My life is so screwed up!

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hippiechick71
New Member


Date Joined Nov 2008
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 11/2/2008 10:03 PM (GMT -7)   
Hello everyone.

I've come here as a last resort. I have nobody to talk to and I was hoping to get some things off of my chest here.
I've been feeling so useless lately. I feel like I have no purpose here on Earth. I'm either feeling pain or not feeling anything at all. The slightest remark can make me cry and nothing can make me feel good. For instance talking to my mother about taking pictures and I told her that I hate it because I always look overweight in them. She then said "Stop being ridiculous! You hated taking pictures even when you were twenty pounds lighter!". Then I started to cry, because she just basically said that I'd gained twenty pounds. She then got mad at ME and said that nothing she says is ever right and even though she always tells me I'm not fat and ugly I don't believe her so why even bother. She then left and I felt even worse than before. I know the whole argument was ridiculous, but I can't help feeling so upset and shaken by what she said. I know I shouldn't take it out on her, but I can't keep it all inside either. I haven't been able to bring myself to eat anything since this incident either even though I know I should.

It's especially hard because I am a recovering anorexic. I've been hospitalized three times for it and that is one reason why this conversation shook me so much. I KNOW in my mind that it's ridiculous but I can't help it! I feel like a failure and a fat loser.

I also have pretty much no friends. I used to before I got out of school but I'm only in contact with one of them now and she is married with a daughter at this point. I barely see her. I've isolated myself from the outside world for the past two years and my only contact is my mother. The only opinions I get are from her and myself. I want to meet new people, but there is no way to do it. Where could I go all alone? Most people would go to bars with their friends to meet new people but I have no friends to go with. Get a job? I have no car or license and nobody to drive me either.

I'm so tired of being alone in this life. I just want a friend. I want to know that people care about me and that I'm worth something. I'm on the wrong path and I know it. I know that there are so much opportunities and experiences out there but I don't know how to get to them. I just sleep all day now and hope that I dream about something happy so I can escape this world. I do want to die sometimes, but I wouldn't kill myself for the sole reason that I couldn't put my mom through the pain of losing her daughter.

No matter what I do I always end up feeling like a failure at the end of the day. Even if I won the lottery I'm sure I'd still feel like a failure at the end of the day.

I feel like there is SO much more to get off of my chest, but I can't write it all in one post. There are so many problems in my life that it will take post after post to explain it all. Right now I need to stop typing because I just need to go cry.

Thanks for taking the time to read this.

mom9mom
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2008
Total Posts : 489
   Posted 11/2/2008 10:57 PM (GMT -7)   
What med`s do you take?Are you on a anti-depressent?It really sounds like you could use one.If you are a recovering anorexica then you must have a councalor please RUN don`t WALK and go talk to them.Tell them every thing that is going on and how you feel.If thay can`t help you thay will tell you who can.So please get the help that you need.
Lost half of my small intestine.Ilieostomy for 5 months then reverst,Nerve damage to right leg,part of my right hip bone removed,Cronic pain,hernia,infection in my back called discites,and depression.Mother to 9 kids 7 boys 2 girls and 1 stepson.4 grandsons,9 grandaughters.4 of my grandkids I inherited from my twin sister who passed away 6 1/2 years ago from a blood clot after surgery.God has given me my life back after I almost lost it.Even though its a painful and sometimes hard road to walk I take it one step at a time and give thanks to god for every step I take.


beartooth
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2006
Total Posts : 517
   Posted 11/2/2008 10:59 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi hippiechick,

Welcome to HealingWell. This is a great place to open up and let others know how you are really feeling, because lords knows that some of us really don't have anyone else that can understand how we are feeling. But here, I've found that people understand, empathize, and are really good at offering encouragement. It is one place where the people truly care.

First, please do not consider harming yourself. It is a permanent solution to a temporary problem, and you are here for a reason. I've said things like that myself here, and the support and caring shown by the members is incredible.

Isolation is a major problem for me as well. Even when I was feeling really healthy and semi-socially active, I still felt isolated. I tend to drift towards solo activities, so even when I do leave the house, odds are good I'm not going to meet someone. I've moved around from state to state so much in my life, that I constantly find myself living in places where I know no one. My current state, Colorado, is where I plan to stay for a good long while, but I've been here a year already, and the only people I know are the people I work with...and it was only recently that I began to participate in some of our extracuricular activities. I don't have the same interests as most of them, plus I'm not married, so no family, which is another difference between us.

