Unsupportive husband

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luvleigh17
New Member


Date Joined Nov 2008
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 11/6/2008 11:46 AM (GMT -7)   
When my husband goes to work, he's gone for anywhere from a few days to a month at a time. The problem is, when he leaves, I usually fall apart. Most of the time it's when he's gone longer, which has been a lot lately. I just get overwhelmed, frustrated, and stressed out, mostly because it's hard when he's not around to help. So when we talk on the phone and I tell him how I'm feeling, he's never supportive about it in any way. He does, however, tell me that I'm crazy and psychotic. He tells me that I just can't handle life and need to be put on medication. He has a friend he works with, who is also gone from his family all the time, and my husband will tell me that I need to be more like his friend's wife, because she can handle it. When we get into a fight about it on the phone, he will hang up and not answer my phone calls. I have to sit around and wait until he's ready to talk again, which just makes the matter worse.
 
All I want is for him to be supportive. He never tries nice words to make me feel better about being overwhelmed. He goes straight for telling me I'm crazy. I know that if he'd just be genuinely concerned about what's wrong with me, I would feel so much better, but it's as if it's too much for him to do. I tell him what I need, then the next time I get frustrated, it's the same thing. There have been two times where I have been at the end of my rope and actually talked to him about getting separated or divorced. Then, and only then, will he ever put any effort in. But then it quickly goes back to the same old thing. I do not want to have to mention divorce just for my husband to wake up, and I shouldn't have to. I feel like giving up anymore. I feel there are no other options when he just won't listen to me. I don't want to end the marriage, but he gives me no choice when he doesn't even care about my feelings.
He does everything in his power to make me feel ashamed for even having feelings. And it sucks, because if I knew that he was feeling bad in any way, I would do everything I possibly could to make him feel better, but it's as if it'll be a cold day in hell before he ever cares.
 
I'm up against a wall and just don't know what to do. All I do is cry anymore and don't know how to think straight. I'm beginning to wonder if I really am just crazy and if I'm asking too much of him. Any friends and family that I have are way too busy for any of my problems, so I have no one to vent to. I'm holding it all in and I'm afraid of the outcome.

Corrie_1
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 185
   Posted 11/6/2008 2:17 PM (GMT -7)   
My suggestion is maybe you find a different way to communicate what's going on with your husband. I find that most my disagreements with my partner are due to miscommunication and lack of understanding.

Maybe he feels like you don't support him in what he's trying to do providing finacial security... I find when people are taking their "anger out on me" it's because there is something more to the situation than the words spoken.

For example I was diagnosed with Fibro this last month... and I've been very sick for the last 3. Me and my boyfriend got into a huge fight and he left angry to work over the chores that need to be done in the house. It's not that he's necessarily is angry that the house is a mess... he's angry that the previous balance we had was disturbed by me becoming sick. In reality his expression of anger towards me isn't because he doesn't care... it's that he doesn't know what else to do in this situation. Me and him have a positive relationship and I know this outburst with blow over, however.. now that I realize that the house being unclean is such a problem for him we're going to have to come up with a solution to solve the problem. (Like getting my roommates to help with some of the cleaning instead of me doing it all)

Hope that was helpful

Good luck!
Diagnosed with Fibro - October 2008


luvleigh17
New Member


Date Joined Nov 2008
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 11/6/2008 2:55 PM (GMT -7)   
Thanks for your reply Corrie_1. I see what you're saying about miscommunication, but I feel like I have said all that I can say to him without repeating myself over and over. I just feel so alone at times because I feel like he's the one person in this world that I should be able to count on and I feel like he's just let me down over and over.

I completely support him and what he does for us, but our family life revolves around him and what he does and usually I'm fine with that, but when it's to the point where it can't revolve around me and my needs just once, when I feel like I need it the most, it's sad.

I'm sorry to hear that you're sick and best of luck to you. And I think your roommates should be ashamed of themselves for making you do all the cleaning. But again, thanks for the advice.

