I've tried to get Medical Assistance at least 4 times and have been denied each time. My mom even wrote a note stating that "I was only renting a room from them & showed proof of my monthly payments to them", still I was denied b/c the Dept. of Public Assistance in PA provides assistance of any kind based on the income of the entire household. I've done everything I know of to get help but am always denied. I was getting help from the County's Mental Health Services & was in couseling thanks to them, but as soon as I got Medicare they dropped me, as did the Counseling Services I was receiving, immediately. I called churches for help, but since I'm not a member I was told they could not help me (unless I could provide a "Donation" each week which of coarse I could not afford. I could get Assistance if I got a place of my own, but I cannot afford to move & pay for my prescriptions & other bills. Plus, I have NO help at all. My mom & s-dad won't help me b/c they don't want me to leave & I have no friends or other family. Right now I'm sitting at the kitchen table, crying, gasping for air and sweating from the pain, and I may as well be invisable b/c they totally ignore my pain. I just want (NEED) my own small place & privacy. I can't handle this kind of existance...I need help so badly & much better pain control (which I cannot get) in order to find the strength to get out of the pit of pain, sadness & hopelessness that my life has become. I THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR LISTENING! My thoughts & prayers are with you all.
Willow

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40590
   Posted 9/14/2008 10:51 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Willow,

I am sorry that you are in such a situation. I know how badly you need a place of your own. We have a program here called tencon. It helps you with prescriptions and doctor's bills. Even if you are on medicaire. The only problem is that they don't tell you about these programs, you have to ask about them.

I can't believe that the churches wont help you unless you donate. Do they say how much you have to donate?

There has to be some way that you can get out of this situation. We here will try to come up with some suggestions for you.

Best wishes for a wonderful day

Hugs, Karen...
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


Robyn-Michelle
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 26
   Posted 9/14/2008 12:07 PM (GMT -7)   

Hey there,

Welcome to the forum! You should make sure you keep posting here.. it helped me so much because i felt that nobody understood.. and the truth is nobody did .. or could. 

Firstly if your parents are working and you are considered financially dependant on them because you cannot work.  If you can prove your disability from a doctor you should be covered under one of your parents insurance.  I know this because I once worked at a call centre for benefits medicar etc...  talk to your parents,  I am so sorry about your father.  I know it is hard.  But just remember-- he does not want to be the reason you are unhappy.  Live for him.

I thought my life was over at one point and felt as though i was waiting to die.  Don't listen to what others say, just do whatever you are capable of doing.  that is it.  I was a huge burden on others for along time.. lost my friends as well.  But it took me two years to finally find a friend who is worth my love.  It's a hard process huh

Do not be afraid to reach out and ask for help. 

p.s. if you were injured at work, you should be able to press charges/get financial help if they did not train you the proper way to lift with your back.  This is mandatory at hospitals.  If they did not teach you this-- or you were forced to lift something you knew was too heavy you should contact that place of work and see what your options are.

Hope I helped at least a little.

Things will look up for you, keep praying and you will succeed.  Believe in yourself, You WILL be ok, it's a learning process and once you've figured out how to set things straight your happiness will slowly come back to you.

Much love,

Robyn


The sun can't shine every day :)


Mochiah
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2007
Total Posts : 450
   Posted 9/14/2008 5:58 PM (GMT -7)   
Willow - I don't know of how much help this may be.....but it may help you get some assistance. I am also not sure where you are from, but that isn't important since everyplace has these.....get on your cell phone and start calling hotel/motel in your area and ask how much they charge for a kitchenette by the week for 1 person. This may actually add up to being less than what you are paying your mom and s-dad.....and you would be on your own and, therefore, eligible for assistance.
Mochiah/a.k.a. Sue
cervical fusion 2006
L4-5 surgery with cages, plates, and screws in 2005
MEDS:  Fentanyl patch, Norco, Celexa, trazodone, and Flexeril
 
To handle yourself, use your head...to handle others, use your heart
 
I'm going to smile like nothing is wrong, act like everything is perfect, and pretend its not hurting me.


Bailey2008
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2008
Total Posts : 33
   Posted 9/16/2008 7:18 AM (GMT -7)   
Again, Thank You all SO much for you support, encouragement and friendship. Right now the support I'm receiving here is the ONLY support and human contact that I have. Regarding my parents, they're both retired for a long time now. Both are abt 70 years old. They have wonderful health insurance & other investmnts, but I'm not eligable for anything from them. I pay them $300 a month + buy many other things/groceries/etc for the house. I know the money I give to them helps them a lot. Also, they rely on me much of the time to run errands for them, get groceries & other things for them. Neither of them seem to understand how much pain I'm in, nor do they seem to care. I've been in counseling for years b/c of PTSD, severe depression, panic attacks, etc, from emotional abuse I suffered at their hands which started at age 3. I never had a normal childhood & still seem to always end up living my life for "their happiness & comfort"... I've moved many times, even to other States, 1000's of miles away, but then end up back 'home' again. Now the chronic physical pain I have 24/7 keeps me here. I have NO privacy to have a boyfriend & after I had friends here to this house, they ran for cover! Anyone & everyone who knows how I must live, and who knows my mom & s-dad, wont come into this house. It's all so controlling & very dysfunctional. I used to attend al-anon & ACOA meetings (for the past 20 years) but now have too much pain to be able to get there & sit thru a meeting. All therapists & doctor's I've been to tell me I "Must Get my own place...that it's literally a life-death situation 4 me", but I have NO help, no support here, severe pain & an 8 month old puppy to care for. I love this puppy and he's now mine. My mom bought him, but when he was too much of a handful, she didn't want him. Even the dog is going mad living here! HELP!
Again, Thank You all SO much for being here to help me! I really need your support & encouragement! My thoughts and prayer's are with you all too. I know life is hard for everyone.
P.S. - the idea about renting a room w/ a kitchen-ette is a great one...but I have my puppy to care for & most places wont allow pets. I'm so thankful to have him. We're both outcasts here :-(
Willow

