I'll just cut to the chase. I am a 30 year old male 3D artist working in the automotive engineering field. I have an associates in drafting and am working towards a bachelors in multimedia and game design, for those of you who will wonder how an artist ended up designing machines. I took the associates in drafting to ensure financial security.
The problems that I have and that I hope to get some insight on are numerous. First and foremost, I am extremely depressed. I have been since the onset of puberty. I had an emotionally abusive father and a dysfunctional environment as a child. This all left me with feelings of inadequacy and the need for constant approval. I of course ran away from all of this as soon as I finished high school and married and had a child with a drunken/drug addicted woman who verbally and mentally abused me also. Not to say that I wasn't strung out myself. Glad to say I am clean and have been for 5 years thanks to the support and love of my current wife. BTW the child is with me and is loved and taken very good care of. My current wife has fully embraced us both and is for all practical purposes the child's mother.
The problem currently is that a) I am still horribly depressed and b) I have made my wife horribly depressed I believe. It is so bad that she doesn't work, do housework hardly, and is very irritable most of the time. Don't take this as a bashing session because I am all of this also. She has some medical issues of her own (Poly Cystic Ovarian) that I am sure do contribute to these emotions. It's really become an issue in our life.
I am the only one that works even though it is emotionally draining for me to take on each new day. I work anywhere from 45 to 50 hours a week. I do this while going to college full time and maintaining a 3.74 gpa. I am very busy and completely worn out. So, come home and the house is a wreck, there's no dinner, and she was in bed till 12 or 1 o'clock, I feel taken advantage of. Then when the bills come in and there's no money left (if I am lucky, sometimes there isn't enough to pay them) and she ignores this fact, I get angry and resentful. Now, we have been served with 3 court papers for bills that we owe from years ago and there just isn't any money to pay this. Our car got repossessed. I need help earning the money and she just can't or won't do it.
She also has sort of cheated on me. Nothing physical but I still consider it a form of cheating. She was having "cybersex" with a guy online and even a little on the phone. She said she did it because she was confused and sad and that it will never happen again. I believe her but it still really hurts. It like "This is the thanks for all the hard work." I understand how someone who is in the depths of depression can do something like that.
I feel bad because I feel like I contributed significantly to her depression. This feeds my anger and depression and causes my to withdraw which I know depresses her further. I have no money for marriage counseling. I haven't got the emotional stability to support her through this. I feel so trapped.
I want to get better. I want her to get better. I want to make goals and have them happen. I want to succeed. I want all of this for my son, for her, and for myself. I have no idea what to do or how to make it better.
I posted this here because mostly I am hoping that someone has been in a similar enough situation and can offer some insight or advise. Also, I just needed to get this all out because it was eating me alive. I really want to be with her. I love her so much and I couldn't stand to lose her. I am willing to do what it takes to make things work. I just don't know where to start.
BTW I've mentioned getting marriage counseling before when I discovered that she had been having an online affair and she said she wouldn't do it.
Post Edited (3d artist) : 9/16/2008 10:20:54 AM (GMT-6)