Aurora60
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1249
   Posted 11/6/2008 3:13 PM (GMT -7)   

Hi Luvleigh,  I was wondering if you work outside the home to keep busy.  If not, would a part time job interest you?  It would occupy your time and you would have a little extra spending money.  If you don't want to work how about finding a volunteer job?  There are so many places that need help.  Senior centers always welcome volunteers.  Or how about your library or a school? There are many volunteer opportunities out there that would welcome you and then you would feel good about yourself.  Also,  as the other post you received said, maybe there is a better way of communicating your feelings.  You might start with someone in your family that you are the most close to.  Another idea is if you have a hobby or would like to take up doing something new.  I started needlepointing again after about 20 years and I am makeing beautiful things and they make great gifts.  The other thing to consider is if you thing you might be depressed.  You should probably see your dr. and get a complete physical.  Then ask if you might need an anti depressant med.  There are so many out there and some are so helpful.  And don't give up if one doesn't work as there are so many that might.  It took me 6 tries to find the right med and it has helped me tremendously.  You don't mention if you have children.  If you do they must keep you busy.  I am not trying to be nosey, just want to offer you some suggestions to help you through your days.  Do you belong to a church?  Churches always have groups to join and you could make new friends.  Other ideas for volunteering are a soup kitchen or hospice.  I hope I have given you some things to consider and do try to talk to a family member if possible. You may be surprised that they will be understanding if you can put your thoughts into a way that doesn't sound attacking or too angry.  Please keep posting.  It gets your feelings out and there is always someone here to answer you.  I will answer you if you post.  Try to take good care of yourself.  You have found a very caring place to come and talk to nice people.

Gentle hugs,

Aurora


snowflake
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2007
Total Posts : 595
   Posted 11/7/2008 11:39 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Luvleigh ,I know it must be so hard for your hubby to be away for such lengths of time it would sure drive me nuts ( more than i usually am ) .I find it very hard trying to communicate with my depression and other problems i have an am at the point now i just do not even bother.
I use to look after little children in my home until a few months ago but it`s all too much for me as being in pain all the time is just so draining in itself.I gave it up but instead of doing nothing i have been doing some gardening when i feel i can and it has helped .i will do some things inside then work on the garden for a while just to get out .it has helped a bit .
My suggestion firstly would be see your dr and have a check up tell him how you are feeling and tell him how you feel when you are on your own especially the problems in coping.
Make up a list of things that need to be done and choose the time of the day you want to do that chore.do not place too many in each day break them down into smaller jobs in that way you can get through a job in no time at all .i know for me completing a task and looking back on it does make me feel a lot better about myself.In my home i do most of the cleaning as everyone else is just too lazy to even care , some days i can do them and others like the past four i just can`t .do not stress that you have not completed your task of today as there is always tomorrow .
As for the communicating with your hubby try and write a note to him explain how you feel and that you need him to help out atleast until you can cope with it on your own again.Some men just do not understand the pressures placed on us women especially if you have children at home ,sure some can cope no worries and i use to be one of them but not anymore .For the past couple of weeks i have spent a great deal of time lying down just too sick to get up it use to get to me so i would get up clean up and cook their meals only to have the mess left for me to clean up ,well this week i have not done any of it they have had to cook and wash for themselves i really do not care one bit .They are all capable of doing it just too lazy.
As for your hubby having arguements on the phone try hanging up on him before he has the chance to let him feel how it feels to be hung up on .He has no right to call you anything like he does .
But i think you need someone to talk to weather it be a friend or someone else just to get ideas on how to cope with whats happening in your life atm.
If all else fails get some articles on divorce and leave then on the table where he can see them it may make him realise you are serious about this ( eventhough you like me would not end our marriages as they do mean so much to us .)
Good luck i do hope you find a solution .
Restless
~  we can not judge anyone unless we have walked in their shoes and have live through what they live through ~


