Welcome to HW! Li already gave you some great advice, and I totally agree with her.
The lying.... I have to admit that I have plenty of experience with that too. I used to lie to everyone, for the same reasons as you. I always thought I needed to do everything right, and everyone needed to love me, else I did something wrong and failed. That led to creating webs of lies and deceit that were doomed to collapse right from the start. And collapsed they did. But I am rather glad for that, since it woke me up and made me aware of my own lies, as it did with you (else you wouldn't be posting here
Nowadays, I still tell lies, but there are most of the time harmless. I trained myself to become aware every time I would think of a lie. Awareness that I used to think about
the consequences. When I lie now, I never regret it, since it is thoroughly thought over (though I try not to lie in the first place, don't get me wrong).
Maybe you could do something similar. Tell yourself that from now on you will try not to lie anymore, at least not all the time. Sometimes a lie slips through, but that is not something you should punish yourself for. Rather compliment yourself when you blocked a lie from coming through. Feeling bad because you blame yourself or someone is always useless, being aware in a non-judgemental way is enough.
Maybe you also struggle with your looks and the way other people are seeing you. A fact is, some people will tell bad stuff about
you, because the way you look, the way you are, etc. This ain't a bad thing, unless you make it a bad thing. It just happens, and in the end it is nothing more than a choice whether you feel bad and try to gain their favour, or accept their opinions and live on without the hassle and negativity.
I found a quote from a 14 or 15 year old I believe, it goes like this:
"Nothing changes until something changes"
Pretty dull at first, but so much truth is in there. If you want to change from a lie-er to a honest person, change is needed. Running away all the time can be a solution, but it will consume way more energy than to change, believe me. Only the energy needed at the very start of your transformation is way more than to run away, and we humans tend to pick the easy and immediately beneficial way instead of the harder road that will take you to an even better place.
Ow, and last but not least, about
the proud question. There is nothing wrong with not having anything to be proud of. I believe it is even better not to have anything, because pride is something identity-amplifying, it gives you reason to be alive, to be you. I think it is wrong to need a reason to be alive, since you simply are alive. However, for some people pride is a solid foundation on which they build there lives, and I am totally OK with that. But personally I find being grateful for being able to do the action, rather than taking pride in it, is a way more peaceful way to cope with it. As for that question, even before I discovered this philosophy, I never felt pride either (though I wanted to be proud of something back then).
I hope this long story somewhat helps you Hope!
Acceptance is the key
Existential depression and InsecurityTry to keep smiling! :)