Hello, just looking for someone to listen.

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SadMama
New Member


Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 10/18/2008 11:46 PM (GMT -7)   
Hello. I'm new here. I came across this site while doing a web search. I am kind of depressed & need someone to just listen. I guess I'm looking for somewhere to vent. I have not been diagnosed with depression, I am not seeing a psychologist at this point, and I'm not on any meds. That being said, here's my story.

My husband and I split up over a year ago. I asked him to leave after 7 1/2 years together because he was yelling at me and my daughter all the time & we were just in a bad place. My feelings toward him had severely changed. When we met, we both were smoking pot. After getting pregnant with my daughter, I quit doing drugs & he would not, or could not, quit. I was tired of him spending all of our money on drugs and being high all the time. This was also a huge contributing factor to why I asked him to leave. I had grown up & took the responsibility of parenthood seriously & it felt like I was completely alone in that act, so why keep the partnership going where there is no partner?

I honestly didn't think he would ever change, so I had begun making preparations to get a divorce. But, he did something amazing. He actually sought help for himself and also quit doing drugs completely. After some serious visits to a psychologist and psychiatrist, he was diagnosed with bipolar. He was medicated & for the first time in all these years, I was able to see the man I fell in love with. After being separated for 8 months, he finally won back my heart and moved back in with us. The issues with his bipolar are still difficult & they still have him experimenting with meds to find the right combination for him. In the meantime, while he is generally much better than before, I do still have to deal with his ups & downs, which is just completely overwhelming sometimes.

After moving back in with us, we decided together to also quit smoking cigarettes. This was tough for both of us, considering our smoking habits went back to our very young lives (we're both in our thirties now). I had managed to quit smoking while I was pregnant, but it was impossible to stay committed to that while living with a smoker. Anyhow, this is where my problems truly began and I started having issues with my inner self. We quit smoking almost 6 months ago. Since then, I have not cheated even once.

Instead of smoking, I replaced my habit with FOOD. Not unheard of, right? That wouldn't be so bad, except I really, truly replaced my habit with food. I have gained 10lbs for each month since I quit, yes, 60lbs!!! What's worse is, I just don't seem to be able to make myself stop eating. My inner dialogue is AWFUL! I look in the mirror and call myself a fat cow. I cry every single day when I get dressed to go to work, especially if my favorite fat outfits aren't clean & I have to wear something where people can see the fat rolls on my body. I tell myself I'm ugly & disgusting. I go to a restaurant & I tell myself before I go in, I am just going to order a salad this time. I promise myself just a salad...nothing more...until the waiter comes to the table that is. Instead of the salad, when they ask for my order, I find myself blurting out that I'll have the steak & chicken dinner, and don't forget the huge appetizer. I hate myself even more & you can't imagine the things I say to myself as I'm eating all that food.

I can't believe I actually typed that out. I hate myself, isn't that the truth. Since all of this has started, I have been on this downward spiral that seems to be careening out of control. I have tried so hard to get my life in order and do what is right. I got rid of one terrible deadly habit & picked up another one to compensate. Too much food can kill me just as quickly -if not quicker- than cigarettes. There are other factors at work here as well. Like not being satisfied with my career, my husband starting a new career where he's hardly ever home, and my spoiled, out of control 3 year old, whom I am beginning to believe has ADD. So much is happening all at once and I am completely overwhelmed.

I often find my thoughts leaning toward suicide. I have also caught myself daydreaming about leaving my husband and my daughter & just running away from all of this. I know both of those thoughts are really crazy. I would never act on either of them, ever, but it doesn't stop me from thinking about it. Please, what the heck is wrong with me? I'm not sure how much further down the spiral I can go. Thank you so much to any of you who actually took the time to read all of this.

enWayen
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 585
   Posted 10/19/2008 8:32 AM (GMT -7)   
Heej Mama :),

First of all, welcome to HW!

I honestly believe you are on the right track right now. You quit smoking, drugs, got your husband back etc. The only "flaw" is your new eating habit. Maybe you should sit down for a minute or so and think about the good things that you have done lately. Quiting smoking had to be really hard, and you should be proud of that achievement. You have done so much already...

But can I ask you what the motivation was, to quit smoking? If you can get that some motivation with the food, I know you can hold back on that too. Maybe it is a good idea to tell your husband, so that he can be a help. Even if he ain't at home much, he still can ask you what you ate today whenever he is at home. Or maybe you have a neighbor or friend who can check up on you. I think it is important to involve others, since it is wonderful when you are able to tell them that you did order that salad instead of the steak. As long as you be honest with them, I think it will be a great help. Not being honest will make things worse, so please do be careful when you are trying to involve someone.

Of course, I can't tell you what to do, but experience told me that running away won't solve much problems. It can make you happier, but the greatest of joy can be found in solving the problems. And I think you are strong enough to do so. Now, things can appear to be out of control. But if you look good enough, you can see all the good things you have done. You have a loving husband, a daughter (which will thank you one day for being such a great mom :-) ), etc. Right now, it can be hard to motivate yourself, but that is OK. If you blame yourself for all the bad things so much you will forget to compliment yourself for all the good stuff. So instead of blaming and hating yourself, try to think of the reasons for the hate. Maybe you will find the source of the problems, and maybe you can find the motivation to come up with a solution, a cure.

