MY HUSBAND IS A CHEATER

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shobna
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2008
Total Posts : 14
   Posted 9/24/2008 7:59 AM (GMT -7)   

I was 19 when i met this man , who was 20 year older then me.As he was already a family Friend it was not a difficult situation for me to be comfortable with him.Eventually we got so close to each other and fell in love.We got married 2 year later when I was 21 and he was 41 year old.He even had 2 boys 8 and 12 at that time, which was not a big deal for me as i was in love with him and always wanted him to have his children with him.

It's been 4 year that I'm married and have no child of mine own because of our financial condition and also sometime we had issue regarding our relationship.As a lot of times we use to fight a lot.

Now I have this feeling of having my own child and my husband is also okay about it but i have health issue which makes me feel very depress.

Now I've found out that he was cheating on me the whole time.He has been going on adult website for his sexual pleasure.i was aware of it but i always ignored it as he always said that those were just his wild fantasy and that it's nothing serious.

All these years he was fooling me that he love me and was doing on adult website looking for people for having discreet sexual relationship.

He was addicted to reading all kind of incest stories and watching naked pics of women all the time.

Recently he got involved with a couple you was ready to have a THREESOME sex with my husband.And my husband was very excited about the whole thing.

2 days back I found all the emails regarding this planning of meeting up.

After I have confronted him on this, he is saying that he is very guilty and is ready to repent. But somehow i don't want to believe him.He is very good in convincing people.

After all this had happened ,I don't want to have a child with him, as for the last 4 years , this man was not serious about having a child or future planning.

At this point of my life, I''m alone and helpless and i don't have anybody to advice me what to do.

I've even thought about giving him a DIVORCE but still not sure as that is not easy as well.

Somebody please advice me if YOU UNDERSTAND my situation what I'm going trough right now.

I NEED TO MAKE MY DECISION ASAP.

SHOULD I FORGIVE HIM AND GIVE ANOTHER CHANCE OR LEAVE HIM AS HE CAN REPEAT THAT AGAIN AND NEXT TIME HE WILL BE EXTRA CAREFUL??

PLEASE ADVICE


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40599
   Posted 9/24/2008 9:26 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Shobna,

First of all, I would like to welcome you to the forum. I am so happy that you came here to discuss your situation.

This isn't easy to give advice on. It is a huge decision. But I don't know that he will stop with his sexual fantasies. And having a threesome with another couple isn't my idea of a healthy relationship for you. You are at risk of all kinds of std's and getting something worse like hiv or aids. That is if he isn't being careful. You might want to take a break from this relationship and see what happens.

Also with the age difference, that has to be hard. When you are fourty he will be sixty. I am married to an older man too though and we get along really well. So this isn't very good advice.

I am hopeing that somebody else will come along and give some better and more distinctive advice. But if I was you, I would take a break and see what happens. He is being very selfish and risking your life in the meantime.

I hope that this helps some.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 9/24/2008 10:01 AM (GMT -7)   

Shobna,

Welcome to HealingWell.  We are glad you found us and sharing your life with us was very brave of you.

Please remember these are just ideas to help you cope but you have the power over your life and will make the right decision.

There are some things you can do to decide if you are in the wrong relationship and if you need to get out.

Is your spouse abusive? If your spouse has abused you in the past, he probably will do so again in the future.

Has your spouse cheated on you? For some people this is unforgivable. If your partner has cheated on you you need to decide if you will be able to forgive him or not.

Are you happy in the relationship? Sit back for a moment and think to yourself 'Am I happy in my relationship?' If you are happy, then great! If you're not happy then you need to ask another question. Ask yourself 'Can I foresee myself ever being happy in this relationship?'

Is there anything wrong with Divorce? This is a moral decision you need to decide for yourself.. When people are confronted with the possibility of divorce, they usually think about how other people will judge them morally if they get divorced.

The decision to divorce is never easy, but you do have options. You need to be able to look at your life as whole and decide if it is good or bad. You also need to look at every possible aspect of your relationship with your spouse and see if the good outweighs the bad, or if the bad outweighs the good. Sometimes your judgment is clouded when you only focus on the good or only on the bad. The bottom line is to do what you need to do to have a more fulfilling and happy life.

If you can see yourself being happy if some small changes are made, then it might be worth your effort to get marital counseling. I want to mention here that the small changes must come from inside you. You do not have the power to change anyone else (including your spouse).

It appears your husband has an issue with internet sex and he truly is in need of therapy.  But he has to want to change.

Keep posting.

Again Welcome
Kitt

 


 

Kitt, Moderator: Anxiety/Panic & Depression
& GERD  Forums
*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
Not a mental health professional of any kind
It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.~Mahatma Gandhi~
Clickable Link: Anxiety-Panic Resources


shobna
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2008
Total Posts : 14
   Posted 9/24/2008 10:45 AM (GMT -7)   
HI KAREN & KITT,
 
I must thank you both that you are doing such a good job  in helping people.
 
Rightnow, I'm very depressed and sometimes my anxiety level becomes very bad.I'be been talking to my husband and he is ready to make the change and as far as conselling is says that he is okay but it will cost a lot of money.
 
I want to give him another chance as I dont have any proof of him having a sexual relationship with anybody.
His last email was that he is not confirtable if the lady is not open about sex and so he refused for it.
 
His problem is that he doe'nt understand the depression i'm going through , when i talk to him about my feelings.He will listen to me but i dont get much help out of it. As he is not emotional and i feel he only thinks for himself.
 