I have a medical condition that is currently keeping me housebound most of the time, so my contact with others is limited to shopping and working essentially. I do take full advantage of the time that I am at work to interact with others though. It is my one social outlet right now, and so when I'm there, it cheers me up...it also helps that I like my job.

Is there any way that you could take a bus so that you could try getting a part-time job? Or maybe try to volunteer somewhere? Knowing that others are relying on you or that you are helping others does wonders for motivation, and also makes you feel better about yourself. Having all that free time to ruminate and just think about stuff probably isn't helping you right now. Have you hobbies? Do you like reading? Maybe go to the library and just hang out there and read a book?

My sister's husband recently told me, in joking manner, that if I want to meet people I have to leave the house every once in a while. I told him I leave plenty, but if I also have to talk to people, that ain't happening...LOL. He is the type of guy who goes to bars, and can go in one, and within a couple of minutes, meet some strangers and hang out with them the rest of the night, which is not me at all. I sometimes use my medical condition as an excuse to stay home, but here, I am happily wrapped in my coccoon, and everything is safe. The outside is full of unknowns. Better to deal with the known bad than it is to risk my (mental) safety by interacting with strangers.

Boy, I hope that I at least let you know that you aren't alone. I think I ended up doing a little venting myself, but if that lets you know that I share some of your feelings, it should be alright. Also, if you need someone to talk to, get some more off your chest, I'm willing to do some listening. Or, just keep posting, because other people will keep reading. You always have a place here.

It is easy to allow yourself to get trapped into negative thinking.  Mom's advice above about seeking some outside help would be good to follow.  If you aren't currently on any antidepressants, they might help you to gain some motivation.  Take care.


Brandon
 
36 y.o. male
Diagnosed w/ moderate UC in May '06
Meds & supplements: Asacol, Florastor, VSL#3, Wellbutrin XL, Prozac, multi-vitamin, Allegra, Lialda, Colocort, Prednisone, flaxseed oil, L-glutamine.

Post Edited (beartooth) : 11/2/2008 11:02:37 PM (GMT-7)


enWayen
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 585
   Posted 11/3/2008 12:54 AM (GMT -7)   
Heej Hippiechick!

Mom9mom and beartooth already gave you some great advice, and I strongly recommend getting a counsellor if that option is available to you.

I know how the lack of purpose in the world feels. It is what brought me to this place. And it is the thing that make me feel better now than I have felt in a long, long time. Having no purpose made me realize there are no boundary's in life, no obligations. I can do whatever I want to do, and that freedom can be scary, but also very liberating. Wouldn't it be awful if we couldn't make our own choices because of things that are expected from us? There is no need for a purpose on this Earth, you don't need to be good at something, be pretty, be clever, or whatever to live on this Earth. A big part of mankind feel a need to justify there existence, while the simple fact that they are here, are alive, is all the justification they will ever need. We are our own purpose, and therefore we can choose our own way of spending the time. I try to do as many things as I can that bring me joy, whether others think I am good at or not.

I also would like to say that there are, and I think there are a lot, people that do care about you, that would love to be your friend. Does your mind tells you that you need others to be happy? Does your mind tells you that there is something out there that will give you purpose? Our minds work like that, and I don't think they can be our friends while they are doing their thing. A friend is someone who wants the best for you, a mind only wants the best for himself. Stopping the thoughts can liberate you from your mind and let you be your own friend, instead of someone you disgust. You know you reached that stage when you experience complete acceptance towards everything and everyone.

Ow, and something that I always say, please try to stop thinking about the things that will make you happy. A new boyfriend, a lot of cool friends, a new car, nice hair, fit body, they all can make you happy, but they will not last. Things change. So, instead of searching for happiness on the outside, try to find it on the inside. It is already there, and some of the events I described above will trigger some of it, but it is possible to open the door yourself. Do you want to live your life in happiness? If yes, it is possible.

Hippie, you are not a failure in my eyes. You just had the courage to say what is bothering you, which is awesome. You should give yourself a pat on the back for that.

All the best, and please write down your thoughts whenever life is hard, I will try to be here.
Erik
Acceptance is the key

The Outside is but a reflection of our Inside. Smile, and the Universe will smile back.

Try to keep smiling! :)


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40581
   Posted 11/3/2008 9:37 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Hippychick,

I just wanted to welcome you to the depression forum. You have gotten some pretty good advice from our members, so I guess that is pretty well covered.

As Erik said, the happiness comes from within. Remember that you are a wonderful and special person. And you have come to a good place.

Keep posting, as we are here for you.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

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