I can't do this anymore!

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x-princess-x-elmo-x
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 35
   Posted 10/28/2008 12:11 PM (GMT -7)   
My dad thinks that the only reason I come on here is to give myself something to do. He is sure that the second I come off the site I will be all sad and depressed again, or will be after I have been off it for 15 mins. I think he is depressed himself but he won't admit it, he keeps saying "I am fine if you and your sister are fine" but I am not fine, thats the problem. Not only have I got to focus myself to get me back on track, but I am also worrying about him. I don't know what it is but it seems to me as if my dad only wants me to get help when he is there beside me. If he has other jobs to do around the house, I get told to "Find something to get you motivated" or "Fine, go on the computer again!" Like before, we had an argument and when I had calmed down, I tried to give him a hug back and say sorry. He gave me a hug back and carried on what he was doing. Then about 1 hour ago he said to me "It's not as simple as just giving someone a hug and saying sorry if you have really hurt the feelings of someone close to you!" and when I asked him what else I could have done to show him how sorry I was, I got the reply "That's not the point!" and then silence. What can I do as I can't cope worring about him as well as the 6 years of grief, emotions and loss that I have carried on my shoulders all this time... PLUS MORE!!! I really can't cope like this much longer!!! I really need help!!! cry cry cry cry cry

About Me: My mum died of cancer when I was 12, Don't get on with Dad and Sister, Held all my emotions, grief and feelings in for 6 years and now need to explode because I can't cope any longer!
 
The more you believe, the stonger your beliefs!
Live your life to the full, as you never know what is around the corner!
x-princess-x-elmo-x


Howlyncat
Elite Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 10/28/2008 12:44 PM (GMT -7)   
I am really sorry for all you have gone thru
I have lost both my parents to Alzheimer
s and dad to AD as well as brain cancer...........

YOu have to find a way or a therapist that WILL listen to you hear you ..
Help you
YOU need to let those tears fall
It is okay

I had Mom til I was 52 and it still really hurts with her gone......
Then Dad just in April
So Yes I do alot of crying but I also celebrate their lives and think of the memories I had made thru the yrs of looking after them

You are needed ........
Keep strong
But dont be afraid to blow or cry whenever you need too
YOU
have earned that right IMHO

Have you tried a real sit down no holes barred but no yeling kinda talk with dad
Even writing a list of what is going on and how you see him and his responses
He can do the same for you
IT may help
I dont know
I wish there was more I could say to you

Explain to dad that this is a support group nothing better around and it will
help you as will the ppl here
They know what you are going thru

Again you should try a therapist as well and get this stuff all out
I did finally go to Grief Couselling after my first hubby passed away in 1979

I hope I have helped .........
even if only a bit

.......LYN
  DX With Crohns,Pyoderma Gangrenosum,Anxiety/Panic,Fibro & Other DD
                                    Donate at  www.healingwell.com
 
Moderator @ Alzheimer's,Co Mod @ Anxiety/ Panic,Co Mod @ Crohns 
 
                                    FIGHT the FIGHT with all YOU HAVE
    We Have Anxiety / Panic ..Anxiety / Panic DO NOT have US 
 You have To Have Some Laughter as Well as Those Tears IMHO         
 
    
 
 
 
                    


x-princess-x-elmo-x
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 35
   Posted 10/28/2008 1:51 PM (GMT -7)   
I have been to the doctors to see if they can sort me out with different people like that... the problem is that it is going to take 12 to 15 weeks before she gets any news back so until then... I have to try and find a way of coping myself until then... thats is the most annoying thing about it all. Anytime my dad & I try to sit down and talk, something happens that turns it into an argument, whether I do it, he does it, or my sister comes in to do something with it. I just can't cope like this anymore... I am finding it so hard as it is... Thats all!
About Me: My mum died of cancer when I was 12, Don't get on with Dad and Sister, Held all my emotions, grief and feelings in for 6 years and now need to explode because I can't cope any longer!
 
The more you believe, the stonger your beliefs!
Live your life to the full, as you never know what is around the corner!
x-princess-x-elmo-x


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40592
   Posted 10/28/2008 1:59 PM (GMT -7)   
I thnk that you should worry about getting yourself better, the rest will fall into place. But only Dad can help Dad.

Are you going to any type of counseling? I can't remember if you are or not. If not, I think that it would be a good idea to go and get some help for yourself from somebody objective. You could use the support. You are trying really hard, but worrying about him isn't helping you. You need to think of yoursself right now and tackle being happy. If you do, I think that your dad will follow along. He seems supportive of you.

