well, i guess i drove her away

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Regular Member

Date Joined Aug 2004
Total Posts : 472
   Posted 9/22/2008 8:08 AM (GMT -6)   

This Nov. would have been 20 years we've been married and we dated for 4. Just two months ago she left with the kids....................................................................................I hate living like this


She’s the only person I’ve ever been with and I was convinced we were going to grow old together. I knew she was unhappy, but I thought it was from stress. We've been under financual stress for severial years and my health has been really bad for the past 2 years.


 She never really talked to me about it. So when she said we're over, I was crushed! I suggested we see counseling as a couple or individually. That we could do things to reduce stress, something anything, but for us to try to work things out somehow. She wanted nothing to do with that.


I had been depressed for sometime leading up to this.....and this was more then I could take. I was taken to the hospital for the fist of my three inpatient stays. I got to see a side of my wife that I had never seen before. COLD. She thought I was trying to manipulate her by saying I didn't want to go on without her and the kids. The only thing that stopped me was the kids.


The last hospital I went to used a method I had never heard about before. it was called EMDR or Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing. It did wonders for me. It helped me process things that I hadn't been able to process before.


After my last stay at the hospital, I was together enough to go bring and get my kids back home. Up until then my wife wouldn't let me know or let the kids tell me where they were.They were 16.5 hours away.


Now that I am getting back into life(back to work and the kids back to school), I seem to be loosing some of that progress I had made over the past few months. Anytime I do something, see something, hear something they all remind me of my old life.


I just wish she could give me a solid reason as to why. and why she was so unwilling to work on things. I know there's nothing I can do to change here mind, which doesn't mean I didn't try, but sure wish I could do something about it.


39, Married
Had problems (pain, bleeding, nausea) since age 13.

Dx'd with Crohn's in Spring of 1991.

Resection that December

Broke the L1(mid back) in 1999

went on Remicade in early 2004.

Pain Doc believes the LLQ pain are pinched nerves

Electrical spinal cord stimulator implant july 3, 17, Aug 27
on the third try now.. :( ..

Post Edited (JohnD) : 9/22/2008 11:01:28 AM (GMT-6)

getting by
Forum Moderator

Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 41606
   Posted 9/22/2008 9:54 AM (GMT -6)   
HI John,

Could you explain a little more about the situation? Why she left? Have you considered counseling to sort this out? It sounds like you need to start a new life of your own. I am so sorry for your loss of family. Are you able to see the kids?

I wish the best for you, let us know a little more of what is going on.

hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

Veteran Member

Date Joined Jan 2006
Total Posts : 2408
   Posted 9/22/2008 10:20 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi John,

It sounds like she has been unhappy for a while and it was only going to be a matter of time before this happened. If she wasnt able to talk to you able the problems then I dont think that anything you would have done would have changed the outcome. Like Karen, I am wondering if you can still see the kids? Do you know where they are? Getting back on your feet can be hard sometimes but your not a failure if you get knocked down, only if you dont get back up.

Please be strong and keep talking to us... Communcation is a great medicine.

Everyone has a guardian angel. They help pick you up when you fall, comfort you through your times of need and help you appreciate the times when things are going well.
"A gold medal is a wonderful thing. But if your not enough without it, you will never be enough with it." - Irvine Blitzer (John Candy) in Cool Runnings
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Co-Moderator - Depression Forum
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Forum Moderator

Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 9/22/2008 11:31 AM (GMT -6)   

Good Morning this is Kitt.  I am so sorry this has happened to you.

I question too, what brought her to leave and have the children 16 1/2 hours from what they knew as home.

If I read correctly, you have the children and life is looking better.

Why would she up and leave with them and move 800 miles away?
Do you suspect another person in the picture.  Her refusal to see a counselor tells me she wanted out, no discussion about it.

I know that phsicians don't admit patients unless they feel they need to be so you could not fake being admitted to manipulate your wife.

WE are here to support you so keep posting.



Kitt, Moderator: Anxiety/Panic & Depression
& GERD  Forums
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
Not a mental health professional of any kind
It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.~Mahatma Gandhi~
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Regular Member

Date Joined Aug 2004
Total Posts : 472
   Posted 9/22/2008 11:49 AM (GMT -6)   

She said it was her turn to be happy. So she took some of the money we took out of my 401k and she bought a second hand RV with it. That was part of her grand plan to drop out of "normal society" and join up with basically the circus. No way to fix the RV when it breaks down, no solid plans, no real way to support herself, no insurance. I just don't get it.

God was life really that bad when she was with me?

Hell, we went through all the same crap together. I thought we were supposed to be a team. I guess not...

39, Married
Had problems (pain, bleeding, nausea) since age 13.

Dx'd with Crohn's in Spring of 1991.

Resection that December

Broke the L1(mid back) in 1999

went on Remicade in early 2004.

Pain Doc believes the LLQ pain are pinched nerves

Electrical spinal cord stimulator implant july 3, 17, Aug 27
on the third try now.. :( ..

Veteran Member

Date Joined Oct 2005
Total Posts : 4031
   Posted 9/22/2008 4:57 PM (GMT -6)   

Hi John, I am sorry things have turned out this way for you.  I know it is difficult, I am divorsed so I understand greatly.  For the longest time I tried to figure out what I had done wrong in our relationship, what I could of fixed or done better to of made him love me.  But eventually I had to stop taking all the blame and responsibility for the failure of my marriage.  It does take two to stay married and it takes two to fall apart.

Whatever happened or didnt happen in your marriage your going to have to forgive yourself and eventually even your ex.  It isnt healthy to dwell and try to change the past.  Once I was able to forgive myself for my failures in my marriage and also forgive my exhusband it felt like a weight had been lifted off of my shoulders. 

Please keep posting, it does help wink

Co~Mod: Depression
Moderator: Heart & Cardiovascular Disease

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