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Confusedli
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 363
   Posted 11/5/2008 6:12 AM (GMT -7)   
I know I always say the same things, but I am so so sick of being jealous & possessive in my relationship & it is really getting me down.  I have really really improved, I hardly make any jealous comments any more & I am virtually never possessive, but I still have the thoughts & feelings in my head, I am just not acting on them. 
 
For example my boyfriend is going out with his work colleagues on Friday night for Drinks & I am totally stressing over it.  I don't even know why I am stressing, I am not worried about him cheating on me, it really isn't that.  I just feel really like I don't want him to go.  I haven't mentioned it to him coz I know it is wrong to feel this way, but I just hate it that I do.
 
It is just tiring me out.  I just wish that I could be happy without always worrying about stupid things & stressing. I wish I could just enjoy my relationship  - but I feel that I will never be able to because there are so many worries in my head all of the time!
Confusedli
 
"The Optimist sees the rose and not its thorns; the pessimist stares at the thorns, oblivious of the rose."
 
"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, its about learning to dance in the rain"


enWayen
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 585
   Posted 11/5/2008 7:39 AM (GMT -7)   
Heej Li,

Maybe you just blow things up. You are a wonderful person, and I hope you realize that as well. Being jealous and possessive can be positive too, it means you truly love him. Maybe you can try to change your way of thinking, so that whenever feelings of jealousy or possessive thoughts turn up, you immediately think of for instance the positive sides, or something else.

I like the idea that whenever you have those feelings, you try to see the positive side, and try to be grateful for the time you already, and maybe will, spend with him. Grateful that you have crossed paths, grateful for you to be in the position to spend time with him. Doing this will focus your attention from the negative thoughts of jealousy and fear of loss towards a more joyful state of being, one that is grateful and full of joy and happiness by realizing how awesome it is to know each other. Maybe that will even make you love him more, because the fear of loss is gone. You can love him without the negative stuff.

And maybe he will notice your love increased, and you will have an even happier time together. In fact, I do believe that will happen. Positivity is something that can be easily transferred, it is very contagious.

I hope this helps a bit. All the best with you and you friend, I am sure things will work out!
Erik

A small edit: I see you are still online, if you want to talk about this in chat, I can be there. I will be in for the next 15-20 minutes or so.
Acceptance is the key

The World is but a reflection. Smile, and it will smile back.

Try to keep smiling! :)


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 11/5/2008 9:36 AM (GMT -7)   
Confusedli
 
Hey there, kick the stinkin thinkin to the curb and stay in the moment.  If you recognize it for what it is put on the brakes and change directions. Go shopping or out with some of your friends.
 
Your going to be so much happier when you believe in yourself and don't let the anxiety get you.
 
Take care
Kitt
 

Kitt, Co-Moderator: Anxiety/Panic & Depression
& GERD  Forums
*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
Not a mental health professional of any kind
It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.~Mahatma Gandhi~
Clickable Link: Anxiety-Panic Resources


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40592
   Posted 11/5/2008 12:38 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Li,

I think if you find something to do while he is out, like Kitt said, you will feel much better. And as she said, you recognise it for what it is, so now is the time to change your thinking pattern.

If you don't want to go out with friends, spend the time nurturing yourself. Take a nice bath with some candles, put on some of your favorite music. You can do this. I have complete faith in you.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


mom9mom
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2008
Total Posts : 489
   Posted 11/6/2008 12:51 AM (GMT -7)   
I think when you love someone you will always have a little of these type of feelings,As long as its only a little and that you dont act on these feelings its O.K. I also agree with kit find something to do just for yourself that day.
Lost half of my small intestine.Ilieostomy for 5 months then reverst,Nerve damage to right leg,part of my right hip bone removed,Cronic pain,hernia,infection in my back called discites,and depression.Mother to 9 kids 7 boys 2 girls and 1 stepson.4 grandsons,9 grandaughters.4 of my grandkids I inherited from my twin sister who passed away 6 1/2 years ago from a blood clot after surgery.God has given me my life back after I almost lost it.Even though its a painful and sometimes hard road to walk I take it one step at a time and give thanks to god for every step I take.


x-princess-x-elmo-x
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 35
   Posted 11/6/2008 4:07 AM (GMT -7)   
I am feeling alot like that lately too hun! Since my boyfriend & I split up so I could sort myself out, I have been feeling really jealous of anyone I see who has a boyfriend or girlfriend... It drives me insaine inside but I can't help thinking it... Okay I am getting on with my life and feeling better in myself for it, but I still can't help waking up every morning and hating EVERYONE in the world who has a boyfriend or girlfriend that they can spend time with... It's just so annoying! I try to keep my mind occupied but it just stresses me out so much!! x x x
About Me: My mum died of cancer when I was 12, Don't get on with Dad and Sister, Held all my emotions, grief and feelings in for 6 years and now need to explode because I can't cope any longer!
 
