Why do we beat ourselves up!?!

New Topic Post Reply Printable Version
[ << Previous Thread | Next Thread >> ]

Cookie's Wife
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2005
Total Posts : 299
   Posted 11/9/2008 7:49 AM (GMT -7)   
Just wanted to post an update... I'm been reading the book Feeling Good, the New Mood Therapy.  As I'm reading it, it all makes sense but why is it so hard! 
 
I have had alot of "aha!" moments and I'm figuring out why it's been so hard to get on track after this when I've went through a much harder break up in the past.  It's really not about him but how I carried myself around him and the trust I thought I had and lost. So now I'm at the point where I'm worried about what he thinks of me since he really didn't know "me"...ugh! 
 
Anyhoo... Everyday is better and I'm learning SO much about myself.  It's actually kind of exciting! lol   
 
April 

stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 11/9/2008 8:02 AM (GMT -7)   

Good Morning April,

I am so glad you are learning about yourself and that you are enjoying finding that you are a kind and caring person.

Remember to stay in the moment, don't try to replay the past or get into the "What if I had done that?" Yesterday is gone...........Leave it in the past.

Peace my friend
Kitt

 


 

Kitt, Co-Moderator: Anxiety/Panic & Depression
& GERD  Forums
*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
Not a mental health professional of any kind
It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.~Mahatma Gandhi~
Clickable Link: Anxiety-Panic Resources


enWayen
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 585
   Posted 11/9/2008 8:24 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi April,

Nice to hear that you are also on your way to discover yourself. It can really open a new world. To answer your question "why do we beat ourselves up", first of all, it is just my opinion, no absolute truth. But I think that when we humans became self-conscious, we needed emotions to survive. A hunter without would attack a bear and get himself killed, while a hunter with fear would leave the bear alone and try to find a deer. Mankind needed fear for death in order to survive (same goes with a lot of other emotions).

But now, in lots of humans the emotions can take over. Instead of using the emotions as a hint that something is happening, we let them take over ourselves. Sadness isn't a negative emotion until it takes over. Sadness for instance is just a tip from our unconscious that something isn't right. It is rather positive if you can see it in that context, it warns us that something isn't as it could be, thus we become aware and can improve it. Yet humans tend to let the sadness take over, and then it does become negative.

I think it is in human nature to suffer. And most of mankind continue to suffer because they are not aware of it. Once you become aware of your suffering, you can think of a solution to it. Which is accepting your suffering, and thus take the negative part out of it. You can't fully accept something and still stand negative towards it.

So the real reason why we beat ourselves up. In all honesty, I can't know for sure. But what I do know, is that accepting it can lead to a world free of negativity. And from an objective point of view I believe a negativity free world is the best world there is. Why choose pain above happiness, or hatred above love? It doesn't make sense, yet 99% of mankind continue to live that way, not realizing they are already living in a perfect world.

Everything I mentioned above has to do with the so called "Ego". The ego is the voice inside your head that can't seem to stop talking. The voice that tells you that the computer is your computer, not a computer. It is the source of the negative thinking, the source of dividing rather than uniting. Ever felt lonely, separated from the world? It is the ego, it tries to stop us from realizing we are connected with everything. And why does the ego would do something like that? Because it can't survive otherwise. You can see it with children. Up to a certain age, there have no property. But due to the world telling them certain things are theirs, they start to believe that, and will cry when they "lose" something that is "theirs". Rather than to be grateful for having the opportunity to use something they live in constant fear of losing it.

I hope this somewhat makes sense, since it is way to complex to describe in so little words. There are however a lot of books that will go into detail about the ego and how to live without negativity. You could give those a try.

Take care!
Erik
Acceptance is the key

The World is but a reflection. Smile, and it will smile back.

Try to keep smiling! :)


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40576
   Posted 11/9/2008 9:05 AM (GMT -7)   
I think that it has to do with the fact that we are our own worst critic. We judge ourselves more than we judge others. Even when we think something that we don't like, we criticize ourselves for it. Even if we didn't say it outloud, we seem to think that other's heard it. So that stays with us.

