Introduction and why I'm here.

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3d artist
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2008
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 9/16/2008 9:08 AM (GMT -7)   
I'll just cut to the chase. I am a 30 year old male 3D artist working in the automotive engineering field. I have an associates in drafting and am working towards a bachelors in multimedia and game design, for those of you who will wonder how an artist ended up designing machines. I took the associates in drafting to ensure financial security.

The problems that I have and that I hope to get some insight on are numerous. First and foremost, I am extremely depressed. I have been since the onset of puberty. I had an emotionally abusive father and a dysfunctional environment as a child. This all left me with feelings of inadequacy and the need for constant approval. I of course ran away from all of this as soon as I finished high school and married and had a child with a drunken/drug addicted woman who verbally and mentally abused me also. Not to say that I wasn't strung out myself. Glad to say I am clean and have been for 5 years thanks to the support and love of my current wife. BTW the child is with me and is loved and taken very good care of. My current wife has fully embraced us both and is for all practical purposes the child's mother.

The problem currently is that a) I am still horribly depressed and b) I have made my wife horribly depressed I believe. It is so bad that she doesn't work, do housework hardly, and is very irritable most of the time. Don't take this as a bashing session because I am all of this also. She has some medical issues of her own (Poly Cystic Ovarian) that I am sure do contribute to these emotions. It's really become an issue in our life.

I am the only one that works even though it is emotionally draining for me to take on each new day. I work anywhere from 45 to 50 hours a week. I do this while going to college full time and maintaining a 3.74 gpa. I am very busy and completely worn out. So, come home and the house is a wreck, there's no dinner, and she was in bed till 12 or 1 o'clock, I feel taken advantage of. Then when the bills come in and there's no money left (if I am lucky, sometimes there isn't enough to pay them) and she ignores this fact, I get angry and resentful. Now, we have been served with 3 court papers for bills that we owe from years ago and there just isn't any money to pay this. Our car got repossessed. I need help earning the money and she just can't or won't do it.

She also has sort of cheated on me. Nothing physical but I still consider it a form of cheating. She was having "cybersex" with a guy online and even a little on the phone. She said she did it because she was confused and sad and that it will never happen again. I believe her but it still really hurts. It like "This is the thanks for all the hard work." I understand how someone who is in the depths of depression can do something like that.

I feel bad because I feel like I contributed significantly to her depression. This feeds my anger and depression and causes my to withdraw which I know depresses her further. I have no money for marriage counseling. I haven't got the emotional stability to support her through this. I feel so trapped.

I want to get better. I want her to get better. I want to make goals and have them happen. I want to succeed. I want all of this for my son, for her, and for myself. I have no idea what to do or how to make it better.

I posted this here because mostly I am hoping that someone has been in a similar enough situation and can offer some insight or advise. Also, I just needed to get this all out because it was eating me alive. I really want to be with her. I love her so much and I couldn't stand to lose her. I am willing to do what it takes to make things work. I just don't know where to start.

BTW I've mentioned getting marriage counseling before when I discovered that she had been having an online affair and she said she wouldn't do it.

Post Edited (3d artist) : 9/16/2008 10:20:54 AM (GMT-6)


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40565
   Posted 9/16/2008 9:32 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi 3dartist,

Welcome to HealingWell.

Boy, you sure have a lot going on. I think that counseling is the best option right now, even if she wont go. Go for yourself, you need the support.

You can't blame yourself for her condition. Chances are it would have happened anyway. Most of the time it is a physical condition, though at times it could be conditional. But she has to want to get better, you can't force her. I am sure that you already realize that. But please go for yourself, like I said, you do need the support right now. You are taking on the whole load if she isn't doing anything around the house at all. I know that depression makes you want to sleep. I had that problem too. Just lately I have been getting up earlier than usual. But I still often sit around and do nothing.

I know that this might not be much help, but I am sure that others will come on and offer their advice, hopefully you can figure out what is best for you. Take it one day at a time. Try to encourage her to go to counseling. You are doing the best you can and that is all that you can do. I am happy that you have your son.

Hugs, Karen...
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


enWayen
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 585
   Posted 9/16/2008 9:44 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi 3D

Welcome to HW! You will find a lot of caring people here, and I hope that we will be able to help you out the best we can.
I want to say that I am proud of you for taking the major step of telling others how you feel!

I am no professional whatsoever, and please keep in mind that most of the things I say are assumptions etc. But I believe in what they call "karma", in a way that sadness will spread amongst people, just as positive energy would. I can't deny that your wife can feel sad because of you feeling sad, but this is absolutely no reason for you to blame yourself for. Blaming yourself is of no use, never. It will only make things worse.