The more you believe, the stonger your beliefs!
Live your life to the full, as you never know what is around the corner!
x-princess-x-elmo-x


Confusedli
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 363
   Posted 11/6/2008 7:13 AM (GMT -7)   
Hey Guys,

Thanks for your replies,

Yeah I do have plans myself for when he is out!! But I know i will find myself stressing & stupidly checking my phone all the time!! I hate doing it, but its like a compulsion, lol! I am trying to keep calm tho & I am doing fairly well! I will see how tomorrow goes I guess, I know I can do this, I really do & I guess in time that it will get easier & easier! It's just when i think of the event I prepare for disaster!! Ha Ha!! Like I predict that we will argue because he is out & I'm irritable, tho the reality is, we probably won't and everything will probably be fine!!

Not even sure that makes any sense!!


Confusedli
 
"The Optimist sees the rose and not its thorns; the pessimist stares at the thorns, oblivious of the rose."
 
"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, its about learning to dance in the rain"


luvleigh17
New Member


Date Joined Nov 2008
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 11/6/2008 8:15 AM (GMT -7)   
I felt like I was reading my own words when I read your post. I completely understand exactly how you feel. My husband has a job that keeps him away days, weeks, sometimes a month at a time, so it's mentally exhausting when you have those feelings. I try so hard sometimes to figure out what is the "real" problem. Maybe my self-esteem is that low that I know it would be so easy for him to find someone better than me. Someone who isn't so jealous, you know? Someone who trusts him. But it never fails, I go right back to feeling those jealous feelings. I really wish that I had this problem conquered and could offer you some great advice on how to help, but I can't. I just wanted you to know that there are other people who are going through the same thing. I wish that we weren't, but at least after reading your post, I don't feel like I'm crazy because I feel like I'm the only person in the world who feels this way. So, as usual, I will take this one day at a time, as it sounds like you are doing the same. Best of luck to you.

Confusedli
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 363
   Posted 11/6/2008 8:20 AM (GMT -7)   
Hey Luvleigh17,

Thanks for your message, It really helps to know that I am not alone in feeling like this, because I do drive myself mad sometimes & I also think that my boyfriend could find someone who doesn't feel so jealous n stuff. But at the same time I know he loves me & that he isn't looking!! It's tiring & hard to feel this way, but yes we have to just take it one day at a time & keep working!

I do think it is related to self esteem & insecurities. Just not sure yet, how to overcome that!!

Thanks again.
Confusedli
 
"The Optimist sees the rose and not its thorns; the pessimist stares at the thorns, oblivious of the rose."
 
"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, its about learning to dance in the rain"


serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 11/6/2008 9:04 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Luvleigh17,

I just wanted to welcome you to HealingWell and to the board. You've come to a warm and welcoming place and I think you'll find that people here are very supportive and understanding.


serafena
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II


luvleigh17
New Member


Date Joined Nov 2008
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 11/6/2008 10:56 AM (GMT -7)   
Confusedli,

It is related to self esteem and insecurities, and I'll be the first to admit that I have a very low self-esteem, but you knowing that he loves you is great. I know that my husband loves me, but it still doesn't stop me from thinking that there's better out there. And even though he does love me, he's terrible at showing it and great at making me feel so small sometimes, which doesn't help. I definitely think it'd be different if he were more interested in really listening to me instead of just telling me I'm crazy and psychotic all the time. Now if your boyfriend is more understanding and not so quick to put you down about it, then you have a reason to work on it. Then it's worth working on. And eventually it gives you more respect for that person. Having someone who can look at you and see you instead of everything that's wrong with you is great and definitely something to hold on to.

stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 11/6/2008 11:12 AM (GMT -7)   

Dear Li,

It feels to me like you are having anticipatory anxiety. You start worrying how anxious and upset your will feel when he is out.

Why the mind tends towards the negative rather than the positive is a mystery. Yet, there is no doubt that anticipatory anxiety is purely a mind game. You can win the game if you are aware of your thinking and able to challenge the irrational, unrealistic thinking and replace it with more realistic thinking. Realistic thinking is not necessarily positive thinking, it is more objective thinking sometimes called scientific thinking because it is based on evidence, not conjecture. So, next time you start to feel anxious, become a scientific thinker and examine the evidence. You may find yourself pleasantly surprised to find the source of your anxiety vanish like clouds dispersing after a storm.

