Friends and family----how do they react to your depression?

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deb52
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2008
Total Posts : 27
   Posted 10/13/2008 6:58 AM (GMT -7)   
Since my husband was diagnosed with clinical depression with psychotic features, we see and hear from our freinds and family less and less. I was wondering if this is just our freinds and family or is this typical with others dealing with depression?

I try to deal with my husband's situation as best I can by myself, but sometimes it is so helpful to have a friendly ear. Our family does not live close--they do not call and ask how things are going. If I don't call, I don't hear from them. I do not call often and have been calling very little the past few months. Our friends are no where to be found. We did not dump our problems on them, but ever since I mentioned that we were dealing with depression they have become very distant.

This has made me realize that when life gets hard, I really don't have anyone to count on. How alone that makes me feel. Maybe I just need different freinds. Maybe this is how it works.

Please let me know your experiences. This site really helps me understand what my husband and I are going through.

Debbie

Confusedli
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 363
   Posted 10/13/2008 7:10 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Debbie,

Maybe your friends just don't know what to say? I guess depression can be a bit daunting for people, just the word and the stigma associated with it. Maybe you should try reaching out to your friends more - just being normal with them & showing them that nothing has changed really! Sometimes people want to be there for you but just don't know how to start!!
Confusedli
 
"The Optimist sees the rose and not its thorns; the pessimist stares at the thorns, oblivious of the rose."
 
"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, its about learning to dance in the rain"


stkitt
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Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 10/13/2008 7:38 AM (GMT -7)   

Hi Debbie,

I found the same thing in my life, the friends just slipped away as I know they were not interested in listening to my woes and I think my talking openly about my depression made them feel uncomfortable and I was no longer the life of the party.

As far as relatives out of town, it is like "out of sight, out of mind". They are not seeing it first hand so they just don't think about it much.  I know I have made that mistake myself and I have learned the hard way.

I now pay attention and listen when someone is upset or depressed.  I don't run from them, I stay and let them vent, cry or whatever will help them.

Take care my friend, we are here for you.

Hugs
Kitt


 

Kitt, Moderator: Anxiety/Panic & Depression
& GERD  Forums
*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
Not a mental health professional of any kind
It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.~Mahatma Gandhi~
Clickable Link: Anxiety-Panic Resources


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40598
   Posted 10/13/2008 8:34 AM (GMT -7)   
I think that sometimes it just feels like they are slipping away when they really aren't. It could be that both of you are in a depressive state and that feels lonely. Maybe your freinds and family are closer than it seems.

I found through life the only person you can count on is yourself. Other people have their own thing going on. And they could be dealing with depression too and you just don't know it. So give them the benefit of a doubt and reach out to them. If they don't respond, then you know that they have their own things going on, it doesn't necessarily mean that they don't care.

And like was said above, they just might not know what to say. Or they are afraid of saying the wrong things.

I hope that this helps some,

Often with depression, you just feel out of place, even when there are people all around you.

Best wishes for a wonderful day.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


Scattered13
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 53
   Posted 10/13/2008 9:15 AM (GMT -7)   
I lost a lot of friends when I was first diagnosed, and in subsequent years when I had another episode. My parents are very supportive, some of which comes from my mum having depression too, for most of her adult life so both mum and dad have learnt to live with it and handle it. My grandparents don't ever talk about it.

Now I'm very open about the fact I have depression and some of my friends are fine with it and others don't want to know. My closest friends are very supportive and they are the ones who see me in good and bad times. Others can't reconcile the fact that I have depression with their perception of who I am.

Depression accompanied with psychotic features can be particularly difficult to cope with, for everyone involved. The word 'psychotic' has such stigma attached to it, maybe people are afraid and not sure they can cope with what might happen. Have you tried to explain to them exactly what your husband's depression causes? My official diagnosis is recurrent clinical depression with psychotic features and the stigma of the latter part means that I very rarely tell anyone the full diagnosis.
Dx: Panic Disorder, Psychotic Depression, Rheumatoid Arthritis
 
Rx: Humira, Methotrexate, Plaquenil, Prednisolone, Codeine, Diclofenic Sodium, Folic Acid, Propranolol, Citalopram


deb52
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2008
Total Posts : 27
   Posted 10/13/2008 9:23 AM (GMT -7)   
Thanks for your input. I too have found the only person to count on is yourself. It is just so hard for me sometimes to try and get my husband to engage in things. i just wonder if things will ever be somewhat normal again. It feels so heavy sometimes to carry the weight of both of us through this tunnel. He just does not seem to want or be able to get motivated enough to move on to the next chapter. He just seems content to be at this holding stage of no motivation or no work or no wanting to do much of anything. I am so willing to help him but it seems sometimes---actually most of the time---that he doesn't want to help himself. I am just at a loss. If he is watching sports---he can be engaged and talk with me about it---however, if it is about going back to work--which happens on Wednesday----he clams up and then doesn't want to do anything! I have been trying to get him to the store to get a few new pairs of pants for work---he lost weight---and it is like climbing Mount Everest. And before this all came down he was a workaholic.