Have you thought as to what was the point of your Dad's question? I think that he wants to see you help yourself. Not worry about being sorry. Why do you think that it bothers him that you are on the computer? My husband thinks I spend too much time on here, but I would be sitting anyway. At least here I stimulate my brain and do something good for others. Maybe he doesn't understand what you get out of the forum. I know that my husband doesn't, but here I still sit. It is good for me to a point, I can't let it control my life. I moderate two forums, plus like to check my emails and that does take some time. There are times when I do have to walk away from it though.

I hope that this helps you some. Try to take life one day at a time. Try not to dwell on the past, though you do need to let yourself grieve, don't dwell too much. Try to get out and do things, are you working, or going to school? You need some activity out of the house. And it is important for you to help around the house, well all should equally. Don't give up. We are here for you, it is maybe time for some brainstorming.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


x-princess-x-elmo-x
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 35
   Posted 10/29/2008 4:16 AM (GMT -7)   
I have been to the doctor to sort out some form of councilling, but have been told that it is going to take between 12 to 15 weeks before I get anywhere with it. I speak to someone on www.kooth.com (a counciler there) but am only aloud to talk to them once a week... Dad has a possword for the internet which means I am limited to how ofter I come on here x
About Me: My mum died of cancer when I was 12, Don't get on with Dad and Sister, Held all my emotions, grief and feelings in for 6 years and now need to explode because I can't cope any longer!
 
The more you believe, the stonger your beliefs!
Live your life to the full, as you never know what is around the corner!
x-princess-x-elmo-x


Confusedli
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 363
   Posted 10/29/2008 4:21 AM (GMT -7)   
I think your in the UK & it does take a couple of weeks / months for a space with an NHS counsellor. I had to go privately in the end because they could only see me during the week & I work full time. It costs quite a bit but it is worth it! You could try hasseling your doctor to speed things up a bit, not sure if it will work, but its worth a try!
Confusedli
 
"The Optimist sees the rose and not its thorns; the pessimist stares at the thorns, oblivious of the rose."
 
"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, its about learning to dance in the rain"


x-princess-x-elmo-x
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 35
   Posted 10/29/2008 5:05 AM (GMT -7)   
The thing we don't have enough money to go private... but the problem is that unless I find some way to motivate me... I will be down all day... Because we haven't got the money, we can't go private which doesn't help the situation even if I wanted to x
About Me: My mum died of cancer when I was 12, Don't get on with Dad and Sister, Held all my emotions, grief and feelings in for 6 years and now need to explode because I can't cope any longer!
 
The more you believe, the stonger your beliefs!
Live your life to the full, as you never know what is around the corner!
x-princess-x-elmo-x


Confusedli
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 363
   Posted 10/29/2008 5:33 AM (GMT -7)   
You could ask your doctor or search on the net & see if you could maybe find a support group in your area? That might be useful for you - and also help you to meet new people who have had similar experiences to yourself?
Confusedli
 
"The Optimist sees the rose and not its thorns; the pessimist stares at the thorns, oblivious of the rose."
 
"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, its about learning to dance in the rain"


x-princess-x-elmo-x
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 35
   Posted 10/29/2008 5:47 AM (GMT -7)   
I have looked for any type of counsellers in the areas that I will be able to get to and nearly all that I have found (all apart from The Response Agency) have been private which we haven't got the moeny for!
About Me: My mum died of cancer when I was 12, Don't get on with Dad and Sister, Held all my emotions, grief and feelings in for 6 years and now need to explode because I can't cope any longer!
 
The more you believe, the stonger your beliefs!
Live your life to the full, as you never know what is around the corner!
x-princess-x-elmo-x


coldturkey
New Member


Date Joined Nov 2008
Total Posts : 8
   Posted 11/1/2008 2:02 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi--Men and women are soooo different. Men rarely reach out for help or support and they really don't understand why women DO.

I think that moving out would be your best bet--which probably scares your dad. You can't fix him--only yourself. There are so many issues here, not the least of which is that your mother (his wife) died several years ago and he raised you and your sister. He must have all kinds of bad/sad feelings regarding that. And, AGAIN, he's a man. (I have a wonderful husband, in case you're wondering).

You're at a pretty difficult age--one foot in adulthood and the other just leaving childhood. Communication problems between parents and children just mount around this time. Give yourself a break, as well as your dad. Try to step back a bit emotionally, for a time--you'll feel better.

We rush off to "professionals" to help us feel better, when, if we look really closely, we'll find the key is to change how we perceive the world around us and figure out our place in it.

Have you tried reading any self-help books? There are so many good ones available (I read a lot years ago). Why not give that a try? You'd be surprised at how well many of these do-it-yourself books may work for you.