Anyway, we can reverse what I said. If you can get out of your downs, everything will brighten up equally. Don't let this put any pressure on you though, stress is equally "useless".

I just read what I wrote, and it is all a bit, well, philosophical? I don't know whether that will help you, but to continue (since I am afraid philosophical thoughts is all I can share :) ), maybe you can try to "stay in the moment" more. What I mean with that, is that sometimes you could try to focus on what is happening right now, since now is only moment you will ever experience. There isn't a single moment in your life when it is not "now". This helps me at least to focus on the moment, and forget about the stresses and negativity of the past and the future. Also, you can learn yourself to smile every time you catch yourself having negative thoughts. Smiling will make the world smile back.

I have absolutely no idea whether this has helped, and my apologies if it don't. I hope everything everything will work out in a positive way.

All the very best!!
Erik
Acceptance is the key

Existential depression and Insecurity

Try to keep smiling! :)


3d artist
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2008
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 9/17/2008 8:09 AM (GMT -7)   
Thanks for the kind words. I made a decision yesterday after reading what you all had posted in response. I can't really do anything about making her well. She has to do. I of course will support her but I can't do it for her. I on the other hand can and will make myself better. I hope the synergy from my good energy will pick her back up and help her get on the right path.

I started meditating again last night and that seemed to help. I will try to constantly remind myself to do it. I will also try to exercise although it's hard to find time. That I guess is an excuse and I just need to do it though.

I've been trying the smile when I feel bad thing and it's hard but I think it might help. Anyhow, like I said I do feel a bit better today. Hopefully, tomorrow will be better.

enWayen
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 585
   Posted 9/17/2008 10:15 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi 3d,

Sounds great! As you said, you can't change others, but your energy and attitude to life can, and will. I was lucky enough to witness that myself.

Meditation is a great way to get "in the moment", and to get you in balance with life again. Exercise will also help a lot to get a positive spirit (and be physically more resistant to disease, since depression can lower your immune-system). It is no problem if you can't find time right now, because someday you will have time, and just as important, the right mood for exercise.

Anyway, I am proud of you! I hope you can keep up the positive mood, and don't put blame on anything when the positivity goes away. It will come back.

All the best!
Erik
Acceptance is the key

Existential depression and Insecurity

Try to keep smiling! :)


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 9/17/2008 7:56 PM (GMT -7)   

Hello 3D,

Welcome to HealingWell and the Depression Forum.  I am very gald you found our site and I hope we can meet your expectations.

Sometimes we get stressed out when everything happens all at once. When this happens, you  should take a deep breath and try to find something to do for a few minutes to get your mind off of the problem.  You  could get some fresh air, listen to some music, or do an activity that will give you  a fresh perspective on things.

 Visualize a red stop sign in your  mind when you  encounter a fear provoking thought. When the negative thought comes, you  should think of a red stop sign that serves as a reminder to stop focusing on that thought and to think of something else. You can then try to think of something positive to replace the negative thought.

Learn to take it one day at a time. Instead of worrying about how you will get through the rest of the week or coming month, try to focus on today. Each day can provide us with different opportunities to learn new things and that includes learning how to deal with your problems. Focus on the present and stop trying to predict what may happen next week. Next week will take care of itself

Instead of focusing on doom, stay in the moment. Give yourself breathing space. Consider what matters to you. Establish a few manageable goals, then take small steps toward achieving them.

I hope this helps you.  Do you see a therapist for yourself?  That would be a good idea.  You can only change you, you cannot change another person.

Take care and keep posting

Kitt


 

Kitt, Moderator: Anxiety/Panic & Depression
& GERD  Forums
*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
Not a mental health professional of any kind
It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.~Mahatma Gandhi~
Clickable Link: Anxiety-Panic Resources


3d artist
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2008
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 9/18/2008 5:36 AM (GMT -7)   
I don't see a therapist. I am pretty convinced that I should but it's going to be difficult for me to. I am totally broke so that's the biggest problem. So, it'll have to wait until I can some other things taken care of and I can afford it. Reading these posts and hearing all of your suggestions have helped alot. I've also talked to my wife and that's helped to. So, I am hopeful that things will be better eventually.

stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 9/18/2008 9:59 AM (GMT -7)   

Good Morning,

I hope you can get to therapy as it will help you.  There are many kinds of therapy.

Check our resources listed to the right of this post. You will find lots of helpful ideas in the resource center.

Take care

Kitt


 

Kitt, Moderator: Anxiety/Panic & Depression
& GERD  Forums
*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
Not a mental health professional of any kind
It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.~Mahatma Gandhi~
Clickable Link: Anxiety-Panic Resources

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