Thanks for listening.
Debbie

mom9mom
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2008
Total Posts : 489
   Posted 10/14/2008 1:50 AM (GMT -7)   
For me do to the fact that my husband and I had crazy shift patterns compared to most of are friend,and that we had alot more children then them and were involved with there sports and stuff.We just did not have time for friends alot of the time so most of them gave up on us.My family is another story most of them have been right by my side.my father is 71 years old and my mother is 69,but when I was in the hospital for 4 months thay both came and stayed at my house for the whole time(Thay live 167 miles away).My dad stayed at the hospital all day every day.my mother watched my kids and made sure that the kids did there homework and there housework too.My husband took a month off of work and just about lived at the hospital.Then when he went back to work (He works shift work)he spent as much time at the hospital as he could.My two sons that are in collage(450 miles away)along with my sons girlfriend came and spent 3 weeks with me.My two sisters came almost every day to.Now that I am home thay all call me at lest 2 times aweek or come by.I did so many bad things to my family when I was so very depressed that I can not beleave that thay all still love me this much after all that I have done to them and to myself.I thank god for them every day.I hope that your family will come around for you and I will pray for you.
Lost half of my small intestine, Nerve damage to right leg,part of my right hip bone removed,hernia,infection in my back called discites,and depression


deb52
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2008
Total Posts : 27
   Posted 10/14/2008 4:13 AM (GMT -7)   
Thanks mom9mom. I wish my family was so thoughtful. Thanks for the prayers. I really need them now. My husband goes back to work tomorrow and I am so nervous about it. I know he can be ok if he has the positive attitude, but I just don't know how to help him. He is so respected at work but he just doesn't see why he should be. I want him so much to be whole again-----for all our sakes. Every morning and every night I pray and wonder when this "hell" will be over.
It would be so much more gentle if I had some support from my family or from his. It is just so heavy now. So very heavy.

Debbie

stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 10/14/2008 7:43 AM (GMT -7)   

Debbie,

There are support groups out there for Depression and I am sure families are invited.  I would check with your physician to see if they have the info.  Usually Social Services at your hospital will have a list of all the support groups.

You do need help and support for you.

Gentle Hugs
Kitt


 

Kitt, Moderator: Anxiety/Panic & Depression
& GERD  Forums
*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
Not a mental health professional of any kind
It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.~Mahatma Gandhi~
Clickable Link: Anxiety-Panic Resources


lundblad
New Member


Date Joined Jan 2009
Total Posts : 9
   Posted 1/19/2009 12:32 PM (GMT -7)   
I understand what you have been going through. My husband was diagnosed with major depression over the summer. I begged his brother, who only lives about 10 miles from us to support my husband. The result, no contact and only one phone call in four months. He managed to stop by for about 30 minutes in early January to retrieve his car that we have been housing in our garage. No contact at Christmas, no support. I am beside myself with anger at the behavior. It all falls to me and my two teenage boys to cope, and one is all the way on the other coast at college. Hang it there! It does suck but other people, like me, get it.

*elmo*
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 27
   Posted 1/20/2009 4:26 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Debbie,
I found that after I was diagnosed with Crohns the vast majority of my friends started to become distant and then over time just started avoiding me. As a result my depression has got pretty bad, and as it got worse even more people began avoiding me, something for some reason i was really suprised at. I dont know why but i had this idea that people would be supportive of me with my depression, especially at work im treated as if ive got the plague. And as you might have read in my previous posts my sister and dad are less than supportive and costantly tell me to snap out of it. Everyday i have to go through the cycle of my dad mentally bullying me and all my doc would say is that he isnt going to change to basically i just need to put up with it. You cant reason with him, theres just nothing i can do about it. There are only a handful of people especially my mum who i can count on, and im trying to convince myself that the people who have deserted me dont count and that its their problem. Easier said than done though i guess. Take care xx

stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 1/20/2009 6:33 AM (GMT -7)   

Good Morning Deb,

How are you?  We have not heard from you in a bit and I hope that means all is well.

Post a note is you have a chance.

Hugs
Kitt


 

Kitt, Co-Moderator: Anxiety/Panic & Depression
&  Moderator GERD  Forums

*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
Not a mental health professional of any kind
Peace does not dwell in outward things, but within the soul
Clickable Link: Anxiety-Panic Resources


ad1
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 75
   Posted 1/20/2009 10:49 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Debbie, I'm 20 now but my depression first started when I was 13, I had plenty of friends back then but no real close friends, I was the nice guy that knew everyone so I was fairly popular. I left school at 14 because of the depression and since then I have barely spoken to any of the friends I once had. Maybe it's different as I was very young and I don't think I can expect them to understand at that age but I got the feeling you really know who your friends are when a situation like that arises.. unfortunately for me that was none of them! I don't have a large family either.. I live alone with my mum and I have a half-brother and sister who I see probably once every few months.
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