Many years ago when I was home with 4 small kids and my hubby would be out on his motorcycle, I would anticipate all kinds of things which included him talking to young slim gals.

I have learned to trust him and not get into that mode anymore but I did some really dumb thing on some of those occasions so you are not alone...... devil

You have us now to help you recognize the behavior for what it is and help you move forward.

Hugs

Kitt


 

Kitt, Co-Moderator: Anxiety/Panic & Depression
& GERD  Forums
*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
Not a mental health professional of any kind
It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.~Mahatma Gandhi~
Clickable Link: Anxiety-Panic Resources


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 11/6/2008 11:16 AM (GMT -7)   

luvleigh17

Hello and welcome to HealingWell. You've come to the right place to find people that have a good idea of what you're going through. Please feel comfortable posting in the new members thread.

I hope some of the advice givn to Li helps you too.

Stay with us and know we care.

Kitt


 


 

Kitt, Co-Moderator: Anxiety/Panic & Depression
& GERD  Forums
*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
Not a mental health professional of any kind
It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.~Mahatma Gandhi~
Clickable Link: Anxiety-Panic Resources


Confusedli
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 363
   Posted 11/7/2008 8:26 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Kitt,

I think your right about the anticipatory thing!! I think in part it's because sometimes I get quite bored in work & my mind starts to work overtime & then I get totally carried away, whereas if my mind is occupied it is not too bad!!

I will have to practise some relaxation techniques to stop me from stressing out!!!
Confusedli
 
"The Optimist sees the rose and not its thorns; the pessimist stares at the thorns, oblivious of the rose."
 
"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, its about learning to dance in the rain"


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 11/7/2008 11:37 AM (GMT -7)   

Hey li,

I think you have the right idea..........it will take practice but I have faith in you.

One of the best simple ways to deal with Anxiety is breathing. Simple things like inhale to your lungs full capacity, hold it, then exhale imagining all of the stress to leave your body with the air that is exhaled. Getting yourself to a quiet calm place is another way to help and be able to breathe. Imagining a beautiful scene in your mind, counting to 100, counting your breath and trying to slow it are all techniques that really do help.

Another way of dealing with Anxiety is to be proactive with it. Understand what your triggers are. Think about them. Maybe write them down and the reasons you feel that they are your triggers. Try and focus on solutions to these triggers to avoid it happening in the first place. Maybe even get a loved one to help.

You are family here so just vent away and ask for help.

We got you covered.

Hugs

Kitt


 

Kitt, Co-Moderator: Anxiety/Panic & Depression
& GERD  Forums
*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
Not a mental health professional of any kind
It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.~Mahatma Gandhi~
Clickable Link: Anxiety-Panic Resources


Confusedli
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 363
   Posted 11/8/2008 11:19 AM (GMT -7)   
I'm a not doing to well so far this weekend, I hate it.  My tummy is in knots & I barely slept last night until my bf texted to say he was at home.  I don't understand y i am like this sometimes, I don't know what I am so afraid of.  I have been constantly checking my phone all weekend.  We are both out tonight seperately & i just hope I can stop myself from being phone obbsessed when I am with friends! I am seeing him tmr & I am going to have to try really hard to not be irritable and nasty (i have no reason to be & I don't want us to argue but i feel it is inevitable!)  I am so frustrated with myself!!!!!!!  & wish I could relax as I have felt on edge the whole weekend so far!

Confusedli
 
"The Optimist sees the rose and not its thorns; the pessimist stares at the thorns, oblivious of the rose."
 
"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, its about learning to dance in the rain"


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40592
   Posted 11/8/2008 11:37 PM (GMT -7)   
Li,

Tell yourself that it doesn't matter what he is doing. And enjoy your time with your friends. You need to stay in the moment. Focus on what is going on around you, not where your bf is. Stay in the now, stay in the moment. Don't let your mind wander. When it starts to, mentally say STOP three times and go back to what you were doing.

Keep trying and practicing, that will work. And remember when you get insecure and jealous, you are not only hurting him. You are hurting yourself by wasting emotions on bummer stuff when you could be having a good time.

I know that you can do this.

If you think that you will start a fight when you see him, maybe you should put off seeing him for a day or so until you get into a different mindset. Then maybe there wouldn't be an argument.

HUgs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

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