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40590
   Posted 9/16/2008 7:23 AM (GMT -7)   
Willow,

I just want to say how sorry I am you are living in a place that you aren't comfortable in. I hope that this situation can be resolved soon.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


Robyn-Michelle
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 26
   Posted 9/17/2008 5:09 PM (GMT -7)   
Hey there again
 
If your parents don't care, it's probably because they do not understand.  Have you tried going to counselling with them?  I know they are older but it couldn't hurt.  I see why you can't get covered under their benefits but there MUST be a way.  all you have to do is find it.  I believe in you, and there is hope.  Try to get into a comfortable situation asap, but keep believing in yourself.
I'm actually going to go do some research on this :) it doesn't seem fair at all
I'll let you know if I find anything helpful :)
The sun can't shine every day :)


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 9/17/2008 7:36 PM (GMT -7)   

Hey Willow,

I am sorry your running into dead ends.  Have you gone to the low income housing department in your state.  Ask for help from them in securing your own place. Don't give up, keep looking for some department to subsidise you.

Every day members of HealingWell recover their Self-esteem, their self-worth, their dreams, their pride, their dignity and a meaningful life.

I have great hopes for you to win your battle with depression.  Practice on staying in the moment and take it one step at a time.

Hugs

Kitt


 

Kitt, Moderator: Anxiety/Panic & Depression
& GERD  Forums
*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
Not a mental health professional of any kind
It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.~Mahatma Gandhi~
Clickable Link: Anxiety-Panic Resources


Bailey2008
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2008
Total Posts : 33
   Posted 9/18/2008 2:06 AM (GMT -7)   
Thank you so much again for keeping in touch and for your encouragement. It means SO much to me. Regarding my mom & s-dad, I know they care about me, and do know that they don't understand the pain (physically & emotionally) that I live with every hour of every day, for the past 8 years +++ I "want" them to be more supportive & understand how hard it is for me to keep up, run errands for them, vacuum the house, carry bags & bags of very heavy groceries & how hard it is for me to keep up with Bailey, our 8 month old puppy, who is exibiting very bad, hyperactive/aggressive & defiant behaviour. I do love my parents very much, but I try not to enable them to become too dependant on me. I'm an,excellent Codependant! My entire life has centered around helping eveyone...Now that I desperately need help, no one is here. I'm so thankful to have found HW! I do feel more optimistic and safe knowing that I can come here and find such genuine caring and support.
My thoughts & support are with you all as well :-)
Willow

snowflake
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2007
Total Posts : 595
   Posted 9/18/2008 3:30 AM (GMT -7)   
Evening Bailey life does sound such a struggle i know how the constant pain can wear you down ,not to mention having to live in the same house as you grew up in in such a way . I really have no answersfor you but can offer friendship as so many in HW have done for me .With out this place i know i would not be here .
I struggle each day with depression and pain some days are a lot worse than othersut with the help of the online friends i have got this far.
I do hope you can find some help where you live just to make life a bit more bearable.
Restless ( Jane )
~  we can not judge anyone unless we have walked in their shoes and have live through what they live through ~


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 9/18/2008 10:05 AM (GMT -7)   

HI Willow,

If you are under to much stress and pressure you need to tell your parents and make arrangements to not be the errand person all the time.

Is there something you have always wanted to do just for you, a hobby?

Try to channel some of your energy into doing for you and do not let others dictate how you live you life.

Stay strong
Kitt


 

Kitt, Moderator: Anxiety/Panic & Depression
& GERD  Forums
*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
Not a mental health professional of any kind
It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.~Mahatma Gandhi~
Clickable Link: Anxiety-Panic Resources


Bailey2008
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2008
Total Posts : 33
   Posted 9/18/2008 10:32 AM (GMT -7)   
Again, Thanks SO much for you words of comfort & encouragement. I "was" on the list for the County's Housing Authority. The waiting list in my County is VERY long. Unfortunately, it can take years for a place to become available. I was utterly very stupid recently! I moved with a "boyfriend" into his house w/ him earlier this summer. I thought things were going to work out well for us. I was so wrong! Of course the Housing Authority called me when things were going well very well for us. I really thought I'd found my safe place, my privacy & was so happy to be away from the dysfunction and demands of all negativeness thast I'd been living in for the past 4+ years. End result was that I'd lost my place with the Housing Authority. I'd been on the list for over 3 years, with no calls or communication from them & they made it very clear that I "was not to call them." Previous to them, I'd been in counseling (since 1988 on/off, as I could afford it.).
I'm so greatful to have all of you here! I've made such a mess of things & now the pain and depression make it feel impossible to ever find a more peaceful and un-lonely life :-(
Bless you all & lots of Love,
Willow

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40590
   Posted 9/21/2008 4:26 AM (GMT -7)   
I wonder if you could get back on that list. It may take a while, but it would be in progress. Also maybe you could get food stamps. If you only eat one meal aday with your family, you are eligible for your own. That would free up some of your money so that you could get the counseling.

Best wishes my friend,

Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

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