Whatever he has done in the past , according to him was his bad doing , but the love was always there.
He also says that he love me a lot and so he is willing to change for the good
 
But I'm still insecure for future as it is too early for me to believe him 100%. Also th ebig question is having a child , it's been already 4 years now and thinking of having a child is another thing.We were planning for a baby soon and now everything is messed up fo now.
 
How can i tell him that I'm not happy rightnow and that i have major depression and I need his help and patience to let me come out of it.
 
 KINDLY ADVICE ME ON THAT.
 
THANKS
SHOBNA

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40599
   Posted 9/24/2008 1:00 PM (GMT -7)   
Shobna,

The best thing that you can do is be completely honest. If you find it hard to talk to him, I would write it down on a piece of paper and give it to him. I find that I have a hard time about talking about things that are intimate, so I write it down. That gets it out in the open.

You are really a sweetheart to forgive him for everything, but make sure that you are happy in the relationship. If you have to, take things one day at a time. Really that is all you can do. Because worrying about the future is going to make your anxiety flare up. And make your depression worse.

I am glad that he is going to go to counseling. He might have an addiction when it comes to things of such a sexual nature. Hopefully they will be able to help him.

Best wishes to you, keep on posting. I have found that coming here is very therapeudic.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


mom9mom
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2008
Total Posts : 489
   Posted 9/26/2008 1:16 AM (GMT -7)   
nono  I can`t tell you to leave him or to stay, no one else can do this for you. This must be decide by you.You would never be happy if you did not decide for your self. But there is one thing I wanted to talk to you about.You said that you are alone and helpless.As most woman get older thay find out that this is not true.You are alot stronger then you think.If you need to go to some self-a-steam classes.then go. You need to become a strong person for your self and for any children you may have.Being a strong and confadent woman can only strangthen a good marrage.If it is not a good marrage  then at lest you will beable to stand on your own two feet.
Lost half of my small intestine, Nerve damage to right leg,part of my right hip bone removed,hernia,infection in my back called discites,and depression


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 9/26/2008 2:41 AM (GMT -7)   

Good Morning Shobna,

This is Kitt, and I am glad your husband and you are talking. I agree with Karen that honesty is the best way to tell your husband about your anxiety.  I would also advice that you don't phrase your comments in an accusatory manner.  Tell him how You feel but don't blame him for your feelings.  Ask for his help.

Mom9 is also right, many depressed people have low self esteem and as we get older and think of being more assertive, we often take the easy way out and stay in the easy lane.

You are a wonderful person so look in the mirror, smile and tell yourself you are worthy, smart and capable of becoming stronger.

I believe you well get better.  Take care and ((((((((Hugs))))))))

Kitt

 


 

Kitt, Moderator: Anxiety/Panic & Depression
& GERD  Forums
*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
Not a mental health professional of any kind
It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.~Mahatma Gandhi~
Clickable Link: Anxiety-Panic Resources


shobna
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2008
Total Posts : 14
   Posted 10/8/2008 2:18 PM (GMT -7)   
sad  
 
Dear All,
 
For the last couple of weeks, my husband is really trying to change himself.But still sometimes it's very difficult to trust him, a lot of times i get disturb by all bad thought about him.
I know only time can tell whether how serious he is to change himself but meanwhile how i should control myself.
 
Also i'm extremely emotional and romantic person and he is the opposite of that.How can I try to tell him what I'm looking in him without making him feel ofended.
 
He is 46 and I'm 25 , I can't wait for more time if i want to have a baby with him. I told him that i need sometime as i dont have 100% trust in him.
 
Please advcie as what I should do regarding these 3 matter which are bothering me and i need to make up my mind, so that I'm happy with him and also that i can keep him happy as well.
 
 
Thank
 
Shobna

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40599
   Posted 10/8/2008 3:13 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Shobna,

Why does it seem to be all about him? You want to please him, keep him happy. This is a two way street. He should try to keep you happy too.

Don't bring a baby into an unstable relationship. That isn't fair to the child. Either you want to have one and take care of it, or you don't. If you can't depend on him to be there for you, you can't figure him into the plan of making a family. Be fair to the child in these decisions.

He is a lot older than you. My husband is 16 years older than me, but that doesn't always work for everybody. So think of it this way, when you are 40 he will be 61. Make sure that you are going to be able to handle that. Or take it one day at a time. When you take it one day at a time, there is no worrying about the future or no dwelling on the past. But that means forgiving and forgetting. If you really think he is honestly trying, then drop the unfaithfulness that he has shown you. You can't be bringing that back up. Leave it behind you.

I hope that I have put some things in perspective for you, though I probably confused you more than anything. I didn't mean to. There will be others with more advice I am sure. Try to hold on.

Hugs, Karen...
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 10/8/2008 4:07 PM (GMT -7)   

Hello,

I don't know if you can make someone a romantic, what was he like when you met him.  Also if he cheated on you, you have to deal with that.  You must decided if you can live with that or not. I could tell you what I would do but I am not in your shoes. smhair

You want a baby and he does not. Karen is right never use having a baby to try to save a marriage.  You are young enough that you still have time to have children with a man that respects you and treats you as an equal.

Just my 2 cents tonight.  (((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))) for you.

Kitt


 

Kitt, Moderator: Anxiety/Panic & Depression
& GERD  Forums
*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
Not a mental health professional of any kind
It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.~Mahatma Gandhi~
Clickable Link: Anxiety-Panic Resources

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