Keep your chin up! "This, too, shall pass."

enWayen
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 585
   Posted 11/1/2008 3:18 PM (GMT -7)   
Eej,

I agree with coldturkey, as a man myself, I had a really hard time reaching out for help. I think we men just have too much pride, a genetic imprint that somehow tells us to figure out things ourself, not to be losers. And also agree on the self help books, as they can help if you allow them to, open your mind. They can be really comforting to read when you are feeling down. As coldturkey already mentioned with the quote, A New Earth from Eckhart Tolle is a good book to start with, though I personally find The Art of Happiness by the Dalai Lama an even better choice.

Take care!
Acceptance is the key

Existential depression and Insecurity

Try to keep smiling! :)


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40592
   Posted 11/1/2008 3:38 PM (GMT -7)   
Another good book is Healing the Child Within by Charles L. Whitfield and Feeling good by Davind D Burns. I read both of them and they really helped me.

Best wishes,
Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


olderwomenrule15
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 29
   Posted 11/1/2008 5:00 PM (GMT -7)   
Keep posting and we will talk to you! Depression feels as if it will last forever, but it eventually does get better!

Linda

x-princess-x-elmo-x
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 35
   Posted 11/2/2008 6:46 AM (GMT -7)   
I am not a great reader of books but I guess that trying to sit down and read them might .a. get me into reading more in genral, but .b. also help me though this period. Thanks so much for your help guys, couldn't have done this so far without you! (hugs) xxx
About Me: My mum died of cancer when I was 12, Don't get on with Dad and Sister, Held all my emotions, grief and feelings in for 6 years and now need to explode because I can't cope any longer!
 
The more you believe, the stonger your beliefs!
Live your life to the full, as you never know what is around the corner!
x-princess-x-elmo-x


Hibee
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 6494
   Posted 11/2/2008 6:55 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi

I live in the uk and i have had mental health problems for over twenty years it took me a very long time to ask for help but once i did it felt like a massive weight of my shoulders i like you held my emotions and tried to get buy but all i was doing was avoiding my issues. I went to the doctors and asked to be refered to the local Mental Health team this was a big step for me and i was worried about going to see them. I had a meeting with them and they decided i needed some CAT therapy and i only had to wait 5 weeks and went through the system a lot quicker than if i had waited for an NHS councilor. This might be something you could think about.

Mental illness and grief are hard things to deal with and you need some support and sounds like your dad does as well.

The HW forum is a very good place to come as there are lots of helpful people here who have had/ and are going through similar problems with there health who will give good advice and support for you.

Keep us posted, take care

x-princess-x-elmo-x
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 35
   Posted 11/6/2008 4:01 AM (GMT -7)   
Since I have been living back at my Dad's, I have seen a dramatic improvement in our relationship. We are getting on a hell of alot better than we ever have since my mum died. As I am now also able to motivate myself, I am on the computer less often, which means that is another thing we don't argue about anymore... Since I have sorted out and tidyed my room, I feel alot more at home too, I haven't argued with my sister ONE yet (and that IS a mirical!) I think my next step is probably to find a small job in my area, as it means I will be earning some money, instead of sitting around the house all day... Thanks again for your help so far guys!! x x
About Me: My mum died of cancer when I was 12, Don't get on with Dad and Sister, Held all my emotions, grief and feelings in for 6 years and now need to explode because I can't cope any longer!
 
The more you believe, the stonger your beliefs!
Live your life to the full, as you never know what is around the corner!
x-princess-x-elmo-x


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 11/7/2008 12:38 PM (GMT -7)   

I am so glad to hear you are doing better.  Hurrah.  I think you have made so much progress and the idea of getting a job is great.

I am looking for a casual position.

Keep us posted and know we care.

Hugs

Kitt


 

Kitt, Co-Moderator: Anxiety/Panic & Depression
& GERD  Forums
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http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
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x-princess-x-elmo-x
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 35
   Posted 11/7/2008 1:56 PM (GMT -7)   
Yeah... I am kinda not too good around people so I wanna see if I can get a job somewhere that isn't too busy. One of the younger kids in the street (good little mate) mentioned to me about putting a CV in the butchers by my dads. I am kinda thinking about it... I wouldn't be able to cut or prep the meet but I guess sorting the customers out wouldn't do me any harm... (at least I would be somewhere and it wouldn't be too busy with all the college kids on there lunch) Speak soon x x x x


About Me: My mum died of cancer when I was 12, Don't get on with Dad and Sister, Held all my emotions, grief and feelings in for 6 years and now need to explode because I can't cope any longer!
 
The more you believe, the stonger your beliefs!
Live your life to the full, as you never know what is around the corner!
x-princess-x-elmo-x

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