Writing down your thoughts can be such a relief, so feel free to write more, and don't mind how long it will be. There are lots of members here that will read it, if that will be a help to you.

And if you are in the right mood, maybe you could spread your love around you, because live itself will give it back to you when you need it.

All the best Mama!
Erik

Ow, I forgot to mention, if it is possible you always could try to find a professional to speak with. They can be a great help in getting joy back in your life!
Acceptance is the key

Existential depression and Insecurity

Try to keep smiling! :)


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40599
   Posted 10/19/2008 2:00 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Sadmama,

And welcome to the forum. As Erik said, and I agree, try to find the good things in yourself and think about them. I think you will find you are much stronger than you think you are.

Another thing is try to find something to do with your hands. You used your hands to smoke and you use your hands to eat. It is a hand to mouth habit. Start crochetting, or knitting, maybe cross stitch. Anything that will keep your hands busy. When you are hungry, drink a glass of water. I think that we can eat the things we like, but have to watch the portions.

There is also exercising, walking for instance. That is so good for us. Substitute protien bars for a meal if you can. I try to walk every day. It helps me from gaining, but I am maintaining. I want to lose so I have been trying to walk more than I was. I will let you know how it goes.

I hope that you have been having a wonderful day.

Take care, keep posting.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


Aurora60
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1249
   Posted 10/19/2008 3:40 PM (GMT -7)   

Hi Sadmama,  I know how you feel about gaining weight.  I gained a lot of weight when I took my mother into my house and took care of her for 10 years.  I relieved my stress with food.  After she passed I went to a diet group (dont want to mention names) but the people there were incredibly supportive and the leader taught us proper proportions and just weight management.  It isn't dieting, it is a life style change.  You can go on the internet and find many good diets and also good low cal and low fat recipes.  I have lost 40 lbs and still have more to go but I have a big iincentive since my son is getting married next year.  So if you have a goal to work for it  makes it easier to change your habits.  Just try to do a few things at a tiime.  Don't try to undertake some huge diet plan.That can set you up for failure.  I find drinking tea (no sugar) and vegetable juice are both things that fill me up in between.  Also, have containers of veggies cut up and fruits like melon which is very low cal.  Look upon this as a life style change and not  diet.  Learning portion control is a big thing.  And when you eat put your fork down in between bites.  also after a meal wait at least 15 minutes and you will find you are not hungry.  Sometimes we eat out of boredom. So Karen is right - take up a hobby and keep your hands busy.  I needlepoint and I get so absorbed in it that I find hours have gone by and I wasn't hungry.  Also, walking is one of the best exercises for losing weight.  Start out with a 10 or 15 min. walk and build up to it.  You will find you can't wait to go for your walk.  It releases endorphins in your brain which make you feel better.  I hope I have been of some help to you and given you some ideas to think about.  Keep posting and let us know how you are doing.  I am always willing to answer any posts.  Try to take good care of yourself.  You are worth it!

Aurora


Gabby123
Regular Member


Date Joined Jan 2007
Total Posts : 113
   Posted 10/19/2008 6:58 PM (GMT -7)   
Sadmama,
 
    You are not alone.  I too have a huge problem with food.  I have binge eating disorder and cant' stop myself once I start.  It truely is an addiction and it is an awful one at that.  I have really bad depression also which just fuels my binge eating.  I know what you mean about having such good intentions at a restaurant then blowing it all and eating whatever.  Its really hard especially when everyone else around you is eating things you shouldnt be eating.  Don't be too hard on yourself hun, you are def not alone here.  I am so sorry you are going through all this with your husband.  It must be so hard.  I just wish you the best and pray you are ok, just know that people here do care
 
-Gabbs

SadMama
New Member


Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 10/19/2008 9:12 PM (GMT -7)   
I was feeling SO down about myself when I wrote that post last night. It really helped a lot to get all of those feelings I have bottled up inside me out in the open. I made some changes today about my eating habits. It's just a small start, but you have to start somewhere, right? My family eats out too much. Today, I made some healthy low cal meals for lunch & dinner. We were all happy with it. My husband wanted a late night snack & went to Wendy's. When he asked me if I wanted something from there, I actually said no. Right before he left I almost changed my mind, but I stuck to my guns. My husband, btw, can pretty much eat whatever he wants and doesn't gain weight. It felt really good to take a positive step in the right direction. I am going to take it one day at a time. I appreciate everything each of you had to say, it really did make a difference. It is nice to know this is a friendly place to come and talk when I'm feeling down, which is quite a lot lately. Thank you all so much for your kind words and support!

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40599
   Posted 10/20/2008 5:19 AM (GMT -7)   
You are off to a good start. If you do slip up, don't beat yourself up over it, just start again. Eventually it becomes a life style instead of a habit. I wish you the best. I have a lot of the same problems, especially at night time. I work hard not to eat at night, it seems to stick with you when you do.

Take care,
Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


True2me
New Member


Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 5
   Posted 10/21/2008 3:48 PM (GMT -7)   
Sadmama,

I could really relate to your post, and agree with what has been said to you already by the other posters.

I am also new (suffering from depression on and off) to this forum, so hope to learn of your continued progress.

Keep us informed, okay?

True2me
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