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Kamarate
New Member


Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 10/10/2008 3:10 PM (GMT -7)   
First of all, hello to everyone. I'm new, and I don't really know what else to tell you other than to launch into my spiel.
 
At the end of August, we had to have our dog put to sleep. Going in there and being with him while they did it was horrible, and terribly upsetting. I returned to uni a few weeks ago, and had started to put it behind me when a very close friend of mine (someone who I consider more a brother than a friend) went missing. He had been missing for almost a week when his girlfriend rang me and told me that his body had been found. There still remains a police investigation, but it's almost certain that he committed suicide.
 
At first I was shocked. Throughout the week he had been missing, I hadn't cried or even been that worried, to be honest. I think I had discounted the possibility of suicide because I didn't want to face it. For that reason, when I got the call, I was taken aback. In the days that followed, I shed many tears. However, now I seem to have gone into some weird state where I can't seem to cry any more. I have photos of him all over my wall, and I can look at them no problem. I almost feel like after accepting he was gone, I've reverted back to not believing it's real.
 
My mood is very difficult to describe. I feel extremely angry all the time, but have to surpress it. Like I say, I seem to be a bit numb, unable to outwardly grieve, yet I have this constant deep feeling of nausea, like I really want to cry and it's building up and building up, but I can't let it out.
 
His funeral is on Monday. The thing I'm dreading most is seeing his girlfriend, a good friend of mine. She's a complete wreck and has now started saying things like she doesn't think she'll make it to Tuesday and she's full of dark nothingness. If she did something to herself, I think that would push me over the edge and I would have a complete breakdown.
 
I'm not really sure what I'm expecting from all of you, I don't even know if I'm depressed. I've started seeing a counsellor, which will hopefully help. I just don't feel like my life will ever be the same again.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40595
   Posted 10/10/2008 3:41 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Kamarate,

I am so sorry to hear of such loss. This is horrible. You must be devastated inside. I know what you mean about not being able to cry. I lost my nephew three weeks ago due to suicide. I did cry about it today but I don't think I have really let it out so to speak. But that will come when it is time. Your grieving will too. There are no rules when it comes to that. We all do it in our own way and there is no right or wrong. So just allow yourself to do what you do and you will be okay. As for your friend, just be there the best that you can and I am sure that she will be grateful.

I know that you probably have a lot of unanswered questions as I do in this situation. But we can't try to figure things out. They will fall into place as they should. And you always have the memories.

Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers through this difficult time.

Best wishes,
Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 10/10/2008 3:43 PM (GMT -7)   

Dear Kamarate

First of all, Welcome to HealingWell.   I am glad you found us. I am so sorry about your pet and your good friend.

Grief is a normal and healthy response to loss, not an illness. Its symptoms are painful, but they serve an adaptive purpose. Most grief runs its course with the support of your friends/family. But sometimes grief can trigger depression .


When grief triggers depression, the sadness can be unrelenting and overwhelming. Some people describe it as “living in a black hole” or having a feeling of impending doom. Even when participating in activities you used to enjoy, you feel as if you are just “going through the motions.” You may also feel numb, lifeless and empty.

I would like to encourage you continuing with your  counseling to help you through this painful time. One on one counseling can help you understand your feelings as well as teach you skills to cope with your pain.

Gentle Hugs to you

Kitt

 


 

Kitt, Moderator: Anxiety/Panic & Depression
& GERD  Forums
*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
Not a mental health professional of any kind
It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.~Mahatma Gandhi~
Clickable Link: Anxiety-Panic Resources


Kamarate
New Member


Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 10/10/2008 3:50 PM (GMT -7)   
Thank you for the replies.

I'm sorry to hear about your loss, getting by. I think it's about a million times worse when someone commits suicide. You're not just sad, you're angry, confused, guilty etc.

My mother has had depression in the past, I don't know if it's something that lends itself to a genetic link or not, but I am very cautious, having had her describe it to me. I've always been a happy person, but I've never been devastated in such a way. With term having just started, I feel like I haven't been given the opportunity and time I need to heal, I've had to launch straight into work and I don't know how well I'm going to cope.

I have taken to drinking and starting fights while out. This is something I'm not proud of, and I don't like my housemates having to explain to all and sundry why I'm acting that way. I'm also single, and feel like I want the comfort of a man, any man, but there have been a few complications in that department recently, which are also bringing me down.