Don't be so hard on yourself. It is time to give yourself a break. Just remember that others see us differently than we see ourselves, they don't know what we feel inside, or what we are thinking. Even though it feels like they do. They only see what is on the outside and what we say to them. And even if we said the wrong thing, so be it. They get over it before we do. We can always apologize. But we still remember it.

Feeling good is a good book. I read it back in the eighties and have bought another edition. That I am tryint to read now. It just seems a litlle harder to comprehend for me. But it all makes perfect sense. So keep on reading. He explains things so that we can understand.

I hope that you continue to learn and start treating yourself in a kind way. Realize that we are all special people, we do make mistakes, and when we do, it isn't the end of the world. So try not to be so critical of yourself. You are a good person, remember that. Keep reading and you will do fine.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


Cookie's Wife
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2005
Total Posts : 299
   Posted 11/9/2008 10:50 AM (GMT -7)   
Kitt and Karen-Thank you for your positive words!

Erik-yes it makes sense... I've often asked myself if deep down I really enjoy feeling this way. I will look into some of the ego books. Do you have any suggestioins?
~April~
"You alone are responsible for your happiness" 

 



enWayen
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 585
   Posted 11/9/2008 1:59 PM (GMT -7)   
Eej April,

You could read the The Power of Now and A New Earth (both by Eckhart Tolle) for a more detailed description of the ego, as well as many other useful tips. I also suggest The Art of Happiness, written the Dalai Lama and Howard Cutler. The latter is a lighter and in my opinion "better" book (I don't agree with some of Tolle's ideas :-) ), but it doesn't talk about the ego very much. But if you are interested, I suggest you read all of them!

All the best April,
Erik
Acceptance is the key

The World is but a reflection. Smile, and it will smile back.

Try to keep smiling! :)


Cookie's Wife
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2005
Total Posts : 299
   Posted 11/10/2008 11:05 AM (GMT -7)   
Erik-
Thank you!  I will look into those books.
 
April

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40576
   Posted 11/10/2008 11:30 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi April,

I am hoping that you are having a good day today. I hope that you are able to find the books that you are looking for. Just remember living in the present really helps us a lot. Look around you from time to time, notice things, for instance the sights and smells around you. Fill yourself with pleasantries of the present. Try not to worry about the future or dwell on the past. You will find that a lot of the books that you are getting will focus on the present.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


Cookie's Wife
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2005
Total Posts : 299
   Posted 11/10/2008 6:43 PM (GMT -7)   

Karen-Sorry to say...today's not a good day.  I do good for awhile then here comes the negative thoughts!  UGH... I hate it!  I'm still hung up on how I acted in the whole thing!  I hate others thinking bad of me.  I keep telling myself that I can't change the past or what he thinks of me and I'm only hurting myself cause he's not losing sleep over it.  But there it is...

I'll continue to do the positive thinking excercises and hope that it'll keep getting better!  Thanks so much for thinking of me.  It feels good to get it off my chest!

April


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40576
   Posted 11/10/2008 7:55 PM (GMT -7)   
You are recognizing when you are having trouble thinking good things. That is good, that gives you something to work on. A place to start. Keep up those positive thoughts and as Kitt would say, kick the negative things to the curb.

I hope that you feel better soon, you are working hard and that is what counts right now.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 11/10/2008 8:33 PM (GMT -7)   

Good Evening April,

This is Kitt :-)    I think it is time to post your rights for you.

Ten assertive rights of an individual

Assertive Right #1: I have the right to judge my own behavior, thoughts, and emotions and to take the responsibility for their initiation and consequence. The behavior of others may have an impact upon me, but I determine how I choose to react and/or deal with each situation. I alone have the power to judge and modify my thoughts, feelings, and behavior. Others may influence my decision, but the final choice is mine.

