relationship advice...need help..

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zarkencole
New Member


Date Joined Nov 2008
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 11/12/2008 2:56 AM (GMT -7)   
hi all....i have been extremely depressed lately...
 
im a 20 yr old college student...things just keep gettin worse for me...
besides getting bad grades right now, getting in a big car wreck, my relationship with my GF seems to be getting worse...
 
ive been with her for 2 years already...and she seems to act different and treat me differently than before..and one of my friends just told me today that she sent naked photos to my friends friend....i dont know if its true or not because my girlfriend is quite shy of her body and will not do this for people she hardly knows...
 
we are on a break right now actually and i dont know why...we were so perfect..we actually broke up earlier....because she left me for another guy..then she broke up with that other guy and we are now back together...i gave her a last chance..i treat her like a queen and would give the world for her...but i just dont know whats going on anymore....i just feel so down nowadays...
 
i wish she would be the girl i feel in love with in the beginning....i dont know what to do anymore...

enWayen
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 585
   Posted 11/12/2008 5:39 AM (GMT -7)   
Heej Zarkencole,

Welcome to HW! I believe you have found the right place, since there are so many nice and compassionate members around here.

Relationships going bad can be one of the most depressing things. You are not the only one who is sad because of that, lots of us are. As I read your story, I noticed you are in a string of bad events happening now. When your thinking becomes negative, most of the things will also become negative. And negativity is something that will spread to others.

You mention your gf has changed, but it could be just you. A negative mood will have you look at things from a different perspective. She could be acting normal, but because you are having negative thoughts you experience it as negative. It could also be that she notices you being different, and thus act different. I am not saying this to blame you, for depression isn't your fault. In fact, it is encouragement, since you can't change her, but you can change yourself.

One thing that struck me in your story is the last sentence, where you wish she would be like she was at first. Maybe you could see that from a different perspective as well. Creating an image of how some should be like can only generate negativity, because they never will be as we want them to be. Rather than to create an image of how he or she should be like, we can accept that they are who they are. If we are able to drop our images of people, only then we can realize that everyone is perfect in their own way already. Expectations will lead to disappointment at some point. So maybe it is possible that you can accept your gf just for what she is, not for what you want her to be.

I dare to push this theory even further by saying you can't fully love someone unless you totally accept them, and thus dropping the "perfect image". This way, you will lose your attachment to someone. I believe that attachment is negative, since you believe that certain things are "yours". You will feel bad when you lose them. On the other hand, love is a fully positive emotion. But love and attachment tend to go hand in hand. We love someone, and thus we become afraid of losing them. Which is a paradox, because love based on attachment will be love based on the fear of loss, and thus it won't be love for that person, but love for yourself. You don't want to lose someone or something because it will make you feel bad. True love however will be based on the person in question rather than yourself. True love will be that all that matters is the feeling of that person, not yours. So it can't be based on attachment.

Ones again, I am saying those things not to hurt you or make you think you are "wrong", it is just my point of view. Things like this helped me a lot to get over my depression. I hope you can find something of use as well!

All the best Zarkencole!
Erik
Acceptance is the key

The World is but a reflection. Smile, and it will smile back.

Try to keep smiling! :)


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40602
   Posted 11/12/2008 7:47 AM (GMT -7)   
HI Zarkencole,

I would like to welcome you to the HealingWell depression forum.

I think that Erik gave you some very good advice. You have to remember that we are all constantly changing, it wont be like it was when you first met. Things change and like I say constantly.

Working on a relationship is hard at times. But if you really want to make it work, that is what you need to do. If she is acting differently, maybe you should see if she wants to talk about it. open communication is the best thing in any relationship. So keep those lines open at all times.

Keep posting, we are here for you.

I hope that you have a wonderful day,

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


zarkencole
New Member


Date Joined Nov 2008
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 11/12/2008 5:22 PM (GMT -7)   
thanks guys...i want to confront her tonight about the photos too....i trust her but i just need to hear it from her...what should i do...=(

enWayen
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 585
   Posted 11/13/2008 4:23 AM (GMT -7)   
Heeja Zarkencole,

I don't know how you and you gf will talk about something like this, but maybe it is better not to confront her with the photos. I know it can be uncomfortable not to know the answer, but your gf could perceive it as a luck of trust in her, and end the relationship. Maybe it is better to wait until you are closer to each other again.

Maybe it is an idea for you to think about the situation you are in now. There is this girl that you love, and you are able to spend time with her NOW. I emphasize the word "now", because that is what matters. There can happen a hundred things in the future, but they haven't happened yet, and you can never be sure they will happen. So my advice is to enjoy every second you can be with her, not worrying about what happened or might happen. Because what happen and what will happen doesn't matter if you still love her now. Thinking about that will only make you feel worried or bad. I think that being grateful for every second you can share with her will be noticed from her side as well. It is a wonderful feeling to experience when someone close to you feels happy just for being able to share time with you.

So in practice, my advice is instead of confronting her with something (which can be negative), show her you still love her. You can take her to a movie for instance, or have a nice dinner. Positive actions bring everyone more joy than negative actions.

Take care Zarkencole, and I hope to hear from you again!
Erik
Acceptance is the key

The World is but a reflection. Smile, and it will smile back.

Try to keep smiling! :)


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 11/13/2008 8:45 AM (GMT -7)   
HI Zarkencole,
 
This is Kitt and welcome to HealingWell.  I see you have already received some wonderful input from some of our members.
 
I must agree Erik has given you sound advice and Karen is right, the most important part of a relationship is to keep the communication lines open.  Don't assume you know what your GF is thinking.  Maybe she is having a tough time right now too and with all you have going on does not want to bother you.
 
Stick with us and take care.
Kitt
 

Kitt, Co-Moderator: Anxiety/Panic & Depression
& GERD  Forums
*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
Not a mental health professional of any kind
It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.~Mahatma Gandhi~
Clickable Link: Anxiety-Panic Resources


zarkencole
New Member


Date Joined Nov 2008
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 11/14/2008 2:39 AM (GMT -7)   
hey guys...i got even worse news right now....my GF sent me a text message today...saying there is someone else and its best we do not talk anymore..i am completely shattered...i treated her like a queen. i dont understand why........im really down right now...i just feel so useless and empty....

this is actually the second time already.......she left me once before for another guy and then she told me things such as "oh i will never do this to you again, i promise." i will never break your heart and i love you so much and etc. etc.

i just dont know what to do right now. im just so lost and down....

i dont know how to handle myself. i just feel like i have lost all self confidence and self respect.

what do i do.

i trusted it her with all my heart.....

Confusedli
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 363
   Posted 11/14/2008 5:30 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Zarkencole,

Sorry to hear about your relationship. I think what you need to do is to start getting to know yourself outside of this relationship. Try & make new friends & take your mind off things.

Don't lose confidence as sometimes relationships just go this way, it doesn't mean that you have done anything wrong. It just hasn't worked out. People change.
Confusedli
 
"The Optimist sees the rose and not its thorns; the pessimist stares at the thorns, oblivious of the rose."
 
"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, its about learning to dance in the rain"


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40602
   Posted 11/14/2008 7:27 AM (GMT -7)   
I agree with Li, people do change. It sounds like she is very young and maybe a little immature.

If I were you, I would hang on to all of the good memories and then try to get on with my life. Getting to know yourself is good advice. You have a lot of living to do, and I wouldn't dwell on this. I know it hurts, grieve as you need, but then go on.

Best wishes

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

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