I have good days and bad days, and I suppose that today has just been one of the bad ones.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40595
   Posted 10/10/2008 4:07 PM (GMT -7)   
Today certainly wasn't my best day. But it is coming towards the end and I am chosing to relax with it for the night, in hopes of a better tomorrow. I hope that your tomorrow is better too.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 10/11/2008 10:13 AM (GMT -7)   

Kamarte

I am so sorry you have to go through this.  My son died at age 21 in a car crash in August 1990. Our youngest son had to leave for his first year of college the end of August and he struggled very hard.  Changed his major and came home as often as he could to be there for me.  The beginning of a new chapter of his life turned sad instead of exciting. His college was 250 miles from home.

Well, he made it through that first year and went on to do excellent.  He joined a lot of community service groups and I believe in my heart he did that to honor his brother's life.

I was very proud to be in the audience the night he was chosen Homecoming King at NDSU.  In his speech he thanked his Mom.  I cried of course. turn

I would love to see you not rely on drinking and anger to get you through this.  I do not believe your friend would want to see you devestated but rather to see you understand that he was very ill and in great pain and he did not mean to make others so sad,  He just did not know.

Gentle Hugs
Kitt


 

Kitt, Moderator: Anxiety/Panic & Depression
& GERD  Forums
*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
Not a mental health professional of any kind
It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.~Mahatma Gandhi~
Clickable Link: Anxiety-Panic Resources


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40595
   Posted 10/11/2008 11:35 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Kamarate,

Kitt is right, please don't let drinking alcohol and anger control you. You are too sweet of a person for that.

I am having a much better day today than yesterday. I hope that you are too. Keep trying my friend, you will get there. It is hard at this time, but time heals our wounds. Be good to yourself.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


Aurora60
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1249
   Posted 10/11/2008 3:33 PM (GMT -7)   

Hi Kamarate,  I had to put my dog to sleep a week ago and I know what pain it is to go through. My sons and I were in the room when the vet gave him the shot.  He just went peacefully to sleep.  We felt it was necessary for us to be in the room with our dog to have him know we were with him in life and in passing.  It was an act of kindness.  I am still trying to recover but it does get better.  I am also so very sorry about your friend.  It is such a tragedy.  Right now the best thing you can do is be a good friend to his girlfriend.  You don't even have to say much - just being there for her and holding her hand or hugging her will help.  As Karen said and I have said many times before, time is the healer of all wounds.  I know it seems like time is standing still right now but it will pass and you will go on to get better.  In the meantime, try to take very good care of yourself.  Counseling can help you or even a grief support group if there is one where you are. Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing.  The people on this forum are very caring and someone is always here to answer your posts.

Gentle hugs,

Aurora


Kamarate
New Member


Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 10/12/2008 3:40 AM (GMT -7)   
Thanks for all the kind and supportive words.

I'm sorry to hear about all of your losses, bereavement is a horrible thing to experience.

I'm not much different at the moment, just as robotic and now fairly apathetic to most things, including study. I honestly don't care about anything. A few days ago I was panicking about my financial situation and now I don't think I could care less. The only thing I am feeling right now is frustration at being unable to let out any emotion. In order to attempt to rectify this, I did bite my hand the other day. It was strange, I just felt the urge to do it and it eleviated some of the tension I was feeling. Clearly this is not a productive thing to do, but again, I don't really care.

stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 10/12/2008 6:52 AM (GMT -7)   

Good Morning,

I was stuck in time when my son died and I could not understand how the rest of the world kept spinning.  I cried my heart out for him, for me and because I was so afraid that people would forget him.

I finally learned that the world is for the living and for those that have died, they have their own special place. I was angry but it always gave way to tears of grief.  I had my sons belongings surrounding me and you do not.  I clung to his letter jacket.  Those things helped me see I could not stay in that place, I had to move on and remember all the wonderful family I still had.

I think your just feeling numb now and lost in the grief of losing a dear friend.  The tears will come,  don't try  to force them.  Take care my friend and know we care.

Kitt


 

Kitt, Moderator: Anxiety/Panic & Depression
& GERD  Forums
*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
Not a mental health professional of any kind
It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.~Mahatma Gandhi~
Clickable Link: Anxiety-Panic Resources


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40595
   Posted 10/12/2008 9:43 AM (GMT -7)   
Kamarate,

When I was little I use to bite my hand. I would leave bad teeth marks. And I can remember it was due to frustaration, I think. That was so long ago.LOL... But I always had a habit of hurting myself when things got frustrating for me. I think that I have finally out grown that. I hope so.

I hope that things are going better for you, just remember to let everything fall into place. You will be fine, it just takes time and there are no limits on how much time it will take. So there is no right and no wrong in grieving sweetie, just take it as it comes.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

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