My past is ruining everything I want

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paul89
New Member


Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 10/13/2008 5:26 AM (GMT -7)   
I have two major problems in my life right now that are causing so much hurt to me and I hate myself sometimes because of how they have made me.
 
The first problem is to do with trusting people. All my life I've never been able to trust people. And I always wondered why and then I remember all the little things from the past that give me reason to doubt. I am only 19 and I remember when I was a kid, several times seeing my mother bring strange men into the house. My dad lives with us but he moved out for a few weeks because of a fight with my mother. I wasn't too sure what was going on but I knew it was wrong. The things I seen and heard back then I can remember so clearly and I hate her for it. Even all these years on, she's cheating. My dad lives here and he knows but she threatens suicide when anyone challenges her.
 
My family have been struggling with money for the past few years now, and my mam was caught with a bank statemenet showing she's saved thousands and its not right listening to her say she has no money. But thats another story.
 
When I was 16, I met up with a guy from the internet. He was 22. We dated for a year and a half. That is the biggest regret of my life. And the things that I went through I have no idea why I stayed with him for so long. He sickens me now. I'm so glad I eventually came to my senses and erased him from my life as far as was possible. Then I met a new guy. And I am still with him today. He is amazing and I am terrified of losing him. I hate when we have little fights but it's usually because I can;t trust like the way I should.
 
But then there's my other problem - being left out and left behind. I'm terrified of it and it's always happening. I don't have many friends and when I was a kid, I had very few and they were very temporary. I was bullied too which didn't help my confidence or self-esteem to go and make friends. So I always waited for others to come make friends with me, but that didn't really happen. The friends that I did have, I lost when I was in that bad relationship. I only ended that relationship about a year ago and am finding it hard to rebuild relationships with old friends. They've moved on without me. I'm not very important to anyone but my boyfriend. I wish I had real friends.
 
But because of the combinaton of these two parts of my life, I've become so cold towards some people, I'm so cautious and I keep to myself. I'm so afraid of hurt and pain. I can't trust or forgive. I feel like everyone is watching for me to make a mistake and I have to be perfect - and I can't relax or breathe sometimes.
 
I wish I could fix this but I don't know how. cry

Confusedli
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 363
   Posted 10/13/2008 5:37 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Paul89,

Sounds like things are difficult right now, have you tried speaking to a counsellor about issues from the past which are impacting on the present? Or even if you just talk to your boyfriend about how you are feeling.

You say you previous relationship was the biggest regret of your life. Try not to treat it as this and instead try & see it as a learning experience and bring the good things you learned forwards in to your new relationship.

I too can be cold & cautious at times, and I'm only just learning how to let people in, I'm not sure if I can really give good advice in this respect I think give people a chance. Yes there are some who may hurt you, but there are also some who will embrace you and become great friends, I think sometimes it is worth the risk!
Confusedli
 
"The Optimist sees the rose and not its thorns; the pessimist stares at the thorns, oblivious of the rose."
 
"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, its about learning to dance in the rain"


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40581
   Posted 10/13/2008 6:08 AM (GMT -7)   
I agree with Confusedli,

When we have relationsips that turn sour, it is a learning experience. I use to wonder did I want to take the risk of getting hurt once in a while or go around being paranoid and alone. I chose the first one. Though I do spend a lot of time to myself. I still have some friends.

Getting hurt is a part of life, it teaches us to grow. We gain character with each experience and it gets easier, it is just a part of life. It will always happen to us no matter how hard we try to protect ourselves. And we do get use to it. People are people and they make mistakes, that too is a part of life.

about your friends moving on without you, you can always catch up. They will still be there if they are real friends. So contact some of them and try to get together with them. They might of moved on with their lives some and it may seem different, but you can still start fresh with them. So it isn't all hopeless. Forgive and forget. Then move on.

Best wishes for a lovely day.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 10/13/2008 4:05 PM (GMT -7)   

Hi Paul,

I am sorry you are going through a rough time.  First of all leave the past in the past, you cannot go back and change history and if your Mom and Dad are still together then let them worry about their relationship. Stay in the moment and do not let fears of abandonment rule.

Remember yesterday is gone and tomorrow is not here yet so live in today.

Why do relationship breakups hurt so much, even when the relationship is no longer good? Whatever the reason for a breakup , coping can be a challenge, because even a disappointing relationship starts out with an emotional investment in what could be. Serious relationships begin on a high note of excitement and hope for the future. People invest time, energy, plans, dreams and hope for the future in love relationships. When these relationships fail, we experience profound disappointment, as well as grieve the physical loss of someone important in our lives.
Even when we know we made the right choice in leaving the relatonship it still causes pain and depression.

There is a good book out, Understanding Depression By Patricia Ainsworth :-)   I hope you have a counselor or therapist.  You would benefit from therapy.  Know we are here and keep talking to us.

Kitt


 

Kitt, Moderator: Anxiety/Panic & Depression
& GERD  Forums
*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
Not a mental health professional of any kind
It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.~Mahatma Gandhi~
Clickable Link: Anxiety-Panic Resources


paul89
New Member


Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 10/16/2008 10:29 AM (GMT -7)   

Im not depressed from the break up. Im so happy I left him. If im depressed at all its due to me wasting so much time. And time is something that I value as precious and when it moves fast or I waste it, I feel so lost and frustrated.

Im glad all thats over but he's affected me mentally in such a negative way even the thought of him makes me feel sick. After everything iv been through, I feel physically sick at the thought of somebody being unfaithful to me. Even when my suspicions are way wrong, I can't help blowing it all out of proportion and I get upset and feel too sick to eat. I know it shouldn't be like this but it is.

Ah well, I'm sure I'll get over it eventually


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 10/16/2008 10:45 AM (GMT -7)   

paul,

You cannot go backwards and change the past so leave it there, you cannot predict tommorow as it is not yet here  so live in today.  Stay in the moment and set goals to move forward.

I believe you can do this.

I wish you the best.

Kitt


 

Kitt, Co-Moderator: Anxiety/Panic & Depression
& GERD  Forums
*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
Not a mental health professional of any kind
It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.~Mahatma Gandhi~
Clickable Link: Anxiety-Panic Resources


paul89
New Member


Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 10/16/2008 10:51 AM (GMT -7)   
Life has gotten a lot better since i broke it off with him, everything is going fairly ok as it can be in my circumstances, but its just when everything is going amazing, i always stumble across something that sets me off and its from the past so i cant just forget it. its easy to sat live for today but my life is so hectic, most days i cant wait for them to end. i have amazing plans and iv excelled in work so much iv gotten a head start to my career at only 18! but i dont want my past bringing me down and thats before any family issues come into it.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40581
   Posted 10/16/2008 10:57 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Paul,

I think you have to work on putting the past behind you. Don't let it interfere with your everyday life. It is all history. Try to stay in the moment and go with the flow of things. That is the easiest way to live. You deserve to be happy so don't let yourself get hung up in the past or worry about the future. One day at a time my friend.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

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