Ok, need some input....

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TashaMseraph
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2005
Total Posts : 37
   Posted 10/23/2008 11:20 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi everyone,
I'm visiting from the Lupus sector....I was diagnosed with major depression back in 1995...or 92 can't really remember. Went to a website and took some screening tests...they all indicate that I am in a "Major Depression" or sever depresive state... So yes, I am sad most of the time, have crying spells, really don't care if I live or die. I do work, and put on my "face" and go do what I gotta do. So likely I am depressed, but I refuse to hurt myself for the person who helped me to this place of being...I have no one I trust, I will not go to a therapist cause they are liars, I refuse to see a Psychiatrist cause all they do is give you drugs. Like that really ever helped me.  I think the only difference now is I am angry all the time now, too. I learned how to act happy a long time ago, to put on a "face", so the world would not interfer. While I lived through my depression back then. I was never angry the way I am now. In fact, it was a time I remember with what I considered as a no emotion time, I was numb to the point of ennui. Now I hate....truly hate....  they have become a focal point for me....So I wonder what steps I can take to keep from a action I will regret. I will not go to a therapist....I hate them....shrinks too....all liars with devious hearts. skull   But I thought someone here might have a idea of an alternative solution.
 
Edit:  Posted edited for content.
 
1. No discussion of any illegal activity or threats of violence. (ie. illicit drug use, including medical marijuana use, threats of suicide or self-injury, or threatened or intended physical harm).  Discussions of suicide or self-harm that are deemed negative and therefore potentially injurious to others are also not permitted.

Post Edited By Moderator (stkitt) : 10/24/2008 8:22:33 AM (GMT-6)


enWayen
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 585
   Posted 10/24/2008 1:31 AM (GMT -7)   
Heej Tasha,

You sure do seem angry. I know what that is like, since for a period in my life I was also angry all the time. Now I can honestly say I find anger, and especially hatred, worse than sadness or numbness. Sadness is personal, while anger and hatred not only cause negativity for you, but also for others. And hatred can blur your vision as nothing else can (that's why they call it "blind hatred").

Hatred is something personal, and thus there is no universal way to get rid of it. One important factor is that you really want the anger and hatred to be gone (which I assume you do, else you wouldn't have posted here).
Personally, I have a little philosophy considering hatred. Let me explain. Try to imagine being raised with only love, never arguments, fights, etc. I do not think you will grow up to be a happy adult, but rather a sort of jelly that will collapse with the smallest resistance from outside. To grow patience, tolerance etc., you will need enemy's, people that stand up to you. You in fact need people to wish the worst for you in order to grow ever larger tolerance. Because you will not know and can not practise tolerance unless you have an enemy that puts you in a situation where you can practise is. Still with me?
So, if you extend this philosophy, you can say that enemy's are negative things that wish the worst for you. But every negative things has a positive side. For instance, the shrinks. They may be liars, but at the same time could be loving fathers/mothers. Finding your "true" enemy can be hard, since real enemy's are rare. There is, however, one thing that only wishes your destruction and the destruction of everything around you. It is called hatred. Hatred is the ultimate enemy, and thus the ultimate source for practising tolerance and patience. Overcoming hatred can lead to no more anger.
A way to overcome the hatred is to be grateful towards it, since it will give you the chance to practise patience and tolerance. Being grateful, or positive, towards something will transform it into something positive as well.

I know the above can sound rather weird, but things like that are what keeps me going. Maybe you can find use in it, maybe not.

One more thing though. If you never trust anyone, you will never find trust. It sounds obvious, but you simply can't achieve something without trying. If you feel like you want to have someone to trust, there is no way of achieving that wish unless you try. It is just a matter of attitude to say "no one is trustful and perfect" or "every one is trustful and perfect in their own way".

Tasha, I hope this helps, even the smallest of help would be worth the effort. Please ask yourself the question whether you want to get rid of the anger, hatred, depression etc. Because if you want, there are uncountable roads towards achieving that.

All the best!
Erik
Acceptance is the key

Existential depression and Insecurity

Try to keep smiling! :)


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 10/24/2008 7:41 AM (GMT -7)   

Good Morning Tasha,

Sorry for the edit. However I am very concerned about you so I want to post a few numbers here that you might call when you are feeling all this anger and depression.

The US Suicide Hotline 1-800-784-2433

NDMDA Depression Hotline | Support Group. 800-826-3632

Suicide Prevention Services Crisis Hotline 800-784-2433

Suicide Prevention Services Depression Hotline 630-482-9696

Crisis Help Line | For Any Kind of Crisis 800-233-4357

24 Hour Anger Management Hotline (307) 262-9675

I am so sorry you are hurting so bad and that you are so angry at this person. If you don't trust and won't go to a therapist please use one of the numbers above to talk to someone.

It is when this anger is not controlled that we get into trouble so please don’t let your anger consume you.

Call 911 if your anger gets to the point that you may hurt someone.

I know this is not what you want to hear but I truly feel a visit to your Physician is your best choice at this time.

My prayers for you and please do seek help.  Coming here and talking to us is a good clue that you do want to get better.