Assertive Right #2: I have the right to offer neither reason nor excuse to justify my behavior. I need not rely upon others to judge whether my actions are proper or correct. Others may state disagreement or disapproval, but I have the option to disregard their preferences or to work out a compromise. I may choose to respect their preferences and consequently modify my behavior. What is important is that it is my choice. Others may try to manipulate my behavior and feelings by demanding to know my reasons and by trying to persuade me that I am wrong, but I know that I am the ultimate judge.

Assertive Right #3: I have the right to judge whether I am responsible for finding solutions to others' problems. I am ultimately responsible for my own psychological well-being and happiness. I may feel concern and compassion and good will for others, but I am neither responsible for nor do I have the ability to create mental stability and happiness for others. My actions may have caused others' problems indirectly; however, it is still their responsibility to come to terms with the problems and to learn to cope on their own. If I fail to recognize this assertive right, others may choose to manipulate my thoughts and feelings by placing the blame for their problems on me.

Assertive Right #4: I have the right to change my mind. As a human being, nothing in my life is necessarily constant or rigid. My interests and needs may well change with the passage of time. The possibility of changing my mind is normal, healthy, and conducive to self growth. Others may try to manipulate my choice by asking that I admit error or by stating that I am irresponsible; it is nevertheless unnecessary for me to justify my decision.

Assertive Right #5: I have the right to say, ``I don't know.''

Assertive Right #6: I have the right to make mistakes and be responsible for them. To make my errors are unforgivable, that I must make amends for my wrongdoing by engaging in proper behavior. If I allow this, my future behavior will be influenced by my past mistakes, and my decisions will be controlled by the opinions of others.

Assertive Right #7: I have the right to be independent of the good will of others before coping with them. It would be unrealistic for me to expect others to approve of all my actions, regardless of their merit. If I were to assume that I required others' goodwill before being able to cope with them effectively, I would leave myself open to manipulation. It is unlikely that I require the goodwill and/or cooperation of others in order to survive. A relationship does not require 100% agreement. It is inevitable that others will be hurt or offended by my behavior at times. I am responsible only to myself, and I can deal with periodic disapproval from others.

Assertive Right #8: I have the right to be illogical in making decisions. I sometimes employ logic as a reasoning process to assist me in making judgments. However, logic cannot predict what will happen in every situation. Logic is not much help in dealing with wants, motivations, and feelings. Logic generally deals with ``black or white,'' ``all or none,'' and ``yes or no'' issues. Logic and reasoning don't always work well when dealing with the gray areas of the human condition.

Assertive Right #9: I have the right to say, ``I don't understand.''

Assertive Right #10: I have the right to say, ``I don't care.'' a mistake is part of the human condition. Others may try to manipulate me, having me believe that I am insensitive. I have the right to be me.

Take care sweetie,

Hugs

Kitt


 

Kitt, Co-Moderator: Anxiety/Panic & Depression
& GERD  Forums
*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
Not a mental health professional of any kind
It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.~Mahatma Gandhi~
Clickable Link: Anxiety-Panic Resources


Cookie's Wife
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2005
Total Posts : 299
   Posted 11/11/2008 8:26 AM (GMT -7)   
Thank you Kitt!  Just what I needed to hear! 
 
And thank you Karen for the encourgement! 
 
Everyday is a new day! smilewinkgrin
New Topic Post Reply Printable Version
Forum Information
Currently it is Monday, December 05, 2016 1:54 PM (GMT -7)
There are a total of 2,733,108 posts in 301,083 threads.
View Active Threads


Who's Online
This forum has 151235 registered members. Please welcome our newest member, johndoss.
392 Guest(s), 9 Registered Member(s) are currently online.  Details
jliggett69, Gemlin, waterbee, smlafleur, Mexlyme, Meshawmama, Old Editor, Tall Allen, LanieG


Follow HealingWell.com on Facebook  Follow HealingWell.com on Twitter  Follow HealingWell.com on Pinterest
Advertisement
Advertisement

©1996-2016 HealingWell.com LLC  All rights reserved.

Advertise | Privacy Policy & Disclaimer