luvleigh17
New Member


Date Joined Nov 2008
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 11/8/2008 8:04 AM (GMT -7)   
Thank you Aurora and Restless for your advice and suggestions. I do have children, six and two years old, so yes, they do keep me busy, especially the two year old. Before we had the two year old, my husband and I agreed that I would stay at home and take care of her. But about two months ago, I got the opportunity to take a class as a nurse aide and did that, because I've always been interested in it, and I loved it. My instructor told me that I should think about being an RN and told me I would be "a great asset to the profession", which made me feel so good, as you can imagine, not having someone believe in you like that before. But I suggested it to my husband and his comments made me feel like, without any family or friends to help, it would be impossible, and there really are no friends or family that can help. But, even though he made it sound impossible, I haven't given up. I've been visiting web sites and trying to find out if there are resources out there that can help me.
I've been thinking a lot about my marriage and trying to figure out what's wrong and have come to the conclusion that a factor is just plain simple...my husband. He absolutely lacks compassion. For example, my 26 year old brother told me two weeks ago that he has been diagnosed with cancer of the esophagus, which has spread to his liver, pancreas and stomach. They gave him like a 5% chance for the next 5 years. My husband's response when I told him, was: "Maybe now he'll quit smoking." THAT'S IT? Needless to say, I lost a lot of respect for him after that comment. Not to mention, the doctors told my brother it was from all the years of hearburn (GERD?) that he's had since I can't even remember when.
Don't get me wrong, I know that I have to take care of myself. I do think I am depressed, and the next step for me is to get over my fear of going to the doctor and telling them that.
And I absolutely love this website. I feel I actually have somewhere to go now when I feel at my worst. I appreciate the advice and suggestions so much, as they bring a new perspective to things sometimes.

stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 11/8/2008 8:36 AM (GMT -7)   

Dear luvleigh17,

I am so sorry your husband is insensitive.  The comments about your brother were inappropirate and those kinds of comments I will not take from anyone anymore.  Even if someone else excuses the person and says "Oh, that is just the way he is." I will just get up and join another group and if I want to talk with the insensitive person, we will talk alone.

I went to nurse's training with 4 children at home.  My youngest was 7 at the time.  My  hubby sold his prized possession  to help pay my tuition. It was  tough for all but when you have a good support person it makes life much better.

Perhaps you could start out working as an NA and save some money then move on up the ladder.  You could take you general ed credits at a junior college, but make sure they will transfer Nursing School you choose.

I know you can take online college courses but your would have to research exactly how it works.

You are a good person and you deserve respect.

Take care,

Kitt

 


 

Kitt, Co-Moderator: Anxiety/Panic & Depression
& GERD  Forums
*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
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snowflake
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2007
Total Posts : 595
   Posted 11/8/2008 4:23 PM (GMT -7)   
Luvleigh you have a wonderful gift that of a nurse do not let your husban try to convince you of anything different .It`s a wonderful thing to become a nurse and the feeling it gives one to see those so sick get well and goo home is such a great feeling .I nursed before i married but have not gone back so many things have changed over the past thirty years and i am not sure if i could cope with that much change given my current problems .
It may be difficult for a while until you get organised but believe me you will enjoy so much from it .
As for the insensative comment about your brother some men sure do have that kind of nack where they find just the right kind of workd to crush one especially when they are at their lowest .
I had five children and looked after somedays ten others on my own we had a great time i totally enjoyed myself as did all the children ,there was never an accident nor was there any fights ,they didn`t have time as we were doing so much the only tears came when it was time to go home and they were from the little ones .Idid this until only a couple of months ago but for the 28yrs it was a great distraction as to what had and was happening in my life at the time
The nursing sounds just what you need to do the same .take your mind off your family problems and you will see things in a different light and for some reason be able to handle them so much better .
All the best .
Restless
~  we can not judge anyone unless we have walked in their shoes and have live through what they live through ~


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40598
   Posted 11/8/2008 7:35 PM (GMT -7)   
Luvleigh,

I hope that your dreams come true. It sounds like you would be such a good nurse.

I hope that things work out for you and your husband. I agree putting your mind on something will put a different light on things with your husband.

I wish you all the best.

Keep posting and remember that we are all here for you.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

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