Gentle Hugs

Kitt


 

Kitt, Co-Moderator: Anxiety/Panic & Depression
& GERD  Forums
*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
Not a mental health professional of any kind
It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.~Mahatma Gandhi~
Clickable Link: Anxiety-Panic Resources


TashaMseraph
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2005
Total Posts : 37
   Posted 10/24/2008 8:36 AM (GMT -7)   
I am slightly surprised by the edit. I did try to keep much of the details out of my post. I apologize if it were offensive. I did not intend to come of as threatening. It was a statement of feeling. Either way, I appreciate your comments. Unfortunately this is a daily thing right now...It has been several months like this. Sigh, trust is a complicated thing, so is anger and depression. I usually am the person who rarely feels anything but fleeting anger. And before I was one who trusted relatively easily, I have been betrayed by many recently.  So the continuation of  the anger and its depth a concern. I do recognize it as unhealthy. I was hoping for an alternative option, other than a doctor, I see way to many of them.

With God all things are Possible.

Dx: Lupus (SLE)2002, Sjogren's Sydrome 2002, GERD 1995, Depression 1995, Sleep Apnea 2006, IBS 2000, Migraines 2001, Anemia 2002, Seizures in 1995 (unknown causes).  Meds: Cymbalta 60 mgs, Plaquinil 200mg once daily, Nexium 40 mgs, Prednisone 5mg


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40595
   Posted 10/24/2008 9:08 AM (GMT -7)   
Tasha,

We have to mention seeing a doctor or a therapist. That is one of our rules. But being you are so adamentally against it, please keep posting, maybe we can help you in some small way.

Try to control the anger, I am sorry that you are filled with so much. Sometimes the world can seem hopeless, but it isn't. Believe me, things can change with a drop of a hat.

Just remember that we are here for you. We will try to help you find some hope, the best way that we can.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 10/24/2008 11:20 AM (GMT -7)   

Tasha,

I will email you. :-)

There is an online CBT course that is free.

Cognitive-behavioral therapy is based on the idea that our thoughts cause our feelings and behaviors, not external things, like people, situations, and events. The benefit of this fact is that we can change the way we think to feel / act better even if the situation does not change.

Here is the link for it, many here have used it and say it has helped them. You can work through the course at your own pace or go back and read parts you want a refresher on.

CBT
The MoodGym Training Program

http://moodgym.anu.edu.au/


 

Kitt, Co-Moderator: Anxiety/Panic & Depression
& GERD  Forums
*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
Not a mental health professional of any kind
It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.~Mahatma Gandhi~
Clickable Link: Anxiety-Panic Resources


TashaMseraph
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2005
Total Posts : 37
   Posted 10/24/2008 10:15 PM (GMT -7)   
I guess it is unfortunate that I won't see a doctor. Recently, I have been through a great deal of changes. I don't want to get negative, but I was in a abusive relationship that caused me to lose my two children. The state felt that since I have a history of depression, lupus, and was a foster child. Apparently that makes me lack parenting skills. I sought help at the local counseling center...they called CPS on my family due to concerns of my ex...My children are now up for adoption due at the end of November....During the year that I fought for my children, I was forced to see counselors, doctors ect....who then were required to report to the CPS...While I understand that this was not their choice, but a requirement. Well I have developed a great distaste for anything to do with them. Whatever was reported was twisted by the perception of the caseworker, who did not feel I had enough resources to raise two children. They never claimed I was abusive or anything just that i was "not the best option" for my children. My ex signed his rights off early in the game, so that made me a single mother in very real way. Plus the additional stuff added to my health. I am not sure if this is too much negative talk so feel free to edit what you must. Anyways, I lost, and I have found that I am angry, depressed, and so much more....This has gone on for a while, I get some crazy thoughts but I often remind myself of what is right ect...it becomes harder everyday.

With God all things are Possible.

Dx: Lupus (SLE)2002, Sjogren's Sydrome 2002, GERD 1995, Depression 1995, Sleep Apnea 2006, IBS 2000, Migraines 2001, Anemia 2002, Seizures in 1995 (unknown causes).  Meds: Cymbalta 60 mgs, Plaquinil 200mg once daily, Nexium 40 mgs, Prednisone 5mg


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40595
   Posted 10/24/2008 10:26 PM (GMT -7)   
Tasha,

There is no need for edit on this post. You have been through some traumatic things. And I am so sorry for what happened with your children. But keep in mind, if you keep working on yourself, when they get older, they will want to see you. Try to stay positive for the future. When they turn 18 they have every right to see their birth mother. I know it seems like a long time away, but that is something that you could work towards. But you need to take care of you. You need to get stronger. And I know that you can do it.

Keep posting and stay with us.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


mom9mom
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2008
Total Posts : 489
   Posted 10/26/2008 10:56 PM (GMT -7)   
cry   cry cry cry I am so sorry for you. I understand where all your anger is coming from. It would be so hard to loss you children.All I can say is dont give up your life will get better some day.I will pray for you. I dont know if you beleave ,but if you do you might be able to find some pease at your church. cry cry cry cry
Lost half of my small intestine, Nerve damage to right leg,part of my right hip bone removed,hernia,infection in my back called discites,and depression

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